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Judge Parker, 8/2/26

Oh wow, as predicted, that big Hollywood exec loved Ann’s little sermon and green-lit the series as soon as she stalked out of the room. So now it looks like all’s well that ends … wait, what’s that? April’s calling? She wants to make sure her intellectual property rights to Netflix’s new daughters extended universe are respected? And she’s calling on whatever number Neddy has for her in her phone? Which presumably could be very easily tracked by [tries and fails to remember who April is on the run from exactly, decides it’s not worth investigating] her enemies?

Mary Worth, 8/2/26

So Dawn has been unable to track down Tommy ever since he overheard Wilbur talking shit about him, leading him to purchase drugs and subsequently flush them down the toilet. This has caused Dawn some anxiety, but good news! He’s fine. He’s come by to tell Dawn that her good words strengthened his resolve, and he did a bunch of drugs to prove to himself that he can quit whenever he wants and that he’s not an addict anymore. Problem solved!

Suburban Fairy Tales, 8/2/26

Suburban Fairy Tales is a strip whose main characters are the Three Little Pigs, and one thing that’s always bugged me about it is that it neglects the Three Little Pigs’ best-known defining characteristics: that they have wildly divergent skills when it comes to building structures that can endure abuse. Well, today is a shout-out to us Three Little Pigs oldheads, and I for one appreciate it.

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Mary Worth, 7/27/26

Did you, Wilbur? Did you change? Did you change, Wilbur? Is that what you think? That you changed your behavior and general vibe, somehow? Is that your perception of the situation? That you changed? Interesting. Interesting!

Hello, faithful readers! I am back from my vacation, grateful as ever for Uncle Lumpy for filling in for me and grateful as ever to you for your very kind contributions to the Summer Fundraiser! You’ll all be getting your individualized thank yous soon enough, but first: today’s comics, full as usual with violence and mayhem!

Hagar the Horrible, 7/27/26

I honestly first read this as “their mood stabilizer” and assumed that the joke was that Hagar’s men, bored and antsy after who knows how long at sea, had turned on one another. But no, the joke is that Hagar is filled with deeper violent impulses than any of us imagined, impulses that cannot be controlled even with the best of 10th century pharmaceutical science, and has beaten his men bloody in a terrifying episode that it seems he’s completely forgotten about mere moments later. Quick, Lucky Eddie! Strike now, while he’s calm, and either rescue your fellow crewmen or earn your place in Valhalla!

Pluggers, 7/27/26

When it comes to rain, a plugger knows it’s either too much, which provides a perfect cover for strangling a frog, or not enough, which increases the risk that someone will see you strangling the frog and you’ll get in trouble for it. That’s why pluggers are so effective at frog murder: they time it just right.

Herb and Jamaal, 7/27/26

Wow, that’s really profound, when you think about it that way! So I guess what you’re saying is that just owning things is enough, and I don’t have to ever clean them? Uh, for my family, this helps my family.

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Alice, 7/21/26

… but … but that’s just the Internet, isn’t it?

Dick Tracy, 7/21/26

Sam is on the trail of a gang of hackers including “Widescreen” (gamer handle “WSOD”), a rude and extremely undisciplined lout who brags in open forums about his taste for upscale takeout and gaming chairs found only in neo‑Chicago, and now reveals the timing of his next heist to Sam’s undercover identity. This calls for a burst of Rapid-Fire Typing, and you can tell by his look of grim determination that Sam is here for it.

Mary Worth, 7/21/26

Oh come on, Mary—this is Wilbur Weston, for crying out loud. Does that sullen, belligerent troll look like he’s about to show anybody some grace? NO GRACE WILL BE SHOWN!

—Uncle Lumpy