Post Content

Beetle Bailey, 4/13/05

At long last, the Pentagon has decided to deploy the brave men and women of Camp Swampy into the field to wage the global war on terror. In an attempt to flush out evil-doers and bring the light of freedom everywhere, they’ve apparently been sent to invade the 1970s.

Editor’s note: There was a further joke here about that famous picture of the Vietnamese girl whose clothes were burned off by napalm, but it was deemed to be of such poor taste as to be inappropriate even for this questionable feature.

Post Content

Apartment 3-G, 4/11/05

Cruel commentators! Since I see all and know all, it has not escaped my attention that you are ragging on poor Lu Ann about her “stuck in an elevator” excuse. But surely you all are plugged into the news enough to have heard about the Chinese food delivery guy who was stuck in a Bronx elevator for three days? New York City may boast of its world-renown public library, but it only whispers of its deepest shame: its treacherous, innocent-passenger-entrapping elevators, just waiting to devour naïfs from out of town, like the Happy Dragon’s Ming Kung Chen or our own tow-headed Lamaze coach.

Personally speaking, I think that Lu Ann was detained not by mechanical caprice but by the god of Narrative Convenience. Though the question will no doubt be resolved by the time most of you read this, I predict that Lu Ann will arrive at Delivery Room 1 to find one or more of the following:

1. Chuck, holding Mim’s hand, as the underage lovebirds coo Anna-and-Brian style about being a “real family”
2. Chuck’s sister, with a good-sized sack for baby-snatching convenience
3. Mim’s mom, with a bible and a gun
4. Margo, desperately looking around for something to vomit into

Post Content

Mark Trail, 4/10/05

Did you know that “Mark Trail” is actually an Estonian word? It’s derived from “Mark,” meaning “smug,” and “Trail,” meaning “tsunami-surviving bastard.” Yes, after four meticulous months of research and the painstaking artistic rendering of piles of smashed old-timey trucks and devastated ’50s-era mill towns, Mark Trail has unleashed its Very Special Tsunami Episode. I love how Mark stands idly by in the first few panels as death and destruction runs rampant mere feet away. I also like the fact that all of his advice ends with “run to high ground.” Weird-looking cloud on the horizon? Run to high ground! No lifeguards at the beach? Run to high ground! Goateed Indian artifacts dealers skulking about? For God’s sake, run to high ground!

Also, good advice on waiting for the all clear on NOAA weather radio. Unless you’re one of the ignorant few who doesn’t know what station NOAA weather radio is on. Or, God forbid, you live in some filthy third-world hellhole that doesn’t even have an NOAA. In which case, screw you, tsunami-bait.