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Funky Winkerbean, 8/29/21

Oh, poor Les is leaving Hollywood—a place he slags relentlessly, creeps out, ham-handedly bilks, and now pretends to relish leaving.

But apparently his self-satisfaction is tinged with regret that high-school English teachers aren’t held in the same high regard as Hollywood writers. Fortunately, good writers—and even Les—draw material from their own lives, so here’s the seed for Lisa’s Story IV: Les Moore is a Pompous Hypocrite.

Mark Trail, 8/29/21

After delivering a helpful lesson about birds breaking wind, Mark is himself educated by a goose. I bet it plans to “modify his habitat,” too.

Prince Valiant, 8/29/21

Long story short, Val has been drugged by a mysterious hooded sorceress on his way back to Camelot. But he convinced a couple of raven-hallucinations to alert his wife/sorceress Aleta, so mystical help is only a matter of time. While we wait, let’s all admire that shark-on-a-rope guarding the throne.

— Uncle Lumpy

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Funky Winkerbean, 8/28/21

“Wait, you don’t have cancer? And here I thought you were coming on to me, you little tease!”

Judge Parker, 8/28/21

A Christmas Reunion

April watched her sigh dissolve in the icy air. The blur of life on the run, the breakup, all led her back here, to Cavelton. Her Dad needed her: the family business was on the rocks. Just one more job, he said, for Abby. Good money, done by Christmas, then Mallorca.

She crossed the square past the carolers, careful to stay within sightlines from the bank roof. In position on the Courthouse steps, right on time. Distract the mayor, five seconds tops, then run with the crowd.

The doors opened to reveal … Randy? But not the cringing loser she had abandoned: this man strode confidently, head high— like a Judge. Shocked and excited, she glanced up and purred, “Hey, you.” “April? Is it really you?” he replied, taking her hands just as the bullet from Norton’s rifle tore through his lung. “Bastard!” April thought, “Mallorca, my ass!”

Kneeling beside Randy on the now empty steps, she heard him whisper, “This … this is where we belong … together!” They embraced for the last time, as the Christmas music swelled and snow began to fall.

Mary Worth, 8/28/21

Where duels were illegal, duellists often settled their scores on boundary-river sandbars of uncertain jurisdiction. This is the precedent for Wilbur and Libby duking it out in the litter box.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 8/28/21

The Morgans return to their roots—getting free stuff, and deciding which free stuff they prefer to the other free stuff they get.

Oh, hi! I’m sitting in through Monday, September 6, while Josh visits friends and family back East. Reach me at uncle.lumpy@comcast.net with any site or comment issues.

Be sure to alert me if you have trouble reading this in Josh’s new ultra-convenient newsletter format—I’m new to it, and different platforms/email clients treat html differently.

— Uncle Lumpy

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Hey everybody! I’m off on a little vacation for the next week and change, but have no fear: your favorite Uncle Lumpy will be here to keep you up to date on Wilbur’s latest cat piss follies and tuck you in at night. See ya after Labor Day, but until then, here is your comment of the week, which will remain at the top of the leaderboard until I return because Uncle Lumpy is too kind to play favorites!

“I love the naivete of ‘I didn’t know that they even made shirts with that word on them.’ Michelle, t-shirt technology has progressed to the point where any word can be emblazoned on a shirt and therefore broadcast to the world. Isn’t that remarkable? What times we live in, huh?” –Joe Blevins

And your hilarious runners up!

“Art houses. Ha. This baby is going straight to video. Literal video. It’s going to VHS tape. Beta, too. Not DVD, not Netflix, just tape. Dust off your VCR, if you even still have one. Be kind and rewind, suckers.” –made of wince

“‘Not to be a buzzkill or anything’ is such a bizarre phrase to read in Funky Winkerbean. It goes against the whole spirit of the enterprise. It would be like a Lockhorns panel where someone says, ‘I love you so much.’” –Vice President John Adams

“Based on Michelle’s reactions — and given that this is Rex Morgan we’re talking about — I’d guess that the ‘legal?’ cousin is putting a flyer in someone’s ‘USPS’-approved mailbox. The second cousin is wearing a T-shirt printed with ‘portzebie.’ The last cousin, of course, is a member of A Flock of Seagulls.” –Bill’s Tummy Brain

“The key to getting Greg, a character wholly defined by disdain for social media and hip hop, to accept social media and hip hop, is one panel of flattery. Tell him he’s handsome, he will betray literally everything he’s ever believed in for two panels of fleeting joy before the self-deprecating hatred of his own appearance kicks back in. Friggin’ bleak, Curtis.” –Dan

“It’s funny because usually ‘leave the past in the past’ refers to trauma, not friendships. Of course this is the Rexverse, where all emotions are just one same annoyance.” –pugfuggly

“The writers of Rex Morgan, M.D., are trying their hardest to make us like Buck. But I’m not sure ‘At least he is not as much of a loser as Jordan’ is the right route.” –Ettorre

“I see the editor/owner’s point. Heather would probably expect to be paid, whereas someone who’s already put in two years in the newsroom has been disabused of that notion.” –But What Do I Know?

“Well, you can have this floor lamp, since we obviously have no place to plug it in.” –Pozzo

“I like Libby. She says what we’re all thinking.” –Truckosaurus

“I don’t know what’s more implausible. That someone covering high school athletics for a local newspaper is an institution, much less an institution in 2021, or that you can achieve institution status while being perhaps, on the outside, 30 year old. I mean look at that chin, you could bounce quarters off that thing.” –Jerp+Jump

“Telling Les that you can’t imagine what he’s thinking right now: classic masochistic move.” –Weaselboy

“Wilbur’s just mad because he already peed on that spot to mark it as his favorite. He has to meet Libby’s challenge for dominance head on, but frankly I don’t think he has the will or the intelligence to win this.” –Evelyn Waughluigi, on Twitter

“Remarkable restraint by the writers of a comic about an elderly woman to hold out 83 years before doing a story involving cat urine.” –Donny Ferguson, on Twitter

“It’s hard to get attention on the internet these days, but I think ‘Man’s mouth literally catches fire’ would go viral without needing a clickbait title.” –Schroduck

“The view of Dagwood eating chili in the video is the same as when the lunch counter appears as a location in other strips, which brings up a disturbing question: is Blondie found-footage?” –Blaueziege

“Okay, sure, Diet Smith could rule time and space like a tyrannical god and this could be Dick’s — indeed, humanity’s — only chance to stop him. On the other hand, maybe there’s someone with a weak chin and a weaker handshake committing a minor felony somewhere else! To the Dickmobile!” –jroggs

“How appropriate that Les and his latest victim are discussing cancer in Stage Five, a stage of cancer so virulent that it’s not even recognized by science. Stage Five, when all is cancer, when you are cancer, I am cancer, the world is cancer, the Moon is in Cancer.” –Voshkod

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