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Comics archive! Mary Worth

Mostly soapy Monday

Mark Trail, 5/25/15

Oh whoops, sorry I haven’t been keeping you up to date on all the Mark Trail action, but trust me when I tell you that after this terrifying helicopter crash everything went fine and the fire was put out by helpful forest rangers and nobody died, boooooring. Anyway, today I certainly hope we’re being introduced to a new recurring character or maybe even the star of his own spin-off strip: Cheerful Suspenders-Wearing Forest Firefighter Guy! Audiences love it when he flashes a crooked grin, tips his helmet, and delivers his beloved catchphrase: “The crew has the fire under control! HA-cha-cha!”

Judge Parker, 5/25/15

Speaking of people tipping their helmet in a courtly fashion, looks like there’s a new hunky he-hunk in town to vie for Neddy’s affection! Sure, she has a sort-of boyfriend who’s in Hong Kong and who’s supposed to be coming back to Spencer-Driverburg … tomorrow? Tomorrow in strip time? Tomorrow’s a long way off in Judge Parker chronology (about eight to fourteen weeks, by my estimate), so Neddy will have lots of time to contemplate Hank’s muscled forearms and cleft chin and the fact that he works for her so she is allowed to choose him for sexual services, in accordance with Spencer law. Also, isn’t Neddy Neddy’s designer? Like, the whole point of this operation is to manufacture the clothes she … designs, right? Never mind, though, look at that boyishly tousled hair, this guy can design whatever he wants, knowwhatimean??? (I mean sex, he can design sex, with Neddy.)

Crankshaft, 5/25/15

And speaking of crooked grins, I know that lopsided sarcasm-smirks are the Funkyverse’s dominant facial expression, but maybe don’t put one on someone who you’re drawing in semi-realistic closeup? Because otherwise it just kinda looks like they’ve had a terrible facial injury that’s mostly sealed up their mouth with scar tissue, dear God.

Mary Worth, 5/25/15

“Three things! I did three things for you! I took you to a restaurant. A restaurant! Now just tell me, if I were a truck, would you report me for veering wildly across multiple lanes of traffic, or would you have sex with me? I need to know!”

Hagar the Horrible, 5/25/15

Hagar definitely stabbed that guy with his sword between panels two and three, right? Stabbed him to death? Stabbed him to death and took his pizza?

Saturday quickies

Crankshaft, 5/23/15

Philosophical question for you: if you derive joy from seeing Crankshaft so emotionally devastated that he’s thrown a towel over his head so that nobody can see him sobbing uncontrollably, are you as bad as Crankshaft? Asking for a friend.

Mary Worth, 5/23/15

“For instance, we’re probably too old to have children, but that doesn’t mean we can’t nurture this horrifying stuffed dog I won for you at the fair! We’ll treat like it’s our very own and force all our friends to stare into its uncanny face, and won’t even have to pay to send it to college!”

Slylock Fox, 5/23/15

Speaking of uncanny faces, check out these cats! Which two are exactly alike? Why not examine them intently until you can figure it out, or until you pass out while sweating and crying uncontrollably, whichever comes first?

“Look, Ruff, we need the ancillary merchandising dollars, just eat the damn lasagna”

Dennis the Menace, 5/18/15

Dennis usually gets to let loose the menacing bon mots in this feature, but today it’s Henry’s turn to engage in a little light cruelty. “Look at that dumb dog! Doesn’t even know what day it is. Garfield, now there’s a cartoon animal that knows how to read a calendar, by God.”

Mary Worth, 5/18/15

Terry Bryson has decided to hang out with her dangerously obsessed ex, engaging in risky activities like unsupervised balloon rides over jagged mountain peaks and, apparently, riding on roller coasters that have no seat belts or adequate restraint bars. “TAKE ME, DEATH,” she’s basically shouting in panel two, hoping to be torn from the seat by centrifugal force and hurled across the amusement park. I think we’re finally learning that Terry’s sorely missed the adrenaline-soaked thrill ride that police work provided on a daily basis. Teaching dim trophy wives how to avoid phishing scams simply won’t cut it for her any more.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 5/18/15

You know what’s a cool way to improve your social standing in school? Bring your smirking high-powered lawyer to a meeting at the principal’s office. It’s a power move that other kids respect!

Six Chix, 5/18/15

Why … why is the tooth fairy in the bed of a full-grown woman

DEAR GOD IS THIS WHAT I HAVE TO LOOK FORWARD TO