Post Content

Hey kids! Here’s your comment of the week!

“That horrified look is the result of Mary doing the math. ‘If Dawn were to marry Dr. Cory the Younger … and I were to someday marry Dr. Cory the Elder … then I’d be a step in-law of — Wilbur Weston?!? Unacceptable! Unacceptable!!'” –rich

And a bevy of hilarious almost-made-its:

“The Holy Shine of Drew and Dawn is nothing new. Dawn’s been experiencing that for the past week and a half. I just hope this doesn’t cue some kind of crazy virgin birth. Laugh if you will, but it makes more sense in a Mary Worth comic than, you know, actual sex.” –Aredvark

“That’s it. This is the storyline that will make me finally say it out loud: I love Gil Thorp. I don’t even know where the irony ends and the genuine excitement at the prospect of Kaz hunting down Gail Martin’s stalker begins anymore. This place has broken me.” –SecretMargo

“Wow, that’s a lot of exposition in panels two and three! But if you read through it all, you’re rewarded with a hilarious punchline delivered by a man who’s dead inside.” –Plus a constant

“Saying ‘May I confide in you?’ to Mary Worth is like asking Tommy Chong if he wants a hit off your bong.” –Francis

“But seriously, who wears that kind of shirt? I’ll tell you who: older women who never developed good taste in clothing and just quit trying, or 10-year-olds with cruel, heartless mothers who are actively trying to snuff out the smallest glimmer of self-esteem in their poor offspring. You know who doesn’t wear that kind of shirt? Pretty college girls dating older doctors, that’s who.” –Burning Prairie

“Bit of advice to sonny: ensure her papers are in order, and enjoy the rest of the time you have with her. Oh, yeah, you can’t because you hate her. OK, make her last days on earth a living hell! I’ll keep reading.” –Big Sims

“It’s Dr. Cory the Younger! You know the one — he’s in practice with Dr. Pliny the Elder and Dr. Smokey the Bear!” –Dono

“It all makes sense now: Archie’s surprisingly strong-looking upper body … and the fact that the kid, who is missing several front teeth and whom Archie openly verbally abuses, is working on a sand model of a shopping center. Clearly, Archie is running a architecture sweatshop, and any kid who doesn’t design a new mall fast enough will face the A-man’s fists of fury.” –BigTed

“I can’t wait till the culprit is found and the Kazmanian Devil unleashes cans upon cans of whoopass in a maelstrom of leathery fists and pearl earrings.” –Squawk

“Today my favorite Thing I Love to Hate About Gil Thorp (the latest in a seemingly endless series) is how the creators give full names to all of their characters, even the most peripheral and unlikely to reappear. (Especially the most peripheral and unlikely to reappear.) It’s like they think giving them last names will make up for how they’re so poorly drawn we can’t tell them apart, and so lacking in appeal that we wouldn’t bother anyway. I know it’s also, often, a way for the writer to shout-out to his homies, and I can’t decide whether I think that’s cute or obnoxious. Aw, hell, this is Gil Thorp — it’s both!” –Mollie

“‘I was just delivering my birds to one of my customers,’ and tying up any witnesses at gunpoint is just standard business practice. Is there any atrocity that this guy in the overalls could commit that would take the focus off the birds, at least for a few seconds?” –Zobes

“Er, no offense Mr. Trail, but I’m guessing this fellow’s worst nightmare is probably Hillary Clinton, or some scenario involving utensils and/or the word ‘shizzle.'” –SmartPeopleOnIce

“Ah, so in panel one, Buzzard has put back his overalls, and is wiping his mouth. Note to self: never become Mark’s prisoner.” –VALIS

It’s also time to hand out some advertiser lovin’:

• Shop indie, pass it on!: Shana Logic loves Joshreads fans because they are independent, rockin’, super nice art lovers! That’s why they know you’re love Shana Logic’s hip & hot jewelry, killer ties for men, home decor & iPod gear, unusual plushes, and more!
• Political humor tees & gear: Bush, Hillary, Obama, and more! Get $5 off now!
• Featherbrain! Caption Contest: Think you can write a funny caption? Go up against other Internet funny types!
• Learn to draw the human figure: Acclaimed anatomy training course! Used by leading entertainment studios worldwide in 60 countries — the likes of LucasFilm, ILM, RedStorm, Midway, Blizzard. Learn to draw the human figure from your mind for illustration, comic books, manga, anime, game design, and all art fields.

To find out more about advertising on this site, click here.

Post Content

Judge Parker, 8/5/07

Wha … buh … WHO IS THAT DISTINGUISHED-LOOKING OLDER GENTLEMAN LURKING BENEATH THE STRIP’S LOGO? Why, that’s Judge Parker, natch, just like the label says! Hizzoner has appeared in this strip exactly twice in the three years or so that I’ve been reading it, but I like the way he’s staked out his position in panel one here so that he can still claim proprietorship. “I may not jet off to find lost treasures in Mexico, or to tussle with punks in Paris, or get involved in high-stakes real estate deals in the Napa Valley — but I’m still Judge Parker, damn it! Without me the rest of you losers are nothing, do you hear me? Nothing!” Presumably he’ll remain in the first panel of the Sunday strips, glowering manfully, until his totally-not-gay son Randy cruises to an easy election win and becomes a judge himself. Then Judge Parker the Senior, no longer needed for his one current duty of justifying the name of the strip, can drop dead post-haste.

In the ostensible “action” of today’s strip, Sam and Trudi are doing a little dance around the patio or balcony or wherever the hell it is they are. Sam’s presumably ducking and weaving because he’s afraid of losing an eye to one of Trudi’s pointy, bullet-like breasts. Still, leaping up on the railing and striking a pose out of the Cosmo’s sexiest male comic characters feature may have been a little much.

Spider-Man, 8/5/07

Speaking of breasts, I wish — oh, how I wish — I had time to hunt through the Spider-Man archives to prove this, but I’m pretty sure that Mary Jane’s “Oh, I’m so tired, I think I’ll stand up and stretch in a way that is advantageous to the display of my unusually large chest” in panel five is a fairly regular occurrence in this feature. Today’s is more blatant than most because she’s wearing the skin-tight pink fuzzy belly sweater that’s all the rage with the movie stars this season.

Meanwhile, in the final panel we’re introduced to the Shocker, who, based on what generally goes on in this strip, I must assume is an eccentrically dressed network programming executive who plans on picking up a number of shows that will annoy Spider-Man now that he’s turned the TV off.

Curtis, 8/5/07

For those who believe in a more or less literal interpretation of the Genesis creation story, the question of whether Adam and Eve had navels — and, for that matter, whether the trees in the Garden of Eden had growth rings, or whether anything that was created by God in the beginning carried evidence of age — has been a subject of theological discussion since at least the time of Saint Augustine. There’s actually an Answers in Genesis pamphlet on the subject, and the philosophical issues arising from the question gave rise to the so-called omphalos hypothesis. Thus, Rev. Caldwell ought not to have been reduced to weeping, sputtering incoherence by Curtis’s question, like a computer in the original Star Trek series presented with some elementary paradox. One can only assume that Caldwell had a sudden panic attack because his claimed divinity degree is a fraud that he purchased online for $10, and that he’s afraid that his theologically curious congregation, led by young Mr. Wilkins, will soon discover that he’s been skimming off the collection plate for years and plans to decamp to the Cayman Islands very soon.

Speaking of theological conundra, I’m a little disturbed that Barry is both so convinced that Curtis will be condemned to an eternity of torture in hell and that he’s so smug about it. On the other hand, Curtis does wear that damn hat with his church clothes, which can’t be pleasing to the Almighty.

Mark Trail, 8/5/07

Jesus, the final panel of this strip — aka Salvador Dali’s “The Persistence of Bloodhounds” — is going to haunt my dreams for weeks. Mark is all very upbeat about bloodhounds not mauling your children to death despite the breed having the word “blood” in its name, but you notice he doesn’t say anything about the emotional scars of seeing melting dogface every morning when they wake up.

Post Content

They’ll Do It Every Time, 8/4/07

It’s become increasingly clear that the “they” in They’ll Do It Every Time are Comics Curmudgeon readers, and what they’ll “do” is submit their own entries to this venerable feature and have them illustrated. “Paul Black” may not ring a bell, but he’s married to our very own faithful reader Trotzenbonnie, who apparently can’t be pleased when it comes to precipitation. The drawing doesn’t look too much like her, but at least she got a costume change in there. What she and her husband do with urges and hoses is none of our business, really.

In other reader news, faithful reader rainbyrd sent in this pic of her daughter, faithful reader huntingbyrd, in her Margo!Boxcar!Saturn! shirt, coming as close to kissing a blog as the laws of physics allow. I am touched that I can corrupt the young and old alike.