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Panel from Slylock Fox, 4/26/20

So you’re one of the last humans on earth, and you’re trying to make the best of your sad, lonely existence in an animal-dominated world, but that doesn’t mean you can neglect your health. There are still dentists, though they cater to animals, mostly, like beavers, with their big cliched teeth. And you’re sitting in the waiting room, and you’re flipping through the magazines, and remember Cat Fancy? It was a funny name, which nobody really understood because “fancy” was actually an archaic use of the word — at one point in its etymological evolution it meant the equivalent of “fandom” — and in 2015, towards the end of human civilization on the planet, it briefly changed its name to Catster before going out of business altogether. You’re thinking about all this and looking at a magazine printed now, in the world run by animals, and it’s called Fancy Cat, and you guess it’s something like Town & Country used to be, a chronicle of the rich and famous and socially well connected, only for … cats? And then you think, why not neglect your health. Why not walk out of the dentist’s office, skip your appointment, grab the magazine, grab the purse that some idiot just left sitting out there, then go home and eat a slice of cake and drink a can of full-sugar soda. Who cares about tooth decay, you know? Nothing matters anymore. Nothing matters.

Hi and Lois, 4/26/20

THOU SHALT HAVE NO OTHER GODS BEFORE ME, TRIXIE

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Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 4/25/20

I think we’ve hit the uncanny valley segment of “comics do coronavirus,” where strips start throwing in catchphrases increasingly prevalent in public discourse to generate “ah ha, I recognize that” laugh-like reactions without actually trying to grapple with actual context these phrases come from. Thus you get Snuffy joking about the “stimulus package” the U.S. government is putting together to counteract the economic effects of the coronavirus pandemic without anyone in Hootin’ Holler actually changing their behavior in response to the coronavirus pandemic. Of course, Snuffy and his neighbors are the last people you’d expect to submit to the revenooers’ orders on how they should live their lives, but it’s also possible that they’re safe because the government long ago simply walled Hootin’ Holler off from the rest of the country, for their protection and for ours.

Daddy Daze, 4/25/20

I know I’ve already discussed my theory that the Daddy Daze coffeeshop strips are just updated versions of the bar strips in every other syndicated newspaper comic. Today’s offering features a very despondent Daddy Daze Daddy’s Goth Twin, guzzling his coffee as he contemplates a parenting style that, it seems clear, has already ruined his child’s life, and I’m basically assuming at this point that these strips were all drawn to take place in a bar and then forcibly changed to a coffee shop by editorial intervention.

Funky Winkerbean, 4/25/20

“Finally! White people are back on top in this town! White people with normal names, like ‘Mason Jarre!’”

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COTW? COTW!

“Does Slylock see anything suspicious? He sees multiple species together in a room where bodily fluids might mix, a hothouse for zoonotic diseases. Like the axolotl-echidna pulmonary virus that wiped out most of mankind, leading animal to sapience and power. No, nothing suspicious here; just good policy designed to keep the few remaining humans down. Slylock smiles. The future is assured.” –Voshkod

Runners up? Runners up!

“‘Now that summer is here and lots of us are headed outdoors…’ Wrong on both counts, dipshit.” –nescio

“Relax everyone, Slylock is not a perv. Just a normal predator, hungrily eyeing all those succulent mammal babies.” –Peanut Gallery

“Extremely excited for the return of the producer who pitied Les for being a towering genius who crafted beautiful artwork that was too good, too noble for the crass world of commercial entertainment. It’s Les Moore jackoff season on Funky Winkerbean and it’s quarantine, NOBODY’S ALLOWED TO LEAVE” –Dan

“Fun fact, coral is an animal! I’ll bet it has been granted the same sentience as all of the other animals. Does it realize it’s wearing a diamond ring? Or is it oblivious because it has no eyes or ears or any other way for its sentience to interact with the outside world and is trapped in an eternal solitary confinement in which its sentience is a curse? Will Slylock recognize the sentient coral, or will he treat it like an inanimate object? Will it be a blessing or a curse when the coral’s solitude is interrupted by the trauma or Slylock snapping off an appendage to retrieve the ring?” –Glires

“Hugo is losing points in the ‘Fake French’ department. As at least Lois is wearing a beret.” –The Dimensional Otter

“You have to give Lois credit for effort since she’s trying to sell houses on New Year’s Day, Easter, Chinese New Year, Passover, and Nowruz. ABC, Lois, ABC.” –But What Do I Know?

“Remember, Jughaid is being raised by his aunt and uncle. Jughaid’s actual parents really were murdered in front of him, in the 1940s. He’s just so lazy it took him this long to turn into Batman.” –Banana Jr. 6000

“Also, do you have a copy of your book where the title on the spine is listed as Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban? ‘Cause that’s the only way this plan of mine works.” –Joe Blevins

“It’s interesting that the receptionist is peeved that this patient doesn’t have a mask on but isn’t wearing one herself. She’s actually more likely than most people to be asymptomatic but contagious, given all the sick people she comes in contact every day. But why shouldn’t she be both snippy and hypocritical? This is the Morgan Clinic, and she’s staying on-brand.” –BigTed

“That’s the general idea, yes. But feel free to loudly say the words ‘cough, cough’ with your mask on. Onomatopoeia really helps Dr. Morgan diagnose symptoms.” –Mighty Sean Young

“That receptionist has just about had it with humoring people who feel a need to verbally clarify the obvious purpose of mundane objects.” –Christopher Robin

“Is Cindy pulling into the garage? No, she’s driving into a gaping black void, just like every other character in this godforsaken strip.” –jeltranksss

“Child Protective Services should investigate how many dangerous situations Rusty finds himself in — except that the landmark case Trail v. United States decreed that Rusty cannot be classified as a ‘human child.’” –Ettorre

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