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Mark Trail, 10/13/07

I am heaving (hopefully not premature) thanks up to the Gods of Comics that this lame, lame, lame-ass Mark Trail storyline is finally meandering to a halt. I have disliked it both for its numerous lapses in logic and good sense and for its failure to produce a target for Mark’s fists. For the most part, I have ignored this plot in the hopes that it would go away, but I feel compelled to point out the pink stripe arching up from Evil Developer Jr.’s temple in panel three. What appears from most angles to be a lustrous, curly head of hair is actually one of the most epic combovers in human history, a work of cosmetological engineering as impressive in its own way as the Hoover Dam. Still, for all the effort that’s gone into it, it’s only staving off the inevitable, and the son will have to follow dad’s example and switch to the Lollypop Guild ’do eventually.

Mary Worth, 10/13/07

“…I want to give you this item of great importance … that’s IN MY PANTS!”

Rex Morgan, M.D., 10/13/07

“…a .38 special revolver … IN MY PANTS!”

Jesus, every time I try to ignore the subtext in Rex Morgan, the text gets less sub. I’ll bet you’d like to learn how to shoot, Niki. Also, does anyone else think the “Y?” hat is a little flirty? This kid is totally asking for it.

Pluggers, 10/13/07

Note to self: Acquire separate business phone line post haste.

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You’ve had plenty of opportunities to read Mark Trail on this site. But you’ve probably said to yourself, “I wish I could see this comic strip stiffly acted out by amateurs! Nothing too long — only five or ten minutes, say — and perhaps in the context of a larger variety show setting.”

Well, sir or madam, if you live in the Baltimore area, or are willing to travel to same, your dreams are about to come true.

No, Mark, not even you and your flying fists can stop it! On Friday, November 9, and Saturday, November 10, some friends and I will be putting on Mark Trail Theater! Thrill as actual Mark Trail dialog and action is rendered into live performance on the stage! Marvel at the incredible resemblance between at least some of our actors and the characters that they will portray! Laugh at the deadpan irony as you try to sort out whether our performance is an homage, a parody, or something in between! One of us will be wearing a real live bear suit! DON’T MISS IT!

Mark Trail Theater will be but a single act within Glitterama!, a variety show put on by the Fluid Movement performance art group. If you live in or near Baltimore, you really ought to know about Fluid Movement by now, but if you don’t, Glitterama will be an excellent introduction. Other acts with which we will be sharing the stage include (but are not limited to) lion taming, torch song singing, gender bending, and black-lit poi swinging! (I have no idea what that last one means.) This is the third Glitterama show and the previous two were awesome — and they didn’t even have me in them, so this will clearly be all the better! The shows tend to be a bit racy; probably best not to bring the younger kids.

The performances will be at the Load of Fun Studios at the corner of Howard St. and North Ave. in Baltimore. The Friday show is a 8 p.m.; Saturday shows are at 7 p.m. and 10 p.m. Tickets are $10; you can buy online at Brown Paper Tickets or at the door (if you want to risk them being sold out, which you don’t, obviously).

More updates and reminders to you to attend this fabulous performance will be upcoming. Possibly including a picture of a guy in a bear suit.

Speaking of upcoming events, those of you who are going to Small Press Expo in Bethesda tomorrow (Saturday), don’t forget that I’m moderating a panel on comics stripping with Keith Knight, Ted Rall, Bill Griffith, and Nicholas Gurewitch at 12:30 p.m. Don’t miss it!

Finally, on a totally unrelated note: as you may or may not know, one of my freelance clients is a tech-related site named ITworld.com. They’re doing a gadget giveaway over there in which you can win a Swiss Army Knife with a USB flash drive built in. All you gotta do to enter is give them your e-mail address. Somebody’s got to win; why not one of you?

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Apartment 3-G, 10/12/07

I’ve got to say that I’ve been pretty disappointed in this week’s Apartment 3-G plot. With the set-up we were given, I was expecting to see either (a) Eric dumping Margo and laughing at her shattered hopes and dreams, (b) Margo berating Eric at great and colorful length for failing to propose to her when ordered to, or (c) angry, angry sex (and to be honest I was hoping for some combination of the three). Instead, we’ve had a lot of blah blah blah about Alan, a character I care about less than just about anyone in this strip — less than Gina, less than Blaze, even less than Tommie.

At least Margo’s face in panel two indicates that she’s also a bit put off by how this conversation is going. “Stretched too thin? But … does that mean you won’t let Mistress Margo put you on the rack tonight?”

Mary Worth, 10/12/07

I am, however, pleased that Vera’s creepy brother Von is back in the picture. Just when I thought that the creepy Flowers in the Attic-style hijinks were over! My guess is that the item of importance that Von has to explain to his sister involves their father’s will, out of which, you will recall, Vera was cruelly and chauvinistically cut. Von will reveal that Vera’s half of the family fortune will be hers, as long as they fulfill their father’s dying wish and marry each other. You can only protect yourself with that tennis racket for so long, Vera!

After watching Wilbur fondle his heartbroken daughter all last week, I’m really looking forward to the incestuous triangle of jealousy that will bear down on Drew with greater and greater force. Will he be able to fight off both millionaire Von of Pacific Cliffs and syndicated columnist “Ask Wendy”? Maybe he’ll need to call his own sister into the fight just to be on the safe side.

Gil Thorp, 10/12/07

OH MY GOD! Cully Vale killed a kid in a backyard wrestling simulation gone horribly wrong! And was tried as an adult for it! It’s ripped from the headlines … of newspapers on microfiche from 1999, which is when the incident this is referring to actually happened. Gil Thorp, always on the cutting edge. Anyway, I think the DA was right to prosecute Cully as an adult. For one thing, he appears to be about 27 years old. And just look at that glassy-eyed dopey smile — clearly that’s the face of a premeditated murderer. You’ve brought shame to the state of Oregon, Vale! You don’t deserve to squat awkwardly behind its flag!

By the way, the kid in the real-life backyard-wrestling murder/manslaughter/what have you case ended up getting paroled, only to be arrested later for armed robbery. I hope very much that a similar incident is integrated into the story of “Cully Vale, gentle giant”.

Herb and Jamaal, 10/12/07

“I can’t believe all of the issues in the church today” now officially joins “Wow, check out the latest on the hotel socialite! The stuff they say about her really makes you think, doesn’t it?” on this list of Things Nobody Would Ever Say At Any Time But Which Have Been Incomprehensibly Used As The Set-Up For A Joke In Herb And Jamaal.