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Six Chix, 11/24/22

If I know my commentors, if I did a post that was just like “what the fuck is this comic about,” a critical mass of you would say “Josh, the ‘pope’s nose’ is the fleshy bit on the butt of a turkey that the tail-feathers grow out of [Google Image Search; TRIGGER WARNING: photos of fleshy turkey bits], everyone normal knows this and the fact that you don’t proves you’re a coast elitist and/or an idiot.” Nevertheless I feel confident that there is a silent majority of you who will welcome this information, and in fact many of you are grateful for the reassurance that you did not have a stroke while reading this strip.

Gasoline Alley, 11/24/22

I guess we all assumed that Walt would finally, blessedly die as a result of falling off the back of a garbage truck, but I guess in fact he’s going to be murdered by an enormous and very angry turkey who he has unwisely provoked. Whatever works, I say!

Funky Winkerbean, 11/24/22

Oh, OK, it turns out the janitor was sent back in time from the future, presumably to prevent some awful turn of events and keep history on the right path. Considering how much suffering the characters in his orbit have endured, imagine what sort of global cataclysm his actions are holding at bay! Anyway, this is a good explanation of why the Funkyverse timeline has gotten so messed up.

Rhymes With Orange, 11/24/22

So it turns out that turkeys have their own internal system of carceral justice, complete with state-enacted executions, but then all of them can also be killed and eaten by humans at any time, and that’s totally separate from their legal system or moral code. Grim stuff! Enjoy your Thanksgiving dinner, everybody!

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Funky Winkerbean, 11/23/22

Oh my God, Mr. Davidson the janitor is some kind of near-immortal being, charged with subtly guiding the world under his care, just like the characters in the MCU movie Eternals (maybe? like all normal people, I did not see that movie or read the comics it was based on). Anyway, it turns out that despite his apparent old age, in the context of his own kind he’s just a beginner, which explains why the Funkyverse is so deeply fucked up.

Dick Tracy, 11/23/22

I guess the glory days of Dick Tracy really are behind us: instead of having his skull exploded by powerful magnets, Steelface just got mildly burned and then left the hospital in a huff over the substandard medical care they provided, and instead of being shot in the back for “resisting arrest” by Dick and his goons, he’s just going to learn through irony that stealing cars isn’t very nice, and so he’ll wind his stolen car ring up post-haste and move on to more socially productive pursuits.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 11/23/22

Oh wow, look at how mad Truck is! He’s beginning to suspect that Mud Mountain’s whole binge eating/onstage pants-shitting bit was just a ruse that successfully promoted him from opening act to headliner! This is why you never found stardom, Truck: you have to be willing to endure any humiliation, public or private, if it advances your career. You never had what it takes and you never will.

Pluggers, 11/23/22

A fun fact is that on more than one occasion I’ve started to take a shower and realized I still had my hearing aids on, which is a much more terrifying situation vis-a-vis replacement costs than the one in which this plugger finds himself. But it turns out they’re pretty hardy gadgets and they came through OK! Anyway, I have out-pluggered a Pluggers and now I need to go take a long shower (without my glasses or hearing aids on) to cry.

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Family Circus, 11/22/22

Back in 1996, Ma Keane got a kicky new hairstyle and it was such a big deal that it was the subject of feature stories in major newspapers. But in these fallen days, when comics are a neglected medium, there’s exactly zero buzz about Big Daddy Keane finally bleaching his hair platinum blond like he’s always wanted to. I think he looks great!

Funky Winkerbean, 11/22/22

Oh, god, it looks like we’re finally going to find out that the janitor has been putting cancer into the water all these years. IT WAS THE JANITOR! IT WAS THE JANITOR ALL ALONG! I mean, wouldn’t you try to kill off these freaks if you had the chance?

Beetle Bailey, 11/22/22

Anyone else briefly think Zero had frozen to death and get kinda sad while reading panel one? This is a hell of a way to find out that I care whether a Beetle Bailey character lives or dies!