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Dennis the Menace, 5/3/21

Man, clearly the menace here is not Dennis, who’s merely playfully experimenting with the results of intensifying ontological categories, but rather Henry, who’s walking away from the table with a smug little smirk on his face. “Ha ha, Dennis you scamp,” he’s thinking, “Can’t let her get too comfortable! I’m carrying exactly one bowl into the kitchen, so I’m doing my part to clean up.”

Dick Tracy, 5/3/21

Say, how’s Sam and Dick’s witness babysitting going? Well, they lost him, but then they found him again. Ha ha, police work isn’t all fun and games! Sometimes it’s grinding attention to detail in pursuit of a suspect, and sometimes it’s endless bureaucracy and red tape. But other times it can be an invigorating round of hide and seek, which is, literally, fun and games. Enjoy it while it lasts, boys!

Judge Parker, 5/3/21

You’ve been tracking … the CIA’s movements? Like, the whole CIA? All [checks Wikipedia] 21,500 employees? Maybe the CIA shouldn’t have let April quit, she seems like she’s pretty good at spy stuff.

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Mary Worth, 5/2/21

I am honestly not sure where this is going, by which I mean that I am honestly not sure how stupid we’re supposed to think Dr. Drew is! Like, is this a transparent flirtation, with the unlikely “Oh, your amateur photography will be like your medical mission!” pitch just the flimsiest possible pretext to exchange phone numbers as a prelude to boning? Juliette Binoche’s quote up top seems to imply this! On the other hand, Drew is quite dumb, so it’s possible that he’s taken Ashlee’s words to heart and now thinks that there’s more than one way to heal: you can do it with a scalpel, or with a camera and the full set of Instagram filters. This will lull him into a false sense of complacency when Ashlee lures him to the remote, picturesque waterfall where her accomplices will harvest his organs, which will allow him to heal a number of fabulously wealthy Russian oligarchs and/or Gulf emirs, when you think about it.

Marvin, 5/2/21

Wow, Marvin just had the craziest, most unlikely dream: his family wanted to spend time with him! Oh, and he also violated various copyrights held by Hanna-Barbera Productions, Inc., I guess.

Shoe, 5/2/21

GOD DAMN IT ROZ YOU’RE A BIRD

EVERYONE IN THIS STRIP IS A BIRD

YOU’VE GOT FEATHERS IN YOUR DRAIN, ROZ

NOT HAIR, FEATHERS

GOD DAMN IT

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Mother Goose and Grimm, 5/1/21

Hey there! Did it ever occur to you, in your (I assume) decades of reading the syndicated newspaper comic strip Mother Goose and Grimm, that the title characters (a goose and a dog who talk and live typical suburban human lifestyles) are named after the mythical Mother Goose of storytelling lore and the Brothers Grimm, who collected European folktales, respectively? Probably not, because it’s almost never been relevant to the action or jokes … unti today! Ha ha, it’s been a wild ride with this strip over the past 36 years, but it was all worth it to deliver this delightful storybook-themed punchline. Anyway, it will stop production forever after this week, RIP Mother Goose and Grimm.

Family Circus, 5/1/21

Ma Keane’s little smile is truly chilling to me. “Finally,” she’s thinking, “it knows what it is … and what it isn’t.”