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Metapost: Santa brings you your comments of the week!

Your last comments of the week before Christmas, everybody! I’ll be blogging through next Wednesday but then you’re on your own until 2015. So enjoy this one, it’s gotta last until next year!

“That e-trollop used her hyper-sexed mark-up language to become his .com-cubine.” –grsblvnyk

And the very funny runners up!

“‘Traffic … traffic is the real menace.’ Thus Dennis dedicated his life to (unsuccessfully) building a flying car; he died alone, driven half insane from syphilis.” –rbmalpha

“They could consider wife swapping, but considering that their wives are identical except for the haircolor it might be easier just to swap a pair of wigs.” –John Plugger Mellencamp

“And so Billy’s Beat Poetry Christmas closed after one performance.” –C. Sandy Cyst

“I predict artificial hip.” –nescio

“I don’t think that’s a teacher. I think that’s just some random woman that nabs kids when they try to walk offstage, and has set her sights on Billy next. Mommy Keane has noticed her and is thinking, ‘You know what? I’m just going to let what happens happen.’” –Jack loves comics

“Inasmuch as the economy in Hootin’ Holler seems to be based on stealing chickens from one another, I am very confused by this sequence. Perhaps the Holler’s tribal customs mandate that the subject of theft is a taboo — a necessity that cannot be openly discussed? Anyway, it’s only a matter of time until the Feds start relocating various agencies into the area in a misguided effort at ‘development,’ which will become the favored local euphemism for mooching and feasting on the flesh of delicious, delicious eco-tourists.” –pastordan

“But just imagine if you had no context for this strip … there are these sad droopy people, weighed down by the burden of life, sitting at a diner where they literally nailed Santa to the window frame, and they’re talking about somebody named ‘The Funkman.’ And then the scene cuts to The Funkman himself, in a crowd. My first thought would be the association of ‘funk’ with ‘bad odor,’ and I’d wonder why the joke isn’t that the crowd parts around him with wavy lines, maybe flies, floating over his head. My second thought would be to question whether Robert Goulet is a regular in this strip, or if he’s just coincidentally holding center frame at the same airport as this Funkman.” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“Notice how the giant Heathcliff poster covers half the door, so that all must bow before entering. That’s no accident.” –Digger

9 Chickweed Lane: “And so we transition from The Wrongest Day to Is Paris Boring?” –Droopy Says

“Please tell me Gil said the words ‘no hoops for you’ in the vague foreign accent of Seinfeld’s Soup Nazi. It gives me pleasure to think of Gil as a would-be office comedian whose references haven’t been updated since the ’90s.” –Joe Blevins

“‘No pressure,’ Mary says as she contemplates suffocating herself with her oven-roasted sofa cushion.” –Lynn Larkin on Facebook

Meanwhile, Sean has been dead for over 20 minutes.” –RavenHawk

“Anyhow, sorry for interrupting with my ‘Bobby talk’. You were saying something about how I’m a terrible player? The metaphorical bottom of the barrel?” –pugfuggly

“So first Mary tried to use Sean to get Hanna to move to Somerset. And now Sean is trying to push Mary into moving to Somerset(!) This is like one of those action-packed political thrillers where everyone keeps double-crossing one another, except it’s about retirees arguing over their living arrangements while eating dessert.” –BigTed

Judge Parker: “I think someone called this yesterday: this isn’t business negotiation or marital trouble, it’s an extended form of very weird .001% foreplay. In a few hours (i.e., roughly six months), Rocky will have Godiva on a desk somewhere in the factory growing more aroused as he watches the dollar appreciate against the Thai Baht on his smartphone as Godiva talks dirty about what her husband is doing to American workers.” –Master Softheart

“SI.com, Feb. 17, 2037: ‘Coach stuffed into locker by own players; wet hair gives rise to rumors of alleged swirlee.’” –cheech wizard

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No woman can say no to that mustache

Gil Thorp, 12/19/14

There’s a great Gil Thorp plot storytelling tradition that’s been ignored for the past few plots, in which random non-Gil, non-Kaz people end up taking over coaching duties, allowing our heroes to do even less work than usual. It’s been so long since we’ve seen this that I’m down with seeing it play out in this case, even though Robert “Bobby” Howry is the team manager and thus on the border of being an official coach! He’s also on the border of several potential DSM-IV diagnoses, if his obsessive nickname fixation is any indication.

Mary Worth, 12/19/14

Oh, man, Hanna’s glare is just lasering into the side of Sean’s head in panel two! He’s not interested in a private two-person flute concert at all; he wants to assemble an cultish harem of sexy ladies of a certain age. Somerset? More like Allareset, as in all the women who live there are set up as Sean’s sex thralls, amiright?

Funky Winkerbean, 12/19/14

Oh, look, Funky has one of those “smart” phones, as in it’s smart enough to know that any email from a doctor has grim plot significance and needs to be put in a larger font than an email from a wife or a loved one or whatever. The good (?) news is that Dr. C. Hill wasn’t the one who picked up Funky’s prostate cancer, so maybe this is just about his impending heart attack. It sure must be “chill” being a doctor in the Funkyverse, in the sense that your soul is icy and numb after years of constant failure to keep your patients out of death’s clutches!

Would pay good money to see Matthew McConaughey play Jeffy, honestly

Family Circus, 12/18/14

There’s a lot of things about this world that Billy doesn’t understand, because he’s too young or naive or aggressively ignorant, and one of them is, to quote Matthew McConaughey’s character in True Detective, that time is a flat circle. Billy still sees this Christmas season of forced morality in a linear fashion, as an obstacle to be overcome and then forgotten about. Jeffy wears a look of world-weariness that indicates that despite being younger he is the wiser sibling. There’s no end in sight. Santa is always coming again, sometime in the future, and is always watching, always weighing us against his system of mysterious and arbitrary ethics. All of us have to be good, forever.

Mary Worth, 12/18/14

Look, Mary, Hanna appreciates how you’ve helped bring her and Sean together, but she is not interested in you listening in on their duet, OK? It’s for Hanna’s pleasure, not yours. It’s for fun. She’s uncomfortable performing for third parties. Maybe someday, but for now, all her flute-playing will be happening behind closed doors.