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Dick Tracy, 9/25/21

Oh, huh, I guess the guy in the Ace of Spades outfit isn’t actually the first guy to wear the Ace of Spades outfit, and that apparently the reason the Ace of Spades outfit involves a mask is that the original guy had a huge “A” in the middle of his forehead. This is profoundly uninteresting to me, it turns out, but I guess we’re going to watch Dick try to puzzle all these questions out when he could just USE DIET SMITH’S TIME-DRONE TO ZOOM IN ON THE EXACT MOMENT OF THE MURDER AND SOLVE IT WITHOUT ANY EFFORT, god, Dick, do I have to think of everything for you????

Mary Worth, 9/25/21

“[adorable French accent] Oh ho ho! This Weelbur, he seems to think that he can threaten me with ‘arm! Fortunately, eet is very obvious that I would defeat him in either a battle of physical prowess or a contest of weets! The game is afoot, mon frère! ‘Bring eet on,’ as you say in this county!”

Beetle Bailey, 9/25/21

Years ago, when I first started this blog, one of my running bits was that Beetle and Sarge were lovers in a tempestuous, sometimes violent relationship, but I dropped that because it got old after a while. And really, when you think about it, friendships can be just as intense as romantic relationships, right? A guy saying “my mother never shoved a fist in my face” while the guy who just shoved his fist in his face watches him walk away with crossed arms is just as grim even if they aren’t sleeping each other, in my opinion.

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Folks, it’s COTW time!

“‘Have you ever unironically used the phrase chick magnet?’ is not a question that appears on animal adoption applications, but I’m starting to think it should be.” –The Diva

It’s also, inevitably, hilarious runners up time!

“A Crankshaft where he’s smiling in every panel is the most disturbing thing I’ve seen on this website.” –Applemask

“Some friends once related a story about living in a haunted house. They would wake up some mornings to the smell of bacon and eggs prepared by no visible hand, always a bit awkward when guests were staying with them. It would be nice if the roles were reversed here, is what I’m saying. (I’d like it if Crankshaft were a ghost.) (I’d like it if Crankshaft were dead.)” –pastordan

“Rookie move, Hannah. Pam and Jeff stopped making coffee in the morning years ago when they saw how much joy it gave Ed. Sadly, the lack of mental stimulation only makes his execrable malapropisms worse. It’s a real damned if you do, damned if you don’t scenario.” –Doctor Moreau

“I haven’t really followed what’s going in this strip the last couple days, but is Wilbur buying a dog to try win back the affection of Estelle and her cat, or has he decided to double-down on their breakup? Put more simply, is Wilbur more stupid or petty? Obviously his most defining characteristic is his patheticness, something I’m sure his new dog will pick up quickly and exploit. God I’m looking forward to this.” –pugfuggly

“Okay, look, I can accept a lot of things about the Marvin-verse (the fact that babies’ heads are twice the size of their torsos, or that a child can have a cowlick that’s gotta be six inches tall), but just how the fuck did Marvin open the door? Look at his arms! Look at the height of the doorknob! I’m not a parent, but if I open my front door to see a baby just… sitting there, I might have a few questions.” –els

“At first I thought Lois was peeling a potato, but no, that’s clearly her hand. Her hand that she’s just plunged a knife into and is now fountaining brown blood(?) straight into the salad bowl.” –Schroduck

“Everyone is wondering how a Frenchie winds up in a shelter? Look at those eyes! They’re not horrible, uncanny things that look like they’re about to pop out and make you clench your asshole. They’re nice sweet little dog eyes, and that, my friends, is a serious deviation from the breed standard.” –richardf8

“‘Excuse me, I have to grab Chance Macy’ has become my new favorite excuse to escape unwanted conversations.” –But What Do I Know?

Today’s Gil Thorp appears to be a profound reflection on man’s fundamental alienation from man. Gil shares a fraught but wordless handshake with a rival, has an interaction with Heather which begins in media res and ends just as abruptly with no worthwhile communication achieved, while Marty Moon relentlessly play-by-plays into the void, his face a mask of grim determination with a soupçon of madness about the eyes. Chilling, really.” –Violet

Sarge has your magazine. Now leave me and my two sheets of A4 printer paper alone.” –jroggs

“Ha ha! Dagwood’s classmate had intelligence and a family with money, but his addictions have got the better of him! Nothing like a little lighthearted darkness in the funny pages to start the day off right.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“There’s no way Sarge is interested in Fine Food — but as it turns out, the magazine entitled Hot, Brown, And Plenty Of It isn’t a culinary publication.” –Old School Allie Cat

Pick a lane, Harry! I mean, you have obviously already picked a lane, in the sense that you’re staying incredibly busy with music-related projects, so this weird neologism that we here in Westview use either doesn’t make sense or doesn’t apply here. What I want you to do is pick a different lane from the lane you’ve already picked. Why do we talk like this? Is it a curse bestowed upon us by our uncaring creator? Isn’t it enough that we lead the country in cancer and smirk-related mouth injuries?” –Chance

“Lady, there are exactly 3 lanes in Westview; arts, pizza, and death. That said, the first two merge into the third eventually.” –Rosstifer

“‘I hope you and Pierre will create that magic bond!’ Wilbur would ruefully remember those words as he stood over the bodies. So much blood. So much blood. But it what Pierre had demanded, blood for the magic bond. I should have gone to the local animal shelter to get a dog, Wilbur thought, instead of the Satanic temple. Pierre cocked his head slightly and Wilbur fell to his knees, ready to listen to his master’s voice.” –Voshkod

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Mary Worth, 9/24/21

God damn, look at him. Look at that adorable little smooshed face! Obviously I’m not talking about Wilbur, obviously, how dare you, I’m talking about Pierre, and yes I am going to imagine his internal monologue in a hilarious French accent, and I urge you to do the same as you read the following aloud:

“Mon dieu, is zees the man who will be taking me home from zis shelter? Does he plan to make another child out of me, as a, how-you-say, substitute for his absent daughter? I am weeling to give zis a chance, because I believe he will be dropping many items of food on the floor where I can reach them, but I shall remain vigilant for trouble!”

Ahh, Pierre! Your Gallic detachment and stoicism will get you through the next few troubled months, hopefully!

Rex Morgan, M.D., 9/24/21

“So whaddya say? Wanna give her another li’l bonkus on the old conkus? Another round of mind-wiping? She’ll probably be fine, and then we can keep all the money from the Kitty Cop book that she won’t remember!”

Funky Winkerbean, 9/24/21

Huh, so you’re saying you want to spend … more time with your husband? Wouldn’t have been my call, I’ll say that.