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Mary Worth, 4/19/22

Oh ho ho, our man Ian has finally found out what’s troubling his young-ish bride and isn’t going to fly into one of his trademark rages at all! No, he’s had enough red wine to be positively mellow about this whole Cal situation, though it’s not entirely clear what kind of mellow he is: the kind where he’s ruefully amused by the hilarious predicament his dim wife has gotten herself into, or the kind where he’s hoping that his wife and her new boyfriend will be open to letting him discreetly watch.

Dick Tracy, 4/19/22

The current Dick Tracy storyline involves a guy named “Matt” who is pretending to be a dead Dick Tracy villain named Tonsils, and also dating the real Tonsils’s former girlfriend, who knows he’s not the real Tonsils but is still into it? It’s not as sick as a guy getting eaten by rats, but, real talk: it’s not not sick, either. Anyway, Dick is trying to tell Matt about how Tonsils came to a bad end and he needs to stay on the straight and narrow, but I’m sorry, are you painting a word-picture of a guy waving a bottle of GASO[LINE?] around while terrified people shove money at him and you expect us to not think he’s awesome? Please.

Dustin, 4/19/22

This joke depends on the structure of the comics delivering us instantly from panel two to panel three and it works more or less fine on that level, but I’m still trying to visualize how this would play out in real life. I don’t care how fast you work, it’d take at least 30 seconds to wolf down each of these two full-sized donuts, and I’d like to imagine Dustin’s dad’s discomfited coworker staring at him silently the whole time, waiting for him to blurt out this punchline along with a shower of crumbs.

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 4/18/22

We talk a lot about Rex’s permanent state of misanthropy, but we don’t really talk about the damage his refusal to engage with his fellow human beings more than absolutely necessary does to his psyche. For instance, can you imagine seeing some truly surprising item on the evening news and the only person you can think of to reach out to about it is Buck? Who you know is going to go deep into comic book bullshit about it? Truly harrowing.

Crankshaft, 4/18/22

Wow, when Crankshaft’s marijuana grow operation causes a massive fire, I bet all those firefighters who have to come out for his grill explosions twelve times a summer are going to be thrilled to see him arrested.

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Funky Winkerbean, 4/17/22

If you went back from the Funkypresent to the Funkypast with a medically minded mission, you would probably tell young Lisa to get frequent breast cancer screenings and also to make sure all her providers triple-check the paperwork on her tests, because you’re a damn sentimentalist. Me? I’d be doing some research on what happened to all the Funkyverse’s kids’ skulls during their young adulthood. Seriously, look at teen Lisa! She has no chin to speak of! Young adult Lisa? A small but distinctly pointy little chin! Maybe she got one of those chin implants in the ’80s that turned out to be carcinogenic?

Shoe, 4/17/22

Just a reminder that while the bird-world of Shoe may be similar to ours in matters of religion, its employment landscape is very different. For instance, in this universe, the government as an entire agency dedicated to creating terrible puns that annoy everyone, funded by bird tax dollars! Honestly, this is the world I want to live in, I don’t care if I have to walk carefully along tree limbs to get anywhere, just get me one of those sweet, sweet punemployment jobs with a good punsion.