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Dick Tracy, 4/21/19

Were you hoping we were going to find out what made “The Professor” tick? Did you think that there must be an interesting story behind an apparently successful sports columnist whose sense of professional pride led him to kill a series of gym teachers? Were you intrigued to learn more about the whole psychological deal that led him to obsess over his nickname? Well, too bad, because Dick pretty much figured out who he was right away and then gunned him down in an alley. I guess “The Professor” should’ve gotten his Ph.D. in marksmanship, so he could have at least winged Dick on the way out, or maybe in English, so that he didn’t embarrass himself by wildly misusing the word “ironic” as he expired.

Pluggers, 4/21/19

Wait, is this the first instance in history of pluggers being depicted as snobs? There are of course no channels on which programming is introduced by random drunk dudes wearing sweaty tank tops, but if there were, they would be immensely popular, and rightfully so.

Gasoline Alley, 4/21/19

Today’s Gasoline Alley is a cruel bait and switch because it allowed us to believe right up to the final panel that Rufus, one of the most irritating characters in an irritating strip, was dead.

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Hagar the Horrible, 4/20/19

This is one of a continuing series of strips that tries to situate our Viking heroes in the timeline of the Norse conversion to Christianity. Today, we learn that Hagar has sort of bought into the new religion, but mostly understands it on a fairly superficial level, which can be easily manipulated.

Pluggers, 4/20/19

Pluggers … aren’t English? That’s more or less what I’m getting from this panel, and, look, if there’s one thing I knew about pluggers before I even looked it, it was that pluggers aren’t English.

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It’s that time of week, everyone: time for the comment ……. of the week:

“The aspect [of Pardon My Planet] that most impressed me was the weird haircuts he gave everyone. It’s like creating a strip with multiple Dagwoods.” –Ukulele Ike

Also time for the very funny runners up!

“Drug dealers, even in states that have not legalized or decriminalized marijuana, are still required to submit a truthful tax return and pay the appropriate taxation rates on their income. For a waitress likely surviving entirely off of tips, a friend who runs his own business and knows the intimate laws and loopholes of the U.S. Tax Code would be a perfect person to consult over her own financial circumstances. Since young people have used pot since forever, I can only assume the cartoonist ran out of space for the final hilarious punchline and just decided to call it a day.” –Dread

“Marvin doesn’t really care about breaking toys — he just wants to poop all over some other kid’s creative dreams. That’s right, I said it — he’s finally lifted his destructive bathroom habits to an entirely abstract level.” –BigTed

“Oh boy oh boy we’re kicking off a knitting arc and somebody’s gonna hold the needles the wrong way and people are gonna go nuts. This is why the Internet exists, man.” –Uncle Lumpy

“I think Toby’s big smile and nonchalant attitude here is due to the fact that she has realized she is no longer the biggest dummy at Charterstone.” –Where’s Rocky?

“You made a physical object!? How? Is there an app that can do that now?” –Peanut Gallery

“Mary Worth Attempts Slang Phrase, Biffs Entirely” –jvwalt

“I never thought I’d say this, but Mary looks beaten down by Toby’s relentless questioning. ‘Why doesn’t Estelle just video chat?‘ ‘Why don’t they make the whole aircraft out of the black box material?’ ‘Why didn’t the eagles just carry Frodo to Mount Doom?’ ‘Why do we park on a driveway but drive on a parkway?’” –Schroduck

“Video chat is amazing, Mary! Do you know that you can solicit married men to take part in cybersex, record them on camera, and use the incriminating video to blackmail them? It pays top dollar! The only problem is that a good ten per cent of my victims turn out to be Ian.” –Ettorre

“Ah Shoe, the comic where the punchlines involve a nude man-bird harassing women at the bar.” –Escape Zeppelin

“[meanwhile, back at Mary’s apartment: Toby and Mary try to match the best ‘crying Jordan’ pictures to the pictures in Estelle’s social media posts.]” –Foodar

“I see the woman in Pardon My Planet is enjoying a Tsushima Straight, three shots of ice-cold vodka garnished with a sunken model ship. Drink it fast. It’ll make you cross your eyes the way Admiral Tōgō crossed the Russian’s T.” –Voshkod

“My favourite part of this strip is the fact that Roy is announcing his upcoming birthday to his family, in the complete certainty that they didn’t remember or have anything planned. Just a nice layer of depressing icing on that cake of mortality.” –pugfuggly

“This is confusing because houseflies prefer the stool, not the pigeon.” –nescio

“[Panel 1: Jeff to his Cool Dads Who Never Change Diapers chat room] Oh, guys, about to drop the sickest burn on my father-in-law! [Panel 3] Sick burn … DEPLOYED!” –Adam Menendez

“Ah well, I’m old. At least I didn’t go bald in my thirties and try to hide it with a bad combover.” –Rosstifer

“Estelle: ‘Should I send Arthur the money he needs, Libby? Is that a wink? You think I must? Yes! I agree! Nothing will stand in the way our love!’ [rushes out the door to Western Union] Libby: [suffers acute conjunctivitis in desperate isolation]” –The Silent Penultimate Panel

“I figured the missing salacious details from the Mueller Report would come out online eventually, but I didn’t expect to find them in Sam and Silo. If we wind up learning the details of the pee tape in Hi and Lois, our democracy is officially dead.” –Larry McAwful

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