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Gil Thorp, 9/19/20

Good news, everyone! The annual Milford bonfire, which began in 2007 and faithfully recurred every single year over and over and over until it abruptly stopped, only to abruptly be revived last year, is back on its annual schedule. Sure, we don’t actually see any flames today, but the important thing is that we know it’s happening, and we’re sure seeing some sparks — namely, some dude seeing childhood pal Becca Ramirez in a whole new, presumably romantic, light; and newbie Corina Karenna thinking about arranging her own bonfire for the volleyball team, probably by burning down the school.

Pluggers, 9/19/20

Pluggers are hulking, monstrous chimeras, half man and half beast, and their bestial genes result in them towering over puny full-blooded humans. Obviously they can’t fit into normal cars, and it’s honestly insulting that you would even try to sell them one.

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Folks, thank-yous on the big fundraiser are on their way if you haven’t received them yet, apologies for the delay … but there will be no further delay on the comment of the week!

“‘Blood volume?’ Just say ‘blood.’ You collected over a third of Faith’s blood. Leave it at that. The fact that you cluttered up your sentence with an unnecessary ‘volume’ bothers me more than the vampirism, frankly.” –Joe Blevins

And the very funny runners up!

“I wish I owned a business that was going out of business so I could print this panel up to hang in the window to give the passersby a final hearty chuckle as they recognize a classic Winkerbean zinger.” –Phil Gonzales, on Facebook

“In-person classes, dinner at restaurants … is Funky Winkerbean the only comic that’s not gonna recognize coronavirus? Finally it’s reasonable to have a chunk of your cast drop dead from a tragic disease, and Funky Winkerbean is like ‘you don’t tell us what to do, we kill characters on our time, in the manner of our choosing.’” –Dan

“I’m not sure why the Lockhorns have a square format photograph of Jake Tapper on their wall, but that they couldn’t be arsed to even vaguely level it is very on brand.” –Alan

“Ironically, they’re going to be replaced by an Apple store.” –Peanut Gallery

“Do you think vampires have strong feelings about using chloroform to trap victims, given it apparently contaminates their blood? I can absolutely see Whole Foods-type vampires insisting that they only drink the blood of organic free-range anesthetic-free humans.” –Schroduck

“I think that Preppie is just realizing that he is missing out on ways to monetize his looks. Wouldn’t luxury brands like Rolls Royce want to be associated with a gorgeous man like him by splashing a logo across his forehead? Just think of all the wealthy widows he beds!” –pugfuggly

“Disney lawyers are going to end the scourge of Six Chix. Maybe media consolidation is not that bad.” –Ettorre

“Now I know what feelings are like, and I hate it! Never let me get this attached to Rusty!” –TheDiva

“The albatross was shipwrecked because he killed the human, and now he is forced to wear the human around his neck as punishment.” –A Concerned Reader

“Prof. Stokes should also consult with the Theater department about his comically bad under-lighting.” –pastordan

“That machine in Dick Tracy kind of made my day. Just a pair of blood drenched fangs hanging on plastic tubing, a Gothic Steampunk robot furiously pumping away. If this strip was in a contemporary universe, Dr. Quacks here could make a killing on YouTube with his unnecessary medical inventions.” –toxic

“Never look a Murder Money Horse in the mouth. I would have gladly sorted through a dripping sack full of fingers and blood-soaked dollar bills every semester if it meant staying out from under the thumb of Fannie Mae.” –Wilktoast

“Andy’s a great … animal? Animal, right? Moves, breaths, bleeds? Minerals don’t do that. But plants do move, breath carbon dioxide, and bleed sap. Andy’s a great plant? Doesn’t sound right. Animal. I’m pretty sure Andy’s an animal. What what kind? Furry, sharp teeth, makes noise. A bat? Andy’s a great bat!” –Voshkod

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The Phantom, 9/18/20

It appears that Kadia is trying to resist her destiny as the heir to her father’s terrorist empire and the future archnemesis of future Phantomess Heloise by rejecting her mother and, more specifically, all that sweet cash that the Nomad raised via terrorism (?) and stashed in various Swiss bank accounts and/or safe houses full of euros that his wife still controls. Kadia will only accept virtuous handouts, like those from the Walkers, who get their money by occasionally selling priceless cultural artifacts hoarded over the centuries on the black market, Diana’s salary for whatever UN job she does (which there’s a 50-50 chance on any given days it’ll involve numerous compromises with various dictators and warlords), and the presumably lucrative “Unknown Commander” protection racket.

Crankshaft, 9/18/20

OK, when this was just a store going out of business it was all fun and games, but store cats out of work and with nowhere to go? I will not stand for this, it is monstrous, how dare you

Mark Trail, 9/18/20

Meanwhile, America’s #1 syndicated nature comic strip currently in (temporary?) reruns is here to make us think hard about our whole relationship with our pets. Sure, Mark is very attached to Andy, a “great animal,” but who mourns for the rabbit, about to be killed and eaten by a … fox? sure, let’s say fox. That’s just nature’s way! Really makes you think, doesn’t it? (If anything happens to Andy or Felix, there will be blood and it’ll be human blood, just saying.)