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Blondie, 3/29/23

I’ve always been a “work at home in my pajamas” guy rather than a “carpool” guy, but my understanding is that carpools that consist of the same people generally follow the same route every day, so I’m honestly not sure why Herb needs directions suddenly. I guess there could be a detour or something and this could end up like one of those ’80s/’90s exploitation thrillers (usually called something like DETOUR) where innocent middle-class types take a wrong turn into the wrong neighborhood and suddenly have to fight for their lives against the criminal element. That honestly seems more likely than, say, any of these losers somehow getting a new job that requires them to learn how to drive to another office building.

Dennis the Menace, 3/29/23

At least Blondie had that little detail to keep me interested in a strip that was basically a “ha ha, how about that Siri, amiright folks” joke. Today’s Dennis the Menace doesn’t even have that level of texture to it, it’s just “Alexa! It’s a thing that exists, that children know about!” Honestly, doing jokes about digital assistants are a mid-’10s thing, even syndicated newspaper comics should’ve moved on to jokes about generative AI by now.

Safe Havens, 3/29/23

Here’s Safe Havens, a strip I don’t think I’ve ever talked about before, but it’s about time travel and space travel and, uh, some other stuff, and say what you will about it (or don’t, I certainly haven’t) but at least it knows that the hot tech jokes in the year of our lord 2023 should be about generative AI.

The Lockhorns, 3/29/23

Oh, man, not to smugly say I told you so, but: If Loretta were posting a pic of their dinner on Facebook, that would be a sure sign the Lockhorns were boomers. A deliberately badly staged photo and a snarky, self-deprecating comment on Twitter? Gen X. A Leroy reaction vid captioned: “POV: you are feeding your husband inedible slop” on TikTok? Zoomers. But Loretta is gonna slap a filter on that plateful of brown goo, making it look like she took a picture of it with a Polaroid camera in 1977, and you know what that means: THE LOCKHORNS ARE MILLENNIALS.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 3/29/23

OH MY GOD HUGE MUD MOUNTAIN MURPHY NEWS EVERYBODY! He looks … like this now? I have literally no idea what aesthetic he’s trying to make happen here; I’m not sure how to map “Secret Service Agent” onto a musical genre and honestly wish Buck were here to rattle off the names of a bunch of arcane categories so I could get my bearings. Anyway, it’s obviously funny that Mud Mountain has made this stylistic change, but it’s much, much funnier that he’s doing it on a cruise. If it doesn’t work out, well, what happens in international waters isn’t binding, career-wise, right?

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Judge Parker, 3/28/23

Look, we’ve had a lot of dragged-out and sometimes baffling emotional processing between these two over the past few years, and I for one am not ready for them to sheepishly admit that they probably should never have broken up in the first place. I am grudgingly prepared to allow for an eventual reconciliation so long as Abbey’s “find[ing] out what [she] want[s]” involves a voyage of sexual exploration across the great state of whatever state Cavelton is in that lasts at least through the summer.

Daddy Daze, 3/28/23

I was about to say that the Daddy Daze baby has finally figured out the central joke of the Daddy Daze comic strip, which is that the Daddy Daze daddy “repeats” everything the Daddy Daze baby “says” so that we at home can understand it, but of course the baby hasn’t figured anything out at all; he’s an infant and all his various “ba”s really are just pre-verbal babbling. No, what actually happened is that the Daddy Daze daddy has decided to get increasingly meta with his bit, which really is a product of his desperately lonely and increasingly unhinged mind. The baby can’t understand you, man! And you can’t understand him either! You’re talking to nobody!

Beetle Bailey, 3/28/23

Beetle Bailey has been slowly adding more rounded characterization to Zero of all people over the past few years: we’ve learned that in addition to being very stupid, he’s a farm boy and also a terrifyingly accurate killer. He’s also a teetotaler, I guess? Adding this information to the file [I open an enormous file cabinet next to my desk and pull out a folder labeled BEETLE BAILEY CHARACTERS M-Z]

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 3/27/23

SMASH CUT TO: a group of furious middle-aged cruise-goers dangling “Mud Mountain” Murphy off the side of the ship, threatening to let him drop into the sea unless he “plays the god-damned hits.”

Gasoline Alley, 3/27/23

SMASH CUT TO: The children all being trampled to death by Brig. Gen. Fitzhugh Lee’s Confederate cavalry division on day three of the Battle of Gettysburg, while Ida Knoe the evil doll sits in a tree, grinning down at them.

Shoe, 3/27/23

Ha ha, it’s funny because Skyler’s grim, depressing home life occasionally crosses over the line separating neglect from abuse!