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Saturday one-liners

Judge Parker, 10/10/15

“He’s got some nerve, thinking this story is all about him, just because he’s a famous musician that people enjoy reading about, and also is providing 100% of the operating capital for the company!”

Mark Trail, 10/10/15


Funky Winkerbean, 10/10/15

Someone to help you lug the crushing pile of stone that is your life from place to place: the Funkyverse’s version of happiness.

Metapost: Sketchy comments of the week

Hello everybody! Your COTW coming momentarily, but first I must put out a call to those of you who live in or near Los Angeles: On Wednesday, October 14, at 6:30 pm, my Sketch 301 class at Upright Citizens Brigade will be performing our class show at UCB Franklin at 5919 Franklin Avenue! All of the sketches in the show are extremely funny, including the ones I wrote, and the actors are awesome as well. As soon as publish this post I gotta run out and buy some wigs for one of my sketches, so you know HOLLYWOOD GLAMOUR IS IN FULL EFFECT. Please come! It’s like $5 so, like, literally you can’t afford NOT go go. Here is the Facebook event!

Anyway, almost as funny as any sketch show is this week’s top comment!

‘I’m Eric Mills, and I’m afraid there’s more’ should be made the default opener for rap battles from now until the end of time.” –Wonkey the Monkey

The runners up are also hilarious!

How tasteful not to include them eating John the Baptist’s head.” –lrubinko, on Tumblr

“Josh, you forget she is now officially a Parker-Spencer-Driver. Right now women all over the Balkans are queueing up to hand over their newborns to April.” –Zerowolf

“This conversation about ‘closets full of cute tops,’ addiction, and the need for even more tops plays out every night on Grindr.” –Gabacho

“Wikipedia describes Six Chix as ‘a collaborative comic strip … drawn by six female cartoonists.’ It debuted in 2000, only 15 years ago, which in comic strip terms makes it practically a zygote. Given these facts, plus the sassy alternate spelling of ‘chix’ (way to take back the word!), one might think that this feature would be of a sassy, progressive nature with a gentle yet unmistakable feminist tone. But no. The premise of this Sunday strip is that women do, in fact, be shopping. The prophecy of Reggie Warrington has come to pass.” –Joe Blevins

“Whoa, April plans to get pregnant and have child by the end of the year. This will no doubt be THE story on the comics page, in, oh, 2027? Assuming daily serial comics and womb-based fetus development are still a ‘thing’ then.” –pugfuggly

“While Slylock meddles with the right of owning a treasure taken from the sea, a bird is kidnapping a fish from the sea to devour it. Probably each class of animals had different interests during the initial uprising, but, like the French revolution, the first animal revolution has been turned into the affirmation of property rights. Our foxy Robespierre can be ruthless in the delivery of justice, but like his human predecessor he holds private property holy. Who will be animal Gracchus Babeuf?” –Ettore Costa, on Facebook

“Dear God, Slylock and Max’s expressions made my blood ran cold. I have no idea what it is they expect Earl Elephant to do to Shady Shrew, but it’s clearly going to transcend the bounds of regular Slylock-Fox-&-Comics-For-Kids tomfoolery. At least that adorable tiny sailor hat will take the edge off a bit when he starts pistol-whipping Shady in the face with a live crab.” –Jack loves comics

“The looks on everyone’s faces pretty much tell the whole story. Shady’s bad reputation stems from the fact that he compulsively humps any inanimate object that captures his fancy.” –made of wince

“I like that Tommie’s written the address on a dollar bill. Bus fare, right?” –lumaca morente

“Years from now when Cindy is no longer a desirable, objectifiable woman and has thereby exhausted her usefulness in Funky Winkerbean, Mason’s children will discover a long lost videotape: ‘Clearly you are someone who has grown to become attractive to Mason, and I hate you a little for that. But I also love you for realizing how special his abs are.’” –K.M.

You know you’re a grandmother when you are a female whose offspring have had offspring of their own. Not only is it true, it’s funnier than anything Marvin will do with the concept.” –C. Sandy Cyst

“This man came to our house at three in the morning and held up a piece of paper — our name and address hand-written on the back of a receipt from the Dildo Emporium. He told us that our daughter had a thyroid condition. For the few minutes we were talking we were in the living room, on a street corner, in a restaurant and then back in the living room, but this time all the furniture was reversed. So, doctor: Ambien refill, please. I want to see how this comes out.” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“A neat, simply designed panel, and yet it manages to incorporate at least two phallic symbols. Sigmund would be proud.” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“I love that to get Sheezix’s rant out, an okayish punchline has been stuck in a tiny speech bubble in the first panel to die.” –Horace Broon

“As the blood clot lodged itself in a blood vessel near the occipitotemporal junction of Mr. Magee’s brain, the surrounding tissues were starved of oxygen. Within seconds, contours became indistinct, objects bled into one another, sounds merged, smells blended. All around him, the hurried cadence of Fifth Avenue faded into a cloud of agnosia. He felt his own face blur, and the face of the man in front of him blurred too. His face was Magee’s face. ‘That sounds familiar,” said Mr. Magee, smiling a thin, crooked smile. Everything was familiar.” –Viscount

‘Uh … how is Kelly posing?’ ‘Awkwardly splayed, of course! What’s your hangup?’” –Doctor Handsome

“Pluggers are impressed by their ability to sleep in their underwear. Or to stand up and drink coffee at the same time. Or tie a knot so their drawstring pants don’t fall around their cankles. You’re a plugger if you know how to set the bar low and not trip over it.” –Droopy Says

“Here’s a fun game. Replace the word ‘polar’ in today’s strip with something that pairs nicely with the ‘bi’ in today’s strip. I’ll start us off with ‘planekin’. Mason Jarr is just a sentient biplane trapped in a human body.” –rbmalpha

I’m talking to a friend of Margo. But he’s on the other side of you! And he looks just like me! SHAZAM! Anyway, thank you for attending our magic show, honey. The twin scam was kind of a long con, but it was worth … the prestige!” –Dan

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! And let’s give thanks to our advertisers:

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Friday quickies

Apartment 3-G, 10/9/15

Oh man, kind of a bummer that Margo’s mom’s psychic Latina (?) powers worked to save her daughter’s dumb roommate but not her daughter! Though maybe that’s because, as you can tell by comparing that strip from 2007 to this one, Margo’s mother has been replaced by someone else entirely.

Funky Winkerbean, 10/9/15

Gotta assume that Mason is towards the depressive end of his bipolar cycle, and was just overcome with exhaustion and ennui such that he had to pause for a few seconds between the syllables “bipolar” to gather his energy. Because otherwise Cindy would’ve just blurted something out in mid-word, and that doesn’t make any sense at all!

Pluggers, 10/9/15

Pluggers don’t just give companies money in exchange for goods or services; they construct an identity by conspicuously displaying loyalty to their favorite brands. Pluggers, so silly, amiright? (Haha, just kidding, we all construct our identities out of our relationships with corporate entities to one degree or another. The matrix of capitalism is inescapable!)

Hi and Lois, 10/9/15

Haha, fellas, turns out if you want to have a romantic relationship with someone you have to do things that interest them! Women, whaddyagonnado?

Heathcliff, 10/9/15

As that coin hit the water deep in the wishing well, all across the world, all at once, the innumerable cloacae of innumerable birds squeezed shut forever. A few hours later, the birds began to explode in bursts of guts and feces and feathers — at first just one here and there, then more and more frequently, until everyone on the planet was deafened by the awful, repulsive noise.