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Beetle Bailey, 3/19/11

Six years ago when this panel ran the first (?) time, I was willing to let it pass as a goofy placeholder from a creative team that just sort of couldn’t think of anything to do that day. It may have been an abdication of creativity, but at least the numerous visual details represented more work than what goes into Beetle Bailey strips that actually contain jokes. And really, are Beetle Bailey jokes all they’re cracked up to be? Can we honestly say that we want more Beetle Bailey jokes out there in the world?

And yet now that I know that this is just the strip they pull out when they have nothing else to run, and that it’s gone out who knows how many times … well, I wouldn’t have thought I could have less respect for Walker-Browne Amalgamated Humor Industries LLC, but I have been proven wrong. I don’t know which possibility is worse: that some strip was submitted that, due to its complete lack of even vague entertainment value, was rejected by the syndicate, resulting in this stopgap being reprinted, or that someone over at W-BAHI LLC suddenly had the realization at deadline that “oh, crap, we have to do a Saturday strip too? Damn it, I need to start writing this stuff down.”

Apartment 3-G, 3/19/11

Ha ha, Dan, you’re not going to disabuse Iris of the notion that you’re some kind of hobo tramp bum drifter homeless person if you keep using that old-timey slang. But all questions about his archaic socioeconomic status seem a lot less important now that we know that Iris has a ringtone that can briefly obliterate all of existence.

Archie, 3/19/11

Hot Dog’s ears are lifted in shock in the final panel, which must mean that none of Jughead’s interpretation of his inner thoughts are correct. I’m guessing he’s thinking “Wait, I have fleas? And you’re not doing anything about them? Christ, you really are the laziest pet owner alive.”

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You guys! You are I hope aware of [Citation Needed], the Wikipedia-themed Tumblr to which I contribute! You will probably also be aware of the associated podcast put out by mad genius Conor Lastowka. Well, I am in the most recent episode, talkin’ about the Wizard of Id! You will want to have a listen, I think.

Oh, and hey, it’s time for your comment of the week, of course!

“‘Script Westview’ is also known by another name: ‘Comic Sans Happiness.'” –Mibbitmaker

And your runners up! Very funny!

“Why is Constance’s nose growing? She hasn’t even denied killing Jackie yet!” –Chyron HR

“I used to fly kites when I was a kid and things were simpler. And you’re, like, ten now, right? I lose track of these things.” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“How about this: ‘You’re a plugger if you think every aspect of your life is somehow more folksy and significant than everyone else’s.'” –Frank Lee Meidere

“I wish they would just end Ziggy and Pluggers. Both strips are played out, tired, and constantly recycling the same jokes. At least combine them into a single strip. I mean, Ziggy’s pets are already sentient and he’s, what, some kind of human-sloth hybrid, right? The caption for today’s Zuggers could read, ‘Zuggers talk to their pets like they’re people because actual people will have nothing to do with them.’ Alternatively, in Pliggy, the gas pump could be saying something insulting like ‘Prices are always going up, dipshit,’ or ‘Your ass already has plenty of gas.'” –Effluvius Erratus

“And with a triumphant and horrible cry, Mary Worth bursts out of Wilbur’s chest. ‘It was not this bloated oaf, whose maggoty flesh I have worn these last three weeks, but I who did devise this glorious, meddlesome scheme, I who saved dopey Dawn from the accursed Internet!’ At which point matters take a somewhat nasty turn.” –new_squid_in_town

“Now that is some goggle eyed horror! The Shoe artists must be used to the typical amounts of goggle-eyed-ness, and, like a heroin addict craving a fix, must be amping the goggle eyes to a ridiculous and potentially lethal level in order to just feel human.” –Conor

“‘I don’t know, Max — that just doesn’t “wring” true.’ My work here is done.” –Pozzo

Spider-Man: “The city is being terrorized — terrorized, I say — by a vampire with bad posture, split ends, and a propensity for hugs. Somewhere an emo band is wondering with ironic detachment where its lead singer has gotten to.” –Esther Blodgett

“Isn’t Lureen weeping at the sight of Loweezy’s wattle-scrotum-thingy? Lord knows, that’s what I’d do.” –Oregonian

“‘Didn’t Dag get the memo?’ It’s 2011 and he’s wearing a bowtie and a robin-egg blue trenchcoat — safe to say Dag has missed a lot of memos.” –R in CT

“‘Hobo tramp’ is not to be confused with Hobotramp, the Supertramp tribute band whose members are all homeless.” –frippy

“Well, he’s either Santa, God, or Aqualung. I like those odds!” –Chyron HR

To find out more about how you could be thanked in this spot, and more about sponsoring this site’s RSS feed, click here to learn more about advertising on the Comics Curmudgeon.

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Judge Parker, 3/18/11

Now, I know you people, and a lot of you are going to read this and be all like “Ha, Sam and Angel are going to be go on a gay date, and ‘preferring jazz to musical theater’ is code for being on the down low, etc., etc., hardy har har.” Which just goes to show that you don’t know Sam Driver, at all. Sam doesn’t enjoy physical and emotional intimacy with other human beings, like normal people do; Sam only gets off on denying others his sexual favors. Bored with only spurning women, he’s taking the first tentative steps towards breaking male hearts as well.

Dick Tracy, 3/18/11

I am enjoying the work of the new Dick Tracy artists! The previous regime, of course, focused on a series of villains who were hideously deformed; the new guys are branching out to people who also emit some kind of horrible odor as well.

Apartment 3-G, 3/18/11

Nice try, buddy! Everyone knows that hobos and tramps are entirely different categories of itinerants (the classic dichotomy being that hobos work odd jobs when they can while tramps beg). So why don’t you stop playing coy and admit that you’re a Russian Grand Duke or something who doesn’t like to shave or buy new clothes, and skip ahead to the part where you whisk Iris away to your villa on the Côte d’Azur.

Jumble, 3/18/11

True story: Up until fairly recently, I thought that a “spin class” involved spinning around in circles, and couldn’t figure out why everyone seemed to think they were so difficult! Ha ha, isn’t that funny? Anyway, apparently they actually consist of working out really intensely on stationary bicycles, which explains why the nameless protagonist in this panel appears to be experiencing some sort of massive cardiac event.