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Galactic Emperors sure are fun — but they leave a big mess! Your contribution will help us tidy up the joint:

We now return to our regularly-scheduled conquest!

Apartment 3G, Cathy, Gil Thorp, For Better or For Worse

Magmacannons… FIRE!

ATTENTION EARTHERS! YOUR GALACTIC EMPEROR FEELS YOUR PAIN! OR TO BE MORE EXACT, HE RE-DIRECTS IT AT YOUR MOST LOATHED COMIC CHARACTERS! CHENNUX MAGMACANNONS THE COMICS SO YOU DON’T HAVE TO! HAHA!

CHENNUX DECLARES ‘MISSION ACCOMPLISHED’ AND THANKS YOU FOR THE RAW SNARKONIUM PRODUCED OVER THE PAST EARTHER DAY! UNCLE LUMPY WILL TAKE OVER THE SITE UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE! GIVE HIM A FEW HOURS TO RECOVER FROM THE BRAIN REINSTALLMENT PROCEDURE AND HE’LL BE FINE! UNTIL THEN, A FEW THINGS TO PONDER…

Gil Thorp, 9/6/07

…AND CULLY VALE STOMPS OFF, SILHOUETTED BY THE LIGHT OF THE VILLAGERS’ TORCHES!

Cathy, 9/6/07

EARTHERS! EXPLAIN TO CHENNUX! IS CLEANING OUT CATHY’S ‘STORAGE ROOM’ THE SAME AS ‘CLEANING JUNE’S GARAGE’ IN REX MORGAN MD? IF SO, EVEN CHENNUX GOES, “EWWWWWW!”

END TRANSMISSION!

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Henry

Like Fred Basset, Henry is seldom funny. But it offers a sweet, simply illustrated, quiet look at mildly humorous situations among decent people who care about another: a respite.

This clip, by the way, is from Bulls Press in Norway. I suppose one benefit of writing a pantomime strip is that it’s easy to translate! Also, apparently “SLAM!” is the same in English and Norsk! Who knew? It’s fortunate for them, because onomatopoeia doesn’t always . . . .

ATTENTION EARTHERS! REMAIN AS CALM AS POSSIBLE WHILE CRINGING IN TERROR! PANICKING ONLY MAKES YOU TOUGH AND STRINGY!

GALACTIC EMPEROR CHENNUX HAS SEIZED CONTROL OF THIS WEBSITE! THE PREVIOUS CONTENT HAS BEEN MAGMACANNONED! THE EARTHER CALLED UNCLE LUMPY WAS ABOUT TO INFLICT A STRIP OF MASSIVE LAMENESS UPON YOU! YOU WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN ABLE TO PRODUCE THE WEAPONS-GRADE SNARKONIUM THAT THE EMPIRE REQUIRES! IT BECAME NECESSARY TO CONQUER YOU FOR YOUR OWN GOOD! SOMEDAY, YOU’LL THANK ME!

NOW THAT CHENNUX IS IN CONTROL, Chennux has no need to shout! Chennux will talk to earthers in a refined manner, one that suits a Galactic Emperor talking with his slaves, minions and possible breakfast! Haha!

Now, on to the snarking! Chennux apologizes for the charred edges of some comics! Like the old proverb goes, you can’t take over a planet without burning something flammable! Haha!

F Minus, 09/5/07

See? Flames are funny!

Crock, 9/5/07

Carnivorous butterflies! Surely that is worth snarking about!

Apartment 3G, 9/5/07

The one called Margo will not play nice! She will eat paste and run with scissors!

Now, get snarking! YOUR EMPEROR COMMANDS IT!

END TRANSMISSION!

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Please contribute to The Comics Curmudgeon!

Okay okay okay! Last Saturday’s post asked

where are the hot guys in today’s newspaper comics?

And you responded — in bulk! Seriously, the range of response confirms recent research that folks are more, er, refined in selecting men than men are in selecting women.

No room to list them all (and “Original Brawny Towel Man” is not a comic-strip character, dammit!), but here’s a tasty sample:

Judge Parker 10/20/2006

Judge Parker, 8/5/07

Hunky dimwit Sam Driver is curiously immune to the thrusty charms of women, including his wife.

Slylock Fox, 2/19/07 and 9/3/07

¿Quién es más macho? Buford Bull o Slylock Fox? Oh — I think we know!

Li’l Abner

Several people expressed a hankerin’ for uncomplicated beefcake “L’il” Abner Yokum, wisely favoring him over jailbait brother Tiny.

9 Chickweed Lane, 8/3/07

Everybody’s front-runner, Seth. Generous, confident, and chinly — all qualities thin on the ground in 9CL. Oh, did I mention pauciloquent? See, Brooke? I own a thesaurus, too!

Traditional “male” stereotypes — Mark Trail, Dick Tracy, even o’l stripey Phantom — received a resounding “meh” from our faithful readership. Surprise contenders included Rob Wilco from Get Fuzzy, the Grampa from One Big Happy, and Ted Forth. One person suggested that Margo was more of a man than anyone in the comics. I think the person who suggested Leroy Lockhorn was joking.

And here’s a dark horse, from the very darkest of stables:

Funky Winkerbean, 6/9/07

Comic John* went to the prom with Chien, had a good time, and probably earned himself a slot in author Tom Batiuk’s scheduled (and most likely written and illustrated) Great Leap Forward. And in the words of faithful reader Three or Four, “Seriously. Whoever gives him a charity lay is gonna get the surprise of her life.”

mmmmmmm. . . . Original Brawny Towel Man. They really sold out with that second guy.

— Uncle Lumpy

* Observant reader Al notes below that this is not, in fact, Comic John, but Mopey Pete. Please make the appropriate substitutions.

This just in!

For the ladies: Thanks to the diligent Intertube research of faithful reader Godzooky, we have this rare image of our Man of Mystery, his Black Orchid, and the Love of his Life. Go nuts!

Brenda Starr, Reporter, 1963