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Hagar the Horrible, 7/24/21

Wait, she went from dating a mollusk to dating a mammal? The mermaid sexual lifecycle in this strip is even weirder than I thought it was.

Dennis the Menace, 7/24/21

Just when you think Dennis can’t get any less menacing, you get an installment that entirely consists of him saying “Let’s read this other comic strip where the child characters are much more menacing than I am.”

Blondie, 7/24/21

If you’ve ever wondered how the Bumsteads keep their suburban lifestyle afloat on Dagwood’s stagnant salary and the proceeds from Blondie’s low-margin small business, here’s your answer: Blondie sell’s Dagwood’s feet pics to some very specific fetish sites.

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Hoo, it’s a scorcher out there, folks! Almost as hot as this blistering hot comment of the week:

“If Daddy was a workaholic, he’d draw both your nostrils, kid.” –nescio

These runners up are also burning up with funny!

“All the other cartoonists are going to thrash Hi and Lois cartoonists this week. ‘Dudes! You drew the chick teeing off from the dude’s markers. Bro! Do you even golf?’” –Harry F

“I love how Sarah looks bored but thoughtful in panel 5 of Rex Morgan, M.D. ‘Oh, that’s kind of different. Not the kind of different I was imagining, but you’ve got 2 minutes to get my attention. Tick tock!’” –Victor Von

“One of the signs of a healthy relationship is the need to hide any interaction with the opposite sex from your partner so they won’t get jealous and punish you for playing the most boring game in the entire world with women, which is basically tantamount to taking them to the Holiday Inn and having an orgy.” –Jerp+Jump

“Sure, this seems stupid. But if this results in the discovery that Lisa also faked her own death, destroying what little professional career Les has enjoyed, and subjecting him to prosecution for bigamy, it will all be worth it.” –Where’s Rocky?

“There are so many weird artifacts from this strip’s past that I’ve never noticed how weird its cars are. Obviously this model dates back to a simpler time in car safety when things like headrests weren’t a thing, but they’ve tried to update the seatbelts to modern standards when obviously this model only had waist belts. As a result, Herb’s shoulder strap seems to just continue on into infinity, much like this strip itself.” –pugfuggly

“We can’t allow Dagwood to grow a beard! Immagine all the food crumbs that would get stuck around his mouth! Just imagine!” –Ettorre

“How poor is Ashlee? She’s so poor that her mobile home isn’t even mobile. It just squats there on cinder blocks, slowly rusting away, leaky and drafty and unsafe. Oh, you were looking for a joke? This is Mary Worth, son, where poverty isn’t a joke, it just makes you a bad person.” –Voshkod

“I’d like to point out that yesterday’s Mary Worth said Dr. Cory hadn’t been in contact for ‘several days,’ so… has he just been thumping this guy’s chest all that time? He can’t Venmo her the money because his hands are constantly engaged in futile CPR, hour after hour, day and night, until everyone else stops looking and he can pretend this patient didn’t die during his shift?” –Schroduck

“It would appear from the monitor that the patient does indeed have a heart that is beating, so we’re left to wonder if Dr. Drew is having one of his day dreams where two women whose only discernable difference is their hair color slowly pull him apart. It would definitely explain the scowl on the nurses faces if he’s been standing there motionless for 20 minutes, preventing them from changing a line or replacing a bed pan on their totally conscious and totally confused patient.” –DevOpsDad

“‘Three hairs on the top of his head,’ thinks Mrs. Wilson. ‘Exactly three. How come I never noticed that before? Wait a second — the hair in the middle isn’t even attached to anything! It’s just floating there! Should I tell him? No, it’s not doing any harm. Besides, he wouldn’t believe me anyway.’” –made of wince

“Sure, it’s endearing when slobbering a sammich. When blowing his nose or masturbating, not so much.” –Dennis Jimenez

“Normally, I think the bored, heavy-lidded Garfield look is overused in comics, but I would welcome it here. Mother Goose & Grimm makes me uncomfortable because most of the characters in it look like they’ve just witnessed war atrocities.” –Joe Blevins

“I see that the Burns house has only been awarded a ‘B’ grade by the county health department. No wonder they go out front curbside into the clean, fresh air to discuss family news!” –odinthor

“Thel is thinking about how much time and money went into Billy’s matching salmon sneakers and t-shirt, and how his winsome enthusiasm better start bringing in the brand sponsors on her social media accounts.” –Francisco Arrowroot

“I’m barely following who’s a thinly-veiled analog for who here, but is Batiuk having Jack Kirby posthumously make peace with Stan Lee? Finally Funky Winkerbean assumes its final form… not cancer, not nostalgia, but cancerous nostalgia.” –Dan

“The thing that makes this cartoon for me is Jeremy’s complete indifference to the scene on the TV. The other thing that makes this scene for me is the fact that, in a few minutes, Jeremy is going to be loading Connie into his Microbus for a trip to the orthopedic urgent care, because there’s no way that flat screen is supporting her weight.” –richardf8

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Funky Winkerbean, 7/23/21

I don’t mean to tell people how to deal with shocking news, but I feel like this Comic-Con crowd has moved on way too quickly to the part where they’re heaping heartfelt praise on undeserving Funky Winkerbean ancillary characters and haven’t spent enough time dwelling on the part where Phil Holt faked his death. This Q&A in real life would feature fewer questions like “This is more a comment than a question, but in a meaningful sense you two guys were like our parents” and more like “Why did you fake your death?” and “How did you fake your death?” and “What was it like being a ghost?” and “Have you looked into the legal ramifications of faking your death? Because I bet there are legal ramifications.”

Dick Tracy, 7/23/21

Remember when this strip used to be a nonstop symphony of graphic violence? Now it’s just letting its creators work out the most indulgent possible fantasy for a comic strip artist: that if their strip went into reruns, at least one of their readers would care enough to try to figure out what had happened to them.

Gil Thorp, 7/23/21

Ha, not only will Heather definitely be unpaid, but this unpaid job will prevent her from getting any actual jobs! Just perfect. I also have to wonder if the newspaper would consider Heather taking this gig a conflict of interest, seeing as the only newsworthy stuff that happens in this terrible town is inevitably Milford High-related in some way.

Zits, 7/23/21

Oh, nothing much to see here, just the Zits mom humping the TV during a sex scene. Enjoy your weekend, everybody!