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Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 3/6/11

America’s most isolated rural enclave falls at last to the scourge of mef. Soon Jughaid will be raising ‘Tater alone as Snuffy puts up the still for bail and Loweezy gives her sweet love to the Law. At least Hootin’ Holler is safe from mef mouf, due to its residents’ lack of teef.

Mary Worth, 3/6/11

Um, Dawn — if you want to sleep, how about turning your big incesty asphyxiation-play poster around to face the wall? I know I won’t be getting much sleep until you do.

Crankshaft, 3/6/11

To everyone who thinks Ed Crankshaft is a born asshole, he replies: “Assholes are made, not born! Watch me make one out of my son-in-law Jeff, here!”

And in a sign that the idea well at Crankshaft HQ is going dry, the creative process for today’s strip began, “Say, we haven’t done anything with Pam in a long time — there must be something we can do with Pam!”

Judge Parker, 3/6/11

Oh, poo. No murder, no impersonation — just an ambitious intern, “I know I’ve got what it takes”, tedious exposition (“other boss” WTF?), and blah blah blah. How is this different than Sophie’s cheerleader tryouts, exactly? Oh yeah — no audience or professional judging this time around. But hey — Alan’s enjoying the hell out of his Smug Chow, there.

— Uncle Lumpy

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Mark Trail, 3/5/11

Like classic James Bond films, each recent Mark Trail episode one-ups its predecessor with a more exotic location, nastier villain, and hotter babe. Lost Forest, deer-kickin’ Frank Johnson, and Cherry gave way to glamorous Sea Breeze Fishing Camp, stylishly sinister Ben Smith, and sultry Kelly Welly, only to be topped by the azure vistas of Balmy Palmy Isle, our mysterious — yet somehow fabulous — paranoid druglord, and Ms. Hotsie Highwaist here.

Where will it end, this relentless upward spiral of scenery, villainy, and babery? I suspect on the Moon, with Mark savagely beating Kim Jong-Il while remaining strangely indifferent to the charms of Olivia Wilde or somebody. Because Mark can best any villain anywhere, but he shrinks from female contact, as shown in panel two.

Mary Worth, 3/5/11

Driven mad by the Internet, Dawn Weston seeks comfort from her only true friend — that pregnant lady from her Dad’s eating-disorders support group who moved to Charterstone after her retirement and divorce last October. Aaack!

Marmaduke, 3/5/11

From the look of the leftovers, Marmaduke has eaten several sports teams, Mary Poppins, a NASCAR pit crew, neighbor Snyder, and the cop sent to investigate.

Spider-Man, 3/5/11

Yes, vampirism — the only possible explanation! Because seriously — it’s 4:45, and why else would Peter miss The View?

See how quickly Mary Jane rejects the obvious “My husband is a worthless layabout!” in favor of the dramatic “My husband has been overcome by the forces of darkness!” Acting has really honed her denial skills.

Hi! I’m sitting in this week while Josh is on vacation. If you have any site or comment trouble, contact me at uncle.lumpy@comcast.net. Email sent to bio@jfruh.com will still get to Josh, but he won’t read it, because, you know, vacation.

— Uncle Lumpy

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Hey, everybody, I’m leaving for a vacation tomorrow! But don’t worry, I’ve set off the Uncle Symbol and there’s stirring in the Fortress of Lumpitude, so I have faith that your favorite pinch hitter will be on the case starting tomorrow for your comics-mocking pleasure.

Meanwhile, here is your comment of the week!

“‘Love Cherry’ isn’t an autograph. It’s a reminder to himself, because he keeps forgetting what it is, exactly, he’s expected to do.” –David Willis

And your runners up! Very funny!

“Trey admires the elevator for its fine classical ironwork, which serves as a reminder of a more genteel age of American society. Paul, on the other hand, is in awe of the ‘magic up-up box’.” –Chyron HR

“Between Charlie Sheen and the promise of drunk Margo, substance abuse has never been more entertaining, or more improbably coiffed, than it is this week.” –YoungMrGrace

“Wilbur is clearly a regular at this diner; they know his eating habits so well, they don’t even bother giving him a plate anymore.” –Doctor Handsome

“I guess Canada will have to serve as the scapegoat if the Lockhorns actually end up having sex with each other.” –Digger

“Let me tell you something Wilbur, I wouldn’t worry about Dawn’s lack of social interaction. Look at me, I’m supposed to be some sort of close friend or family member, and I don’t really recall ever talking to you before. It hasn’t done me any harm.” –AndyL

“Look mom, a stray wounded man, let’s take him home and name him Lucky!” –F. Cecious Lee

“I’m sorry, Loretta, but no way is that lady going to approve your adoption application now.” –Violet

“It’s not just that Mom Jeans and Spawn (what a great name for a sitcom) have dragged Mark up the beach and into one of their beds, no. It’s that they’ve put Mark Trail into a clean bed, fully clothed in his filthy, stinking, gull shit-splattered 50’s gas station attendant uniform. Do they want him to die of massive infections so they can bury him in the dunes, next to Bysshe Shelley? Evidently personal hygiene and laundry mean nothing on Isla des Mom Jeans. I bet they left his boots on too.” –Islamorada Girl

“Joey desperately ponders what else besides baby powder or cologne could be used to cover up Dennis’s stench.” –nescio

“Interesting. Wilbur isn’t eating that hamburger. I believe he’s making out with it. I also believe I no longer have any will to live.” –Dragon of Life

“Today’s Dick Tracy’s exploration of Lovecraftian themes (the lonely, decrepit house, monstrous rats about to devour a man alive, the barely-sane detective reaching for a revolver and shouting to ancient, nameless ‘Gods’) gives me hope that we’ll ultimately see Cthulhu in the comics pages rise up and destroy the non-believers in a cross-over event that will put the Blondie anniversary to shame.” –The Klute

“I’m gay and yet the highlight of my day has been the prospect of June Morgan working the pole. God help me what has this site done to me?” –dakrat

“When JJJ speaks about ‘the powers of a spider,’ I assume he’s referring to Peter’s ability to hang still in one place for days, waiting for food to come to him.” –frippy

“Also, ‘Your boat drifted onto our little island … you are in my home’ delivers a very, very low ratio of information to word count.” –Katy

“Look, Paul, just because a man won’t be caught dead without a jauntily tied scarf, enjoys making over tired spaces into something fresh and fabulous, and ‘dates’ a woman who’s half tart-tongued viper and half emotional doormat doesn’t necessary mean that man is gay. It just means he appreciates stereotypes. Now kiss me, you dumb blond hunk.” –Mikey

“Has Dawn managed to find a form of suffering too ridiculous for Funky Winkerbean? Scientists and experts should be notified.” –Dan

And this comment from Joe Btfsplk was a bit too long for consideration but attention must be paid nonetheless.

Big thanks to everyone who put cash in my tip jar! And we must of course give thanks to our advertisers:

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