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Hi and Lois, 9/22/18

Ha ha, there’s nothing that says “I love my son” like telling your wife as she walks by, completely within his earshot, “Look, I’m sitting right next to him here on the couch! You were wrong when you said I didn’t love him!” But really, the big shoutout in this strip has to go to Chip, who’s alternating between looking at his phone and reading that magazine he has draped over the arm of the couch. He doesn’t want to be there any more than Hi does!

Spider-Man, 9/22/18

J. Jonah Jameson of course discarded the traditional obituary section years ago, merging it with the wedding announcements to create a weekly “Life Moments” supplement that you have to pay to be featured in. But I assume that if Spider-Man died from some combination of being shot multiple times and suffocating from poison gas, it’d be a gleeful banner headline, for what’s that’s worth.

Marvin, 9/22/18

“Since American suburbia is bereft of truly public spaces, I thought we were going to wander around this commercial center merely for the purpose of experiencing the slow passage of time towards our inevitable and meaningless deaths in a location other than our home, for once. But you entered a series of stores with the intention of exchanging money for goods! What a twist!”

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Do you like … funny comments? Do you want to read this week’s top comment? Here it is!

“Indonesian political turmoil during the 1960s? Actually, that dog-plugger’s scar was caused by too much scratching of a skin infection, during the Year of Living Mangerously.” –seismic-2

Do you want to read this week’s hilarious runners up, as well? Here they are!

“Jughaid is not wearing a coonskin cap — that’s his real hair. He’s heard of this hipster trend and has the ponytail part down pretty well, but this man bun thing he’s still trying to figure out just what that means.” –popamatic

“Not that arguing the point will do Jughaid much good in a town with only one teacher, but I’d question the validity of a report card given out by someone who just scrawled out ‘REPORT CARD‘ in pencil on a random sheet of copier paper while wearing a vindictive grin.” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“Maybe this can of ‘wholesome salmon in spring water’ will help. Or does that say ‘whole salmon on a spring’? Or is this the can with the typographic error in which I trapped the soul of Alex Salmond, former First Minster of Scotland? No, this must be the canned remains of Salmon P. Chase, Lincoln’s Chief Justice. I really need to can less Salmons, or buy some reading glasses.” –Voshkod

“Mary seems to be making salmon squares, but the idea that’s occurred to her may be to encourage Wynter to return to his home town, find a mate, then die.” –cheech wizard

“I hate to say it, but I think Mary has been inspired to start selling canned dog.” –Foodar

“I’m guessing the original punchline was something along the lines of ‘He’s always cramming it in my can!’ before an editor stepped in.” –pugfuggly

“So Spider-Man’s intrepid trio knew the villains weren’t going to be there but decided to show up anyway? Once again Peter Parker saves the day by going where evil isn’t and not punching anybody.” –Escape Zeppelin

“Wouldn’t it have been cheaper to just rent a boardroom and a couple of gas masks?” –TheDiva

“Kid, we live in a rodent-infested home littered with what I only hope are animal remains. Unless a visit from DCFS is on that list, you ain’t gettin’ it.” –Joe Blevins

“You’re a plugger when your touchstone for stories of things that happened in someone’s youth reference World War II, even though that was the previous generation, and everyone who fought in that war is already dead.” –Emily Riposte

“Having known my share of pluggers, lemme tell ya — it doesn’t take anything as dramatic as a scar. Just move one of their many pill bottles to a slightly different spot in the medicine cabinet. It’ll become their Game of Thrones.” –Chrissy the Stooges Woman

“I’m no doctor, but I’m fairly certain scar tissue doesn’t grow on top of fur. This is obviously just a matted clump of filth, and the plugger is lying to his grandson because it’s the only acceptable form of plugger entertainment that isn’t ‘waiting to die.’” –Rosstifer

“You know what other classic character was basically ‘The Lone Ranger in space’? Space Ghost. Y’know who his sidekicks were? A couple kids and A CHIMP. So begins my exhaustive 12-part YouTube documentary Fake Geek Boy: The Story of Mopey Pete.” –Wolfbane42

“Is every Mark Trail strip this week going to end with the exact same drawing of Rusty looking dumbly up from his phone and asking some variation of ‘now what?’ Because I’m on board with that. Especially if Mara’s head continues to grow larger every panel, until she finally answers his repeated question and devours Rusty, phone and all.” –The Mighty Untrained FOOZLE

“…and, so, we’re giving that space gorilla cancer.” –Where’s Rocky

“Coating the walls of your apartment in framed photos of your dog is one thing. Saul has gone a step further and arranged them so that it looks like they’re all looking at the front door. How could anyone not appreciate the effort when they come in, only to be greeted by dozens upon dozens of beady little chihuahua eyes, all of them glazed over with an expression that is equal parts hate and vacuity?” –Lionheart

“Okay, who just got thumbprints all over their screen? Besides me?” –Schrödinger’s Droopy

“Why is Mopey Pete so hung up on this child sidekick issue? No one even brought it up. Unless… does he actually think chimpanzees are gorilla children?” –jroggs

Cranberry juice is the primary ingredient in cosmopolitans, which leads me to the disturbing conclusion that Big Daddy Keane is a total Carrie.” –Jenna

“See. You all asked for it. This disturbingly long-winded rant about a light-hearted subject is what happens when the smirking stops.” –Tonya

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Family Circus, 9/21/18

Well played, Ma! Thanks to Jeffy’s inability to mind his own business and desperate and doomed need to be regarded as somewhat mature, she’s now sussed out that Big Daddy Keane is currently referring to the hellish mix of sterno and cough syrup that he’s sipping throughout every evening to numb his pain as “grown-up cranberry juice.”

Funky Winkerbean, 9/21/18

Yes, this kind of attitude towards one of the most iconic and beloved characters in comics history is definitely healthy and good and doesn’t indicate any sort of deep-seated pathologies, at all! Clearly this is the sort of person you want as [checks notes] the artistic director of your comic book company.