Gil Thorp, 11/6/09

Yes, it’s “that time” over in prison, that time for something that we can’t really see that well because the ring of prisoners, eager for some kind of diversion from their banal minimum-security lives, is blocking our view. Is it a good old-fashioned prison fight with improvised weapons, or good old-fashioned situational homosexuality? Either way, Gil seems to have found out about it in mid-practice, somehow. “Say, Duncan, do you know there’s this awesome Web site that’s just all streaming video footage from prisons, all the time? And that the school’s Wi-Fi network reaches all the way out here to the practice fields? Anyway, long story short, your brother got stabbed to death with a fork.”

Luann, 11/6/09

“You know what, TJ? I’m 23 years old, I’m a firefighter, I saved Toni’s life by letting her fall on me. If I want to stand outside the bathroom door and masturbate while she poops, I’m allowed to! Whose parents own this house, anyway?”

TJ seems to have been recruited by Brad’s parents to prevent illicit Brad-Toni coupling, and he’ll need all of his abstinence-promotion skills to complete that mission.

Shoe, 11/6/09

“OK, Skyler, it’s about time we had a little talk. You’re getting older now, and you should know … that … you’re a bird. As am I. We’re all birds. I know we wear clothes and have jobs and go to school, so you probably thought that we’re people, but, no: birds. Are there bees out there that are similarly anthropomorphized? Seems unlikely to me, but in a world of freaky suit-wearing coffee-drinking bird-people, anything’s possible, right? Anyway, you might want to keep a lookout for bee-people. I was going to text this to you, but then I remembered that I don’t really have hands, so that would be difficult.”

Zits, 11/6/09

The weird naked degenitaled characters in Love Is: creepy.

Jeremy and Sara’s heads superimposed on said weird naked degenitaled bodies: creepier.

Jeremy grinning widely has he holds his camera just inches from Love Is-ified Sara’s naked upraised ass: That, my friends, is unspeakable perversion Friday.

Apartment 3-G, 11/5/09

Oh, man, apparently Tommie really isn’t familiar with I Dressed In The Dark, or with the reality TV genre in general, or with the sort of thing that normal humans enjoy as entertainment. If she were, she’d know that she should be jerking about spasmodically for the camera here, clowning it up for the people at home; if she must express negative feelings, they should be big negative feelings, with ostentatious, theatrical bawling. Instead, she’s just looking directly into the camera, and, with a flat expression and eerily affectless voice, describing the terrible emotional desert through which a cruel God has cursed her to wander, like the Israelites, but not as well dressed. I’m assuming that the cameraman is only managing to hold that microphone up through sheer professionalism, and will soon be quietly weeping. Tommie should very much not be allowed on television.

Mary Worth, 11/5/09

Ha ha, look, Adrian is already trying to squirm out of the drunken promises she made to Scott when she thought he was in a coma and couldn’t hear her. Now they’re getting married when he’s “better.” “Adrian, I’m back on my feet and back on the job, and the doctor says that these scars from the bullet wounds are pretty much permanent, so…” “Scott, please! You know I can’t marry a man with any sort of disfigurement! You’ll make sure they heal, if you really love me.”

Gil Thorp, 11/5/09

Congrats to Gil Thorp for depicting what most scientists agree to be the douchiest high-five possible there in panel two. Meanwhile, the parallelism of the two cafeteria scenes leaves one to contemplate the question: where’s a worse place to eat lunch, high school or prison? Your fellow inmates are more likely to shiv you, but at least they won’t stoop to lying about going to your volleyball game.

Dennis the Menace, 11/5/09

I’m sorry, Dennis, this is a game attempt to work within this strip’s restricted ambit of bad behavior, but good manners are never menacing.

B.C., 11/5/09

Ha ha, you see, because one of them wants to kill her, and one of them wants to have sex with her! Women, am I right? They’re like prey animals!

Beetle Bailey, 11/5/09

Honest to God, anyone who opens a gay bar named “McGooey’s” on the outskirts of a US Army base will get free advertising on this site for a year.

Family Circus, 11/4/09

The presence of Dolly in the background takes this Family Circus panel beyond this feature’s usual run-of-the-mill “Jeffy is a moron” territory. When you consider Dolly’s well-known and well-earned contempt for her brother, it seems unlikely that she’d be helping him search for his shoes; thus, I must conclude that all shoes in the Keane Kompound have been confiscated, possibly as a result of the suspiciously absent Billy’s successful escape. Barfy’s sad facial expression indicates that he knows what the kids don’t: even if you get across the half-mile of burning sand, you’ll just end up at the electric fence.

Pluggers, 11/4/09

Pluggers are so hard up for cash that they can only afford “choklit”, which, being made mostly from petroleum byproducts, doesn’t have an expiration date.

Archie, 11/4/09

Mr. Weatherbee’s anger masks his shame at almost being caught surfing for Mr. Weatherbee porn while at work.

Mary Worth, 11/4/09

“That’s right, you don’t have any regrets about your love life, do you Jeff? Jeff? Put down that coffee mug and look at me when I talk to you!”

Apartment 3-G, 11/4/09

OH OH WAIT SHE NEVER HAD ONE OF THOSE

Dick Tracy, 11/3/09

For me, the trajectory of a Dick Tracy storyline goes something like this: first it’s interesting because it’s so hilariously wacky and surreal; then the strip refuses to in any way engage in traditional “storytelling” that “makes sense” and I get irritated and start ignoring it; then the climax, with its promise of unspeakable violence, looms, and I get interested again. In this case, obviously-guilty-from-the-beginning evil clown Mr. Pops is about to be strangled, or ripped in half, or thrown down into a tiger cage and eaten alive, by circus giant/strongman Fee Fi. While it’s true that bad guys in Dick Tracy inevitably die in agony, they generally either perish in ironic accidents while trying to escape or are killed by Dick himself. I wonder therefore about the legal issues that might arise from this act of freelance vigilantism. Or will Dick merely praise the behemoth for his perp-mangling skills? “I like the way Pops’s enormous shoes kicked in terror right before you hurled him to his death! That was a nice little flourish.”

Blondie, 11/3/09

Dagwood should not be worried about the complexity of Elmo’s sidewalk diagram here — after all, what is childhood for if not the creation of elaborate and impractical systems? No, the real issue is his concern for Dagwood’s safety. Any self-respecting American youngster ought to be over the moon with joy at the prospect of two adults running pell-mell into each other face-first and then collapsing to the sidewalk in a heap of slapstick pain. Yet Elmo is determined prevent this hilarious event from recurring. Is this the end result of a generation raised on play dates and non-violent cartoons?

Mark Trail, 11/3/09

Oh my goodness, in my recap of possible Mark Trail plot points, I completely neglected the obvious: Sassy used as gator bait! I certainly hope we continue along these lines when Rusty inevitably comes out in his pajamas to look for his mewling pup. “We may be in luck, fellows … alligators love hideous, deformed little boy meat!”

For once, there’s no further ado … just this week’s top comment.

“I don’t think the Luann writers understand that ‘risotto’ is not just ‘what the gays call rice.’” –teddytoad

And the almost-as-funny runners up!

“I’ve only read Mark Trail for a few months but the sneaky ball cap on Mr. Trail in the first panel — COME ON! It’s as unnatural as making your pets wear clothes. What’s next, a soul patch? Oh, I’m watching you, Elrod.” –Orange Cactus

“Jamaal, you’re my best friend and I value our time together, but can we save the food critique for a time when I’m not being molested by a giant disembodied Jheri-Curl?” –Chyron HR

“I’m highly skeptical of the idea that Crankshaft would even for a moment balk at either hacking something up with a giant knife or participating in an activity the ultimate goal of which is to terrify children.” –Violet

“Nothing builds a sense of community like everyone in the neighborhood gathering round to lynch the couple who gave you loose bowel movements.” –Laocoon

“Crankshaft: ‘What time is it?’ Lady: ‘Five o’clock.’ Crankshaft: ‘Fuck you.’” –Red Greenback describes pretty much every Crankshaft ever published

“Pam’s tragic optimism in panel one just kills me. I mean, just stone cold kills me dead. She cheerfully and enthusiastically asks her father if he wants to carve jack-o-lanterns, hoping he’ll say — what? Perhaps: ‘I’d love to, darling! I realize I was a complete prick as a father, and I can never hope to make up for the damage I’ve done to your self-image, but I hope it’s not too late to show you some of the affection I cruelly withheld from you for decades.’ The only way the ’shaft would ever say that, though, is in sarcasm. Good god, Pam. You’re holding a knife. What are you waiting for?” –Joe Blevins

“I love Bobbie: strung out on her addiction and weary from attempts at emotionally manipulating people she cares nothing for, she still remembers to think ‘whom’. She may be a goofball fiend but she has breeding.” –Cliff Arroyo

“A stint in the Foreign Legion will teach young Cory some discipline. Why not send him off to Crock? It’ll improve both strips.” –Mooncattie

“See, say what you want about Lynn Johnston, but it’s her flying in the face of the gag strips’ general disregard for week-to-week continuity that makes her a treasure. If Herb & Jamaal were so honest it would have to henceforth be called Jamaal & the Guy with the Horribly Scalded and Disfigured Bozac.” –Edgy DC

“The Mommy Wars have made it to Hootin’ Holler. Soon every strip will be about the competition to get Junior into the best one-room schoolhouse the barter-system can buy.” –Mollie

“I think the Spider-Man strip would be a lot better if the next several ones were just actual pages from The Dog in The Fog. And then Spider-Man is defeated by a lead pipe at the end.” –Gnoll

In response to the proposal that Luann and Gunther dress as each other for Halloween: “I dunno, I don’t think even the most exquisitely crafted costume could capture the sheer horror that is Gunther. Or disguise it.” –commodorejohn

“A fiber optic jack-o-lantern? What, are we Episcopalian now?” –PoeWar

“‘And just to show you your little girl’s safe … I downloaded the new iStalk app for my 2-inch-thick iPhone so I can watch everything she does.’ ‘I like this book even better than the other one, Mr. Foghorn. But why are you pointing that camera at my face?’ ‘Stop asking questions. Shut up and read your crappy fake Dr. Seuss books! You’re not paying me enough for this, Bigshot!’” –Bob

“Am I the only one who thinks that it’s horrible that the Sandman’s daughter is called ‘Sandy’? Because that’s horrible.” –AndyL

“It’s fitting that the only porn in the Foobiverse consists of be-wigged muppets.” –yellojkt

“I realize that most of us view the Keanes as a medieval-minded cult of reactionaries, but I have to say that I’m impressed by the amount of obvious trust they’re placing in Billy by arming him with that scythe.” –Alan’s Addiction

“Bobbie, there aren’t enough symbols on the keyboard to describe how badly you need a makeover.” –NoahSnark

“Rocky, on a 10-minute break from his job at the nuclear power plant, talks to his life partner on the phone. They have a small tiff based mainly on Rocky’s insecurities about a horse, which is possibly a euphemism for erectile dysfunction.” –MolyBendum

“Why is Billy dressed as the ghost of Flava Flav?” –Stij

And we must of course give thanks to our advertisers:

• STOMP Off Broadway: Electrify your life with Off-Broadway’s heart-thumping, soul-sizzling phenomenon. STOMP is explosive, sophisticated and sexy. Percussionists fill the stage with powerful rhythms, using everything from matchboxes, garbage cans, Zippo lighters, and hubcaps. The New York Times calls STOMP “Irresistible!”
• Nice Jewish Guys: Move over, firemen, there’s a new calendar boy in town. Okay, not quite as hunky — but oh so funny. You gotta check this out and laugh your butt off.
• Advertise your t-shirts here: Find out more about the BlogAds t-shirt hive! Connect with young adults eager to sport your shirts! Reaching a tremendously expansive audience at a very low cost, the BlogAds T-Shirt Hive is comprised of a well-rounded set of over 30 social media elite blogs, who speak to a young hip male and female audience of clothing enthusiasts. These readers are seeking back to school threads, everyday wear and tear shirts, and any clothes that are stylish or humorous.

To find out more about advertising on this site, click here.

Luann, 11/2/09

Have you guys heard about the new Lars van Trier movie, Antichrist? In the opening sequence, a couple known only as “He” and “She” (played by Willem Dafoe and Charlotte Gainsbourg) get it on in sexy black-and-white slo-mo, and while they are so distracted, their little son climbs out the window and falls to his death. They are tortured by this, psychologically, and later literally! According to rumors on the Internets (and stop reading if you’re some kind of Lars van Trier aficionado or something), there is extensive genital mutilation along the way to the horrifying ending.

Anyway, nothing I’ve heard about this movie has caused me to change my opinion that Lars van Trier is a loathsome sadist, but upon reading this strip I can begin to see the appeal of such a plot line. If you’ll allow me to project: Brad and Toni engage in intimate congress on the couch the moment TJ leaves on his onion run; against all of our expectations about Brad, it lasts longer than seven minutes; TJ’s risotto (his “baby”) is burned (“killed”); TJ returns and crushes Brad’s testicles with a block of wood. This will all be part of a long-range and ultimately successful strategy to make TJ the strip’s most sympathetic character.

Spider-Man, 11/2/09

And speaking of characters for whom we should or should not harbor sympathy, have we mentioned lately that Spider-Man is an self-centered douchebag? Here is his latest scheme: he wants to convince Sandman, whom he defeated in super-combat some time ago and who has since gone straight, to engage in simulated combat in New York, so he can photograph it and sell said photographs to the Daily Bugle. Never mind the damage this will do to Sandman’s already dodgy reputation; our theoretical protagonist isn’t even bothering to pay the poor guy for his trouble! We are left to wonder who’s the worst offender: Spider-Man, for demanding that Sandman go along with his journalistic hoax, or Bigshot, for kidnapping Sandman’s daughter and threatening to harm her unless Sandman robs a bank. OK, sure, promising harm to little girls is pretty bad, but consider the fact that Bigshot is a comically preening villain named “Bigshot,” who is almost certainly constitutionally incapable of better, whereas Spider-Man is, ostensibly, a hero. Or at least he was until this week! Maybe this is the Spider-Man newspaper strip’s attempt to wade into Alan Moore-style moral ambiguity, which ought to be extremely hilarious.

Gil Thorp, 11/2/09

“I’m 5-5, Valerie. I’m easy to miss! Especially because you’re, what, seven feet tall? Eight? Is volleyball even challenging to you? Argh, no, don’t step on me!”

Mary Worth, 11/2/09

Meanwhile, in one of those “Gift of the Magi”-type things, Adrian has decided that, to live in solidarity with her comatose beloved who will never be able to perceive this beautiful world again, she will be disabling all of her senses as well. Scott is opening his eyes just as Adrian is in the process of ripping out hers.

Pluggers, 11/2/09

Thank goodness, the plugopalypse has been averted! Unfortunately the use of the elitist neologism “snail mail” will only cause further problems for our overburdened postal system, as the official Pluggers P.O. box becomes encrusted with slime from all the actual snails mailed in by confused pluggers everywhere.