Mary Worth, 4/1/15
Looks like Adam and Terry weren’t just makeout partners; they were also partners … in crime. Wait, did I say “crime?” I meant “fighting crime, and specifically fighting crime through the medium of pretending to be criminals, so as to fool the real criminals.” Their crime-disguises are just so accurate that I forgot for a minute. An electric blue suit over a white non-buttoned shirt? Lime green short-shorts, long non-ponytailed hair, and sunglasses? Striking bold, unafraid poses in this criminal hellscape (why would you throw a blank piece of letter-size paper onto the sidewalk directly in front of a trash can unless you were the worst kind of monster)? This behattèd ne’er-do-well is going to spill his criminal guts to our heroes, thinking he’s talking to fellow lowlifes! Then they’ll go have some victory makeouts.
Funky Winkerbean, 4/1/15
So Mopey Pete has been strongarmed by his editor into doing a terrible dumb story for the comic book series he writes where it turns out that the superhero everyone’s been following and loving has been an evil (?) clone for years. Now a bunch of fans are going to freak the fuck out about it on the Internet, threatening to subject Pete to vigilante justice! Finally, a storyline where I can feel free to hate literally everybody involved.
Mary Worth, 3/31/15
Well, well, it seems Terry and Adam had a nice little thing going on before he became a stalker-y creep. They had it all — both at work, which apparently involved handing pamphlets to a combovered man while standing at attention and smirking, and at play, by which they mean brazenly making out with Adam wearing nothing but his undershirt. His undershirt! It’s a good thing Mary can’t see this shameful reverie … or can she?
Ha ha, it’s funny because Marvin is going try to sell food to people but hopes that the persistent odor of his feces will result in them eating less than what they’ve paid for!
Gasoline Alley, 3/31/15
WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW BOOG
Mary Worth, 3/27/15
Hey, guys, remember back in 2009, when Mark and Cherry Trail’s friend Patty kept a deer in her house and it infuriated her violent, jealous husband who slapped her around for it (not pictured) and shot the deer, but then the deer came back for revenge and injured him and they decided to let bygones be bygones and adopt a baby? This was egregious enough to generate actual angry letters to King Features, who said that they “should have done a better job of researching the facts about domestic violence” and “We can only apologize sincerely to the readers of Mark Trail for this oversight and endeavor to be more vigilant in the future.” So I’m hoping this vigilance will result in some negative reprecussions for Adam, whose decision to track down Terry has caused her to burst into tears and run away in panic and that’s before she finds out he’s literally moved into her apartment building? Rather than having Mary gently guide to two of them to the altar? Wait, never mind, this is Mary Worth, we know what they do to stalkers here.
Mark Trail, 3/27/15
In new-look Mark Trail, the only violence will be part of the eternal war of man against bug. Bankrupted by beetles! How humiliating that must be for you, Mark’s Friend With Hair That’s Really Aggressively Retreating At The Temples!
Rex Morgan, M.D., 3/27/15
Meanwhile, in Rex Morgan, M.D., we find out that anyone who dares to inconvenience Sarah Morgan or her entourage in any way gets a MEATY FIST IN THE THROAT. Who exactly are we supposed to be rooting for here again? I mean, in theory I’m against punching as an end game for economic disputes, but the thuggish enforcer of a longtime mob family does make some pretty good points about loyalty and the nature of patron-client relationships here.
Congratulations, Newspaper Spider-Man Comic Strip! You started a Wolverine storyline a full two months after the release of Wolverine: Origins, and an Avengers storyline four months before the release of the first Avengers movie, but now you’re introducing a storyline featuring beloved Avengers character Black Widow a mere five weeks before the release of the new Avengers movie! This is a decent example of cross-platform marketing for Marvel franchises! Spider-Man the character is still hilariously incompetent, of course, but Spider-Man the comic strip is kind of doing its job well for once.
Gil Thorp, 3/27/15
I DID IT EVERYONE
I SUCCESSFULLY PREDICTED THE ENDING OF THIS STORYLINE
WHO ELSE COULD’VE — oh, literally everybody? Oh, OK. Damn it, now I’m mostly just bummed that we didn’t get to see the no doubt hilariously inept Max-Bobby fisticuffs.