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Curtis, 12/24/21

The most recent Curtis storyline has invovled our hero chaperoning Michelle to and from the dentist in her family limo because she’s neglected by her parents, and helping her home after she was extremely doped up on novacaine. This has taught him the true meaning of Christmas … and is maybe setting up the wildest Kwanzaa story yet? Only time will tell! Sadly, though, you will have to spend that time without me mocking the comics, because I am off on my end of year holiday journey and will be back January … 3rd? Ish? Stay tuned!

Oh, hey, also, remember last week when I promised you my return to live comedy, in Los Angeles? Well, our theater is taking a little Omicron Pause over late Dec/early January, so that’s postponed! Probably till February 4th! Stay tuned for more developments!

Finally, I will leave you with one last comment of the week for 2021:

“No need to spike the punch. But that didn’t stop me from spiking it anyway. Why am I like this, Hi? I was saving that booze for breakfast, and now I’m just gonna have to buy more.” –made of wince

These runners up were also very funny!

“A lot of you have been curious who Cynthia Ivy is. Well, guess what? You’re wrong to be curious! In fact, if you didn’t already know, her local news team has already revealed this information! Instead of being a grown adult like me, she’s actually a little girl! Just check out Glenwood’s obscure small-town news website and you can find out her name, her address, the school she goes to, what she looks like, who her friends are — everything! But you shouldn’t do that, because that’s bad! So please, do not seek out this fully available information now that I’ve confirmed it definitely exists and told you where you can easily find it!” –jroggs

“Leroy, you dummy! The line to see Santa is only three deep, man! This is your big chance! You have a bunch of things you could ask him for — like, maybe being put in a 50-year coma. Wouldn’t that be sweet?” –Joe Blevins

“Cassandra Cat used to dress like a temptress but now dresses like a lumberjack, probably to avoid accusations of sexism. Jokes on you, authors! You stop appealing to someone’s fetish just to end up pleasing someone else’s fetish! It’s Sisyphus pushing Rule 34 up a hill forever!” –Ettorre

“The line ‘We need to get diapers‘ not ‘I need to get you diapers’ heavily unnerves me.” –The Rambling Otter

“Mary Worth: When Barney Google is offpanel, he probably walks around thinking things like this about Snuffy and Loweezy.” –Anonymous

“I don’t know how broken up Dick really is. Having your admin assistant check eBay for the stolen crap isn’t really Dick trying his best, I mean hell, he hasn’t even shot anyone yet.” –jerp+jump

“Mary Worth has the luxury of walking around, freely thinking about how ugly Wilbur is, while poor Estelle has to constantly squash that thought if she’s going to get through the day and the night.” –jenna

“I heard somewhere that people are drawn to one another to learn lessons necessary for growth. [Mary is suddenly drenched in ominous shadow] You have not learned, Estelle. I am not done teaching you.” –Dan

“And that’s why I’m sittin’ here rappin’ / While my infant just never stops crappin'” –Peanut Gallery

“‘And now that I’ve put my face out there, I hope this won’t make too many problems for us.’ Hate to tell you this, my dude, but that face? Nothing but problems.” –els

“Does Does Kyle Vidpa’s wife have any expressions that don’t look like she’s being held at gunpoint?” –Violet

“Man, I would hate to see the Apparatus’ Gantt Charts. ‘Wait, wait, wait. This is all screwed up. You’ve got Recruit someone with management experience as a directly dependent task for Establish escort service, but there’s no duration calculated, and you didn’t even bother to include Corrupt with friendly package delivery service. How are you going to line that up with the Work Breakdown Sheet? Bro, do you even have a task code??? What is this, Waterfall Planning for Idiots?!’” –pastordan

“Blondie is a lot more entertaining if you imagine Alexander is just Dagwood’s younger self, terrible fashion sense and all, come to the present, and the two of them proceeded to get zooted on psychotropics while watching a Gene Autry marathon.” –Irrischana

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Blondie, 12/23/21

Not to be smug, but the idea that cowboys on long-range cattle drives would kill the cows they were being paid to transport to market and then butcher and eat them out on the trail rang extremely false to me when I read this, and after about 15 seconds of Googling I found a Medium post from “a CPA who writes about a diverse set of topics including the American West, entrerpreneurship [sic], and the legalization of cannabis” that affirms my previously held opinion, so I’m going to go ahead and declare victory on this one. I’m not even going to bother looking up research on how many fortysomething dads are watching old western films with their teenage sons in real life in the year of our lord 2021, because I’m very sure the answer is zero.

Hi and Lois, 12/23/21

I was going to make fun of this, but you know what? I absolutely buy that two grade schoolers would believe that Santa only grew his beard out five years ago. “Yeah, five years ago is the first time I remember seeing him with a beard,” they think. “This tracks.”

Dick Tracy, 12/23/21

“I managed a small accounting firm! I don’t have any background in sex work. This is a mismatch to my skills and I resent it!”

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Dennis the Menace, 12/22/21

I’m sorry, I absolutely refuse to believe that a kid who goes to church on the regular would know what a “manger” is but also think Jesus’s name was “Wayne.” The only menacing thing here is Dennis’s obvious cognitive deficits.

Hi and Lois, 12/22/21

I guess the joke here is supposed to be that because Foofram Industries didn’t have a holiday party last year, this year’s is extra lit, and horny? I have a hard time squaring Thirsty’s line about not needing to spike the punch with the little bubble and asterisk things floating around amongst the partygoers, which are generally used in the comics to denote drunkenness, though I suppose in this case they could be representing the omicron variant of the novel coronavirus.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/22/21

“They’ll find something soon enough, because — and we’re married, so I know what I’m talking about here — you’re not actually very interesting.”