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Luann, 10/16/08

Hi there, perverts with delicate sensitivities! Did you enjoy last week’s exciting “Brad sees Toni in a sports bra and becomes aroused” storyline? Well, then you’ll love this week’s provocative “Gunther delicately drapes his measuring tape over Luann’s ‘bust,’ at her explicit request, and becomes aroused, but apparently feels bad about it” storyline! You can blame the stultifying Victorian sensibilities that still reign in the anachronistic print media for the bizarre chasteness of these scenes, but you can thank those same sensibilities for sparing you the sight of Brad and/or Gunther furiously masturbating in the bathroom just after those scenes ended.

Mark Trail, 10/16/08

Wow, this Mark Trail storyline is trying to mash all of the strip’s usual tropes into one big steaming pile of narrative mess. We’ve already got lovable forest-dwelling hermits, a rapacious developer with a mustache who hates nature, and a sexy lady who wants into Mark’s khaki pants. Now we also have hillbillies who are cruel to animals! Inevitably, Sneaky will be drawn into this terrible scene, with the intention of putting us on the edge of our seats with worry over the beloved raccoon. There are two related problems with this plan. This first is that Sneaky is not lovable at all, but rather a soulless, dead-eyed monster who cannot be regarded with anything other than dread. Sneaky, I thrilled to the adventures of Molly the Bear; I danced on stage with Molly the Bear; Molly the Bear was a friend of mine. Sneaky, you’re no Molly the Bear.

The second reason why I’m not anxious for the fate of our raccoon hero in a Sneaky vs. dog smackdown is that Sneaky, being a sociopathic killer, will emerge victorious in a matter of bloody, horrifying seconds. I foresee a lot of overall-clad bumpkins standing around a fetid shack uncomfortably while Sneaky rears up triumphantly over the corpse of his victim, chittering out the raccoon equivalent of “COME ON! YOU WANT A PIECE OF THIS? HUH? DO YA?”

Gasoline Alley, 10/16/08

Words that have never, ever been followed by engaging narrative of any kind: “Let’s check it out on the Internet!”

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Mark Trail, 10/15/08

I cannot believe that I was taken so completely aback by this totally obvious development, but I was, to my great delight. Ha ha, another sexy seemingly not-insane gal cannot resist Mark Trail and his grinning, tan-clad quasi-autistic stylings! There’s a lot to love about this strip, but I’ll start with the fact that Sue Butler was apparently relaxing in her home with her feet tucked underneath her; note how she daintily slips her toes into her slipper, like the lady that she is! I also like the fact that she’s hanging around the house wearing some kind of form-fitting all-white outfit; she knows that if she wants to bag Mark, she’ll have to advertise her purity, because nothing repulses him like sex appeal.

Curtis, 10/15/08

180 degrees by 180 degrees? That’s … that’s not how geometry works, I don’t think. I’ll admit that those measurements may well denote something that’s not round, but rather “round.”

Note that Gunk’s enormous head appears to be protruding from a Flyspeck Island volcano in the third panel. Does that make him the strange land’s Supreme Being? Is he cheerfully telling the tale of how he, as a vengeful God, wiped out all life on earth as a whim? That would go a long way towards explaining this.

Family Circus, 10/15/08

“Yes, sweetie! You see, your daddy and I got to be about sixteen and we couldn’t resist our filthy, sinful urges for each other’s hot, sexy bodies anymore, so we had to wrap them up in marriage’s holy sacrament.”

(I was originally going to write a joke about a failed attempt to abandon newborn Billy in the bathroom at the prom, but I decided it was in poor taste even for me.)

Apartment 3-G, 10/15/08

Oh, Margo, you lovable minx! “This unholy mess” is, naturally, Alan’s blood, splattered all over the Mills Gallery. You could try collecting it for your delectation later, Margo. I know you usually go for the blood of the innocent, but if you’re lucky there might be some traces of dope left in it.

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Spider-Man, 10/14/08

I’m one of those people who don’t have cable. I don’t think this makes me morally superior or anything; I’m just cheap, and have an irregular schedule, and a NetFlix subscription. But if it were possible to buy cable channels individually instead of as one big SuperMegaSaverPackage Of Stuff You’ll Never Watch, Turner Classic Movies would definitely be on my list. I love old movies, and I love knowing that there’s a whole channel out there dedicated to showing them. That’s why it makes me a little sad to see that the TCM folks have had to resort to paying third-rate superhero comic strips for product placement, though not half as a sad as their marketing people probably were when they got the strip they’d paid for and saw Maria doing … whatever the hell she’s doing in the first panel.

Herb and Jamaal, 10/14/08

Dear Herb and Jamaal,

To the extent that I can be said to enjoy your strip, I enjoy it for the gentle, good-natured everyday humor that arises from the situations in which your generally cheerful characters find themselves. Please do not have said characters develop a panic about their mortality so overwhelming that even the thought of sleep terrifies them.

Thanks in advance,
The Comics Curmudgeon

P.S. If the aforementioned characters deal with this psychological affliction with a downward spiral of drugs and/or alcohol, I may let it slide.

Marmaduke, 10/14/08

Ha ha, Marmaduke’s owners have lived with him for so long that they no longer have any idea what “innocent” looks like. For the record, that’s less “innocent” and more “feeding frenzy.”