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Not really sure how anyone can say “Mysterio” with a straight face; I can’t even type it without giggling

Spider-Man, 1/31/15

This week’s Spider-Man has involved some confusing business about Peter sauntering into the emergency room after a robot fell on him and then sauntering out again diagnosed with a cracked rib and I honestly don’t know enough about his spider-powers (the proportional powers of … a spider) to know whether rib-breaking is a thing that could happen to him, and so whether this is all genuine boring medical talk or a boring ruse to protect his boring secret identity. The fact that the fracture in the x-ray extends beyond the rib itself seems to indicate the latter? Either way, Mysterio lets the wall-crawler know who’s boss by crumpling the x-ray up and fucking it.

Gil Thorp, 1/31/15

In any other narrative context, an athlete whispering, essentially, “Please! I hurt so bad!!” to a trainer would be a cue to start a Serious Issue Story about performance-enhancing drugs of some sort. But since the person being implored is the dorky student manager who only cares about fundamentals and sweater vests and branding, probably he’ll just get some advice about dribbling or something. Gil Thorp can be a pretty disappointing comic strip most of the time, guys.

Six Chix, 1/31/15

You know, Six Chix usually manages to fly under my radar, but it’s had a banner week this week, all bloated corpses and petty grievances and other bloated corpses. And this is a pretty solid capper: a woman dressed all in black, like a burglar or a puppetteer, attempts to buy a robotic simulacrum of a loving family, only to be rebuffed in favor of her own cat, who is in turn repulsed and terrified by the android’s steely embrace.

Metapost: Thunderous COTW

Haha, I’m sitting here in LA and a big thunderstorm just blew through and I literally thought it was an earthquake because I’m pretty sure I haven’t heard thunder since I moved here. Anyway! Now it’s sunny again! Let’s all enjoy this comment of the week, shall we?

“We called him ‘Squeaky’ on account o’ that time he tried to assassinate President Ford. He was a Chevy man to the end.” –Peanut Gallery

And let’s also enjoy these runners up!

“I imagine that, in a fit of vindictive rage, Snuffy will take what is likely her only bra and use it to create a makeshift slingshot to lob sizable stones at the rev’nooers, probably killing them. ‘Underwire support or th’ lawlessness we love, Ma — ya can’t have both!’” –rbmalpha

“I’ll jut point out that it’s odd that on the same day that Holly just ‘found’ $50K for comics, a notorious criminal arrived in Westview and robbed a bank. Sure, Canyon and his accomplice were apprehended, but what was going on in the empty bank while Dick was outside patting himself on the back with the Westview police force? And who was the Kingpin behind the robbery in the first place, or should I say, ‘Queenpin’…? #comicsgate” –pugfuggly

“Poor guy on the right probably isn’t even a clown, he’s just a hobo the anthromorphs rounded up on the streets for this cruel police lineup spectacle. Tomorrow’s strip will literally feature a court run by kangaroos.” –Hans Peter Gertje, on Facebook

“I don’t know which clown did it but I will tell tell you one thing. At almost eight feet tall, Slylock is fucking terrifying.” –Mikey

“So from now on, there’s three ways to do things: the right way, the wrong way, and the Max Bacon way. Which is also the wrong way, but greasier.” –Digger

Judge Parker: “I’d never imagined that the tale of two beautiful, busty young women and their stablehand, in which the blonde bonds with the brunette before she mounts her steed and rides away, while the brunette tells the stablehand: ‘Keep an eye on her, she rides very well!’ could be so grindingly dull that we long to find out what happened to the squirrel.” –Calvin’s Cardboard Box

“Through some kind of magical, once-in-a-lifetime configuration of laziness, ineptitude and choice of subject matter, the artist, writer, and colorist of Crock managed to conjure up an opening panel in which it appears a camel is neck-deep in a pool of territory-marking urine.” –C. Sandy Cyst

“I can’t wait until I’m old enough to eat dinner at 2:00 pm.” –Mumblix Grumph

“I’m a barely employed publicist, yet I own an apartment building in a city where they cost millions of dollars. So I have to economize where I can, such as by wearing the exact same style of blouse as my waitress.” –BigTed

The heat was bad, but it was the humidity that got her. My poor wife. Anyway, let’s eat her.” –Jack loves comics

“I’m working on coming up with a plausible scenario for the depiction of the A3G cafe scene, like, you know, it’s an outdoor cafe, where you have to stand, and there are no tables or other people, that operates in Manhattan in January during a catastrophic blizzard. Was that so hard? It’s like you people can’t suspend your disbelief at all.” –Violet

“Hanna is waiting for ‘the munchies’ to kick in, correct? That explains a lot about how happy she’s been throughout this story.” –Joe Blevins

“I KNEW THIS STORY ARC COULDN’T END WITHOUT A WEDDING … or a politely and curtly executed legal action without all the hassle of ceremony, take your pick!” –Patricia Anne Carter, on Facebook

“What’s really sad is that, by Santa Royale standards, Sean and Hanna are pretty hot stuff. Their cutesy celebrity couple nickname is ‘Sean Hannity,’ since Santa Royale never really got the hang of cutesy celebrity couple nicknames.” –Lily Sincere

He’s more of a pain in the neck to me. Just look at him behaving exactly like the other children, happily interacting with others and not causing any trouble at all. But he’s got his shoes on backwards. He’s up to something. I just know it.” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

“Just off-panel in Mary Worth, a baby carriage starts to careen down the steps. Fortunately for all concerned among the readership, the carriage is immediately followed by a rank of Cossacks indiscriminately shooting everyone in sight.” –dmsilev

“You know, Phil, a lot of times during the day we have seagulls flying over us, swooping down for a morsel now and then. I’ve come to hope one of them will pluck my eyes out.” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“Hey, Jughaid! Spoiler alert: Rickets.” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“Does the sailor-hatted man-baby’s head swivel smoothly, or does it ratchet as it makes a 180 degree turn?” –Chyron HR

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Exasperated Friday

Six Chix, 1/30/15

Oh, man, kids today, am I right? Always conceptualizing the food they eat as aesthetic experiences worthy of being shared with others, am I right? In my day, we saw food for what it was: a disgusting mass of organic matter that, if you were lucky, had been pumped full of preservatives to slow down its rot. This’ll show those punks who get so excited about putting pictures of their brunch on the MySpace or whatever. Hey young people: those Eggs Benedict are basically a festering corpse, when you think about it!

Hi and Lois, 1/30/15

But … but …

there are only five ex-Soviet Central Asian countries

you are being screwed here, Chip

Azerbaijan does not count

it is clearly part of the Caucausus, not Central Asia

no wonder these kids are doing so badly on their standardized tests