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Soapy Tuesday

Rex Morgan, M.D., 11/24/14

Oh, say, what’s been going on in Rex Morgan, M.D., Well, Rex has a meeting in a converted Prohibition-era booze stash-warehouse with a art forger in the employ of a mob widow to discuss his five-year-old daughter’s lucrative career, and they’re eating pastrami sandwiches off of silver serving trays, in a scenario that I’m not making up even a little bit. Anyway, I am very much enjoying how our ethically shady art teacher is framing Sarah’s skills. “Look, she’s pretty good at painting, but the key thing is that she’s very competitive. She doesn’t like it when people are better than her. Or speak ill of her, in even the mildest way. Those people will be either defeated or destroyed. Enjoy this life while you can.”

Mark Trail, 11/24/14

Oh ho, you like to read Mark Trail “for the articles,” eh, sinister chemical company owner? Maybe you’ll sing a different tune when you find out Mark has taken his shirt off to talk to you! Seriously, guys, I honestly have no idea how to deal with New Sexy Mark Trail, please send help.

Monday quickies

Six Chix, 11/24/14

All the turkeys are trying to get out of town this week! That’s because it’s almost Thanksgiving, and they’re justifiably terrified that they’re going to be killed and eaten.

Blondie, 11/24/14

But none of them ever imagined that, after they were killed but before they were eaten, Dagwood Bumstead might sexually fetishize their corpse.

Better Half, 11/24/14

As a financial advisor, it’s tough to keep coming up with “fun” ways to say “Welp, looks like you’re gonna die in poverty!”

Marvin, 11/24/14

“Constipated? Ha ha, it’s funny because Marvin has no problems making bowel movements! You can tell because he always smells like feces! Ha ha!”

Luann, 11/24/14

Hey, remember when Guther and Rosa decided to move to Peru for, uh, some reason? I had been thinking it was in order to do something noble but now we see that they’re just working in an extremely boring-looking call center.

Funky Winkerbean, 11/24/14

“We’ve swapped something you might actually want for something you definitely won’t!”

Mary Worth, 11/24/14

“My daughter? Oh, I definitely don’t love her. If I did, I’d have talked about her up top, when I was telling you about people I loved.”

Spider-Man, 11/24/14

Having lived in Los Angeles for nearly three months, I can assure you that panel two’s depiction of a Hollywood producer is 100% accurate.

With nobody left to eat them, their victory will be bittersweet

Momma, 11/23/14

A genuinely disturbing scene: despite the large sign letting visitors know that this is a farm where LIVE TURKEYS are raised, Momma, declining rapidly into dementia, is unable to identify these common barnyard animals by sight. Instead of gently helping his mother out, Thomas, no doubt to get a measure of revenge for decades of controlling behavior and barely veiled contempt for his wife, gives her some weird, wordy, obtuse description. Fortunately, these angry free-range birds have dimly perceived that their honor has been slighted and will now be rising up and destroying all humanity, presumably starting with the representatives nearest to hand.

Funky Winkerbean, 11/23/14

This is a nice coda to the story of Bull’s failure to get that college coaching job: we get a reminder that everyone wants to get the hell out of this cursèd town, but nobody can quite figure out how to do it.

Mary Worth, 11/23/14

I was going to make some joke about Mary Worth finding its true level by rejecting quotes from highbrow French philosophers and just going with Nicholas Sparks, but then I visualized Hanna enjoying a little post-coital flute-playing in Sean’s room only to be shushed by some busybody Somerset employee and my mind literally exploded with happiness.