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Mary Worth, 5/20/24

Yeah, sorry I didn’t talk about Wilbur making a beautiful flowered coffin for his dead fish Stellan Sunday, but I just sort of stared at it for a little bit and couldn’t process it properly, so I’m glad I have a chance to reassess today. Anyway, pretty fucked up, huh? Ha ha! My dad had a fish tank when I was a kid and over several years we got more and more fish and upgraded to bigger and bigger tanks. Obviously fish died over time but I don’t really remember us doing anything special for them; I assume we probably just flushed them or threw them out, and we had so many fish that even though you would get attached to individuals there were enough that losing one wasn’t a huge tragedy. Then one day we went to our usual fish store and there was a real crazy looking fish in there and we were like “What is this?” and the guy was like “Just got it in, honestly couldn’t tell you” and we bought it and over the next few weeks it ate all the other fish and then died. Not sure how my dad dealt with that, since the horror ended when I was at my mom’s, but I bet he didn’t give it a big funeral either, even though by that time it was definitely too big to flush. Anyway, tune in over the course of this week to see if I have any other vaguely topical anecdotes to help us all forget about the nightmare of what Wilbur is doing!

Curtis, 5/20/24

On Twitter, once, I saw a guy do an entirely earnest tweet thread about how Silicon Valley disrupted old-fashioned, conformist business uniforms like suits and ties for a more comfortable and unique aesthetic, illustrated by pictures of multiple fiftysomething dudes wearing identical chinos-and-fleece-vests. Anyway, I just want to note that the stuffy shirt and tie were a casual alternative to more formal codes of dress once, and in the Curtis-ruled future, a baseball hat tipped jauntily just so will be a requirement for entry into polite society, to be worn at all times.

Beetle Bailey, 5/20/24

Yeah, man, usually when someone gets arrested, they are in big trouble. That’s a good observation, Killer, thanks for keeping us informed.

Alice, 5/20/24

Alice, you were kidnapped by aliens last week! That seems like a pretty big deal or at least a conversation starter.

Tina’s Groove, 5/20/24

I’m a 49-year-old man and my entire life I’ve assumed that a “halfway house” is called that because it represents a way station halfway up the path between your troubled past and the better future that you’re working towards. Does it … does it not mean that. Is getting closer to one bad in this metaphor. Do you want to go all the way down to zero, so you have no house at all. I gotta go lie on the couch quietly for a while.

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Panel from Slylock Fox, 5/19/24

Now, you all know that I am a fan of Reeky Rat trailer park disputes and have been for a very long time, but it’s still nice to see that the strip is mixing things up a little, like giving us the perspective of the Reeky Drama Cam Drone Sly has parked over Chez Rat 24/7 now. Anyway, do you really doubt his alibi that much? Does Reeky look like a guy who microwaves a can of soup, sees that the only clean pieces of silverware he has are forks, and then goes through the trouble of cleaning a spoon? You know you can just pick that bowl up and drink out of it, right, the edge of the fork works just as well as a spoon for scraping the last bits out.

Shoe, 5/19/24

“Oh, you’re talking about the afterlife. We’re birds, Padre! We don’t have souls! Sorry you spent your life in service to the God of Humanity, but trust me when I say that He doesn’t care about you. That bit about the sparrow is a metaphor.”

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Mary Worth, 5/18/24

Remember when we learned that Old Man Wynter purchased a headstone for his dog that was significantly larger than the one he bought for his wife? Well, it still wasn’t that big, and I hope that Wilbur plans to outdo it by building an enormous obelisk, or perhaps a pyramid, down at the pet cemetery, large enough to blot out the sun, tipped with a lifelike glass sculpture of his favorite fish (non-alive division), Stellan. Or maybe he’s just going to eat him, slurping him out of that little net like he’s doing a shot of his beloved purple drank. Excited to find out!

Hi and Lois, 5/18/24

He’s like, what, ten, fifteen feet away? You could wake him up just by having a conversation at a normal volume! This isn’t very impressive at all.