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Ha ha, it’s funny because they put cookies on their genitals

Mary Worth, 2/28/15

Is this … is this the ending? The ending of this storyline? A mother and daughter shake hands while sitting amongst the boxes, having both found men to solve all their problems? A daughter makes vague promises to “help move,” probably involving browbeating the landscapers from her husband’s vast estate, and a mother makes vague promises to “help with the wedding,” which certainly doesn’t mean financial help and probably refers to picking out flowers or bridesmaids dresses or something? Also, the mother is going blind? Let’s not forget that the mother is going blind and that the flowers and bridesmaids dresses will be even more hideous than usual. Little Gordon sits on the floor, entirely lost in his electronic world. This is the delightfully transactional ending this story deserves.

Dennis the Menace, 2/28/15

Hmm, Dennis’s teacher takes him aside after class, as if to gently correct him privately, but makes sure to do it while the other children are still in earshot, so that they can snicker at his ignorance! I’d say the menace has become the menaced, except that Dennis managed to get a Sunday School lesson to linger on nudity and shame, so maybe he’s playing a much deeper game here.

Beetle Bailey, 2/28/15

Ha ha, it’s funny because nobody likes Sarge, and it’s breaking his heart!

Metapost: Delicious comments of the week

I just looked out my window at 8:45 am and saw a lady walking down the middle of the street stone cold eating popcorn out of a giant tin. On this Friday, let us all resolve to be as devil-may-care, shall we? And let’s all aspire to the humor levels of this comment of the week:

“It’s the end of the first quarter, and you’re already busing out the ‘Max Bacon is sizzling’ line? As fun a name as that is, there’s not really too many directions you can go with it, especially not in the positive. ‘We’re at the half, and Max Bacon is killing the visitors like high sodium and cholesterol!’ ‘Third Quarter is up, and Max Bacon is hot like a grease fire!’ ‘The game is up, and if one thing’s for certain, it’s that Central wishes they were kosher right now … or something … Bacon, right?’” –pugfuggly

These runners up are also extremely funny!

“Now, Rusty, most people don’t find insects all that appealing. But as I’m a nature journalist and you’re a … whatever the hell you are, we have a deeper understanding of the wonders of the natural — Goddamnit, Rusty! Could you stop shoveling bugs down your gullet for one second? I’m trying to have a serious conversation with you, here!” –rbmalpha

“I love it that Momma now takes place in an alternate universe where the former Presidents of the United States are all still alive and just kind of hang out these days. It’s a fantastic literary conceit. Lincoln was laid-back, like some cool stoner uncle you only see at family reunions and weddings. Washington, however, is obviously more tense, and you can see why. He apparently has to be on living display 24-7 at some tacky D.C. tourist trap, balancing precariously in his three-legged chair while idiot tourists just barge in and evaluate him. Valley Forge was nothing compared to this!” –Joe Blevins

“Does no one find it disturbing that Gordon grew nine inches and about 50 pounds between panel one and panel two? Was he bitten by a radioactive middle-aged man at some point, and this is some kind of superpower?” –Damian

Hi honey, you look disheveled and beaten down, you’re uttering expressions of weary drudgery, and the kitchen is a tableau of chaos. That’s … good, I guess? Interpreting visual and vocal cues is not my strong suit.” –TheDiva

“Coming up: Max claims to have a medical reason for taking Adderall. Marty pushes this version of events under the slogan ‘Cured Bacon.’” –Horace Boon

“Amy’s ‘big news’ is that her lawyer assured her that the competency hearings on her mother will be just a formality, especially since the judge has been ‘dating’ Amy all these weeks. Involuntary commitment for Hanna, here we come!” –Shrug

“Did I miss the comic where Mary was the cause of Amy and Dave getting engaged, or is that going to be told in flashback? There is no third possibility.” –A Concerned Reader

I saved your life! Of course, I also caused you to fall in the first place! But then again, you shouldn’t have been out there trying to kill me in the zeroth place! But in the negative oneth place, I shouldn’t have done whatever the hell it is that you want to kill me for!” –Hogenmogen

Sounds reasonable, but you might want to get a second opinion from a registered cardiologist, Martha, just to be sure. Take it from me, you don’t want your main source of medical advice to be a five-year-old. Or anybody with ‘the Menace’ in their name, for that matter. Except Dr. Stanley ‘the Menace’ Gottlieb — he’s all right.” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“So the supervillain with all of the wacky, cutting edge technology resorts to a boring old handgun? I hope Spider-Man mocks him when the gun misfires and then Mysterio beats him to death with it.” –Mikey

“Leroy is a vampire! Or an idiot. Whichever.” –Nekrotzar

“MOMMA HAS MASTERED TELEPATHIC THOUGHT SUGGESTION, FREUDIAN IMPULSES AND PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE GUILT SHALL REIGN SUPREME” –Dan

“Okay, ‘Dave’ is obviously a psychological coping mechanism. This storyline can’t not end with Amy standing over Sean’s body with a bloody knife with some quote from Rumi in the corner.” –Matt Algren on Facebook

“If I blow on them all, Dolly, I’ll run out of curare darts. I only have ten shots … well, nine, now … and P.J.’s a slippery one. So just relax, Sis, this won’t hurt much.” –Voshkod

“Did Ayn Rand have giant Popeye arms in real life, or is this an idealized rendition of her?” –Chyron HR

“Dolly referring to a collection of objects that make harsh, shrill noises as a ‘family’ seems about right.” –nescio

This conclusion tells me this entire Mary Worth plotline is some surreal, nihilistic performance art piece. Hanna fecklessly commits herself to ill-advised romance that could cause deep rifts in her established personal life, only to find that those same careless, shallow motives exist in everyone, rendering moot the consequences of her decisions. And we have uncanny valley Gordon, whose appearance in this strip resembles that of a ventriloquist dummy (who effectively says and does nothing), indicative that all responsibility in this world is hollow and meaningless. Goddamn this is dark.” –HAnzMFG

“I hope the rest of Newspaper Spider-Man is just Spidey pulling an infinite succession of masks off Mysterio. Until finally he reaches his own face, and with horror peels that off to reveal a radiant globe of pure light that envelops the entire universe.” –C. Sandy Cyst

“No, my Ichthyoid companion, I feel no terror. For months we have been trapped together within this tiny bowl with no space to swim, no chance to breathe free in the water, no chance for new experiences or new friends. Our only companion one another and the horrible weight of our thoughts brought upon us by the mysterious and cursed sentience that God or science has been bestowed upon us to recognize the horror of our day to day existence and the meaninglessness of it all and no one to recognize our plight or cares to render us aid. I feel no terror. I feel only relief.” –Comrade Dread

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His hands are still yellow under the gloves! Are there multiple glove-layers too?

Spider-Man, 2/27/15

Hahaha, thank you, Spider-Man, thank you for wrapping up this storyline in the most pointlessly absurd way possible. There’s nothing about this that I don’t adore. I love that the potential dramatic purpose of Mysterio’s double-masking is undercut by the strip revealing the truth after only one panel, and I sincerely hope the reasons behind it are never discussed or even mentioned. I love the fact that the “Dash” Dashell mask is presumably fixed in that glum expression. I love that he’s got glasses perched on top of the mask, and that those glasses apparently have transition lenses. I love the weird grimace Beck is making as the mask comes off, which is actually the sort of face you’d make if you were wearing a fishbowl full of water over a latex mask. I love the fact that all this time we’ve been set up to think that Rory McCormick, the douchey special effects guy, is Mysterio, but it turns out to be some other dude we’ve never even heard of before this point. The only way I could possibly be happier would be if Spidey pulled off the Quentin Beck mask only to discover McCormick’s face underneath.

Gil Thorp, 2/27/15

Basketball manager/secret coaching prodigy Bobby Howley was gently admonished by Gil at the beginning of this storyline for acting more like a coach than a manager, and since then Gil and Coach Kaz and Coach Mrs. Coach Thorp have appeared not at all, while Bobby has dished out basketball and/or pharmaceutical advice to boys and girls alike. Today, however, we see the limits of his keen mind: while he may see the basketball court as an easily solved equation, clearly that triangular shape of a piece of pizza has got him in over his head. “Well, I can easily fit this end of this slice into my mouth, so I can just keep chewing my way all the way to the crust in one go … WAIT NO TOO WIDE ABORT ABORT ABORT”

Rex Morgan, M.D., 2/27/15

June is having a hard time figuring out how not to pay attention to Sarah, and Rex is happy to help! “You’ve been busy, but I haven’t, but I still have no idea what she’s doing! Say, don’t we have somewhere to be? Somewhere that doesn’t involve Sarah at all?”

Heathcliff, 2/27/15

It’s funny because the fish feels a twinge of terror because Heathcliff is openly declaring his intention to kill and eat him.