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Archie, 7/13/10

Archie takes a break today from typical teenage whimsy to explore Riverdale’s grim economics. Lazy layabout Jughead can’t maintain the income necessary to fund his burger habit; Archie, who is marginally more employable and may be writing himself checks from the checkbook stolen from Mr. Lodge’s desk, has agreed to float his friend enough cash to keep him fed, but at significant interest rates — and now those debts are coming due. Terrified at Archie’s suddenly revealed violent side (he’s holding a gun in his left hand in panel three, just out of our field of vision), Jughead seeks out “Pop,” his substitute father figure, coming up with some feeble excuse to try to beg for shelter and protection without Archie noticing. But we can see from his rage in panel two that, if Jughead can’t afford his greasy diner food, Pop wants nothing to do with him, and in panel three he shows that he wants no part of this scene. Jughead will be lucky to escape Archie’s implacable wrath with only a missing thumb or two.

(Seriously, though, if someone could explain to me what’s actually supposed to be happening here, I’d sure appreciate it.)

Apartment 3-G, 7/13/10

Speaking of sudden turns to grimness, I Dressed In The Dark is beginning to look less like What Not To Wear and more like a reality-show version of 24, with the sadistic Mama Kat taking the role of the chief torturer. The girls will submit to her aesthetic demands, no matter how many beatings she has to dish out. But the once bickering roommates will come together now that they’re literally under attack from outsiders; naturally, Margo has taken a leadership role, and she’s demonstrating exactly why, for all her faults, you want her on your side in times of trouble. I look forward to this battle of implacable wills!

Mark Trail, 7/13/10

You might think that Mark Trail owning a cell phone is terribly anachronistic for this strip. The police officer certainly does, based on his puzzled expression in the final panel (“Hey, my uniform indicates that I just arrived here from 1965, and this freak is talking into some tiny sci-fi gadget!”). Still, you have to admit that a mobile phone really allows Mark to ignore the feelings of the people around him, as is his wont. “Excuse me while I take this call … Hi, honey, what’s up? No, I’m not busy, there’s just some old lady here weeping about how they’re going to take away the only things that make her life worth living, some crap like that, I dunno.” Cherry’s glad to be able to get a hold of Mark now, but she’ll regret it when she realizes that with his new phone he doesn’t even have to return home from a romantic horseback ride to get a call from his editor Bill Ellis that will take him out of range of her clumsy seduction attempts.

Dennis the Menace, 7/13/10

Dennis the Menace the character may no longer be menacing, but today’s Dennis the Menace the cartoon panel was apparently menacing to the colorists, who decided that trying to render the vibrating Mitchells in color using the Photoshop tools at their disposal wasn’t worth the effort. This in no way makes up for the fact that the whole “joke” here is that Dennis belched forth a punny malapropism. That’s the sort of thing that Jeffy Keane does, Dennis. Do you want to be like Jeffy Keane?

Cathy, 7/13/10

We interrupt our usual studied ignorance of Cathy to note that today’s “punchline” contains the phrase “poop bags.” We now return you to our usual refusal to acknowledge Cathy’s existence.

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Your COTW in just a second, but first: we’re all consumed by Apartment 3-G makeover mania, am I right? Obviously we’re all very curious about what the gals will look like, once they’ve been made over. Some commentors thought that the King Features About The Characters page offered a clue, but in fact the pics there are from the days of Alex Kotzky, the original artist. But now, I have an exclusive look, courtesy of faithful reader Brenda Starr Destroyer, of the future of 3G!

AHEM. And now … your comment of the week!

“SSmith: Every time you picture that guy from today’s throwaway panels having sex, take a drink. No, that’s not part of a game. It’s just sound advice.” –Artist formerly known as Ben

And the very funny runners up!

“This is what I love about the Batiuk-verse. Even if you’ve been in a car accident which has sent you back in time (!), you still have the presence of mind to make a terrible, terrible half-joke to an uninterested second party.” –Joe Blevins

“I don’t know what Mike and Jenna are on, but whatever drugs make you pick a pumpkin-colored jacket and matching Sansabelt slacks are drugs I want no part of.” –Patrick

“Tommie’s humiliation is somewhat spoiled for me, due to how much she’s obviously enjoying it. She’s the worst bottom ever. No wonder Margo is in such a bad mood all the time.” –Les of the Jungle Patrol

“Did anybody know about the reward? I used a newspaper ad so nobody would read it. Now, it looks like Rusty might get that dog back.” –Renee J

“Is Tommie really a singer now? Or was that all a ruse to get her on stage? I need to know so I can tell if this whole story is just mean or heart-breakingly cruel.” –AndyL

“I for one am disappointed that the naked Gunther storyline was dropped after just two weeks of fake ribaldry. Wouldn’t it have been great if the strip had become a single-joke comic called Luann Saw Gunther Naked? Okay, maybe not great, but better?” –FE

“Oh man, if you take all of Herb’s lines out of that strip it becomes an exceptionally creepy ‘Imma kill you for insurance money’ comic. Just look at Herb’s hideously bulbous eyes light up in the second panel when the idea hits him. He grapples with himself darkly in the third panel before clutching the coffee cup to himself, preparing to bash it off his mother-in-law’s head. She gives him a look of utter disdain … Mere porcelain can’t kill her, oh no Herb, you fool. Nothing can.” –Tophat

“Hey, Stan Lee writes what Stan Lee knows. In 1963 it was social anxiety. In 2010 it’s napping.” –SDL No More!

“This story arc explains so much. Obviously, Puppet Master also has a Spider-Man doll. He bought it years ago, and it’s still in its box, on a shelf.” –seismic-2

“Slim may have gotten ‘rocked’ after pulling an all-nighter moonlighting as a musician, but the true sports-hero’s-downward-spiral narrative comes with Mark Trail, as a closer examination of the dognapping neighbor reveals him to be former Mets first baseman Keith Hernandez.” –Harland

“You don’t think Mark Trail can hear facial hair? Guess again.” –Walker of Dog

“This isn’t Funk to the Future or It’s a Funkerful life. It’s The Cancer of Oz.” –Thomas B.

“Margo is bristling less at being called frumpy than she is at people thinking Lu Ann and Tommie are her friends.” –NoahSnark

“If this makeover results in fewer shirts buttoned all the way up to neck, I will be pleased as punch. However, if it means Margo stops dressing like Han Solo periodically, all the exposed clavicle in the world will not quell my rage.” –Business Pyjamas

Big thanks to everyone who put cash in my tip jar! And we must of course give thanks to our advertisers:

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Apartment 3-G, 7/12/10

Our terribly dressed makeover artists can insult our girls all month, as far as I’m concerned, but I think their barbs might be missing their mark to a certain extent. Sure, Margo looks like an old-fashioned schoolmarm — the sort of old-fashioned schoolmarm with sex appeal smoldering just beneath the surface, not least because she’s teaching in an old-fashioned schoolhouse, where corporal punishment is still permitted. Lu Ann may be a blonde, but she has far less depth and intelligence than the average Barbie doll. And, of course, nothing about Tommie could possibly be described as a “hot mess,” as that phrase is generally reserved for spectacular failures in aesthetics and personal habits, not sad, desperate attempts to fade into the background so that nobody can see you. “Hot mess” will presumably be what all three of these girls will look like once Kat and Kitty are done with them.

Dick Tracy, 7/12/10

Man, is Dick Tracy actively trying to get kicked out of the paper now? Apparently showing mangled corpses at an oblique angle wasn’t enough, so now we’re being treated to a woman more or less cut in half by a falling airplane, her face frozen in the look of terror that came over her when she realized her death was imminent, her hands raised up in a feeble attempt to stave off the inevitable. Delightful!

Gil Thorp, 7/12/10

With the Mudlark spring teams finally, in the second week of July, eliminated from contention, at last we can launch into Milford Summertime Wackiness™. This year’s zany summer story looks like it will revolve around the Thorps’ divorce. “Thanks, but what are you still doing here? You know what the judge said, and my lover Carlos will kick your ass if he catches you. I’m sorry you don’t have any containers at your sad apartment; just take the pitcher and get out.”