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Arctic Circle, 2/14/24

Arctic Circle is usually a strip about climate change and other environmental issues, but on this special day of St. Valentine, it boldly poses the question: Could a human who is horny for penguins and a penguin horny for people find love, on an app? And could their hybrid children carry penguin DNA into a future in which the ice caps have all melted and full-blooded penguins go extinct? Let’s carry this beautiful dream into 2024!

Blondie, 2/14/24

Sorry, I know this is supposed to be “cute” but all I can experience is utter revulsion at what the consistency of that steak sauce must be in order for it to hold its shape like that. It’s like fucking toothpaste, the nastiest toothpaste you’ve ever seen. I know Dagwood’s appetites are born in the darkest nightmares of our subconscious, but this is too much even this strip.

Mary Worth, 2/14/24

Most of today’s strips were supposed to be “fun” “romantic” Valentine’s Day strips, and Arctic Circle and Blondie were honestly the best of the lot. (Not one but two strips did jokes about male praying mantises dipping their heads in chocolate so their lovers would enjoy eating them, after sex.) But only Mary Worth dares to look at the dark side of romance on this day, and tells us that sometimes you think a girl is your long-lost daughter and so you rekindle your sexual relationship with her mom but then you find out the kid isn’t yours and so you gradually start fading out and eventually ghost her. That’s why this strip is #1! Read and learn, losers!

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Pluggers, 2/13/24

Wow, I feel like the backstory that lead up to today’s Pluggers is even grimmer than usual. Chicken-lady is thrusting this inoffensive but uninspiring plate at her husband, her facial expression seemingly indicating that she’s drunk or angry or confused or maybe all three, belligerently telling him he can shove it up his ass if he doesn’t like it; dog-man’s eyes are wide with shock, as he gingerly reaches out to grab the plate before she erupts. The way they’re both standing in the middle of this room implies that he’s going to take the plate somewhere else, as they retreat to different corners of the house to have dinner in wounded silence. Take it or leave it! Ha ha!

Shoe, 2/13/24

A fun fact is that Shoe and Pluggers were created by Jeff MacNelly, who worked for much of his career at the Chicago Tribune, so I guess it makes sense that Shoe would be a Cubs fan, even though we’ve seen no evidence that sleepy Treetops is a bird-world analogue of Chicago or that baseball even exists in the bird-ruled Shoeniverse. This also just could be something the doctor is saying passive-aggressively, though; if he doesn’t have the nerve to tell Shoe not to smoke cigars in his office, he definitely doesn’t have the nerve to tell him that his high blood pressure has been caused by all those cigars he smokes constantly.

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Gasoline Alley, 2/12/24

Good (?) news, everybody: Slim didn’t freeze to death in his car, and it turns out that the supposed “love note” his wife found was from his granddaughter, so everything’s fine! Or … is it? The newspaper and TV are telling them something unbelievable. Probably something about how the martyred Abraham Lincoln’s memory is being used to promote a sale on sofa beds or Toyotas or something, as panel two hints.

Family Circus, 2/12/24

A friend of mine had a kid who used to just describe strangers to them in public, e.g., “You’re bald,” “You’re short,” etc., and when my friend told her she couldn’t do that because it was rude, she just started looking people in the eye and saying “I’m not allowed to name you.” Anyway, most of the darnedest thing saying in the Family Circus is pretty stupid, but “you have a beard but you just have a face” is the sort of genuinely off-putting thing a child Jeffy’s age might actually say and I frankly think this strip should do more like it.

Shoe, 2/12/24

It’s good to see the Perfesser has finally realized he doesn’t have any loved ones, not Skyler or anyone else, who care enough about him to plan or pay for his funeral, so if he doesn’t want to just get dumped in the river, he’s got to put something together himself. Will tacos be enough to get his various vague acquaintances, like Roz and the guy who fixes his car, to show up? Only one way to find out, though I guess he’ll never really know for sure.