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Rex Morgan, M.D., 1/31/09

“Good lord, June,” you may be thinking, “Why do you hound Rex so?” Look at the broken man before you in panel one, having been totally browbeaten into joining some kind of foolish search all over this drifting, barely-crewed ship for a probably non-existent child. Surely June isn’t doing it because she cares about little lost children or anything, or because she wants to assuage her own child’s fears, since that would require a degree of empathy that we know she lacks. No, panel three tells the story: it’s only after she completely breaks Rex’s will over some unrelated matter that he will agree to lie there and submit to her advances. June’s getting lucky, for certain extremely depressing definitions of “lucky.”

Hi and Lois, 1/31/09

The Flagston family’s turn to cannibalism will be swift and, from the reader’s perspective, gratifying.

Marvin, 1/31/09

Marvin’s family’s turn to cannibalism will be swift, even more pointless than the Flagstons’, and, from the reader’s perspective, extremely gratifying.

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Mark Trail, 1/30/09

Uh-oh! Looks like we’re going to be getting to the punchery much sooner than anticipated! Obviously, the world of Mark Trail does not conform to our simple linear Earth-logic, but there are a few things going on here that are laughable even by this strip’s standards:

• It’s laughable that any adult human — even one as demonstrably dim as poor deerophilic Patty — would require photo-taking instructions so basic as to make it seem that she’s never encountered one of these so-called “cameras” before. “And you promise that this won’t actually put you and Bucky inside the little box, right?”
• It’s laughable that someone would be jealous at discovering Mark alone with his wife, as anyone who’s exchanged two sentences with the man would realize that sex baffles and terrifies him.
• It’s laughable that anyone would be able to clench his hand into a fist within half a mile of Mark without Mark hearing the tell-tale crinkling of palm-flesh and instantly being on the alert. WATCH OUT, KEN!

Marvin, 1/30/09

“Hmm, I seem to have written a joke that requires the grandfather character to be asleep without the reader realizing it until the third panel! This is tricky because, according to my research, most people close their eyes when they sleep, and eyes are something I draw when I do cartoons. Hmm, let me think, let me think … I could have him wear sunglasses, inside for some reason … no, that doesn’t make sense. Or, I could draw his regular eyeglasses such that you can’t see his pupils. That is at odds with how I’ve drawn him every other time he’s appeared in the strip, but, as I think I mentioned, I already came up with the joke, so it’ll have to do.”

Crankshaft, 1/30/09

If there’s one thing guaranteed to shock and disgust Crankshaft, it’s a sincere expression of human affection.

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Dick Tracy, 1/29/09

Dick Tracy is well known for such stunningly pointless narration box scene setting as “In another room” and “Elsewhere,” but I have to admit to being somewhat intrigued by “Much later”. By using qualitative, not quantitative, terms, the strip sets up an intriguing narrative tension about exactly when the third panel is supposed to be taking place. Are we meant to read it as “Much later, after Dick’s gruesome, nine-hour ‘enhanced’ interrogation of Professor Noll, at the end of which he described the secret project he was working on, confessed to a number of crimes he couldn’t have possibly committed, and then was shot ‘trying to escape’?” Or as “Much later, after the human race has evolved into a species with no pupils, shiny black skulls, truncated, pointy breasts, and a tendency to name people things like ‘Driller’?”

Gil Thorp, 1/29/09

Of course, Central has an incredible home-court advantage. Playing basketball on a court with four-foot ceilings does limit the number of home fans who can come and cheer, but for teams unused to such conditions, the stooped, simian lope that they make necessary can be a real distraction — one that the permanently hunched over Bobcats can exploit.

I’m not sure what the two clowns standing behind Marty are up to — trying to get their faces on the radio? That’s not how it works, guys — but I sincerely hope that the blond-haired glasses-wearing dude is making the universal jerk-off motion with his left hand, as he appears to be.

Blondie, 1/29/05

I strongly disapprove of the set-up for this joke. Dagwood can’t possibly be much older than, say, 50; obviously anyone born after 1960, when asked by a child if some common, century-old device were available during their childhood, would respond not with “Yes, and yet I’m also going to offer a description of an archaic technology that will make me seem even more wizened to you,” but with “JESUS CHRIST ELMO HOW OLD DO YOU THINK I AM,” followed by some serious soul-searching and a series of inappropriate and regrettable music and clothing purchases.

Mary Worth, 1/29/09

“Yes, before I came to visit you, I never imagined the hatred and despair that lurked just beneath the besequined surface of this beautiful sport! Now every time I see a coach talking to a skater on TV, all I’ll be able to think of will be the many ways that each has been able to wound and disappoint the other over the years. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to finish my glass of blood as soon as possible and get the hell out of here before this little papered-over truce you’ve established inevitably collapses in tears and acrimony and slashing blades.”