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Gasoline Alley, 9/25/23

Oh, man, were you wondering what happened in the story of the lost little boy who was about to be taken away from his talking bear friend by the authorities? Well, what happened is that talking bear attacked the authorities, who dropped the child and fled in terror, as most people would when faced by an aggressive bear. Anyway, it’s true that troubles are just starting, both for the bear (revelation that talking bears are seizing human children will end in the state intervening with maximum force) and the rest of us (Human-Bear Wars will last most of the 21st century, leave the earth a depopulated wasteland).

Mary Worth, 9/25/23

It seems that Keith Hillend, while always unfailingly polite with the woman who descended upon him and started badgering him with irrelevant information while he was trying to move in to his new apartment, simply did not want to linger and chit-chat with her. Unacceptable. UNACCEPTABLE. She’s going to show up at his door and FORCE this tray of steaming hot tan glop onto him. Then he’ll have to make polite conversation with her, if he wants the antidote.

Gil Thorp, 9/25/23

Yes, the Milford athletic department is facing big budget cuts. But Gil always loved Emeril Lagasse, and frankly you’d be surprised how cheap it is these days to hire him to stand on the sidelines of your high school football game and yell his catchphrase when you score.

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Pardon My Planet, 9/24/23

Man, I have to say that I wildly misinterpreted this comic at first, thinking this dude was doing some kind of corporate PowerPoint-type presentation trying to sell his girlfriend on different restaurants. “But Josh,” you’re thinking, “that’s dumb, why would they already have the table set in that case? Why would the pictures be on these roller shades?” I dunno man, it’s Pardon My Planet. It’s full-on madness! Remember the afterlife run by cows? I’m not putting anything past these freaks! Anyway, that would’ve been wacky, whereas this is just depressing. Look at how dissapointed she looks, Jesus.

Beetle Bailey, 9/24/23

Otto is a contradiction: a beast who thinks like a human, but who lacks the physical capacity to do what humans do. Beetle, on the other hand, is a human who leans in to his base and bestial nature, wanting nothing to do with any of the gains we’ve made since standing upright. Together, they will forge a strange friendship.

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Pluggers, 9/23/23

Not sure if the joke here is supposed to be “pluggers are bad at using tools” or “pluggers plan in advance for possible accidents,” but either seems frankly pretty off-brand.

Dick Tracy, 9/23/23

Damn, did a friend of someone prominent get murdered? Does that mean the MCU is going to have to actually try to solve the crime in a timely fashion? What a drag!

Hagar the Horrible, 9/23/23

Oh, are you saying that you’ve never given much thought to Hagar the Horrible’s true erotic power? Well, that ends today, buddy.