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Saturday quickies

Crankshaft, 5/23/15

Philosophical question for you: if you derive joy from seeing Crankshaft so emotionally devastated that he’s thrown a towel over his head so that nobody can see him sobbing uncontrollably, are you as bad as Crankshaft? Asking for a friend.

Mary Worth, 5/23/15

“For instance, we’re probably too old to have children, but that doesn’t mean we can’t nurture this horrifying stuffed dog I won for you at the fair! We’ll treat like it’s our very own and force all our friends to stare into its uncanny face, and won’t even have to pay to send it to college!”

Slylock Fox, 5/23/15

Speaking of uncanny faces, check out these cats! Which two are exactly alike? Why not examine them intently until you can figure it out, or until you pass out while sweating and crying uncontrollably, whichever comes first?

Metapost: Comments, we got yer hot comments here

Hi all! Just FYI to those who gave in the spring fundraiser, I sent another wave of tote bags out earlier this week, so hopefully many of you will have received those by now! I am just waiting on some new magnets to finish up sending rewards. Thanks for your patience!

One thing you won’t have to wait for any longer: This week’s top comment!

“Archie looks panicked and distraught at the suggestion that his mother is easily amused. ‘Oh no! What little street cred I have is based on my mother’s legendary attitude of jaded detachment!’” –Peanut Gallery

The very funny runners up are also here for your amusement!

“The Hootin Hollerites laugh, knowing that being ‘off-grid’ will make it much easier for them to survive the inevitable collapse of society. They’re not backwards, they’re just early adopters for the post-apocalypse!” –TheDiva

“Unsurprisingly, Thel prepares for the annual disappointment of Mother’s Day with enough quaaludes to keep her off the ground for weeks. She’s been talking to that dial tone for hours now.” –pugfuggly

“TERRY FEELS *JOY* DAMMIT THIS IS A JOYFUL FACE DO YOU HEAR” –Paul Acciavatti, on Facebook

“I never noticed it before, but going on appearances alone, Ruff might be Dennis’ real father. Dennis is not only a menace but also the unholy dogboy spawn of beast and man, an abomination that consists mostly recessive genes.” –sporknpork

“Terry Bryson is a personal security genius. She’s been stuck with this obsessive stalker. Restraining orders mean nothing to him: with his training, he comes and goes in the wind. Physical violence just vindicates him, as we’ve seen him wear his crippling for the Senator as a badge of honor. No, the best way to shake him is to be the biggest asshole you can. Get him in as many situations as you can where you get to yell WHEE! in his ear. Ugh.” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“I’m glad to see, though, that the prospect of the dishes doesn’t stop Mary from eating dinner during the geezer-approved dinner hour of 4 to 5 pm, just as though she were living in that waiting-to-die place up the street with Sean and whatshername.” –sally

“Ah, the most terrifying of coasters, the one that travels in a gentle arc that is all but indiscernible from a straight line. Maybe he was ughing out of sheer boredom.” –Matthew

RMMD: “Why the fuck is the mob moll’s lawyer suddenly on an anti-bullying crusade? Does he realize that the money he is paid by Mrs. Pierpont is raised almost exclusively through bullying?” –Calvin’s Cardboard Box

“Pluggers have the same understanding of adult terms and relationships as the Keane Kids. Did one species mutate from the other, or is this an example of convergent evolution?” –Droopy Says

“Occam’s Razor, Josh. It’s possible that Herb’s carpet is littered with corpses, but the more elegant explanation is that Herb’s wife will straight up murder him if he doesn’t put down his coffee and do some damn housework for a change.” –wonkeythemonkey

“Pluggers frequently reject federal safety net programs, despite workplace conditions that can shear a rhino’s finger clean off his hand.” –Dan

Mary Worth: “My new favorite character is Uncaring Carny in the first panel. How many times a day does he have to listen to some pathetic guy try to prove his manhood by ‘winning something’ for his lady friend? Yeah, buddy, she’s gonna want to have sex with you once you hand her that pink, badly stuffed, made-in-China, highly flammable tiger or lion or whatever the fuck it’s supposed to be. And she’ll act as though he’s gone out and slain that tiger himself instead of forking over a buck and scoring a lucky pitch. And after a day of that bullshit, Uncaring Carny will go back to his greasy trailer, pop open a cheap beer, and jack off to thoughts of that one chick with the tube top that kept slipping down, and he’ll drift off to sleep still sitting in that fourth-hand broken recliner, hoping someday to get promoted to running the Tilt-a-Whirl, where the guys have contests to see how many little kids they can make puke up their cotton candy.” –bourbonbabe, unbuckled

“I didn’t know Heathcliff could get angry. He’s normally only capable of but one emotion: ‘psychotically whimsical.’” –Jack loves comics

“Ma Keane watched Billy as he carefully chose from the identical bags of spinach, a wretched pun clearly forming in his melon head like a distant storm forms on the horizon. ‘I could do it here, just crush him with a sack of potatoes, nobody would ever know. Oh officer it was terrible, the shelves fell right on him. I’d be free. Finally free.’” –Escape Zeppelin

“No hard feelings? Not bloody likely. True Standish is so ashamed, he’s contemplating the priesthood. Look, he’s already wearing the top half of the outfit, and besides, is there a more mellifluous title than Reverend Standish? I think not!” –made of wince

“Grampy may have forgotten what year he and his wife were married, but as panel two demonstrates, he’ll never forget how to ‘walk like an Egyptian.’ Man, the ’80s were a crazy decade in Hootin’ Holler. So much coke. That’s why Grampy looks so haggard. He’s actually only in his mid-50s.” –Joe Blevins

“He knows, Lukey thought. He knows everything. About the little plot of ground behind the cabin where he kept his still. About the missing government revenuers. About the missing tourists who spoke fancy like a government revenuer. His sadness that his best friend would soon join them was overwhelming.” –Comrade Dread

“Ya know, the truth, Lukey. I am yer father!!’ ‘Nay!!!! That’s nary possible!’ ‘Look in yer innards. Ya know is dang true!’” –Little Blue Bicycle

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! If you’d like to buy advertising on the site, you can do so on a CPM basis through BuySellAds. To find out more, you can go to my BuySellAds page or just click here.

Bird poop isn’t supposed to be that color, right

Six Chix, 5/22/15

So, wait … is the turtle on the right a “drama queen” because it pulled its head into its shell for protection as inky black bird feces rained down from above? Or is the turtle on the left just the type to blame others for whatever misfortune befalls them? I genuinely will be puzzling over the meaning of this bizarre, grotesque cartoon all weekend, thanks a lot.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 5/22/15

Oh, man, Lukey’s crumpled face in panel two kind of kills me. “He’s right! I’m a flawed and fundamentally unlovable person, and soon everyone’s going to know the truth about how bad I am!”