Archive: Blondie

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Mary Worth, 10/1/21

“Ah, mes amis! I realize I have not been keeping you up to date about my adventures with Weelbur. Je suis désolé! You see, what happened is, he has taken me out of his terrible apartment and unclipped me from the leash, and then I said au revoir forever! I shall ‘peace out,’ as you Americans say!”

Hi and Lois, 10/1/21

You know, one of my main philosophical beefs with religions that propose an afterlife of eternal rewards and/or punishments is the disproportionality of it all. Like, what could we possibly do in our finite life on Earth that would merit an eternity in heaven, or hell? Your soul in either place could exist for a billion years, so that your entire mortal life would basically be a long-forgotten blink of an eye, and that still would only be an infinitesimal fraction of what you have ahead of you. Can you imagine an angry Dawg confronting a baffled God, demanding to know why he only got 12 or so years on Earth, when soon everyone he ever loved would be joining him in heaven, and they’ll be happy together forever, as transcendent beings. Unless … the Flagstons are going to hell? They’re bad people, they’re going to hell, and Dawg, who lives with them and knows them intimately, is well aware that his few years on this plane are the only ones he’ll ever spend with them, as they’ll all be tortured for all eternity, for their sins? I realize this has gotten pretty heavy, but if Hi and Lois didn’t want me going down this road, it probably shouldn’t have done a comic where a little girl and a dog contemplate mortality.

Dustin, 10/1/21

The thing I appreciate about today’s Dustin is that Dustin’s dad is still wearing his suit, which means that he spent his evening commute seething in a white-hot rage, confident that when got home he would find that Dustin had once again failed to get a job or do anything productive, and worked himself up into a frenzy so intense that he had to find his no-good son and yell at him immediately upon arriving at the house, without even pausing to take off his tie. It’s funny because his whole life is nothing but a series of disappointments!

Blondie, 10/1/21

Having complimented Blondie’s punchline yesterday, I now feel like I have credibility to point out that today’s absolutely sucks ass. Establishing a whole German backstory for Lou (“Ludwig,” I guess?) just to deliver a gag about an oompah band playing a song not associated with oompah music and also see Dagwood get a pile of goo to eat, which despite his ravenous appetite seems very much not his bag? Terrible, terrible all around. Sad to see the strip blow its entire week’s supply of humor in a single day.

Dennis the Menace, 10/1/21

“I’m sure he’d like to. But he can’t! He can’t communicate with anyone! He’s screaming endlessly, in his own mind!” Menace level: very high.

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Dick Tracy, 9/30/21

One thing I’ve always respected about Dick Tracy is that it would be easy to portray Diet Smith as an eccentric but helpful inventor always willing to do his part to aid the authorities and stop crime, but instead it’s repeatedly hinted that he is a dude who is into some real sicko shit. Sure, he could use his Time Drone to solve mysteries or find buried treasure or whatever, but what if instead he acquired footage of our most beloved president getting his brains blown out in vivid 4K video and Dolby Atmos surround sound, and then he spent the next three days watching it over and over again, alone in his office, for science?

Funky Winkerbean, 9/30/21

Oh, say, how’s the current Funky Winkerbean plot, in which a running gag from the strip’s early wacky days is revived in pseudo-realistic fashion and revealed to be a source of profound trauma for everyone involved, going? Well, the memories that Holly’s return to majoretting have dug up are sure activating some latent rage at her emotionally abusive mother, whom she now lives with, so that should be fun for all concerned. Also, she broke her ankle!

Blondie, 9/30/21

Just to prove that I’m an emotionally mature and magnanimous person, I want to show you this Blondie, which has an absolutely solid, well-written joke that made me laugh. It does happen sometimes, in the legacy comics! Is it a little unnerving to notice that Herb also has the same weird baggy wrinkle neck as Dagwood? Yes! But I’m trying to ignore it, trying not to visualizing the neck-flesh quavering like jelly, and just focus on the unusually good punchline.

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Shoe, 9/28/21

The obvious version of this joke would have the Professor deliver his first line looking at his desk at work, or maybe in his home office. But nope, instead he’s saying it while looking at his living room chair, and I assume that the “lots” he has to do involves catching up on various prestige television shows and finishing off yesterday’s pizza and snacks, which he’s blowing off to read about golf instead. A true legend of sloth!

Blondie, 9/28/21

I’ve never really gotten a handle on how old Elmo is supposed to be, exactly, but I refuse to acknowledge a scenario where he’s capable of drawing Mr. Dithers’s and Dagwood’s faces (side note: there is no reason for Elmo to have ever met or even seen a picture of Mr. Dithers) with such precision, and yet be unable to properly write the letter E. I have to assume that he’s chosen a whimsical “childish” signature as part of his artistic #brand, which may explain why he’s placed (in-universe) photorealistic drawings on stick-figure bodies.

Beetle Bailey, 9/28/21

You’ve got to admit that “killed stateside by friendly fire” was always the most probably way for Beetle Bailey to die, just edging out “organ failure from repeated beatings from Sarge” and “slept too hard.”