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Hey all! Your COTW in a moment, but first off, a very brief note for those who have backed me on Patreon: if you haven’t already heard, Patreon is changing the way it charges fees to shift them from creators to backers, which means that the amount you’ll be charged for your pledges will be going up. I talk about what it means in more detail here, including options for changing or ending your patronage, and you can also read Patreon’s reasoning.

And with that unpleasantness out of the way, it’s time for your comment of the week!

“Whoever had ‘Hornt-up Henry Mitchell’ in the ‘Weird-Ass Things 2017 Has Brought Us’ pool, congrats, come get your winnings, you shot for the moon and it paid off.” –Dan

And for your runners up! Extremely hilarious

“Oh, I get it! The ‘reindeer’ have revolted, forcing Santa to pull his own sleigh, which means Christmas will be late! And they’re snails, because … it’s slow… [checks notes] No, nevermind, false alarm.” –pugfuggly

An old lady, a middle-aged lady, and bad literary puns — this strip may seem outdated, but it knows how to appeal to the demographic that still remembers what a ‘bookstore’ is.” –BigTed

“Who can forget those beloved Snail Christmas classics ‘Oh Little Shell of Bethlehem,’ ‘Do Your Olfactory Tentacles Sense What My Olfactory Tentacles Sense,’ and ‘O Come O Come, Keep Coming, Any Day Now, We’re Still Waiting, Just Get Here When You Can Emmanuel.’” –TheDiva

“Why, why does the highly-improbable accomplishment always have to involve writing? Just for a change, how about one of these characters fiddles around with some kind of Junior Scientist kit and wins a Nobel in chemistry?” –Poteet

His wrist wizard has saved our lives many times. Sure, we could just use smart phones like every single other police agency in the country, but where’s the excuse to crack skulls for Diet if we did that? Has Tim Cook ever asked us to rough up a suspect? Did Bill Gates ever ask us to plant drugs on a defendant? Where would our fun come from if we just bought our tech from the lowest responsible bidder on a general services agency contract?” –Where’s Rocky?

“But doctor, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH
” –fatherdog, on Twitter

“Consider, if you will, a world in which ‘Clown will soon retire’ is news warranting a front-page screaming-huge-font headline. I see two possible scenarios. Either this is a world in which absolutely nothing of interest ever happens. Or, it is a world of horror, in which the Clowns rule with an iron fist clenched firmly around the red nose of the populace and we are witnessing the Politburo unseating its General Secretary. Though it may not make the news, this story will soon be followed up by Wilhelm’s execution by firing squad (via guns that ‘shoot’ BANG! signs of course).” –Dmsilev

“‘World’s Oldest Clown‘ is probably on no one’s list of life aspirations.” –Pozzo

“You see, it’s windy and… [eyes drift upward]” –Kevin On Earth

“It’s worthwhile studying Jeff’s face in panel one. His wife has just walked in the room, smiling broadly and announcing, ‘Guess what?’ Those words could presage almost anything, but does Jeff allow himself to be optimistic for even a few seconds? He does not. He knows, deep down, that there is a 99% chance Pam’s news will be about her awful, hateful father. In a few seconds, he’ll be required to say something like, ‘Oh, did he? How’d that happen?’ Jeff’s look in panel one is the look of a man who knows he is not even the main character in his own life.” –Joe Blevins

“I’m left wondering how the ‘Moon Governor‘ is elected. How gerrymandered is the Moon? Does one win by focusing electoral efforts on the near side or the far side? Does antenna size matter? How does one do an outside campaign rally without any oxygen?” –Voshkod

“Mr Ermine, I know I’m an alien to your Earthworld, and largely ignorant of your Earth ways and means, but don’t you Earthers need to open your mouth to drink coffee?” –Charles Nelson,Really!

“DAY-DRINKING DIAMOND-DEALER: My, my, my… where did you find those? Just lying around Africa, I suppose?
DIRTY: Don’t ask — don’t tell!
RACCOONTAILBEARD: That has always been my policy!
DIRTY: You literally JUST asked me where I got them.
LEX LUTHOR IN CONFUSING COSPLAY: I did not, I tell you!” –T Campbell

“This crew of old people all live in a convalescent home, although it’s been retconned into assisted living. I suppose they all enjoy a communal bath each morning, with the assistance of nurse’s aides.” –Rusty

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Mark Trail, 12/8/17

Oh, wow, this plotline very quickly went from baffling avant-garde theater to the least arousing gay pornography anyone could possibly imagine.

Funky Winkerbean, 12/8/17

I’ve been sitting here for five minutes (the maximum amount of consecutive time my doctor and my family have told me I’m allowed to think about Funky Winkerbean) trying to figure out what “Now this is something I can relate to” is supposed to mean here. Like, he … enjoys taking baths in public fountains? Or at least can relate to the impulse? Or is it just that he, like the ducks, takes a shower every morning? And what’s up with the “now” part? Was the entire trip to one of America’s great historic cities wholly unrelatable to this schlub from the rust belt suburbs of northeastern Ohio up to this point? I’m definitely sure I’ve put more thought into this than anyone who worked on this strip, whose main concern was probably “How can I write that trip to Memphis off on my taxes?”

Six Chix, 12/8/17

It’s true what they say: Christmas does come earlier every year! Like, I swear, Christmas music has been on the radio for weeks know, and people usually don’t start feeling like a tradition that arose to show love and appreciation to your loved ones in the spirit of the gifts brought to the baby Jesus had devolved into a materialistic, transactional zero-sum game until at least December 15th.

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Dick Tracy, 12/7/17

Oh, hey, so it turns out that the smoking alien from a few months back was the Moon Governor, returning to Earth to find his daughter, who is actually this flower-themed gangster’s daughter who’s been surgically and mentally altered and I was going to find the links for these plot points but it all just makes me tired, you guys. Anyway, like all terrifying emissaries of extraplanetary governments, the Moon Governor has chosen to take a meeting in a coffee shop. The best, most hilarious part is that this mostly humanoid alien appears to have put on a hat to disguise himself but then had to cut holes in the hat for the antennae that are the one visible feature that distinguishes him from Earthlings.

Beetle Bailey, 12/7/17

Ha ha, can you imagine if you sliced Sarge open and discovered that he was just an outer layer of Sarge-meat wrapped around a human child, and then you sliced that child open to discover that it was just a flesh-shell with an awful demon from the depths of hell at its core? It’s definitely going to be fun thinking about this nightmare turducken of humanity and supernatural evil for the rest of the day!

Blondie, 12/7/17

You definitely have to admire the sheer force of Mr. Dithers’ personality. Even in mug form, it’s so overwhelming that it’s forced the entire Bumstead family to retreat to the other side of the room.