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Judge Parker, 1/30/23

JUDGE PARKER PLOT RECAP SPEEDRUN: The Spencer-Drivers were all gathered at Abby’s compound contemplating their next move vis-a-vis the whole “crooked cops and meth dealers are after them” business, when a drunken Detective Yelich went and kidnapped the traumatized son of Judge Meth who’s the only witness to his family’s murder, in an attempt to lure Judge Meth to the compound, except it turns out that’s exactly what Judge Meth wanted, and so he’s here now holding Sophie at gunpoint, and now suddenly the traumatized son is slightly less catatonic. Sure would be funny if the initial thought that the son was the murderer was correct, and he resolves this whole dilemma neatly by killing his father. Turns out he just loves murdering his family members! He just can’t get enough of it!

Six Chix, 1/30/23

Imagine if you lived in a universe where everything — your house, your food, the landscape around you — was made up of the exact same material as your flesh. What would “homemade” mean in that scenario? It sure would be [lowers sunglasses like David Caruso on CSI: Miami] chilling.

Gil Thorp, 1/30/23

“Look at the beautiful flag flying in the breeze, Dr. Pearl. I tell you what, there’s nothing more American that forcing students to engage in feats of physical strength for the amusement of others in order to fund extra-curricular activities that could’ve been paid for by the district’s budget if the town hadn’t voted down the last four school bond issues.”

Crock, 1/30/23

Between this strip and the one from a couple weeks ago about iPods, you have to imagine that the Crock creative team spent the turn of the century terrified that the rising generation would focus so much attention on their devices that they wouldn’t care if they killed themselves or someone else in the process. And in a sense, didn’t they turn out to be right? Well, no, but it’s fun to think about Crock saying “eenternet ‘ookup” in a cartoonish French accent, so I’ll allow it.

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Dennis the Menace, 1/29/23

True story: when I saw today’s Dennis the Menace title panel, my immediate thought was “Ha ha, surely this isn’t lovable scamp Dennis the Menace actually digging a grave, this is just illustrating a play on words like they sometimes do.” But, nope, turns out he is, in fact, digging a grave, and I gotta say, as far as comics about children digging graves go, this one, which is about a kid preparing a decent burial for the littlest member of his household, even when nobody else in his family will, contains as little menace as possible.

Gasoline Alley, 1/29/23

Have you ever wondered where, exactly, the syndicated newspaper comic strip Gasoline Alley takes place? Well, today’s strip doesn’t answer the question, exactly, but it does eliminate a lot of possibilities, mostly the area where people use dialect terms that can be spun into “fun facts.” Also it’s someplace where animals can talk, I guess.

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Dick Tracy, 1/28/23

I don’t know why, but I find Art Dekko’s statement that, while he’s hiding from possible spear gun murder, he’ll “have food delivered and such” very funny. He just wants you to know that he’s thought this thing through, OK? And honestly Sue Reel’s reaction is even funnier. Sue, thanks to the new wave of food delivery apps, you can enjoy delicious entrees from just about any restaurant in Neo-Chicago at home, or, in this case, in your storeroom! You may be a character created in 1980 whose name is a pun on “surreal” and who has a mustache in tribute to surrealist artist Salvador Dali, but surely you know that delivery isn’t just for pizza anymore?

Beetle Bailey, 1/28/23

Wow, it seems like the folks over at Walker-Browne Amalgamated Humor Industries LLC have finally gotten wind of “Drynuary,” a concept that’s at least seventeen years old! Saturday strips are often about how the Halftrack marriage is a hellish prison, but I like that today’s is about the two of them teaming up to defeat the only thing they loathe more than each other: sobriety.

Mary Worth, 1/28/23

Ah, it looks like Estelle and Ed have gotten to the part of the evening where they just say the names of their dishes to one another. That’s good, right? I’ve been out of the dating scene for a while now.