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Mark Trail, 8/13/11

Oh, that Bill Ellis! He’s been told repeatedly by Woods and Wildlife’s financially beleaguered parent corporation that subscription numbers and ad rates are falling, so for God’s sake get some material in the magazine that women won’t find actively abhorrent, but he doesn’t actually respect women or know what they want, so it always goes horribly awry. He once famously sent Kelly on an assignment to an “outdoor fashion show”; now he hasn’t even gotten to whatever insulting proposition he has for her before interrupting himself to take a phone call. “Sorry, Kelly, you’ll have to excuse me, this might be someone with a penis!”

Oh also COMICAL ETHNIC JOHNNY MALOTTE AND SEXY TROUBLESOME KELLY WELLY ARE GOING TO BE IN THE SAME STORYLINE THIS IS GOING TO BE SO AWEEEESSSSOMMMMEEEE

Apartment 3-G, 8/13/11

So I knew this woman once who briefly worked as a cop, and one of the things you get stuck doing if you are a female cop with very little seniority is pretending to be a prostitute in sting operations to arrest johns. And one thing that happens while you’re doing this is that you meet and chat with actual prostitutes, and you get some great stories to pass on to later acquaintances. For example: one woman had this regular customer who paid her well to spend half an hour in a bathtub full of ice, then come out and lie completely motionless and silent on the bed while he had sex with her, so he could indulge in his necrophilia without actually violating a dead body. This is a story that for obvious reasons has stuck with me, so while I assume that this series of “oh gosh, it’s so hot in New York, wouldn’t a cool bath be erotic” strips in A3G were written during one of this year’s several soul-crushing heatwaves, you’ll forgive me if I don’t find them sexy.

Slylock Fox, 8/13/11

Every once in a while Slylock Fox offers us a flashback glimpse of apocalyptic war in which the animals finally decided that enough was enough and seized control of the planet from the humans, creating the animal-ruled society we see in most of the strips. Today’s entry shows up one of the mopping-up actions of that genocidal conflict, and you can see that, despite the enthusiasm of the smaller creatures looking on, at least one bear has grown weary of the killing. “Ho, hum, another pair of wild hairless apes who haven’t figured out yet that we’ve mastered tool use. I guess I’ll just climb this ladder and disembowel them as they beg for their lives. Hasn’t our mission been accomplished? When will I be able to return to my mate and cubs back at my cave?”

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Your comment of the week in a moment, but first! A very special old-timey Mark Trail, discovered at an estate sale by faithful reader Charterstoned!

Mark Trail, 10/8/1953

It’s topical because it features Johnny Mallotte, who Mark is about revisit in the great Bible Goose Band adventure. Apparently Johnny and Mark were adrift on an ice floe and have been driven mad with hunger, and are now going to feast on this seal (or, as they seem to have called them in the ’50s, this “animal”). Too bad, Mark! It’s still alive! The look on his face in panel three is priceless — he’s about ready to jump right into the icy water, polar-bear-style, to get that seal with his bare hands. Andy looks similarly alarmed, possibly because he knows where the men will turn for food if they can’t catch anything else.

And now … your comment of the week!

“Let’s not allow the nudity to distract us from the real shocking plot twist here: Lu Ann was thinking!” –Doctor Handsome

And your runners up! Very funny!

“Funky Winkerbean can make even option contracts seem boring. Oh, wait. Meanwhile, Judge Parker can make even employment contracts involve cleavage.” –Carly

“If you’re wondering why Lu Ann is so heart-broken that no one has need for her lemonade anymore, I’d like to point out that A3G has never discussed how these three ladies have divided the rent. Perhaps, years ago, Tommie and Margo took pity on poor ol’ Lu Ann and let her have her space in the apartment in exchange for ‘lemonade services,’ which are slowly no longer required. (Please don’t google ‘apartment 3G lemonade services.’ It doesn’t lead to good things.)” –Guy Yedwab

“My first thought also was that the glass Lu Ann is holding was empty, but to give her the benefit of the doubt, perhaps its contents are just totally transparent, more so than even weak lemonade would be. In other words, I think Lu Ann has just invented waterade.” –Shrug

“No thanks, Lu Ann. I have a meeting with Nina — we’re creating a Mills Scholarship Fund and if I drink that lemonade, something bad might happen that will thwart my plans. I might have to go to the bathroom at a crucial moment in the negotiations. I might get a piece of lemon pulp stuck between my front teeth and that could blow the whole deal. Sorry, Lu Ann. Having a glass of lemonade right now is too risky.” –charterstoned

“Oh for cryin’ out loud, if this is leading up to LuAnn deciding to get married and have a baby just because nobody wants her stupid lemonade, that will be totally — well, actually a pretty believable development based on LuAnn’s character.” –Violet

“I grew up in NYC and can say with absolute certainty that NO ONE in NYC would have curtains like that. They’ve been illegal since the 70s.” –SF_Reader

“Even a completely nude Lu Ann, floating dreamily in a bath, is so boring that the most easily offended comics reader will forget why they started writing their latest angry letter to the editor.” –Ed Dravecky

“Meanwhile, in Apartment 2-G water is pouring through the bathroom ceiling.” –Walker of Dog

Also, too long to reproduce here but worthy of your attention are Kristian’s “Have You now a Strategy to Woo the Dashing Derek?” and Cloudbuster’s vision of Mark’s interview with the mysterious bird bander.

Thanks to all who put some cash into my tip jar! And this is where we’d thank our advertisers — if we had any this week. To find out more about how you could be thanked in this spot, and more about sponsoring this site’s RSS feed, click here.

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 8/12/11

Oh, hey, it’s beloved Rex Morgan ancillary character Niki, who entered our lives as a sinister purse snatcher but ended up becoming all-too-close with June and Rex alike. Of course, we all remember his polymorphously perverse antics, but we had almost as much fun with his mother, a frighteningly coiffed meth lab assistant who promised to leave illegal drugs behind her if only Rex would give her a job (and a key to the cabinet where all the yummy legal drugs are kept). And, hey, how is Niki’s mom? We sure haven’t heard much from her since the Morgans made their pity hire. This conversation could get awkward real fast if Kelly’s mom ends up replacing her!

Judge Parker, 8/12/11

Ha, Sophie’s very mild little double entendre is actually pretty funny! It sure is a change of pace from this strip’s usual take on sexuality, which generally takes the form of LOOK THIS LADY HAS TITS.

Apartment 3-G, 8/12/11

Wow, Paul, narcissistic much? “Paul, I was just thinking about you! Give me a minute — I just stepped out of the tub, so I’m all naked and dripping wet.” “Gosh, she was thinking about me! I sure am awesome! I like thinking about me too!”