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“That’s not a collage of photos Lois took around their house — it’s a screenshot of the ‘Chores Around the House’ TikTok feed, which she watches constantly because long, tedious videos of boring home labor are like ASMR to her. So don’t praise her for doing laundry — she’s actually getting high off it, and that’s the 12th load she’s done today (without, say, checking to make sure Trixie hasn’t spent the last two hours staring at the sun).” –BigTed

And the runners up remain hilarious!

“What a week of these insufferable genetic dead ends trying to show off their misery boners to each other only to decide that they aren’t the problem, everyone else is! It’s our fault that we can’t understand their endearing quirks and they shouldn’t have to change! Take that, audience!” –Needless Exposition

“We disagreed on food, politics, men, and money. I said if Dennis Kucinich invited me on a dinner date, I’d order something vegan out of respect for his beliefs. Mother said she’d order meat but offer to split the check.” –Peanut Gallery

“So did Lois actually take pictures of every chore that needed to be done or did she do a Google search for stock images? Either way, it speaks to a level of industriousness that could have been profitably spent performing at least one of these chores.” –Pozzo

“Given that that fort looks like it could hold three guys, tops, and there’s no visible outlet for sewage, I’d say being left by the side of the road might be a mercy.” –I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV

“I’m guessing the context of this is that Alice’s veterinarian moonlights as a drug dealer who hooks her up with the good shit between parrot check-ups, which frankly explains a lot about this comic if you assume it’s all from Alice’s POV.” –ectojazzmage

“I’m a giant unstoppable machine tearing through the natural resources of an African nation. My name? Sam. Sam Bolism.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“You can’t keep hinting that you’ll show us the woman who let Wilbur impregnate her, and then never follow through with it. It’s like some BDSM edging thing, except infinitely more humiliating.” –Schroduck

“I guess we should give Sam, or the hallucination thereof, some credit for keeping his shirt collar properly arranged and tie still nicely knotted while being sent to sleep with the fishes. Only partial credit of course; his suit jacket is missing.” –Dmsilev

“The size of that box suggests to me that Ranger Shaw’s wife isn’t just watching Twilight, but presumably all those awful knockoffs. Dawnlight, Twinlove, Twillit: a Vampires Tale? I’m making these up but at the same time sure that they exist.” –pugfuggly

“Turns out it was just a model of Sam that got thrown out when the Great Comics in Wax museum was shut down for false advertising. Who’s up for some Jenga?” –But What Do I Know?

“The Keenes will end up petitioning their city to ban recycling after Jeffy independently comes up with the idea of reincarnation due to lack of honest discussion about death.” –Philip

“Thel is looking at those eggshells with wistful longing, all ‘God, I wish I could have had some broken eggs, if you know what I mean?’” –2+2=7

“‘Why do you idolize someone who’s no longer with us?’ Nice job, Gertie, you just insulted every major religion.” –Banana Jr. 6000

“You’d think Sophie would be more concerned with establishing whether or not she saw a real corpse in the water, but with Sam ruled out as the victim, it’s well within her sociopathic character to quickly lose interest. I mean, if the murdered man isn’t someone who’s paying her way through college, then who cares?” –jroggs

“Now that I think about it, isn’t it weird that the movie is called The Sixth Sense even though the kid’s power is not seeing the future (rather, by speaking with the dead he has access to the past)? I never thought it would happen, but Judge Parker made me think!” –Ettorre

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Mary Worth, 7/19/24

The idea that Mary lacks self-confidence is, of course, absurd. What may be surprising is that she also does not lack in self-awareness, which is why she won’t get on stage herself but is eager to watch various Westons humiliate themselves in delicious fashion.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 7/19/24

See, Buck isn’t physically abusive, and he would never abandon his own child if they came out as nonbinary. That should make you feel lucky to have him as an inexplicably recurring character in this comic strip. Never complain about roots country bullshit again! Think of the alternatives!

Judge Parker, 7/19/24

“Wait, did I imply something interesting might be happening in this storyline? Ha ha, just kidding! Please do not get emotionally invested! It’s just more vague psychodrama, I swear!”

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Gearhead Gertie, 7/18/24

Frank Sinatra died in a hospital with his wife by his side, which, when it comes to ways to die, is not the worst by any means. But consider: what if instead he had died onstage because he sang a song that was far too dangerous and lost control of it, while thousands of his fans looked on, horrified but deep down inside thrilled, because isn’t the possibility of death, no matter how slim, just the far edge of the same space of drama that brought them there in the first place? Obviously that’s not what pulls in concertgoers, that’s not really what live music is about, but also that’s why Gertie is still robust and full of energy, feeding on the visceral noise and violence and risk of NASCAR, and her husband is a pencil neck listening to his little records, a man whose requests to fly a giant Sinatra flag out front once in a while have been repeatedly nixed.

Family Circus, 7/18/24

Look, you can try to prevent your children from learning anything about sex and reproduction all you want, but eventually, in the absence of information, they will try figuring out how it all works on their own from whatever they can glean from their environment, and the results will honestly be much more disturbing than you can imagine.