Lots of people like cake, you know. Really like cake. Very few of them use this like of cake as the ideological basis for an independent cake-empire, which declares its separation from the insufficiently cake-worshipping polity to which it previous owed allegiance and then presumably goes on to aggressively impose cake-adoration on its unwilling neighbors. Heathcliff, as ever, does not do anything by half measures.
Oh, goodie, it’s been months since Crankshaft journeyed to New York to make vaguely New York-themed puns! But first, in today’s third panel, we’re treated to the precise moment when Pam gives up on trying to make her dad love her.
“With the Kingpin in custody” is kind of an obscure way to say “Now that we’ve finished having surreptitious beach-sex, let’s talk loudly and ostentatiously about our supposed romantic entanglements with women,” but I don’t want to tell you guys how to live your lives.
Somewhere, deep down in the bowels of my long-term memory, there’s a little glimmer that tells me that, yes, Heathcliff’s father has always been a notorious hardened criminal in the strip. I’m not sure what the significance is of the fact that he wears his prison uniform even as he walks the streets a free man. Are we meant to understand that he’s only just escaped from the joint and hasn’t had time to change yet? Is this an act of defiance against the government that once put him behind bars? Mostly his uniform just serves to draw uncomfortable attention to the fact that Heathcliff is walking around stark naked.
Dennis the Menace, 6/16/13
A rare double menace from Dennis today! In the throwaway panels, he waits until Margaret comes into earshot before letting everyone know that he doesn’t like her and is only hanging out with her for her cooking; and then he uses this twee little Father’s Day exercise as a chance to inform the other children that his father loves his family, unlike theirs, who will take any excuse to get away from them and enjoy their “hobbies,” alone.
Mary Worth, 6/16/13
Haha, the look on Beth’s face in the final panel is priceless and has made this entire storyline worth it. “Tom! Wait, you want to … what? We never … no. No. Not in front of … are you kidding me, Tom?”
Panels from Rex Morgan, M.D., 6/16/13
Sorry, everybody, I have been remiss in keeping you up to date with Rex Morgan, M.D.! Anyway, remember when Sarah wanted to sell her horsey art, for money? Well, now an actual museum wants to buy that horsey art, to use in a gift shop book! It was way too easy. “Wow … that was too easy!” thinks Sarah. She’s right. Sarah can smell a trap anywhere.
Pluggers don’t understand that the structure of our global capitalist system ensures that fluctuations in equities and derivatives markets have major and sometimes painful results in the real day-to-day economic life of ordinary citizens. Also, they are very clumsy and often bump into things.
So it’s June 15 and I think it’s safe to say that the spring Gil Thorp lawsuit storyline isn’t ever going to get interesting, but I do think that an ending in which the Jarbo family wins its case because the sue-y guy who fell down got his gas stations mixed up is at least suitably farcical. Wouldn’t … wouldn’t this have come to light during the discovery process? I mean, I’m neither a lawyer nor someone foolish enough to expect Gil Thorp plots to mirror reality in any way, but … DAMN IT I THINK THIS WOULD HAVE GOTTEN SORTED OUT AT SOME POINT PRIOR TO THE ACTUAL TRIAL.
This is just your reminder that Dagwood is so dedicated to not being a normal husband who showers that he literally does not have a shower in his house. Also, he is a crazy person.
DAD RELAX IT’S CALLED A SUICIDE PACT OK IF YOU DON’T SEE THE ROMANCE IN DYING TOGETHER IN A TWISTED HEAP OF METAL AND AGONY THEN IT’S NO WONDER YOU’VE NEVER UNDERSTOOD ME
Your comment of the week is hopefully all you’d hoped and dreamed:
“I always assumed that ‘How are the otters today’ was one of those greetings men make to one another when women are not present.” –Lumaca Morente
Your runners up are also very hilarious:
“WHAT is going on with Lu Ann’s hair in panel 2? It looks like her wig is wearing a wig.” –Herr Komerad Kommissar Denny
“Notice the little twirl the ice-cream-truck guy gave that fudgcicle. I think this is less a knighting and more some sort of bizarre induction ritual into the International Fraternal Order of Faceless Monstrosities.” –Drewbear
“Charlemagne’s decision to have the Pope coronate him established the Vatican as a major political player for the next 700 years. Today’s Heathcliff is far more disturbing.” –Nekrotzar
“…I found where they printed his expiration date. I also found his bar code. They’re pricing him at $2.99 a pound! The Earth is just a farm, and we’re just livestock! So, anyway, I’m fattening him up for the kill. Maybe I can make a little money off this, ya’know?” –Voshkod
“The otters are doing fine. More than fine. As you’ll see, they are now each four feet tall and gazing around with their new, horrible skull faces at the corrupt world that once dared to hurt them. Someday they will descend on society, leaving bloody destruction in their wake, disemboweling anyone who has the gall to invite someone on a fishing trip knowing full well they are going to back out of it like a flaky, emotionally distant son of a … I’m sorry, what was the question again? Right. Otters. Doing great.” –Tophat
“Hello, Mr. McKay, thank you for coming to court today. Quick question though, is your suit actually a cylindrical robot torso painted to look like a suit? Its just always good to know if we’re dealing with a robo-lawyer in the courtroom.” –Chareth Cutestory
“Is ‘Professor Herb’ a recurring character in Gasoline Alley, or did he and his botany lab magically appear in answer to Slim’s parsley crisis? Maybe this is all a dream Slim is having, where all his neighbors are unsettlingly evocative of food items, and then Slim eats them.” –damanoid
“Sadly, grandpa plugger has to get his weathergirl jollies from his old 19-inch TV, which, ironically, is balanced on top of the high-def big screen in a magnificent wooden cabinet that his adult children bought him, but that he’s too proud to admit he can’t figure out how to turn on.” –BigTed
Funky Winkerbean: “He was going to take us all on; me, a nerd with sideburns, my lame-ass wife, and his pregnant-looking, afro-having girlfriend. I have no proof of this, plus I’m a million years old and Frank will undoubtedly deny the whole thing and still go on with that horrible reality show that no network will ever buy, anyway. Welp. Can I have those graham crackers you promised me, please?” –notmydesk
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One thing I keep meaning to mention in regard to whatever era of Archie reruns we’re getting right now is that they all seem to include a one-off mini-punchline in the first panel. I love them not because they’re funny (they’re never funny) but because they go completely unacknowledged by all the other characters, which I think I’m justified as interpreting as silent and withering contempt on their part. Jughead’s ill-will here is particularly well justified. “Archie, I’m in the middle of setting up an elaborate visual gag, I don’t need your wordplay.”
Apartment 3-G, 6/14/13
“I know everything. Why?” is a pretty sad statement about Margo’s omniscience. Sure, her infinitely expansive mind encompasses all the solid facts that make up our universe’s information-sum. But she’s still incapable of understanding the reasons behind the facts, requiring her to actually come out and interact with Lu Ann rather than just relaxing in bed with a bottle of gin and a vibrator.
So this bewhiskered he-plugger is staring with cross-eyed intensity at the hot weathervixen on the evening news. Are you glad that the TV and its stand block our view of his crotch and left hand, so that you don’t have to see what’s going on down there? Or are you sad that we can’t see, because your awful, filthy mind can’t help but fill in the blanks in the most unsettling way possible? Either way, HAVE A GOOD WEEKEND, EVERYBODY
Gasoline Alley, 6/13/13
Gasoline Alley’s current plotline involves the contemptible Slim being left to his own devices after his wife travelled to Hawaii without him, but things seem to be looking up as he heads upstairs to accidentally stumble upon his neighbor’s marijuana home-grow operation.
Moreover, where does he get the sycophants who laugh uproariously as he savagely beats the uncannily accurate depiction of his owner dangling lifelessly from a limb chosen for its maximum visibility from the house?
Mary Worth, 6/13/13
Pretty sure that even at this moment of sudden and terrible self-knowledge Elinor doesn’t consider herself a “creature,” Narration Box. This sort of needless editorializing is why so many of us don’t trust the mainstream media anymore.
Gil Thorp, 6/13/13
“You OK, Jimmy?”
“Of course I’m not OK, coach! There’s some monstrously huge hand-thing crawling up my chest! Augh, now it’s reaching for my neck! Get it off me, for the love of God, get it off me!”