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Funky Winkerbean, 8/9/20

Oh, God, sorry to be the insufferable Los Angeles geography knower but a week ago we were told this fire was called the Point Dume fire, presumably because it had started around Point Dume in Malibu, and today we’re told it’s reached the “Hills of West Hollywood,” by which I guess they mean the hills just north of West Hollywood, there are no actual hilly neighborhoods in the city of West Hollywood proper but never mind that. Anyway, there’s really only one problem with this, which is that if a fire had spread from Malibu to West Hollywood, probably no newscaster would be standing just feet away from it because it would be a thirty-mile wall of flame that managed to jump two freeways, destroy the Getty Center and several extremely wealthy neighborhoods, and just generally be an insane catastrophe that would send literally millions of people fleeing pell-mell from the destruction!

Anyway, this post is mostly for my mom, who’s very convinced every time there’s a fire in LA that our house is on the verge of burning down. Our house isn’t gonna burn down, mom! We’re way too far from any natural vegetation for that to happen. The way LA’s gonna kill us is from the car exhaust from the massive freeway interchange half a mile away, which is not as dramatic.

Curtis, 8/9/20

You know what filled me with absolute, unalloyed delight in today’s comics? Bugsy, the fly who understands what you say! This is insane and kind of out of character for this strip and I love all of it — the big cute eyes on Bugsy, the way he he gestures with all six of his limbs, the overwrought reactions from all his victims! I’d actually argue that he doesn’t just understand when you’re talking about killing him: he also knows what you value most, which is honestly much creepier.

Gasoline Alley, 8/9/20

As far as strips in today’s comics where the characters watch a deranged commercial go, Gasoline Alley is sadly a distant second to Curtis. What exactly is the implication of the exchange in the final panel? Is Rufus planning on shitting in the cans? Is that it?

Panels from Rex Morgan, M.D., 8/9/20

Oh, finally, America’s #1 medical soap opera comic is going to actually grapple with the biggest medical crisis in the last century! Unfortunately, based on the “Lockdown Stories” title, I suspect we’ll be seeing less of Rex telling nurses from across the room to turn patients over onto their stomach and being given 10,000 doses of remdesivir without asking for or really needing them, and more Buck working from home trying to sell music and art from guys who were famous 30 years ago over the internet while his wife takes care of his newborn son and very quickly comes to loathe him.

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Mary Worth, 8/8/20

You gotta respect that, despite the fact that Toby is Mary’s only real friend, Mary maintains the upper hand in their relationship by keeping her in constant terror that Mary will reject her for some unforgivable transgression, like making subpar banana bread. Don’t hate me, Mary! Don’t cast me out into the outer darkness! Don’t leave me alone with nobody but Ian to talk to! Ian, for God’s sake! I couldn’t take it!

Dennis the Menace, 8/8/20

Starting with a healthy skepticism of the motivations behind the actions of powerful institutions but then veering into increasingly deranged paranoid conspiracy theories is a little on the nose for our current menacing moment, thank you very much!

Shoe, 8/8/20

“Because I and all the customers are birds. You know, animals, like you’d see in the zoo. Is there a special word for a bird-zoo? An avarium or something? Is that a thing? Anyway: birds.”

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Here’s your week’s top comment, everybody — enjoy!

“My favourite part of this strip is Pete’s face. See that expression? That’s Pete ‘not worrying about it’. That’s just how he lives his life, every day.” –pugfuggly

Today’s runners up are also enjoyable!

“Wikipedia tells me Point Dume was the filming location for the final scene in Planet of the Apes, a fact that leads me to hope this will end with Les kneeling outside the charred remains of the Lisa’s Story soundstage screaming ‘You bastards, you burned it up!’” –TheDiva

“I wanted to be angry at the smug look on Mindy’s dad’s face, but then I realized he lives in the Funkyverse and being one of the original Starbuck Jones Junior Spacemen of America was probably the last moment of joy and happiness he was allowed to experience so I’m going to let it slide this time.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“My house is on your way, so you can give me a ride?” –Foodar

“‘So anyway, I was on one knee…’ ‘You proposed to her before she accepted the job?’ ‘No, I had this bitchin scooter … the masses would part before me as I scooted … I was a God…’” –DevOpsDad

“I’m starting to think Dustin’s unemployability is part of some strange cosmic balance, where he can’t hold down a job because his dad is too firmly and irreversibly attached to his job. I say this because this is the first time I’ve seen someone grocery shopping in a full suit and tie.” –Mr. A

“Treasure this moment, June. It will be the last moment Rex will think of you before making a decision. Treasure it.” –Jenna

“What are those sheets of paper Loretta Lockhorn is reading, you might ask? Emails. Emails she prints out in full color on the high quality setting. Emails with subjects like ‘FW: FW: FW: Re: FW: U just cant make this Stuff up!!’” –RexDartEskimoPi, on Twitter

“Climate change killing the cast of Funky Winkerbean will likely make people think it’s less a problem than a solution. The Pulitzer Committee is unlikely to approve this message.” –Where’s Rocky

“Why two bowls? Apparently the one she is stirring is the only one she cares about enough to summon Mary. The other one is probably Ian’s dinner, which she doesn’t care about at all.” –Scratchy Scrotum LXIX

“Choosing to believe Toby has like three of these crises a week, and Mary is constantly muting her phone while advising people with moderate-to-real problems. She befriended this woman years ago just naturally assuming she’d eventually have an affair or something and need advice, and instead texts are piling up like ‘911 SOUFFLÉ FELL’ and ‘CAN’T FIND SHOES PLZ ADVISE’” –Dan

“Wait though … do pluggers know how to use horizontal and vertical hold knobs?? Because I’m just old enough to remember having those when I was a kid, and I’m pretty sure their usage did not involve bear-hugging the TV.” –ratnerstar

“Our next exhibit, that of Leroy Lockhorn, demonstrates the master’s touch, as he shatters perceptions of reality with this construction of what superficially appears to be a humble lamp table or end piece. In reality, he brings to the forefront the inability of humans to meaningfully reach out to their fellows, or to form lasting relationships that bring harmony and inner peace. Note that the seeming chaos is actually perfectly planned out, as truly random construction would wind up with gaps. No, we are all held fast, in a trap if you will, devoid of meaning, trying to achieve the unachievable and yet achieving something quite different and subtly horrifying. The misery will never end — for the table, for Lockhorn himself, nor for you and for me as well.” –bone

“Sarah would have been better off asking about the origin of June’s current hairstyle. ‘I noticed in the flashbacks, you had a ponytail, Mom. When did your hair go from being practical and efficient to being super practical and efficient?’” –Joe Blevins

“Rice Krispies? RICE KRISPIES? What kind of nothing garbage are we being sold here? This kid is a Marshmallow Fruity Pebbles kid. Froot Loops or Honey Smacks, probably. Chocolate Krave, no doubt. Count Chocula and Frankenberry and Cap’n Crunch, preferably mixed in the same bowl in some kind of zombie recipe. But, NOT A CEREAL THAT A TWENTY-SOMETHING MIGHT CHOOSE AS PART OF THE LATEST ODDBALL WEIGHT LOSS DIET! WHAT NEXT, SPECIAL K OR ALL-BRAN? THIS IS NOT MENACING AT ALL!” –Just John

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