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Spider-Man, 11/6/07

Oh, thank God, Spider-Man is here to crack the case with the proportional Google-searching ability … of a spider! With its, uh, many legs, all the better to tap out Google query after Google query with. The sad thing is that this exact set of ground-breaking detection techniques was also on display a month ago in Gil Thorp. Except that the Milford kids are are a bunch of no-talent losers with nothing better to do but sit around surfing the net all day, while Spider-Man is … oh, wait. At least Peter Parker is offering us some beefcake action by leaving his old man pajamas unbuttoned. In a few years, there will inevitably be a romance novel that features someone on its cover passionately Googling something, and it will look a little something like this. Only better drawn.

Mary Worth, 11/6/07

Something very, very deep inside Mary Worth caused her to offer to pay good money to save the life of some dumb dog, and in panel two you can tell that she’s fighting it with every fiber of her being. She can barely choke out the part of the sentence after “I’ll”; her teeth are gritted so fiercely that her face is transformed into a grim, deathly rictus (more so than usual, I mean); and her hand is clutching at the black, empty hole where her heart is supposed to be. And there will be payback. Oh yes, there will be payback. That dog is going to wish it died on the side of the road with a modicum of dignity.

9 Chickweed Lane, 11/6/07

Hot, hot possible thing Francis will be asking Diane to “indulge” him in: Hot, hot and totally papally sanctioned ex-priest-on-ex-nun-side-of-the-road sex in the back seat.

Horrifying and disturbing and more probable thing Francis will be asking Diane to “indulge” him in: “…so I told Thorax he could tag along on our wedding night. Hope that’s OK!”

Apartment 3-G, 11/6/07

YES PLEASE YES THE DAY OF WRATH APPROACHES

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Judge Parker, 11/5/07

Hey there, omniscient narration box, there’s no need to shout! It’s not like the information you’re giving us is even vaguely exciting or interesting.

I’m glad that Sophie has convinced Keith that his climate is changing. For too long we’ve turned a blind eye to the inconvenient truth of Northern California warming.

Dennis the Menace, 11/5/07

Dennis gets a lot of flack around these parts for his total lack of menacing, but I have to say that I’m not going to call him a wimp for being disgusted by the idea of eating his mother’s vomit. That’s just good taste.

Pluggers, 11/5/07

This had better be as close as we ever get to seeing plugger sex, or else I will be wreaking a terrible vengeance on somebody.

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Hello there! Why not enjoy a comment of the week on a fine Sunday afternoon?

“Mary Worth in a nutshell: Not ‘there’s a lot to learn from our four-footed friends,’ but ‘there’s a lot to be said about learning from our four-footed friends.'” –Sharona

And now that your appetite has been whetted, why not enjoy the runners up?

“These kids may seem crazy, but if you ask me, they’re crazy-smart, using a Ford Taurus to conduct their mischief-making. The cops will never stop them; they’ll never even notice them.” –Salmon Pink

“Holy freaking cow! It’s like the oompa loompas gangbanged Judy Garland.” –SmartPeopleOnIce

“Cully isn’t rolling out with ‘Boyd Henry and his friends,’ with ‘friends’ in the plural, unless someone is hiding in the backseat. Which means Mitch didn’t ‘find’ the money so much as he ‘earned it from whoever is going down on him in that last panel.'” –Sobek

“Margo is totally about to crush her tiny cellphone using just her fist in panel three. I bet Margo goes through phones like most people go through chewing gum. Or like Tommie goes through Kleenex and anti-depressants.” –Tats

“And if you don’t go to college, well … you remember that song ‘Fancy,’ right? Well, that’s gonna be you.” –Nate

“I prefer to read Johnny Malotte’s ‘If they like our camp’ as ‘If they enjoy our drag show’. His son wouldn’t be the first person to work his way through college by dancing for businessmen.” –Francis

“Cindy has that vile Winkerbeanian smirk that comes from years of pretending to have emotions. Her divorce from Funky must surely have been smirkingly smug.” –The Avocado Avenger

“Worst job in the Malotte compound? Cleaning the hair out of the drains. This must be done hourly and requires patience, intestinal fortitude, and a strong lower back.” –Joe Blevins

“Occam’s Razor would suggest that Ian keeps the dog hidden away in his beard. It feeds on errant crumbs and dribbled soup.” –Plus a constant

“Bless you, Dolly. Nobody can stupidly state the obvious to nobody in particular better than you.” –Jordan

“You know, Mary, someone once said, ‘Let sleeping dogs lie.’ But then again, someone else also said, ‘Wouldn’t it be great to see Mary Worth get her face ripped off by a rabid dog?'” –John C Fremont

“DT: Tess is ‘worried about, Dick in that weird house.’ What an odd, and awkward, euphemism for one’s vagina.” –PeteMoss

“I reckon the only possible arc for Mary Worth to take is a neutering story. Can’t have the pup upsetting the strip’s delicately balanced, 100% sexless ecology.” –Keg of Curd

“It’s obvious! The ‘snap’ is Sam doing the drag queen gesture of contempt. It’s called foreshadowing, people! Margo will fall for him and then he’ll reveal his secret! Or he has fallen for her because he thinks she is a man. We get to watch as he recoils in horror.” –Doodle Bean

“What a testament to Milford’s extraordinary level of social integration, that persons from all walks of life — from the Rock and Roll Carole King, to elements of the bad news white trash crew wearing unsleeved wife-beaters, to a 68-year-old school functionary paid to look at buses — all have exactly the same hairstyle!” –Joel

“I went to Montoni’s New York and all I got was this lousy T-shirt … and cancer and suicidal depression!” –smacky

“ENTER THE MARMTRIX!” –norbizness

“The Malotte family is an illustration of the ‘quantity over quality’ principle of Darwinian evolution.” –Moss_Moses

“The Persuader is one of the most frightening supervillains ever to stain a page of newsprint. He just lopped off two of his fingers with his knife and didn’t make a sound. Next: ‘Tell me what I want to hear or else I will cut off my fingers!'” –PTrig

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