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Apartment 3-G, 4/2/07

In part one of Soap Opera Strips I Haven’t Been Discussing Because They Have Been Boring To Me, Apartment 3-G’s interminable Lu Ann vs. Ghost Albert Pinkham Ryder storyline has been boring to me. There’s been days and days and days of crap exactly like the above, and yet none of it has advanced the plot a single iota. I have grabbed onto a shred of hope that the final panel here represents the possibility of some kind of resolution, as the dialogue would surely point to a murder-suicide scenario if one of the interlocutors weren’t already dead.

How long in strip time has Lu Ann been holed up in her paint-huffing paradise? It seems like months, which means that Tommie and Margo should jointly win the Worst Roommates In New York, Self-Absorbed Division. Shouldn’t Margo at least be concerned that Lu Ann has secretly accompanied Eric on his business trip for sexin’ purposes or something?

The Phantom, 4/2/07

In part two of Soap Opera Strips I Haven’t Been Discussing Because They Have Been Boring To Me, The Phantom’s interminable Old Man Mozz Is A Hostage To Bank Robbers storyline has been boring to me. There’s been a lot of fleeing bank robber dude, a lot of Phantom mind games, and way, way too much of Mozz’s gnomic, infuriatingly vague pronouncement. It appears that the Ghost Who’s Good With Knots is as bored with the diminutive sage’s blather as we are, but I do think that lynching him is a bit harsh.

Pluggers, 4/2/07

You know, I am in touch with my inner plugger enough to admit that I get some lower back twinges now and again myself, and I will say that, even on my back’s worst days, if I had to choose between bending over, and, say, allowing a heavy can to fall from above my head and bounce off of not one but both of my nipples — well, let’s just say that I’ve become quite adept at bending at the knees when need be. Admittedly, I don’t have the luxuriant man-boobs this plugger is sporting, but that’s gonna bruise.

Dennis the Menace, 4/2/07

Hmm, destroying your parents’ marriage by well-timed and almost imperceptible acts of psychological guerilla warfare? There might be hope for you yet, young menace. Well played.

Mark Trail, 4/2/07

Please be Dan’s corpse. Please be Dan’s corpse. Please be Dan’s corpse.

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Hey kids! It’s time for the comment of the week!

“I think ‘comfy accommodation’ is Gerald’s nickname for his penis.” –Weasel Boy

Ha! OK, that was pretty gross, but still. And here are the runners up! Very funny!

“I also like how Mark has to stop working to think about the eyehook, but Rusty has to continue. Ha-Ha! Rusty is stuck working while Mark sits and ‘thinks!'” –fizzy logic

“Only to Mary would someone holding their hand up in the back-off position while saying they need SOLITUDE register in her mind as ‘please hold my hand.'” –Maughta

“Batiuk proves himself to be as bad at writing political comics as he is at humor. He should stick to what he does best, killing and maiming people.” –reader-who-posts

“This is really making me miss the elegant simplicity of the dognapping storyline. I don’t know who Mark can possibly punch out here. He won’t punch Cherry, and punching the hook won’t satisfy me the way his punching those dognappers provided me with satisfaction.” –King Folderol

“I was going to post to say I’m going on a hunger strike until Vera is written out of MW, but then I realized I’ve never seen Mary or any other character actually eating anything. I guess she subsides on the misery of others.” –Tats

“…and Cherry’s world-class obtuseness, demonstrated as she claws her face: ‘That’s hard to believe … he was your friend!’ And a REAL friend would have died for real! And stayed dead!” –O’Fogeyette

“Hugh Avery and Rich-Man’s-Girlfriend/Wife/Whatever appear to be the EXACT SAME PERSON. Isn’t Hugh the Rich Man’s son? That is some creepy shizzle right there, my friends.” –Kronkina

“Mary is actually correcting Vera’s sorry attempt at throwing the Charterstone gang sign. It appears to involve devil horns. Is anyone surprised?” –bintgoddess.com

“I bet Gerald will make it as far as 3rd base, but that’s only 2nd base in US currency.” –Mighty Sam

“I would also just like to point out that, looking back over the full-color strips of the past few days, April has changed her shirt and pants three times in as many hours. Anyone that cannot commit to a fashion concept isn’t ready for more hands-on activities. That’s just common sense.” –Chat Noir

“MT: … and, and — and those word balloons — now he’s just plastering them randomly like sticky notes on a refrigerator. Like a refrigerator filled with talking potatoes.” –John C Fremont

“Luann: ‘E-dress’? ‘B-friend’? I’m sorry, no T-ager talks like that. I call B-shit.” –Skullturf Q. Beavispants

“This is nearly the quintessential Mark Trail: Meticulously rendered animals and landscape, mutant humanoids, stilted dialog punctuated by exclamation points in balloons that randomly point to things that should never speak. The only things it would need to be perfect are Mark uttering ‘What th’?’ while delivering a right hook to some guy with sideburns.” –Pendragon

“Suggested new title for this strip: They’ll Do It Every Time During The Eisenhower Administration.” –Plinko Commie

“I fear you’ll regret that premature statement when Spider-Man fails miserably in his attempt to thwart the kidnapping (after all, he’s facing a limo driver) but is ultimately rescued by the newest superhero in town: Falling Brick.” –DaveyK

“Plugger youth know fractions? How disillusioning.” –Smokin’ Grassroots

“See, this is the beauty of the Spider-Man strip, summed up in a single panel: there is not one single person in that entire universe who is even marginally competent at anything they do. Drivers lose control of their cars for no reason, buildings are mostly made out of loosely-stacked bricks, superheroes spend most of their time watching TV. Quite frankly, it’s a miracle that no one there drowns while trying to eat soup.” –Trilobite

“At this point, April may be the only sympathetic character in the strip, and I can only wait eagerly for vampires to kill the rest of the Pattersons and set April off on her life-long mission of vengeance.” –vanya

“I find it almost reassuring that Mark’s rug is still hanging on the wall — my worldview would be shaken to its very core if the Trail household suddenly had remotely sane design sense.” –Kyorosuke

“April is still my favorite FOOB character next to Mr. Hoffenfluffer, the rabbit. Maybe that’s not his name, but the point is the rabbit doesn’t annoy me much.” –PeteMoss

“Normally one only sees jazz hands in a comic in two situations: 4Evah & Eva concerts or Tommie Thompson pleasuring herself with a copy of Cosmo. Seeing Warren fly through the air doing jazz hands should mean that the technique is officially over.” –Dingo

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Mary Worth, 4/1/07

Ah, a Charterstone pool party! Always a nexus of pettiness and backhanded sniping, and always an excellent opportunity for Professor Chinbeard to make an ass out of himself. Usually he achieves this goal by insulting people behind their backs or attacking those who dare to show an ounce of compassion for others, but he’s more than happy to blatantly ogle the troubled, mousy new girl in front of his wife if that’s what it takes. It’s a good thing he wore his sexiest rust-colored leisure suit and inky black shirt for the occasion!

It’s hard to know what’s going on in Vera’s head, since she’s so impossibly subdued and guarded, but I’m guessing it’s something like, “Yep, this is exactly what I was afraid this scene was going to be like.”

Mark Trail, 4/1/07

Meanwhile, Mark Trail is either very, very high, or about four years old. This is the only explanation I can offer for what we see here today. “Did you know … SUNSPOTS! They make … pretty girls in bikinis … and planes and dolphins and whales OUT OF CONTROL! And then the pelican made a big hurricane … WHOOOSH. That’s why we built this huge crystal rocket ship in Washington, D.C.! WE’RE GOING TO THE SUN TO FIGHT THE SUNSPOTS! HOORAY!”

The Phantom, 4/1/07

Hmm, it looks like “DePaul & Ryan,” who’ve been drawing the daily Phantom for a while now, have taken over the Sunday duties from Graham Nolan. It’s too bad, as I’ve been a fan of Nolan’s work in this setting, but now he’ll have more energy to lavish on June Morgan’s breasts (he’s the RMMD artist too). Anyway, today’s new adventure belies the notion that Bangalla is a happy, healthy post-colonial democracy. People walking with a suitcase at night, in the same neighborhood as the presidential palace? They must be … suspects! Some quality time down at the police station with a rubber hose will loosen their tongues and establish exactly why we should be suspicious of them!

Also today, a couple of throwaway panels of note:

Panel from For Better Or For Worse, 4/1/07

If you looked at this in your paper today and recoiled in horror but then consoled yourself by saying, “Well, at least nobody recorded this and then uploaded the MP3 to the official FBOFW site,” then I’m about to shatter your world of complacency into countless shards of anguish (note: don’t click this link unless you want to explain to anyone within earshot why you’re listening to FBOFW-themed “rock” music).

Panels from Dennis the Menace, 4/1/07

It may not be menacing as such, but it’s at least a little disturbing to see Joey and Dennis contemplate the tempting target that is Mr. Wilson’s enormous ass.