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Dustin and Funky Winkerbean, 1/13/22

The general vibe of the newspaper comics industry is small-c conservative — that is, it’s mostly created by older middle-class people who, whatever their opinions on electoral politics, generally assume that society will and should remain more or less as it is today or was in their youth. Therefore, it’s a little surprising to see the comics pages go in hard today on the proposition that heterosexual monogamy is a soul-crushing prison, but here we are! I feel like I can respect both these approaches: Dustin offers a younger character’s viewpoint as she watches her parents pick at each other’s weak spots and realizes that their lifestyle choice is unsustainable, whereas Funky Winkerbean really swings for the fences and takes what could’ve been a bland depiction of a tiny bit of marital friction and elevates it by having Funky say one of those trademark Funkyverse things that are something that nobody would ever, ever say and are also apparently supposed to be a punchline.

Slylock Fox, 1/13/22

Meanwhile, today’s Slylock Six Differences is about a little boy who’s surprised to find himself sitting in a puddle of his little sibling’s piss! That’s definitely supposed to be piss, right? This would maybe be a little less graphic in the newspaper, where everything would be in black and white, and I feel for the syndicate colorist who got this file in their email, sighed heavily, and starting hunting through the Photoshop color wheel for just the right shade of yellow.

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Pluggers, 1/12/22

At long last, we get an answer to the eternal “what is a plugger?” question, and it’s this: a plugger is anyone who isn’t afflicted with total anhedonia. Have you ever experienced even the faintest glimmer of pleasure? Then I regret to inform you that you are in fact a plugger, my friend. This is good news for at least a few of you, so it’s too bad you can’t really enjoy it.

Mary Worth, 1/12/22

Speaking of enjoying things: hell yes this has been recorded by security cameras, which means everyone in Santa Royale will in fact be able to see Wilbur take a header into the ocean when the footage is inevitably leaked to YouTube. I’m imagining Ian Cameron in particular chortling manfully as he watches it over and over again. In other news, it turns out that if you want to get onto the bridge of a cruise ship and see all the cool stuff they have going on up there, all you have to do is tell the crew that “My boyfriend, he, uh, he got real mad and wandered off, yeah, that’s it, that’s the ticket.”

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Mary Worth, 1/11/22

I’ve been to Rome twice in my life, in 1999 and 2002, and by an odd coincidence both visits were at the same time as big events for the veneration of Padre Pio, an early 20th century Franciscan mystic. During his life, Pio claimed (or had claimed about him) all sorts of miraculous powers, such as the ability miraculously cure the sick and be in two places at once, and he also supposedly had spontaneously generated stigmata wounds on his hands. The church hierarchy was very uncomfortable about all this as his reputation and following grew, repeatedly forbidding him from preaching; but after his death, the church began to acknowledge his deeds, and he was beatified during my first visit to Rome and canonized during my second, which meant that both times the city was thronged with Pio’s followers. The experience really stuck with me, and made me think about how as a miracle worker he was disruptive and dangerous to the church while alive — after all, why would this simple monk have these powers, and not the bishops and cardinals who control the church? — but after his death he could be integrated into the larger church narrative about God and humanity and the church’s role in mediating between the two.

Anyway, my point is that you can already see Wilbur, so irritating to everyone while alive, beginning to follow this trajectory now that he has followed another, more literal trajectory into the ocean and his (fingers crossed!) death. Wilbur isn’t being actively obnoxious in her face at this precise moment, so Estelle is allowing herself to indulge in the fantasy that they were “in love” or whatever. Maybe by the time the search for his body is abandoned and the ship return to shore, she’ll be telling everyone she accepted his proposal so she’s really a grieving fiancee! Whatever you need to move on to your new, brighter, Wilbur-free future, we’re all here for you, Estelle.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 1/11/22

Wow, it’s really too bad Sarah decided to use “Doggy” as her new character in the Kitty Kop Extended Universe and not “FOOT.” If she had gone the latter route, her work would’ve attracted a lot more perverts, but also a lot fewer lawsuits, which on balance would probably be for the better.