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Enjoy this week’s top comment, y’all!

“We can still have hope that Wilbur washed up on the shores of Tokugawa Japan and is about to be executed by the Shogun in accordance with sakoku.” –nicole 2: the squeakquel, on Twitter

And enjoy the very funny runners up!

“Will I be able to follow 5WATS if I haven’t seen the first four?” –Mike Puterbaugh, on Twitter

Hi Linda, remember your husband, whose death must have been traumatic for your family and produced a wound that will never heal? I need some of his stuff to solve a minor inconvenience.” –Ettorre

“Feel like if Bull was still alive he could have told them that a mouth guard protects your teeth; the helmet is for your head. Still, with the one character who ever picked up a football gone, I guess we can be grateful that Funky didn’t just staple a bunch of silver age comics to her head.” –Dan

“It’s impossible to match the improbability of ‘Wilbur washes ashore on a deserted island,’ but ‘Estelle’s Premium Oceanview Veranda stateroom is furnished with a cot dragged up from the brig’ makes a bold attempt and I appreciate the effort.” –TheDiva

Mary Worth teasing us by showing fish food while revealing Wilbur wasn’t.” –Windier E. Megatons, on Twitter

“Wilbur is NOT Mary’s ‘friend and neighbor.’ He is her NEMESIS. She has been meddling on his behalf for almost 30 years now, and he’s STILL so dysfunctional that even Hell itself won’t take him!” –Mysterion

“Worst job in the Dick Tracyverse is naming consultant. ‘OK, let’s see what we have here. Metal band around brow, two metal discs instead of ears … Stereo Stan! It’s hip, the kids love their hi-fi sets, we can pretend the ears are speakers and … you hate it. Wait, wait, give me another shot. Tiara Teddy, because the brow band kind of … please put down the gun, sir. Well, tell me about yourself. Uh huh. Uh huh. Cars, eh? Headlight Head? No? Gus the Grille? No. Ah. Piston Puss. Yes, I see you like that. That’ll be twenty bucks. Like me on Facebook and recommend me to your friends!’” –Voshkod

“I like Rex’s very minimal attempt at making conversation. Kelly: ‘That sure turned out weird at the end.’ Rex: ‘Yeah, yeah. Life’s a rich tapestry. But anyway, getting back to this lawsuit…’” –Joe Blevins

“That desk being roughly the same height as the monitor is all that you really need to know about Leroy Lockhorn. Well, he’s also a sad, mean drunk, but let’s not lose focus: he’s a shrimp.” –pastordan

“The Lockfriend seems to be pretty bored with this home tour. Next up is the refrigerator. No doubt that’s where Leroy keeps his libido.” –Geogreg

Wagon, hell — why did you fall off the ship?” –Pozzo

“Wilbur: ‘Maybe I can get a bite of Kate Winglet, hue hue hue.’ Narrator voice: ‘Wilbur died three weeks later, without ever remembering Kate Winslett’s real name.’” –Amelie Wikström

“I think I understand why Jenny and Jeff are somewhere that not only has no cell signal but also no FM or even AM stations in range. They’ve decided that Marvin is a lost cause, and it’s time to let the wolves have a shot at raising him. Hence the choice of music.” –Dmsilev

“Once upon a time, a plugger’s idea of ‘streaming content‘ would have been something like fly-fishing. But nowadays even the Real Americans are so jaded they can only feel happiness from listening in to their neighbors being arrested or found dead.” –jroggs

“And the award for ‘Most Boring Acid Flashback’ goes to…” –Artist formerly known as Ben

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Mary Worth, 1/21/22

Look, would we all be happier if Wilbur were dead? Absolutely. But, things being as they are, can we at least look forward to watching him try and repeatedly fail to climb a palm tree, with increasing desperation every time? Yes, yes we can. And remember, even if he manages to succeed, he’s just going to end up with a coconut. There is absolutely no way he will be able to open that coconut.

Crankshaft, 1/21/22

“Wow,” thought Pam. “He’s been talking about it for years but he finally did it. He finally figured out where to score weed.”

Rex Morgan, M.D., 1/21/22

“Look, Kelly, I really don’t care about whatever frivolous artwork Rene collected. I just need you to say, clearly and for the record, that absence of evidence is the same thing is evidence of absence. You can do that, right? And you can do it under oath?”

Pluggers, 1/21/22

Oh, ha ha, just a plugger spending a dull Friday night listening to the police scanner. Say, I wonder a what code “10-45” means, let’s check on the old Google to fin–

AHHH

AHHH

OH MY GOD

IT’S ONE OF HIS FRIENDS

HIS DEAD FRIENDS

THE COPS ARE CALLING FOR BACKUP BECAUSE THIS BLOATED MAN-ANIMAL CORPSE IS SO VERY DISGUSTING THAT THEY CAN’T HANDLE IT

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Marvin, 1/20/22

Today’s Marvin is a good Rorschach test for readers. Where did your mind go immediately after reading this? Are you a pedant who looked up when “Who Let The Dogs Out” was released in an attempt to try to figure out the question of how old Jenny and Jeff are (it climbed the charts in mid-2000, meaning they’ve gotta be in their late 30/early 40s, unless Jeff put the song in a mix “ironically” after the fad had faded)? Or are you a pervert, who assumed that Jeff played “Who Let The Dogs Out” on their honeymoon, during sex, to his wife’s horror? Because my brain is so quick to go to the worst possible places, I sadly fall into both categories.

Crock, 1/20/22

I guess the joke here is that smoke signals, a primitive method of long-distance communication, have been “hit with a virus,” just like a high-tech computer might be, but obviously that’s only a conclusion you would draw if you are, like me, cursed to read the daily comics and attempt to figure out what’s actually going on with them. I assume most people would instead take the more obvious reading, which is that the Lost Patrol are all dying of some terrible disease.

Mary Worth, 1/20/22

Sorry, Wilbur has only one panel to spare on self-reflection as to how he ended up in his current predicament. Now he’s got to move ahead and deal with more important questions, like where on this island he can find sandwiches, or, if they’re not available, cold cuts and condiments he can use to make sandwiches.