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Blondie, 2/15/18

“Never have Olympic events tasted so good! That’s because Olympic events are abstract concepts. Sure, I could devour the equipment (dangerous) or the competitors (monstrous) — but how do you eat the idea of speed skating or hockey? Well, now I can, because my beloved wife has given them substance, in the form of, I guess, little cakes or whatever.” You know how the International Olympic Committee is super litigious and often tries to prevent unaffiliated companies and organizations from infringing on their trademarks, even sometimes extending to the word “Olympics”? Usually I think this is dumb, but I kind of wish they’d step in with Blondie this week, to stop the madness.

Dick Tracy, 2/15/18

Oh, ha ha, it’s called “Pepper’s” and the owner is named “Ghost,” like ghost pepper, ha ha, and also he’s a terrifying eyeless chalk-fleshed nightmare? Anyway, there are two ways this could go: Either this demon is going to murder Simon in some unspeakable way and walk away with his money, or he’s going to explain that Simon’s suitcase full of cash won’t buy Pepper’s but does represent the franchise fee necessary to license the Pepper’s brand and menu so he can open his own Pepper’s, an arrangement where everybody wins, especially the customer, who now has a variety of Pepper’s locations to choose from!

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Mary Worth, 2/14/18

Hmm, it seems that Mary, normally so firm in her boundaries, has internalized the pernicious idea that she has no right to her own bodily autonomy! Mere seconds after being visibly alarmed by Ted’s lingering frotteurist farewell and then essentially yelling him out the door, she already tries to normalize the experience in her own mind by dismissing Ted as a mere “character.” Who is going to raise her consciousness? Candidates are thin on the ground. Tobey? Dawn? My guess is Iris, who will return the favor Mary did in giving her permission to pursue Zak by explaining what it’s like being with a woke bae who knows all about consent and is also extremely hot and rich.

Dick Tracy, 2/14/18

Meanwhile, Dick Tracy is pulling away from showing us a literal alien invasion of earth and moving on to a much more exciting storyline: a man with goofy hair plans to purchase an off-brand Chili’s!

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 2/14/18

Every Valentine’s Day, Loweezy has to indulge Snuffy’s kink of having sex in a boat, and she is not feeling it this year.

Six Chix, 2/14/18

HEY MAN MAYBE THE BICHON WOULDN’T HAVE LEFT YOU IF YOU HADN’T TRIED TO POISON HER

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Mary Worth, 2/13/18

Oh no, Mary was only into her hug from Ted when she thought it was a quick goodbye squeeze, and now it’s turning into something more and she’s not into it at all. I guess it was inevitable (it wasn’t inevitable, we could’ve stopped this at any time) that the strip would take on the current cultural moment of reckoning with sexual harassment and assault. I have to say that I’ve already spent way more time than I’m comfortable admitting trying to parse what exactly is supposed to be happening in panel two here. Since this is the chaste newspaper comics, it could just be Ted leaning in and closing his eyes and breathing in Mary’s scent and imagining what it would be like to be in a beautiful, committed relationship with her, but he also might be humping her leg.

Shoe, 2/13/18

Ha ha, heavy alcohol use can result in … tattoos! Tattoos and that’s it. No other health problems, no sir. This strip is heavily invested in the financial solvency of depressing fern bars, so we’re just going to leave it there.