The Comics Curmudgeon

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Hey, have we established whether Estelle has ever had a real job

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Judge Parker, 8/21/24

You know, back in the day, young Sophie was a real nerd who used to spend a lot of time on laptops analyzing grim data about wars and environmental collapse and such. Then she hit puberty and got sort of boy crazy and remade herself into a mean girl super cheerleader. Now, having entered college and become a young adult, she’s finally managed to integrate the two sides of her personality, learning to flirt with a hot boy while using her laptop to scour video footage for evidence of his father’s death.

Mary Worth, 8/21/24

It’s a tough, expensive, and sometimes thankless journey to becoming a veterinarian, but think of the benefits: when your betrothed starts getting tiresome about all the wedding-planning details, you can just look her straight in the eye and say “Every time you say another color name at me, another cat dies. Is that what you want? Dead cats?” You can’t pull that sort of power move if you have some dumb spreadsheet job, that’s for sure.

Dennis the Menace, 8/21/24

“Every day, the number of Dennis iterations increases! This simply isn’t sustainable! It’s a menace to the very nature of our reality!”

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Bad scenes

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 8/20/24

Look, I’ve been to plenty of comedy open mics in my time, and the thing you have to keep in mind about them is that they are generally extremely depressing and poorly attended, and the people who do come are invariably all comics looking for a few minutes of stage time who are staring at their phones or mentally running through their sets when other people are performing and who inevitably leave once they get off stage — slinking back home, if they’re lucky, or trying to find another mic, if they’re truly in too deep. Anyway, my point is that you don’t normally see a bunch of people sitting there watching attentively as in panel one. The Glenwood entertainment scene must be truly dire if this many people are coming to see an open mic that allows literal children to perform, and those children are trying to make a genre they’re calling “neo-vaudeville” happen. Are there no roots country concerts these poor souls could be attending instead? Has it really come to this?

Hi and Lois, 8/20/24

It’s pretty funny how exasperated Hi looks in the second panel. Wow, Hi, sorry your kids are taking an interest in your professional life! Although I do think the ribs thing isn’t realistic; it seems more likely that Dot’s initial Google takeaway would be more “Wait, Kansas City is in Missouri? What the heck!”

Hagar the Horrible, 8/20/24

Ha ha! It’s funny because Hagar and his family will freeze to death in the bitterly cold Scandinavian winter!

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Estelle’s really yelling “ESTRANGED” to try to pique Ed’s interest and it’s not working

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Slylock Fox, 8/19/24

Slylock is not alarmed because he knows about the square cube law, which dictates that this unnaturally enlarged mosquito’s body will not be able to support his own weight and he will soon die as his respiratory and circulatory systems collapse. We can only pray that Weirdly’s mechanical tinkering with the bug’s brain wiped away his conscious mind so that he doesn’t have to experience the excruciating process.

Mary Worth, 8/19/24

Remember Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus? Well, get ready for the upcoming Ed-Estelle wedding plotline, Veterinarians Think About Sad Dogs Who Want More Pills All Day, While Unpaid Veterinarian Assistants Spiral Into Bridezilla Mania And Possibly Set The Stage For Actual Fightfights At Their Weddings. I’m tentatively into it!

Gasoline Alley, 8/19/24

Sure, you might say that blogging about comics is “pretty easy all things considered” and “not a real job,” but have you considered the untold psychic damage I take every day, for your amusement, as any number of insane comics details burrow permanently into my brain? For instance, years from now, when my mind has turned to soup and I have forgotten the name and face of everyone I ever loved, I guarantee that if you visit me in whatever facility I’m warehoused in and whisper “Chief Meowrice” into my ear, the correct neuron sequence will fire and my mind’s eye will be presented with the image of this horrible French cat advertising pitchman. If I’m lucky, the experience will kill me.