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For Better Or For Worse and They’ll Do It Every Time, 12/18/07

Just to show how deeply the FOOB hooks have sunk into all of our hearts, I’d like to confess that, like several commentors, I was doing the math in my head yesterday when April said that there’d be 14 guests at the Christmas Patterbash. Who would the extra two be? Today we learn that they’ll be Deanna’s parents, which I am quite frankly very pleased about. Deanna’s mother may be awful and hateful, but there will be nobody for that hate to be focused on except her in-laws, and that can only be a good thing. Her constant harping and barely passive aggression should up the chance of someone getting punched in the face, and I’m going to need to hold on to that possibility if I’m going to make it through this.

Deanna may be pleased now about how much help she’ll be getting from her guests in the food prep department, but today’s TDIET holds a clue to her inevitable post-party future. The glassy-eyed Deanna-bot will no doubt be grimly polishing the dishes long into the evening, as Mike teaches the kids how to break things, or, more likely, hides in his attic office, staring at the computer screen and indulging in an inner monologue in which self-doubt provides a thin veneer for self-aggrandizing.

(Bonus Scadutoism: “Reunionite.”)

Apartment 3-G, 12/18/07

Directions Eric could be going with this:

• “Look, Margo, it’s been fun having sex with you and all, but this is pretty much where I start making excuses for not seeing you.”
• “It’s just that … having seen the horror of my parents’ marriage … I just don’t know if I can ever truly … commit myself …” (Note: May be cover story for previous bullet point.)
• “Oh, you’re from a dysfunctional family too? And have never learned to express feelings in any kind of healthy way either? Well, we’re perfect for each other then!”
• “Margo, what I’m trying to say is that you remind me of my mother. And my mother is fucking terrifying.”

Curtis, 12/18/07

Despite my Curmudgeonly status, I must give props to even those corny jokes that give me little guffaws of joy, and the image that Curtis offers today — of snowflakes that are really tiny elf turds — definitely did that. I might feel differently the next time it snows and I’m unable to get the image out of my head. I also like the way Curtis is rooting around the branches of the Christmas tree, looking for anything even remotely edible to cram down his insatiable gullet.

Funky Winkerbean, 12/18/07

Dear Funky Winkerbean:

Ahem.

A “SOLO CAR DATE” IS NOT A REAL THING THAT ANYONE ACTUALLY SAYS. REPEATING IT OVER AND OVER WILL NOT MAKE IT A REAL THING THAT ANYONE ACTUALLY SAYS.

I thank you for your time.

Sincerely,
The Comics Curmudgeon

Archie, 12/18/07

“To be honest, though, I think a lot of people are just stopping by his booth to stare at his crotch.”

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Ack! I used faithful reader Brown-Eyed Girl’s pic of an anarchist Santa, but have been terribly remiss in relaying her meetup report! Let’s make amends now! Here it is, straight from her mouth (or typing fingers, anyway):

Oregon mudges Deena in OR, Brown-eyed Girl, gnome de blog, and redlikerubies met up at Powell’s Bookstore in downtown Portland. (leathermessiah was supposed to join us, but foolishly chose academic obligations over fun. Silly leathermessiah). The sun actually shone that day, which I take as a sign that the deity was well-pleased that another Comics Curmudgeon meet-up had occurred. As it happened, our table was right next to the comics section. Of course we posed in front of
the display. Deena in OR is holding Dykes to Watch Out For, I have Family Circus, gnome de blog chose a general book on comics, while redlikerubies found a particularly heinous For Better or For Worse. (Photography by Mr. redlikerubies, who patiently waited while we scrabbled through the shelves and was an all-around good sport.)

If you’d like to meet up with your fellow readers, check out the meetup forum! A quick glance shows that there’s a big one brewing in New Orleans for December 26…

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Slylock Fox and My Cage, 12/17/07

Ye cats! It’s a sexy feline trans-comic crossover scenario! I’m ashamed to admit that I hadn’t yet added My Cage to my Chron custom page, mostly because rebuilding a page with 70+ strips is a pain in the ass. But I’ve liked what I’ve seen of it, and its writer, Ed Power, is a faithful reader, so Cassandra’s glamorous appearance in the strip’s humdrum office setting has finally gotten me off my butt to do so.

Norm will pay for dismissing Cassandra based on her appearance, though. She’s 100 percent qualified — to steal the hell out of all your crap, buddy.

Meanwhile, with Cassandra off running some kind of white-collar long con, her cousin Carla is picking up her slack, theft-wise. I find it kind of endearing that Carla is wearing a cat-burglar suit despite being an actual cat. And today’s Slylock actually teaches a valuable lesson, namely: DON’T EVER TRUST CATS.

Mark Trail, 12/17/07

Everyone knows that Mark Trail has incredibly powerful fist and an inability to feel distracting human emotions; but you may not know that he also boasts a supernaturally discerning palette. Some years back, he proved his ability to identify illegal narcotics by taste, always a useful skill when you get involved in high-stakes adventure as Mark is wont to do. Today, however, as we watch him gobbling up the soggy, week-old off-brand cigar butts that Andy is faithfully digging up for him, I’m beginning to worry about the guy a little bit.

Family Circus, 12/18/07

Dad bellows Charles Dickens to nobody in particular. The kids stare around dumbly, then smile in a greedy, Pavlovian response to a stray phrase that sounds like something they want. Enjoy this Christmas card straight from the heart of lunacy.

Gil Thorp, 12/17/07

YES! YES! After weeks of waiting, Milford is finally unleashing its nutty Wing-T offense!

…

…

Wow, so it turns out that confusing and badly-drawn football action in a comic strip is actually kind of boring.

They’ll Do It Every Time, 12/17/07

Yet another Comics Curmudgeon idea in TDIET! This one comes from eco-minded faithful reader Dave, who I urge everyone to refer to as “Gus Greenearth” from now on.

I love the way little Junior almost forgets his line in the first panel. “Uh … [damn it, I know it’s one of the classic TDIET catchphrases] … oh, yeah!” Also, bonus Scaduto-ism: “sooper-market.”