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Mary Worth, 9/25/26

Dang, Alma, you were the most sensible person in this whole situation for about 30 seconds, but now you’re out there buttonholing people in the Charterstone parking lot to tell them the good bad news about Mary Worth and Ian maybe enjoying the pleasures of the flesh together. We’re about to finally get some forward movement in this story, though, because this constant gossiping is at last happening with Toby within earshot. I do hope she really only caught that last part. “Wait, spend that time with me? That’s time I could be spending with my parrots! No thanks.”

Gil Thorp, 9/25/26

Gotta say, the second two panels here, where a glowering, mustachio’d Marty Moon says “The success is largely on Borys Orlov’s shoulders–” and then Coach Gerards cuts him off and and declares “Nonsense! I plan and they execute” really could be an exchange between Stalin and one of his aides, as the aide tries to explain to him that one of his non-purged generals had really started to turn things around against the Wehrmacht and Stalin immediately takes credit. Except for the perm. Probably. Can you prove that, in the darkest days of the Battle of Moscow, Stalin didn’t have a long, flowing perm? He’s usually wearing hats in most of the pictures I’ve seen. Could be anything under there.

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Luann, 9/24/26

Hey, remember how Toni got pregnant, as a result of shower sex with Brad? Probably you’ve been trying to purge that information from your mind, but tough shit, I’m telling you about the current Luann storyline so you have to get into the right headspace by recalling all the backstory. Anyway, Brad and Toni told the whole family and friend group about this blessed event, and they’re being as normal about it as you can expect. If you want to be normal about it, you can visit Luann Fan dot com, where you can vote on whether you want Brad and Toni to find out if it’s a boy, find out if it’s a girl, or, somewhat confusingly, wait to find out — in other words, you’re not actually taking a guess about the gender of their future child, but rather taking a guess about their experience of learning the gender, or, alternately, of forgoing the opportunity to do so.

The voting is via a janky looking Google Form, and you have to kind of respect that the Luann creative team went this route rather than, say, partnering with Kalshi to provide the opportunity to bet on buy a futures contract about what and if Brad and Toni would learn about their baby’s genital configuration, with the help of a trusted CFTC-regulated futures market partner. I guess they’re happy with the other revenue opportunities the Luann Fan dot com website generates, like the upcoming sale of Books One and Two of The Saga of Brad and Toni. Order now if you hate yourself and hate life!

Dustin, 9/24/26

Do you think this little girl knows that Dustin is an adult? Sorry, I know I should be focused on the bigger picture here, which is that this strip is unpleasantly transposing the “attractive, supercilious woman treats a hapless man with contempt” bit it loves to do with Dustin at fern bars onto children; but I’m just really hung up on the question of whether the girl knows that the neighbor kid here is friends with a grown-ass man in his twenties, or if she thinks this advice he’s relaying secondhand came from another child.

Mary Worth, 9/24/26

Sorry to not keep you up to date on what’s been happening in Mary Worth, but all that’s been happening in Mary Worth has been Nelly telling everyone about all the time Mary and Ian have been spending together, or other people telling each other what they’ve heard from Nelly. This has been going on for, like, a while, but she’s really going at it with dogged determination. Are you hearing impaired? Don’t think she’s going to withhold this information from you; she’s happy to yell it as loudly as necessary.

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Dick Tracy, 9/17/26

An aspect of this rapidly concluding Dick Tracy plot that I kind of lost interest in early was that Sam Catchem was sexually coerced into going undercover into the seedy world of online gaming to track down Widescreen’s gang. The looming question, of course, is whether he’d get a taste for these newfangled “video games” in the process. Turns out nope! Widescreen is dead and he’s logging out forever. It’s back to wholesome pursuits for Sam, like curling up on the couch with a copy of Derby Dugan: The Geebus Years.

Gil Thorp, 9/17/26

“Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the bleachers of the Valley Conference, Beth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I have come to turn a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law — a man’s enemies will be the members of his own household. We’re just getting started.”

Mary Worth, 9/17/26

“I heard that Ian Cameron spends more time with Mary Worth than with his own wife … doing I don’t know what! … Nelly said something that sounded like ‘segs,’ maybe, but it wasn’t a word I recognized. But supposedly that’s what she and Ian are doing!”