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Hey everyone, without further ado, it’s time for your COMMENT OF THE WEEK!

“I think we can safely add Ziggy’s cat to the list of pets he’s having sex with. Someone is keeping this list, right? Not it.” –Cranky

And the many runners up! Man, they are funny.

“Mark Trail’s sex fantasies look like the Boy Scout handbook, sharing a distinctive style characterized by (1) a wealth of informative facts arranged into short, neat paragraphs and (2) a complete absence of sex.” –One-eyed Wolfdog

“No, Luann, it doesn’t make you cattle, but it does put you in the 98th pay percentile of prostitutes for your state.” –sugarpie

“Rex looks very Montgomery Clift in Panel 3, I must say. And very Joan Crawford in Panel 2. Neither bode well for June, or explain Sarah.” –teddytoad

“Sam decides that it is finally time to teach Sophie his own technique for dealing with being smarter than everyone else: emotional disengagement, boredom, and condescension. Remember, Sophie, arrogance is more than a social handicap, it’s a psychological defense mechanism!” –Master Softheart

“Thus begins yet another bloodsoaked chapter in ‘Officer’ Tracy’s genocidal campaign against the hideously deformed. And yet the Keane kids with their oversized melon heads somehow escape your homicidal rage. Why God? Why!!!?” –Sunny Mel Blatherscythe

“Who would intentionally leave their son on a cruise ship? By the way, which celebrity do I look like when I make this face? I’ll give you a hint, it’s not NOT Joan Rivers.” –Amanda M

“I think Elmo might be excused for some confusion as to Dagwood’s antiquity, given that the latter is strolling jauntily down the street in a dashing cerulean frock coat carrying an old-timey washboard.” –Violet

“Panel 3 looks to me like Matt Damon & Ben Affleck are hanging out, waiting for an opportunity to show Marty their screenplay for Good Will Hunting 3: Have Good, Will Hunt.” –bobk

“I blame panel 1 on all the cutbacks the newspapers have been making. The editors refuse to give the artist enough room for the art, so these poor high school students are forced into a panel that’s much too small for them. Ultimately, I blame Craigslist.” –PeteMoss

“I love how [Dick Tracy] creates suspense. You have to wait several days just to find out what simple English phrases mean. It’s like if the dictionary had a ‘To be continued’ tag.” –Donald the Anarchist

“Notice how no one in that fancy schmancy restaurant is reflected in the mirror on the wall? Either they’re all vampires and that really IS blood in Mary’s glass, or the mirror just can’t bring itself to double the number of HIDEOUS outfits those diners are wearing. Geez, is that girl still wearing a sweaty warm-up jacket?” –Charterstoned

“The whole abusive husband plus wife with a deer thing in Mark Trail reminds of a story by Arthur Machen or Saki or someone like that. The husband ends up getting impaled.” –Mr. O’Malley

“Mark is taking this news about an emotionally-abusive, violent husband with remarkable calm. I bet he’d have that same expression if he came home and found Cherry lying dead on the floor. He’d call 911, but his mouth would still retain that firm half-smile, the one that says Death is just another bad guy with facial hair.” –Poteet

“Lynn looks like she’s pretty much done with being grief stricken. One victory, and she forgets all about .. you know, what’s his name … dead kid?” –buckyswife

“I like the way Summer, in her own fit of depression about being the second banana on the team, decides that she’s going to drag everyone down with her. Today, it’s Les and the spectre of death. Tomorrow: ‘Hey Funky — do you miss the alcohol-induced haze?’ Next day: ‘Hi Harry, do you miss the sense of hear — I SAID HI HARRY! YES, HELLO! I SAID THAT TO YOU.'” –blammers66

“What exactly is Lois complaining about when she says ‘No lights’ (I’ll just ignore the fact that she’s looking directly at a light while saying it)? No light means that she temporarily doesn’t have to see the rest of her family’s hair, which can only be a good thing.” –peabody

“Dennis’ grasp on reality is bizarrely inconsistent. Note how, even though he’s asleep, he realizes his mother would think her neighbour’s behaviour is strange at best, yet later he is content to make believe it’s still the ’50s, ice cream is still sold in ‘shoppes,’ and Dennis the Menace is still relevant.” –Black Drazon

“OH MY GOD! Margo is an undercover agent hunting the enemies of the Chinese Government! This explains EVERYTHING! Although the modern Chinese government isn’t nearly cruel enough to justify their having Margo in their arsenal. My guess is the storyline is about to involve a time machine, the Cultural Revolution, and a necklace made of skulls. In a subplot, Tommie will attend a movie by herself.” –Lettuce

“I really did think the first panel of Trail was a joke between a cow and a deer. ‘What’s the difference between antlers and horns?’ ‘Gee, Bessie, I don’t know?’ (ribald punchline follows)” –Shmork

“About the only thing Electro’s outsized headgear is good for is preventing him from making a dramatic entrance through a normal door into any room. Maybe he has French doors at home. Maybe that’s why all his crimes are outside.” –trey le parc

“I, for one, embrace our new Laugh Unit overlord as he/it nears fully loaded status. I have prepared the sides and back of my scalp with a hot waffle iron in anticipation.” –migellito

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Mark Trail, 2/2/09

For many years, philosophers have wondered: Is there anything worse than being punched by Mark Trail? One proposal — that it would be worse to be punched twice — was rejected, as such an event would ultimately fall into the category of being punched. Today, however, we learn that it may actually ultimately be more shameful and humiliating to not be punched by Mark Trail. If Mark considered Ken to be at all a worthy opponent, he’d have been knuckle-sandwiched halfway into next week by now. By offering a leisurely rebuttal to Ken’s implied accusations while casually dodging his wild uppercut, then merely immobilizing Ken’s punching hand rather than unleashing his own, Mark essentially implies that Ken isn’t even worth the fist-clenching effort. Our animal-hating conclusion-jumping rage-monster will just have to grow facial hair if he wants Mark to take him seriously.

Archie, 2/2/09

The AJGLU-3000 continues its attempts to communicate with the outside world; however, since its programming only allows communication by means of corny jokes involving the Archie gang, its signals are baffling to biological life units such as myself. Is that creepy face in on the screen in panel two meant to be grinning in cybernetic delight at the prospect of communicating with another form of intelligence? Or is that curvy thing its faux-nose, and the line beneath it its grim, implacable mouth? Either way, the young lady at the keyboard, who is presumably attempting to write her book report on Of Mice And Men or whatever, looks shocked and almost hypnotized at suddenly being confronted with this sign of mechanical sentience. Presumably the monitor will soon be filled with a series of flashing, quarter-second images of static and pulsing color patterns, which will cause her head to explode.

Spider-Man, 2/2/09

Our Spider-Man trip through memory lane reveals that Peter Parker is and always has been the dumbest person of any kind who has ever lived. “It’s hard to hide my Spider-Man costume while I’m a guest at Aunt May’s! I’ll just cram it under the couch cushions in the living room, while she’s right here in front of me! Fortunately, this terrible mauve piece of Depression-era furniture is already so lumpy that there’s no way she’ll feel it when she sits here to watch her stories.”

I was going to suggest that Peter think about storing his costume in his room, where he might have a smidge of privacy, but then I was struck by his description of himself as a “guest.” Maybe Aunt May thinks that he should be living in a dorm, having sex and doing drugs like a normal college student, and thus is trying to get him out of her house by making his stay as awkward and uncomfortable as possible. “Peter, dear, you don’t mind sleeping on the couch, do you? I’d hate to have to take my collection of commemorative Hummel figurines out of the guest bedroom.”

Meanwhile, Electro continues his flashback soliloquy, establishing the fact that he’s both a failure and a dick.

Mary Worth, 2/2/09

“In fact, now that I’m not micromanaging my daughter’s career so much, I have more time to commit to my new supervillain persona, the Harlequin! Say, have you seen my mask? I’ve got a bank to rob!”

Marmaduke, 2/2/09

Marmaduke really likes a buffet.

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Dennis the Menace, 2/1/09

“OH NO,” I thought as I read today’s Dennis the Menace, “THIS IS AS NON-MENACING AS IT GETS!” Dennis having sleepy-time fun, engaging in ludicrously wholesome pursuits with Mr. Wilson? “MAN, I LOVE PISTACHIO!” “I LIKE STRAWBERRY!” Gah! SO NOT MENACING AT ALL.

But really, give this strip a moment’s thought (which, for the record, is about three-quarters of a moment more than it deserves). Look at the fixed, deranged grin on Mr. Wilson’s face, particularly in the first panel of the second row. The poor man is obviously not enjoying himself; he’s a mere puppet in Dennis’s dreamworld, where the towheaded monster is all-powerful and is forcing the put-upon retiree to leave his comfortable home and consort with his greatest nemesis. Dennis’s plea in the final panel isn’t some cutesy, childish inability to understand the difference between dreams and reality; in fact, he has created some kind of Nightmare On Elm Street shared universe with the fitfully sleeping Mr. Wilson up the street, who is being compelled by forces he doesn’t understand to frolic for another’s amusement. Dennis thinks he’s getting Mr. Wilson to “have fun,” but like most children, he doesn’t understand that his likes and dislikes aren’t shared by everybody. George Wilson will run and fish and hike and eat ice cream, a rictus smile on his face, until he drops dead of a heart attack.

And even if this really is just an ordinary dream, one has to wonder about Dennis’s unhealthy fixation on his elderly neighbor, to the exclusion of others who might actually want to go fishing and hiking with him. One imagines him breathlessly recounting this wonderful dream over the breakfast table, while he father silently dies inside.

Mark Trail, 2/1/09

OH MY GOD ADORABLE TINY LITTLE MOUSE DANGLING OFF OF DISCARDED DEER ANTLER = CUTEST MARK TRAIL IMAGE EVER!!!!!!

I’m increasingly concerned about Mark Trail’s mixed messages; first he’s all “Wild animals are not pets” but now he’s like “Sure, go right up to that deer and look in its mouth to figure out how old it is, can’t see anything going wrong with that.” At least he didn’t give the answer I expected, which was to cut the deer in half and count the rings.