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Funky Winkerbean, 7/19/10

Well, Funky has left the light-hearted whimsy of his coma-dream trip to the past behind and must, like all of us, return to the grim present, where, by iron law, no joy will happen, ever. If you just saw this exchange between Funky and his doctor written out, you might think that they were sharing a light-hearted little joke to break up the mood, but their numb, expressionless faces indicate that neither of them have even heard of these so-called “jokes” of which you speak. So Funky will be deep-throating an enormous plastic dildo twice daily for a reason nobody can or will explain, and he’s just going to have accept that.

Archie, 7/19/10

Archie’s laid-back attitude seems to be irritating his angry, tightly wound boss, but then he probably should have expected this sort of personality clash when he went to work for G. Gordon Liddy. Anyone who forces his employees to wear on their hats the severed heads of the chickens they serve up to their customers definitely has some rage issues.

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Mary Worth, 7/18/10

All you whippersnappers out there, finding love on the so-called “Internet”: Does Match.com provide this level of service? Does it provide a bony, leathery shoulder to cry on after your date fails to follow up a little light beach dancing with nonstop attention? Does it provide rock-solid references and assurances about the character of your potential inamorata, based on about ten minutes of awkward, twitchy conversation? Does it promise to pursue that caddish failure of a human being to the depths of hell itself if necessary to make him love you?

The final panel of this strip shows the proper attitude to take towards a cell phone that might at any moment attempt to broadcast Mary Worth’s voice at you. Hold it at arm’s length, watch it warily, and hurl it as far away as you can at the first sign of trouble.

Mark Trail, 7/18/10

Look, kids, if you get eaten by a bear or shark, don’t come crying to Mark, OK? These majestic beasts don’t follow your so-called human “morality” or “law.” This may be Mark’s own way of justifying his insatiable desire to punch hairy people; his violent actions are governed entirely by instinct, and have no more relation to an ethical code than a skunk’s spraying.

Panels from Apartment 3-G, 7/18/10

Oh, God, it’s even more delightful than I could have imagined! I particularly like Lu Ann regarding that bottle of delicious, delicious gin with her eyes crossed. Can we just jettison the whole makeover plot and get two weeks of “Margo and Lu Ann get blotto”?

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Dick Tracy, 7/17/10

Dick, it’s obvious that anyone who would pay good money to see a play starring you would do so in the anticipation of carnage. Your appearing before the audience bruised and bandaged is a good start, but they probably will quickly grow bored with your jawing, and will start shouting angry demands that you show them the corpses.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 7/17/10

Kudos to Res Morgan for having a storyline about prostate cancer that will be non-sensationalist and not suffused with Funky Winkerbean-style gloom; still, there seems to be a disconnect between Rex’s soothing words and the mayor’s dramatically gobsmacked expression in panel three. “Grandkids? But … but I don’t have any grandkids!” “Oh, yeah, about that, your 16-year-old daughter was here the other day, and…”

Apartment 3-G, 7/17/10

Angry Margo + emotionally vulnerable Lu Ann + tiny bottles of booze = inevitable sexy hilarity.