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Baldo, 6/21/06

Hey, Baldo, not everybody who objects to improper use of quotation marks is a humorless pedant, OK? We know how to have a good time! We know how to cut loose! We do that by dressing up as characters from a soap opera comic strip!

I wouldn’t expect you to understand.

Folks, I need to say that I am totally awestruck by your response to this project. As if I wasn’t already feeling all warm and fuzzy that several thousand people a day come visit to share my obsession with all things comical, I’ve apparently convinced 15 otherwise sane individuals to dress up like a character from soap opera comic strip and send me their pictures. I’m about to cry a single majestic tear myself.

In the most important sense, you are all winners. But since this is America and we’re not commie pinkos, only one of you will actually be the winner and appear on a mug. Which one of you that will be, I cannot say at this time. I will probably dedicate a lot of thought on the subject this weekend and come to my Solomonic decision on Monday, though I guarantee nothing about that schedule. Meanwhile, though, let’s all look at and appreciate the truly amazing folks who sent me their wacky pictures.

Let’s start with the pics I posted last week. First there’s AirForbes:

RetroVirus:

Bria:

Lucy Van Pelt (including a pic she sent that I didn’t run before, altered with the magic of Photoshop filters):

And Dr. Jeff Cory, the only male type with the cojones to enter:

Now, the new batch! First off is a contestant who didn’t respond to my question about what name she’d like to be known as … I’ll just call her “Contestant #1”:

Here’s JennyFromDaBuck:

Margaret, who served as the model portion of a team that also included Justin and Dji:

Miss Molly:

A couple from mon-ma-tron, the first naturalistic, the second Photoshoppified:

Rem Koolhaas:

Talia:

tanya2s (note subtle Photoshoppery):

And, last but certainly not least, here’s an entry from a dynamic duo of sisters, tracibub and jenners (it’s not clear to me which one was behind the camera and which one was in front of it):

Then there are the drawings. Dave Willis’ Margo à la Warhol is bound for glory:

Then we have this offering from the Baldwin Gallery:

Pantsman offers this exercize in mashups/copyright violation (“This will likely make a lot more sense if you’ve actually seen the Family Guy episode in which crazy Margot Kidder has dinner with the Griffins,” he says):

Finally, there’s this compelling yet terrifying drawing from CulturePulp artist Mike Russell:

Enjoy! While I figure out how the hell I’m going to pick just one. What have I gotten myself into?

Meanwhile, don’t forget the golden rule of commenting on these pictures, which is that they are your fellow community members so BE NICE. This rule can be broken down into two categories: DON’T BE MEAN and DON’T BE CREEPY! Don’t mess up my warm and fuzzy love for you all by breaking the rules, people!

UPDATE: It’s been pointed out to me, quite rightly, that we ought to have the original for comparison. Here she is, in all her glory:

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Apartment 3-G, 6/21/06

Oh, boo hoo, Lu Ann! It’s Alan’s big art opening, and he’s not paying any attention to the most important thing: you! Sob! Sob!

I guess she’s supposed to be upset because she’s caught some strumpet hanging off of her former man. But since the girl in question appears to be Alan’s twelve-year-old niece, Lu Ann either has nothing to worry about or a whole lot to worry about.

They’ll Do It Every Time, 6/21/06

Totally, 100 percent awesome things about today’s TDIET:

• Use of the “beat up jeans are more fashionable than non-beat-up jeans” joke, roughly thirty-five years after it might have been amusing to anyone, anywhere.
• Total failure to do even thirty seconds of Internet research to discover what a pair of high-priced distressed jeans might actually look like.
• Use of the phrase “Hobo gathering”.
• Use of the porn-influenced spelling “howcum” for “How come”.

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The Lockhorns, 6/20/06

So, just in case you were wondering, the Lockhorns’ marriage: still a nightmarish, soul-destroying prison from which there is no escape. As usual with this feature, once you start unpacking what’s going on, it’s hard to decide which aspect of this depressing vignette is the most heartbreaking:

• Leroy has a porn dungeon.
• The “porn” in Leroy’s porn dungeon consists of PG-13-rated pictures of girls in bikinis.
• Loretta knows all about Leroy’s porn dungeon, possibly because he’s made no attempt to hide it.
• Loretta casually points out Leroy’s porn dungeon to houseguests.
• Loretta casually points out Leroy’s porn dungeon to houseguests with that stricken yet resigned look on her face that says, “Oh, God, if I had known what was in store for me, I would have drowned myself when I was a little girl!”

Mark Trail, 6/20/06

“I’ve heard about it … that would make a good story! Say, did you know that the Chinese often poach tigers for their penises in order to make aphrodisiacs? You know, Mark, whenever I think of tiger penises, I think of you … tiger.”

I’d love to think that my invocation of notorious Trailian temptress Kelly Welly last week caused her to appear, but really, if we’re going to reach the heights achieved by the petnapping hillbilly storyline, it was pretty obvious that we needed some sex appeal, stat. Notice how courtly Mark is about pulling Kelly’s chair out for her. Of course, behind her back, he’s not so chivalrous.

Apartment 3-G, 6/20/06

I know she’s trying to think fast and all, but is this the lamest excuse for getting caught in the act in the history of getting caught in the act? What kind of poetry would that be, Lucy? Tongue poetry?

Here are my alternative suggestions for what Lucy should have said. Clip ‘n’ save ‘n’ memorize in case you’re caught in a similar bout of illicit snogging.

• “It’s not what you think, Tommie. Seth is in my tongue cancer awareness group. Did you know that the best way to detect a precancerous growth on your tongue is to have someone else touch it with his tongue?”
• “It’s not what you think, Tommie. Seth and I were just rehearsing for a play! Well, it’s actually a movie. A … porno movie. OK, we’re just going to get it on in front of a Webcam.”
• “It’s not what you think, Tommie. This is Ted! He’s on the run from the mob, so he had to have massive reconstructive surgery on his face.”
• “It’s pretty much exactly what you think, Tommie. But Ted is a loser chump and Seth here is an awesome lay.”

Meanwhile, Seth (if that is his name, which I doubt — if Lucy even knows his name, which she probably does but it wouldn’t surprise me if she didn’t) is not at all fazed by Tommie’s attempt to be all like, “Hey, buddy, your lady’s a cheatin’ ho!” Frankly, I don’t think he’s even listening to her. Look at the brutish, criminal face framed by that flattop — his eyes never leave Lucy’s face, and all that’s running through his head is “PRETTY PRETTY PRETTY SMOOCH SMOOCH HUBBA HUBBA.” Which is pretty much why Lucy likes him.

By the way, the Finger Quotin’ Margo contest is now closed. I will post all the entries tomorrow sometime, if all goes well, and announce a winner … uh … as soon as I figure out how exactly to judge all the totally excellent entries I received. Geez, what have I gotten myself into?