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The Decidedly Non-Mod Squad

Mary Worth, 4/1/15

Looks like Adam and Terry weren’t just makeout partners; they were also partners … in crime. Wait, did I say “crime?” I meant “fighting crime, and specifically fighting crime through the medium of pretending to be criminals, so as to fool the real criminals.” Their crime-disguises are just so accurate that I forgot for a minute. An electric blue suit over a white non-buttoned shirt? Lime green short-shorts, long non-ponytailed hair, and sunglasses? Striking bold, unafraid poses in this criminal hellscape (why would you throw a blank piece of letter-size paper onto the sidewalk directly in front of a trash can unless you were the worst kind of monster)? This behattèd ne’er-do-well is going to spill his criminal guts to our heroes, thinking he’s talking to fellow lowlifes! Then they’ll go have some victory makeouts.

Funky Winkerbean, 4/1/15

So Mopey Pete has been strongarmed by his editor into doing a terrible dumb story for the comic book series he writes where it turns out that the superhero everyone’s been following and loving has been an evil (?) clone for years. Now a bunch of fans are going to freak the fuck out about it on the Internet, threatening to subject Pete to vigilante justice! Finally, a storyline where I can feel free to hate literally everybody involved.

Erotic Mary Worth comics (YOU’VE BEEN WARNED)

Mary Worth, 3/31/15

Well, well, it seems Terry and Adam had a nice little thing going on before he became a stalker-y creep. They had it all — both at work, which apparently involved handing pamphlets to a combovered man while standing at attention and smirking, and at play, by which they mean brazenly making out with Adam wearing nothing but his undershirt. His undershirt! It’s a good thing Mary can’t see this shameful reverie … or can she?

Marvin, 3/31/15

Ha ha, it’s funny because Marvin is going try to sell food to people but hopes that the persistent odor of his feces will result in them eating less than what they’ve paid for!

Gasoline Alley, 3/31/15

WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW BOOG

C’mon, Jughead doesn’t care about food quality

Apartment 3-G, 3/30/15

I’m reasonably sure that we haven’t met Carla before, but I assume from context that this latest Apartment 3-G character who looks kind of like, but is not, Lu Ann is Margo’s assistant? Anyway, the hand that Carla is gently resting on Margo’s collarbone rekindles prospects of Margo/Margo’s assistant sexytimes for all of us who finally gave up on the Sargo pairing. “You don’t have to demean me … but you could, if you wanted to as part of consensual dom/sub workplace roleplay.” Either that or Carla’s about to strangle her, one of the two.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 3/30/15

Speaking of workplace dominance, I am getting more excited about Nurse Carter’s apocalyptic arrival on the Morgan clinic scene by the day. “Yeah, I spent years in the DESERT getting HUMAN BLOOD all over me when I was UP TO MY ELBOWS in the GUTS of young people who got BLOWN UP for your FREEDOM to not use a FUCKING NAPKIN when you eat a SANDWICH, so we’re cool, don’t worry about it.”

Archie, 3/30/15

Man, Jughead sure looks awfully smug in that final panel. “Haha, this sure is a savage zinger that I didn’t even dare speak aloud, even though I’m miles away from the school cafeteria and its staff. I’m dying, bit by bit!”

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 3/30/15

Hey, are you vaguely aware of bitcoin, the distributed cryptocurrency that very few people care about but the ones who do care about it care about it a lot and won’t shut up about it? Were you wondering when it would stop being a thing? Well, good news, it’s a punchline in Snuffy Smith, so I’m pretty sure it’s officially not a thing anymore.

Crankshaft, 3/30/15

In today’s Crankshaft, Crankshaft’s saddest friend has a flat tire! That’s … the joke?