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Mary Worth, 9/13/19

So there hasn’t really been much by way of a “twist” in this Dawn Summer Romance plot, honestly, but maybe at least now we’re getting to what’s intended to be the point, which is that Dawn having her heart broken will hurt for only a little while, so maybe she should just be grateful that she didn’t suffer some kind of terrible injury that resulted in permanent facial scarring, you know what I mean? Dawn, you hearing this? This saintly young man is offering to help you! Pull yourself together, girl!!!!

Hagar the Horrible, 9/13/19

Ha ha, so, the running Hagar the Horrible bit about Lucky Eddie’s mermaid fetish has all been in good fun, but today’s strip is getting a little too close to “hey, let’s think in some biological detail about mermaids’ reproductive cycle and, by extension, their sex lives, and specifically the sex life shared by this mermaid and Lucky Eddie” and you know what? Nope. This is where I tap out.

Crock, 9/13/19

Hey, you guys know about … brands? Well get this, what if there were brands … but for weapons? [My aide whispers the entire history of the military-industrial complex into my ear] Wait, what

Rex Morgan, M.D., 9/13/19

“For that to happen, wouldn’t I have to have sex? Like, with Buck? No thanks.”

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Dick Tracy, 9/12/19

I’m not going to bother bringing you up to speed on the current Dick Tracy “Minit Mystery” guest-artisted arc, which involves a murder that took place at a modeling agency. The only mystery I actually care about is this: is this storyline just an opportunity for someone to indulge their getting-yelled-at-by-women-in-bathing-suits fetish? All signs point to yes!

Beetle Bailey, 9/12/19

Is Sarge … about to chow down on a half-eaten cookie he fished out of a garbage can? I’m not sure I’d describe that as the behavior of a “big jerk.” It could be indicative of a number of other reasons you wouldn’t want to date him, though!

Dennis the Menace, 9/12/19

“Wow, Henry has a photo album full of muscle guys and he’s lucky that I didn’t fall for any of them? The real menace here is your narrow mind, son.”

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Marvin, 9/11/19

Sometimes, faithful readers, I have to take a good, hard look at myself and acknowledge that I’ve spent a decade and a half — more than half of my adult life — regularly getting angry online about how the popular widely syndicated comic strip Marvin just makes jokes about shitting, day after day after day, right in public where everyone sees it. Sometimes I feel like I do it too often and should save my righteous fury for days like today, which features a strip that’s not only about Marvin shitting but actually demands that we get into the weeds of the mechanics of the whole thing. Like, isn’t the whole deal with Marvin that he doesn’t care about getting his diaper changed? Wouldn’t he be more likely just to shit himself and the keep eating, having just made more room in his stomach, to the disgust of his fellow competitors and everyone around him? Anyway, damn you, Marvin, for making me contemplate this today, and also several times a week, forever.

Pluggers, 9/11/19

Pluggers at least has the courtesy to leave the digestive distress this plugger’s about to experience largely in the realm of the imagination. Will he endure a mere gurgle or two from chowing down on the long-expired canned food alone in his kitchen, or suffer the full-on runs? The details aren’t as important as the overall gist, which is that pluggers are cheap, lazy, and so depressed that they honestly don’t care whether they live or die.