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Blondie, 5/3/20

Well, it’s not surprising that the Bumsteads’ suburb, where packs of semi-feral dogs roam the streets at night, has been a little laissez-faire in the public health front, but it looks like it’s finally under enforced social distancing rules. And much as I enjoy Mr. Dithers’s trademark dollar-sign PJs, I really respect Cora’s decision to maintain some shred of civilization and put on her pearls for a day — week? month? — when she’s definitely not going anywhere.

Daddy Daze, 5/3/20

Years ago, my wife and brother-in-law and I were discussing the possibility of training monkeys to work in retail establishments, and I said one of the downsides would be the pooping, for which diapers would be only a temporary solution, and he replied with a sentence that has been burned into my brain ever since: “Once we teach a monkey how to change another monkey’s diapers, it’ll be all monkeys up in here.” In truth, isn’t that the story of the human race? Aren’t we the monkeys who have learned to change each other’s diapers? What I’m trying to say is these children will soon eliminate the last thing they need the Daddy Daze Daddy for, which will blessedly remove any justification for his continued presence in their lives.

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Funky Winkerbean, 5/2/20

Ha ha ha, a sequel? Do these crass Hollywood schlockmeisters want Les to taint the precious, pure story of his dead wife Lisa with a [shudder of disgust] sequel? What would such a sequel even be about? Maybe finding a new love and a new life with his second wife? Absurd. Lisa is the only one worthy of installments in this series, and once Lisa’s dead, there’s nobody else a movie in the world Les is conjuring could be about. So, in other words: does Les have any other ideas for these guys? Anything else new or interesting to say, other than what he’s been saying for the past twenty years? The answer is a very, very hard no.

Mary Worth, 5/2/20

The thing to remember about Jared’s first storyline with Dawn from a couple years ago was that he’s a clumsy, self-loathing dork who absolutely seethes with resentment whenever anyone socially skilled or attractive talks to Dawn, so he’s gonna fuckin’ hate it when Dawn announces that they’re going to take a trip to France together in the summer to hang out with Hugo and his new girlfriend, and that’s even before Hugo inevitably suggests a partner swap.

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Oh, hey, what’s today? Friday? I almost forgot, as if each day seemed exactly like the one before it and they all just kind of blended into one another and time had no meaning anymore, for some reason. Anyhoo, here’s your comment of the week!

“For a moment I thought the Dennis strip’s punchline was screwed up by the layout artist. It took several readings to understand that it was Mr. Wilson and Dennis trading lines. Then I remembered that layout artists don’t work at newspapers anymore and wished I could daydrink. Then I remembered we’re quarantined and that I could! Win!” –Bill Peschel

And your very funny runners up!

“Slick Smitty must feel terribly lonely, being the last man on earth. Just look at those picture frames hanging on the wall. Instead of holding photos of his family, loved ones, friends, co-workers, or just casual acquaintances — or for that matter even people he doesn’t really much like — they are empty. They are permanent, constant, heart-wrenching reminders that there’s no one else. You’re on your own, Bub. Hey, in these days of social isolation, I regularly see plenty of animals of various sorts running around in the yard, but I encounter no fellow humans. I feel your pain, man. I feel your pain.” –seismic-2

“I like Lois blushing at the tulip in the last panel. It suggests that there might have been a bit more interesting story we could have seen instead, even if it doesn’t actually go to the trouble to invent one.” –pachoo

“I imagine you could disrupt a parade just as badly by flinging freezing-cold saltwater into people’s eyes, but what do I know? I’m not a trained detective, or even a detective’s assistant illegally trespassing in someone’s kitchen.” –BigTed

“Hmm. There are six chix. This might be a self portrait. Is this one of their writing sessions? Where they talk about the weird neuroses that they are going to cartoon. Like group therapy? Because if 6C is therapy art that emerges from a group therapy session, I think the strip is fully explained.” –richardf8

“The real crime Slylock Fox should be investigating is why the wolf put a bottle of red wine in the fridge.” –KMD

“That is not just unusually wide but a weirdly shallow staircase, too. It’s like they’re going up to the mezzanine in a museum. It shouldn’t be that taxing for Leroy, unless his wife has poisoned him.” –Tom T.

“THE PILLOW LORETTA NOW IS THE TIME FOR THE PILLOW AS WE REHEARSED” –pastordan

“Look at the depressed look of the police chief in panel 2! ‘Yeah, we got a bomb-sniffing dog that is only good at identifying cinematic bombs. I’d rather have known this before the last terrorist attack. We lost so many brave agents and so many civilians.’” –Ettorre

“How is a sesame bagel with peanut butter unusual? The worrying thing is the straight razor he’s apparently going to use to spread it.” –Rosstifer

“Hey, so what’s the creepiest things about this strip? Boog’s dead eyes as his father talks about the Grave? The parrot who can somehow enunciate the difference between a ‘c’ and a ‘k’? The general moist, creepy ambiance that inhabits every Gasoline Alley strip? Nope: its Charlotte’s massive palms and tiny fingers, in what looks like the worst case ever of what my granny used to call ‘carny hands.’” –pugfuggly

“Honestly I find this development in Mary Worth very relatable. And I was checking to see whether the restaurant they’re at (Amélie Wine Bar on the Upper West Side) had curtains like that (of course not), and I somehow found myself clicking on a reservations link even though I don’t live in New York and also coronavirus, so I find all sorts of bad decisions relatable.” –matt w

“‘Me want cookies. Me also want web cache, registry, and pen register. Me want Title III wiretap. Me want this guy. Me want him bad.’ –Scene from CSI:Sesame Street:Cyber Crimes Squad.” –Voshkod

“Ah good, Hugo’s feelings aren’t hurt. Maybe don’t show him a picture of the guy you left him for though. No reason.” –Dan

“Eat Drink Man Dead Woman
Fists of Radiation
Farewell My Concubine, Because You’re Dying
Slouching Jackass Hidden Tumor” –made of wince

“If Mohawk Dude is married I’d love to eavesdrop on some home conversations. ‘No, honey, I love your white bean and olive soup. I’m just not sure the Chinese will go for an overcooked salty mess. Their words, not mine.’” –Artist formerly known as Ben

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