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Hi and Lois, 10/25/26

Given how much time I spent parsing Hi’s fantasy self-image as a young Major Leaguer a few weeks ago, I’m kind of tickled by his vision of his real childhood, where he looks exactly like he does now, same haircut and everything, except smaller, and his dad looks exactly like he does now except with a mustache. Speaking of Hi’s dad, it’s kind of weird that Hi and Lois are probably in their early 40s at the oldest and they never seem to visit or be visited by their parents, right? I guess spending fall weekends cheerfully breathing in a toxic mix of fine particulate matter and carcinogenic chemicals might have something to do with it.

Heathcliff, 10/25/26

Not to be a downer about it, but a big bone-in ham like that is basically a corpse, right? Or at least a sizable chunk of one? So I guess it shouldn’t be surprising that it’s inhabited by a vengeful ghost of some kind, though the fact that it’s haunted by three of them implies that we know a lot less about matters of the spirit than we may think.

Mary Worth, 10/25/26

Lot going on here, but the panel I’m really hung up on is “People gossip about things they don’t comprehend.” I mean, I buy that most people don’t comprehend why Toby and Ian are together. That’s because they don’t know them well enough to get a sense of the various personality problems that have significantly limited both of their romantic prospects.

Panel from Dick Tracy, 10/25/26

Oh, come on, Crimestoppers Textbook! Carmen Sandiego and her coconspirators at V.I.L.E. have their sights set on stealing historic treasures and natural monuments. They have no time for petty door-to-door-salesperson scams!

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Marvin, 10/4/26

Hey, remember the World Cup, from, like, a few months ago? And remember that caveman-lookin’ guy from Norway, Erling Haaland? Well, what if there were a baby that looked like him. And he was on a soccer team for babies. (Just assume for this scenario that soccer teams for babies exist, don’t worry about it.) And the other babies were all scared of him, because they’re babies, their memory doesn’t go back very far but the World Cup does feature pretty prominently in it. But! Here’s the twist! He’s not a good soccer player at all, he just happens to look like one very specific and memorable-looking good soccer player! Say what you will about this strip, but I have to admit, never at any point in it did I know where it was going next, which I think may also be true for whoever wrote it.

Heathcliff, 10/4/26

You could express your bemusement at the increasing popularity of pumpkin spice treats by creating a vaguely hostile and violent dream sequence. Or you could just say to yourself, “What will they think of next? Pumpkin spice gum? Ha ha, I bet a bubble you’d blow with that would look like a jack o’ lantern!” I know which option I prefer.

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Blondie, 7/18/26

Blondie likes to make extremely on-the-nose jokes about obscure holidays. But they usually show up on the day itself, and National Ice Cream Day falls on a Sunday, of course. Maybe part of the joke is that Dagwood just can’t wait? I mean, look at the way he’s eyeing his wife’s dessert before he’s even finished his own.

Between Friends, 7/18/26

Big news in Between Friends: Maeve is getting married! Again! To her cheating, lying, emotionally manipulative, marginally employed snake of an ex-husband! If second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience, second marriage to this guy is how experience gets its revenge.

Heathcliff, 7/18/26

By car, scooter, elephant, cannon, or [squints] fish-guided bubblegum balloon—a cat’s gotta travel. Bro, man. Bro indeed.

Luann, 7/18/26

After months of agonizing “trying,” Toni Daytona-DeGroot is at last pregnant. “Thank God,” she exclaims, “I can finally stop having sex with Brad.”

Hey there! I’m filling in for Josh through Sunday the 26^th. Reach me at uncle.lumpy@comcast.net if you have any trouble with the site, your subscription, emails, or Patreon. Enjoy!

—Uncle Lumpy