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Hey everybody! I’m off on a little vacation for the next week and change, but have no fear: your favorite Uncle Lumpy will be here to keep you up to date on Wilbur’s latest cat piss follies and tuck you in at night. See ya after Labor Day, but until then, here is your comment of the week, which will remain at the top of the leaderboard until I return because Uncle Lumpy is too kind to play favorites!

“I love the naivete of ‘I didn’t know that they even made shirts with that word on them.’ Michelle, t-shirt technology has progressed to the point where any word can be emblazoned on a shirt and therefore broadcast to the world. Isn’t that remarkable? What times we live in, huh?” –Joe Blevins

And your hilarious runners up!

Art houses. Ha. This baby is going straight to video. Literal video. It’s going to VHS tape. Beta, too. Not DVD, not Netflix, just tape. Dust off your VCR, if you even still have one. Be kind and rewind, suckers.” –made of wince

“‘Not to be a buzzkill or anything’ is such a bizarre phrase to read in Funky Winkerbean. It goes against the whole spirit of the enterprise. It would be like a Lockhorns panel where someone says, ‘I love you so much.’” –Vice President John Adams

“Based on Michelle’s reactions — and given that this is Rex Morgan we’re talking about — I’d guess that the ‘legal?’ cousin is putting a flyer in someone’s ‘USPS’-approved mailbox. The second cousin is wearing a T-shirt printed with ‘portzebie.’ The last cousin, of course, is a member of A Flock of Seagulls.” –Bill’s Tummy Brain

“The key to getting Greg, a character wholly defined by disdain for social media and hip hop, to accept social media and hip hop, is one panel of flattery. Tell him he’s handsome, he will betray literally everything he’s ever believed in for two panels of fleeting joy before the self-deprecating hatred of his own appearance kicks back in. Friggin’ bleak, Curtis.” –Dan

“It’s funny because usually ‘leave the past in the past’ refers to trauma, not friendships. Of course this is the Rexverse, where all emotions are just one same annoyance.” –pugfuggly

“The writers of Rex Morgan, M.D., are trying their hardest to make us like Buck. But I’m not sure ‘At least he is not as much of a loser as Jordan’ is the right route.” –Ettorre

“I see the editor/owner’s point. Heather would probably expect to be paid, whereas someone who’s already put in two years in the newsroom has been disabused of that notion.” –But What Do I Know?

“Well, you can have this floor lamp, since we obviously have no place to plug it in.” –Pozzo

“I like Libby. She says what we’re all thinking.” –Truckosaurus

“I don’t know what’s more implausible. That someone covering high school athletics for a local newspaper is an institution, much less an institution in 2021, or that you can achieve institution status while being perhaps, on the outside, 30 year old. I mean look at that chin, you could bounce quarters off that thing.” –Jerp+Jump

“Telling Les that you can’t imagine what he’s thinking right now: classic masochistic move.” –Weaselboy

“Wilbur’s just mad because he already peed on that spot to mark it as his favorite. He has to meet Libby’s challenge for dominance head on, but frankly I don’t think he has the will or the intelligence to win this.” –Evelyn Waughluigi, on Twitter

“Remarkable restraint by the writers of a comic about an elderly woman to hold out 83 years before doing a story involving cat urine.” –Donny Ferguson, on Twitter

“It’s hard to get attention on the internet these days, but I think ‘Man’s mouth literally catches fire’ would go viral without needing a clickbait title.” –Schroduck

“The view of Dagwood eating chili in the video is the same as when the lunch counter appears as a location in other strips, which brings up a disturbing question: is Blondie found-footage?” –Blaueziege

“Okay, sure, Diet Smith could rule time and space like a tyrannical god and this could be Dick’s — indeed, humanity’s — only chance to stop him. On the other hand, maybe there’s someone with a weak chin and a weaker handshake committing a minor felony somewhere else! To the Dickmobile!” –jroggs

“How appropriate that Les and his latest victim are discussing cancer in Stage Five, a stage of cancer so virulent that it’s not even recognized by science. Stage Five, when all is cancer, when you are cancer, I am cancer, the world is cancer, the Moon is in Cancer.” –Voshkod

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Funky Winkerbean, 8/27/21

Oh wow, oh wow, not only did the actress playing Lisa have breast cancer, just like Lisa, but in a very real and meaningful way, Les Moore and Lisa’s Story saved her life, from cancer. I actually was on the fence yesterday about whether my joke about Les orgasming was in excessively poor taste, even for me, but now I have zero compunctions about saying that the world’s top scientists will be spending years studying how an anhedonic middle-aged man managed to jizz in his pants multiple times over the course of mere seconds.

Dick Tracy, 8/27/21

I was going to complain about this, but you know what? It’s fine, actually. The list of terrible things an amoral scientist who works hand in glove with America’s least restrained police force could be using chrono-viewing technology for is frankly terrifying, so I think the fact that his very first thought seems to be that his time drone can serve as a glorified metal detector is a good sign, all things considered.

Marvin, 8/27/21

Oh, are you tired of all the pissing and shitting in the syndicated comic strip Marvin? Well, has it occurred to you that if the characters weren’t pissing and shitting, they’d probably be trying to do murders? Really makes you think, doesn’t it?

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Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 8/26/21

I’m a big believer that most comic-strip level gags should include exactly the amount of information they need to make the joke work and no more, which is why it drives me up the wall that this strip includes the name of Loweezy’s sister. It would be bad enough that she just named her sister (whom we’ve never see in the strip) for no reason, since it creates the nagging suspicion that this sister, as opposed to some other sister, is important to make the punchline work for some reason. But then they go and name her “Zoney!” “Loweezy” is the post-apocalyptic Hootin’ Holler newspeak for “Louisa,” but what the hell is “Zoney” derived from? Arizona? Does the vague memory of distant Arizona live on in Holler-adjacent onomastics? Gah, the fact that they added this name to her word balloon means that we ended up with two exclamation points alone on their own line! GAH!!!

Blondie, 8/26/21

One has to wonder who the “I” in Dagwood’s proposed social media clickbait headline is intended to be. It’s clearly not Dagwood, who is the star of the video. In fact, one wonders who’s filming this obviously staged scene in the first place, and what sad benefits Dagwood promised them for helping launch him to TikTok stardom.

Funky Winkerbean, 8/26/21

Oh, wow, sorry I said yesterday that this Funky Winkerbean development was going to be about sex, when in fact it’s about the most obvious plot twist anyone could imagine. Don’t worry, thought: Les still had an orgasm.

Mary Worth, 8/26/21

WILBUR’S IN A PISS FIGHT WITH A CAT, EVERYONE

A PISS FIGHT

IT’S CHRISTMAS IN AUGUST