Having supernatural beings of various ethical alignments battling for control of your actions (and, by extension, your soul) is an old comics trope, but usually these spirits are matched, good against evil. Poor Dagwood only has his own moral resources to draw upon in the battle against sinful sloth, and the results are predictable. In related news, if the sight of a Dagwood-headed jazz-handing actual demon doesn’t haunt your dreams for weeks, you are made of stronger stuff than I am, my friend.
Judge Parker, 5/5/13
“Abbey … what if he’s dead? What will happen to my money? Could I … lose … my money? Is it even possible for the verb ‘lose’ to have ‘my money’ as an object? This is all so terrifying for me!”
Mary Worth, 4/18/13
Well, it looks like fate did indeed have other plans for Beth — plans that she would meet her crush in the parking lot on the way to the grocery store! It should be smooth sailing to love for these two … but wait! Why is Tom’s face obscured by shadow? Is something sinister afoot? Is Beth not headed to Food Team? Is she a devoted customer of Shop4Food, Food Team’s hated rival? Will she refuse to go grocery shopping with Tom because she’s only 16 FoodPoints away from earning a 20-cent-per-gallon discount on gas when she swipes her 4Food4Points card at participating Exxon and Mobil stations? CAN THIS LOVE BE SAVED???
Funky Winkerbean, 4/18/13
Finally, Les’s smug happiness is going to be crushed! About time, too, it’s taken a whole week. First Funky blabbed to his newscaster ex-wife, and now this information is getting to … someone … sinister. Someone who can’t afford a nice couch or functioning Venetian blinds. Someone drinking a beer. Could this be the dude who knocked up Lisa, lo those many years ago, resulting in the birth of Darrin? Could he ruin the entire project by being a dick, somehow? Probably, since nothing in the Funkyverse really makes sense, except to induce more misery!
Apartment 3-G, 4/18/13
Ha, it seems that despite the governor’s transparent macking on Lu Ann, her project still didn’t win. “Let’s hear it for helping kids with special needs! It sure is better than helping the kids of veterans, am I right? Teaching art to vets’ kids is garbage, basically.”
Mark Trail, 4/18/13
Shelly sure is mad about this fishing business! It’s almost as if she said that she didn’t enjoy the outdoors, and nobody listened and made her go on a camping trip anyway. I absolutely love her furious face in the final panel. It looks like she’s decided that if the boys insist on her killing an animal this afternoon, she’s going to just go find one and strangle it.
Busy CEO Kingpin doesn’t have time to just sit around and watch his newly enslaved minion beat up Spider-Man! He has important things to do on the other side of the room. That’s why he has his assistant keep tabs on things for him, so that Kingpin will be alerted in the extremely likely case that Spider-Man starts running away like a coward.
The characters in and/or the creators of Blondie have a sadly tame idea of how students on spring break act.
Panels from Mary Worth, 4/14/13
Charles Lamb may have been called “the most lovable figure in English literature” by his principal biographer, but his out-of-context quote frankly terrifies me. “You say that he’s too good-looking, but … I advise you to look deeper! Why not get past the surface to see what sort of personal reality you can create, deep within his body, after you burrow into his chest cavity to nest, while terrified onlookers beg you to stop!”
Panel from Blondie, 4/14/13
“Hello, fellow human! Are you ready to knock some pins down at the bowling alley?! Possibly while consuming alcohol and becoming pleasantly intoxicated? I’m definitely a human, and not an alien being wearing a very clever disguise and perfectly mimicking your human language, ha ha!”
Panel from Slylock Fox, 4/14/13
Fortunately, before Slylock had to figure out another dumb little game to distract Max, a mighty owl swooped down and grabbed his rodent companion in its talons, carrying him off to be devoured. Max’s terrified screaming soon faded, and Sly was finally able get a good night’s sleep.
Judge Parker, 3/30/13
Judge Parker storylines are generally months long and unpredictably aimless, but I have to say that I’m surprised at how quickly “Judge Parker Junior’s elopement doesn’t go as planned” has morphed into “Judge Parker Senior is looking for a way out of his loveless second marriage.”
On a possibly related note, the Bumsteads are pretty much done with each other sexually, as are the Woodleys.
Mark Trail, 3/30/31
Later: “Mark, did you have a chance to get rid of Rusty forever and screw it up? I do not like hearing about this!”
Great things are happening over at Kingpin Laboratories! Under the inspiring guidance of the company CEO, Kingpin researchers are producing breathtaking innovations in neuroscience — with potentially profitable real-world implications! Meanwhile, across town, a freelance photographer manages, with some effort, to remember the name of a lawyer.
So it turns out that Dagwood’s inability to understand basic finance is just a symptom of his retreat into magical thinking when confronted with scarcity of any sort.
Scram, Ziggy! Rats want to use your house for fucking!
Apartment 3-G, 3/15/13
Wow, darkness is falling on the city … pretty abruptly there, huh? I mean, in panel one it looks to be about mid-afternoon and then Margo expresses affection for another human and then an inky eternal shadow descends over new york, there is no escape and it is so so cold
Family Circus, 3/15/13
“All this suburban bourgeois bullshit that you think is important? It’s like you’re smothering my soul with a pillow! Just thought I’d let you know.”
Wizard of Id, 3/15/13
Ha ha, it’s funny because the dragon likes to eat his own poop!
Easiest way to distract Dagwood from all the terrible news you’re about to give him about his financial condition: Metaphors! Lots of colorful, confusing metaphors!
Herb and Jamaal, 3/11/13
Ha ha, it’s funny because Jamaal used to have sex with lots of different women, but now he has trouble pooping.
Hi and Lois, 3/11/13
I’m pretty sure this is the first time we’ve ever seen Chip’s eyes? They’re terrifying.