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Funky Winkerbean, 10/16/21

“Gosh,” literally dozens of you are wondering, “Whatever happened with Holly after she broke her ankle?” Well, she had to have surgery and now she’s going to be laid up for weeks, so she has to have her meals prepared for her … [dramatic music sting] … by a man! I really went full circle on this one from “Ugh, what a tired and sexist trope” to “Wait a minute, Funky literally owns a restaurant, this doesn’t even make sense” to “Wait, the restaurant Funky owns is Montoni’s, purveyor of the saddest, grossest pizza in Ohio” to “Ugh, fine, this is a tired and sexist trope but it absolutely makes sense in this case.”

Mary Worth, 10/16/21

Oh no, Carol is acquiescing to Wilbur’s sweaty, combed-over charms! I’m holding out hope that she’s waiting until they’re someplace with lots of other people present to let him down easy, both for her own safety and because she heard his public meltdowns are extremely hilarious.

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There’s no escape from this week’s comment of the week:

“Yes, when two people start dating, if those two people have dogs, every activity — nay, every location they visit — must be prefaced by the word ‘dog.’ You don’t go to the park; you go to the dog park! The beach? Please. We go to the dog beach with our perfectly symmetrical dogs. Next, we’ll see Wilbur and Carol visit a dog brewery! The dog movies! A joint visit to the dog ophthalmologist (which is different than an ophthalmologist for dogs)!” –els

Or from these hilarious runners up at midnight (or at any other time):

“It’s a good thing kids don’t actually read newspaper comics, including one called Comics for Kids. Otherwise, this might be the day that millions of children across America start pedantically correcting others about which sea creatures are fish and which are not.” –Joe Blevins

Oh, we’re getting married all right. And you know what else? Neither of us is getting gunned down outside the church. I know no one asked, but still, you can take that one to the bank!” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“Yep, the US-China trade war has been hell but I took what was left of my hedge fund and bought this fishing lodge slash vineyard slash tax dodge.” –Hibbleton

“For some reason, I thought all the characters in this strip were completely aware of all the stuff the other characters have been doing. I mean, their lives all are so boring, so wouldn’t they spend a bunch of time gossiping, on the off chance that they’ll find entertainment in hearing about a bunch of different boring people whose lives just might be slightly less boring than their own? Come on. Don’t tell me Michelle hasn’t even heard of Edward’s dog.” –made of wince

“As is Columbus Day tradition, the boats are full of filthy disease ridden parasites that are going to brutally colonize Dag’s digestive track.” –Jerp+Jump

“Leroy was just about to sign those divorce papers, and Loretta thought one last jab could only hasten the process, but now he’s not going to, out of spite.” –Violet

“GEORGE: I see. So this is why you asked me to wear this shirt today. Not because you found it handsome, but because it would make me look like a fool. [stands up] Well done, Martha. I feel like a fool. [leaves room]
MARTHA: [continues laughing]
DENNIS: [looks around uncomfortably]” –Dan

Everyone else can watch the ceremony online. But I’m a realist, so I am saying ‘can,’ not ‘will.’” –Ettorre

“Well, back in MY day, when someone asked who else will be there, you give NAMES, dammit! She wants to know if she’s going to have to deal with Rex and Buck or not, and your non-answer isn’t helping!” –Mysterion

“In a surprise bid to stay relevant, Dennis the Menace enters the ‘bad art friend’ discourse.” –Biiirdmaaan!

“I love the side-eye that walrus is giving, seemingly trying to read the text. ‘Ok, sure, polar bears eat seals, but what about walruses? This is a pressing and not-at-all-hypothetical question here!’” –pugfuggly

“I’ve never gone to war but I might develop PTSD after seeing that weird, orange plaid chair.” –nescio

“Yeah, Mark served in Afghanistan. He got a dishonorable discharge after his patrol got wiped out. It was a cool day on the slopes of Tora Bora, and Mark was on point. A woodsman, he could move like a ghost through the trees. Mark heard a noise, a small scuffling against rock. He froze, put his hand up in the fist, and the patrol froze with him. Slowly Mark moved forward, and then he saw it. Meriones zarudnyi. ‘Guys,’ he shouted. ‘There’s a Zarudny’s jird up here! Very rare, only found in Afghanistan, Iran, and Turkemistan!’ The little rodent looked back at Mark as the Taliban machine guns opened fire.” –Voshkod

“While the few remaining undomesticated humans skitter past in their no-longer-needed icebreaker, the gulls know the deal: you spread a few fish around, maybe you tip off a bear on seal locations every once in a while, maybe you don’t. Let the others fight. You’ve got your own racket, and nobody loses, except the arctic cod.” –pastordan

“Like, they expect you to remember to catch the bus. Oh well, time to watch soaps with you all day, mom.” –2+2=7

“I appreciate this woman whose dream job is teetering on the edge of extinction. She’s making the moves on a guy whose current job is at a local newspaper so it’s nice that they’ll have something in common in a few years.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“In my dreams I don’t function as a being. Also when I’m awake, actually.” –Applemask

“You might think that Carol is being vague to avoid this exact question from Wilbur, but this is Santa Royale, where everyone’s favourite food is ‘any.’” –Rosstifer

“My favorite part about today’s Family Circus is Jeffy’s squinty eyes. They have the effect of making him look downright smug. ‘That’s right, Dolly — I got hurt, and I’ll have you know I only cried for 20 minutes. And if you think this is bad, you oughta see Daniel Tiger. Who’s a baby now, huh?’” –Austria

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Family Circus, 10/15/21

Wow, this one is pretty tough! Obviously it’s totally believable that Jeffy has managed to tragically injure himself due to his own clumsiness and incompetence; but it’s also very plausible that he’s covered with stains and bits of food, even though his last meal was several hours ago.

Shoe, 10/15/21

Big news, everybody! The Perfesser got hit by a truck. But he seems fine now? Plus he’s getting 35% of a pretty lucrative settlement. Things are looking up for him!

Mary Worth, 10/15/21

THAT’S RIGHT CAROL

BREAK HIS HEART

BREAK

HIS

HEART