Mark Trail, 9/10/15
Let’s all take a minute to appreciate what a thoughtful nature journalist Mark Trail is. Sure, that box of glowing rods marked by a giant radiation symbol is probably full of radioactive material, but wouldn’t it be embarrassing if a team from the Nuclear Regulatory Commission came out and found a bunch of gag novelty items or something like that? I think once Mark does eventually call them in, and they hear that he dicked around for a few days waiting for special dive suits to be shipped to him and then went poking around himself without any training on how to handle radioactive material, they’ll be glad he didn’t waste their time!
About a year ago I tore into Blondie for obviously having no idea what Twitter was or how it worked, so I now I have to recognize progress: as of September of 2015, Blondie knows exactly what Twitter is and how it works. Be sure to follow me on Twitter and watch how my tweeting rate increases rapidly as my workload and deadlines mount!
Dennis the Menace, 9/10/15
The only employer you ever hear Mr. Wilson talking about is the U.S. Postal Service. So, one job for his whole life, union representation, and a pension on retirement? Story checks out.
“Phew! She can’t taste the slow-acting poison after all! The nice man I ordered it from over the Internet was telling the truth!”
Mary Worth, 9/7/15
You guys. You guys. When I predicted this yesterday, I was kidding. Kidding. I mean, surely Toby wouldn’t dramatically tell Ian “do not try to look for me” and then lay low in literally the same building. Surely she has some friends other than Mary. Maybe we’ve never seen her interacting with them, but surely she had them. Some people she knows from the local art scene? Her old friends back in New York? Turns out nope! Turns out Mary’s all she’s got. This whole thing’s going to be fantastic. Anyway, since I can apparently control the course of this plot with my barely plausible predictions, here’s my next prediction: Toby will very quickly drive Mary up the wall by letting her filthy, filthy human skin touch all the surfaces in Mary’s apartment, her pure, beautiful, disinfected surfaces.
Ha ha, get it? Because megabytes are some kind of thing that’s inside a computer, and it sounds like you’re taking a MEGA (big) BITE (of food)? And Dagwood is a terrible compulsive eater, so he likes biting food? The saddest thing about this joke is that I’m pretty sure the Blondie Inc. Creative Brain Trust came up with it, like, ten years ago, and only now feel confident that their readership will really “get it,” and even then had Dagwood and Alexander say “megabyte” to each other four times, just to be sure.
Don’t worry, this turtle’s shell isn’t a twisted, unnatural attempt to mimic secondary mammalian sexual characteristics. She’s just deformed because she was born in a pile of garbage!
Funky Winkerbean, 9/7/15
THE DAY IS HERE
THE DAY WHEN THE LIVING FINALLY OVERTHROW THE TYRANNY OF THE DEAD
Mark Trail, 8/28/15
Oh my God, what did Mark to do this mysterious professor’s car that has her all icy towards him? Did he blow it up? Did he refuse to call it Dirty? Did he use it to store a bunch of nasty lesion-covered dead sharks? Did he punch it? Probably he punched it, right?
I eat a lot of gross, crappy science-chemical food-style products, but even I’m put off by the thought of a snack that would be shelf-stable enough to sit in a vending machine for who knows how long but could still be described as “gooey.” Dagwood’s eating issues are many and fascinating, is what I’m trying to say.
A Marvin strip that ostensibly isn’t about pooping, but where the title character uses the phrases “a full load” and “dumps his cargo,” then looks at his father’s open mouth, then stares at the reader with an awful, knowing smile? I can only interpret this as an open declaration of war against me and my truth-telling.