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THOROUGHLY, Tommy, every nook and cranny, I mean it

The Phantom, 7/30/16

In the non-monastery-based Phantom Kids Go Off To School plot, the Phantom’s daughter Heloise is at her fancy boarding school in New York with her new roommate, who is, unbeknownst to anyone, the daughter of her father’s mysterious arch-nemesis, Eric Sahara, the Nomad! The girls are anxiously feeling each other about their fathers and the nebulous sources of vast wealth that allow them to attend an expensive private school. Don’t feel awkward or out of place, girls: you’re mingling with the children of New York City’s elite! Plenty of your classmates’ parents have killed people. Mostly they’ve killed them by firing them so they don’t have health insurance anymore, but still.

Mary Worth, 7/30/16

Vicodin®: It Can Help You Clean Up An Explosive Diarrhea Situation™! Ask your doctor if Vicodin is right for you, your family, and your sandwich eatery that maybe has a little more E. coli in the meat than is strictly ideal.

Metapost: Your week’s top comments

Without any ado whatsoever: your comment of the week!

‘Self-help can be a slippery slope.’ Mary is talking about masturbation? It is masturbation, right?” –Nancy Russo

And your runners up! Very funny!

“Was it really necessary for that poor UPX driver to drag that stupid package up a flight of stairs? So much better to leave the life-sized Doctor Doom in the front window of Montoni’s, where it will serve as a reminder of what the pizza is doing to the customer’s colons.” –Joe Blevins

“Be sure to arrive early at that Mudhens game! Everyone who comes in late will get TWO Crankshaft bobbleheads.” –Peanut Gallery

“Clearly this Elihas Starr is up to no good. He refers to the Daily Bugle as ‘esteemed.’” –BigTed

“And in news from the tribal area of Pakistan, 42 people attending a wedding were badly overfed when a U.S. pizza drone mistakenly launched a pepperoni and onion barrage.” –Voshkod

“Let’s grab him and bring him to a meeting of Children of Alcoholics. Because this sorry little asshole needs a PROGRAM!” –word-doctor

“I can answer all of Josh’s questions in one answer: The purple thing is the Goldfishes’ robotic body.” –Pak-Man

“As if we need more evidence that Tommy is shiftless and irresponsible: he leaves the milk out on the table while he eats breakfast! His mother should have taught him better, but she was too busy with her book-learning.” –Arabella

This one panel does a fine job of capturing the degradation of addiction, with details like his addle-brained eating of children’s cereal, losing the will to shave and sitting around in an undershirt while one’s mother — your own mother, you bum! — goes off to work hard. Somehow, though, all that wasn’t enough. Somebody said, ‘If people are really going to get that he’s a slave of prescription painkillers, we have to show Tommy caressing the bottle and reading take two tablets at mealtime as needed over and over, lovingly, for as long as this story arc goes on.'” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

I lost my watch here in this in-between realm where only my bed and a you, me, and Otto seem to exist. Hey Sarge, how long are they going to be doing those inter-dimensional experiments here at Camp Swampy? I lost my watch. I lost my watch. I lost my watch.” –Chareth Cutestory

“Why does Bitsy hate the squirrel? Is it the squirrel’s freedom? Some displaced thanatophobia? ‘How dare this squirrel continue to live, after I have died! The arrogance! The unmitigated gall!’ Why stop at the squirrel, Bitsy? Why stop at the squirrel.” –bunivasal

“Of course Ed is lucky. He’s offended countless people. He’s committed god knows how many felonies. He has yet to pay for any of his actions.” –Liam

“I’m a bit put off by Billy saying ‘father’ instead of ‘daddy’ like he’s suddenly the heir to old money.” –Naked Bunny with a Whip

“Yes, Billy: your dad does have a wallet but he also has a son without any bankable skills. Back to the bench, kid.” –pugfuggly

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I think that kid in the back is eating his wallet

Family Circus, 7/29/16

This whole week of Billy at camp, dangerously self-actualized and unwilling to put up with any degree of camp-related bullshit whatsoever, has almost transformed him in my mind into the hero we need. Look at the way he’s striding confidently out of the craft area! The best part is that he got most of the way through making his wallet, so his exit has maximum effect. Billy could make a wallet, he’s totally capable of making one, but he chooses not to, because it’s unnecessary. He’s like a damn Ayn Rand protagonist at this point.

Mark Trail, 7/29/16

At last, Mark Trail has unleashed the “Mark and Cherry are lounging around in swimsuits” strip to respond to the famous “Rex and June are lounging around in their underwear” Rex Morgan, M.D. strip. The Rex Morgan strip ran more than eight years ago, because soap opera strip feuds are just as slow-moving as actual soap opera strips.

Crankshaft, 7/29/16

Good news! Crankshaft’s dying!