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Comics archive! Mary Worth

Or you could use her clothes as towels, since she doesn’t seem to be taking any of them

Rex Morgan, M.D., 8/31/15

Guys, let me take you on a magical journey back to 2007, when Milton Avery, not yet demented, was presumed dead after his plane crashed into the Atlantic. Heather’s stepson Hugh, who had never met Heather but was the same age as her and referred to her as a “gold-digging nanny,” immediately attempted to seize control of the Milton’s company, which Heather and company factotum Pete attempted to prevent, with help from Rex. Our heroes succeeded via confusing boardroom skullduggery; eventually, Heather and Hugh made peace, Milton turned out to not be dead after all and, in a plot point I never quite understood, Pete was secretly trying to kill everybody the whole time.

ANYWAY, here we are a mere eight years later, and Heather is apparently planning to use the last shreds of Milton’s lucidity in a heist-like manuever to gain control of the company for good, right under the nose of Avery International’s taco (?) loving security staff. Presumably once her poor husband manages to smile amiably and sign whatever documents the lawyers put in front of him, he’ll be bundled off to a drafty castle in his native Britain, to “rest,” while Heather runs (and profits from) his financial empire. The only question is how Jordan will attempt to betray her.

Mary Worth, 8/31/15

Meanwhile, Toby is leaving Ian and taking all the linens with her. Sheets? Towels? Pillowcases? You won’t have access to any of those in your new post-marital existence, Ian. Hope you enjoy getting out of the shower and flopping your soggy body onto your uncovered mattress, because that’s your life now.

Funky Winkerbean, 8/31/15

“You know what they say: I keep getting older, I keep using increasingly transparent philosophical maunderings to justify my sexual obsession with teenage girls!”

Your precious poetry can’t save you now, professor

Family Circus, 8/29/15

Ma and Pa Keane are honestly not very good at keeping their children’s minds from being contaminated by content from outside the Keane Kompound. Why, here little Dolly and Jeffy are being allowed to watch a bearded jazz-man play his devilish tunes! They could even be taping this on the VCR and watching it repeatedly if they wanted! Don’t their parents know that the line that begins with Dave Brubeck leads directly to morphine addiction?

Mary Worth, 8/29/15

NOOOOOO IAN AND TOBY, DON’T GET DIVORCED! YOU’RE AMERICA’S SWEETHEARTS! I feel like because I cheered on their fight for my own entertainment I’m at least partially responsible for this.

Funky Winkerbean, 8/29/15

If Les can’t be fired for being a smug, grandiose dick, maybe he can be fired for pushing religion in public schools.

Horrifying Thursday

Dick Tracy, 8/27/15

Under the previous Dick Tracy creative team, every plot ended with the villain dispatched in some completely nightmarish and violent way. They were burned to death, blown up, torn to pieces by dogs, had their minds erased by their own diabolical machines, plummeted into a smokestack, fell to their death and had their still-fresh corpse run over by a bulldozer, and, in the final storyline before the strip was handed off to the new writer and artist, were eaten alive by rats while begging for help. Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that today’s strip, in which two bad guys contemplate the mangled body of their boss, who they just accidentally shot with a massive pistol, and his guts are splattered everywhere, and one of them is on the verge of vomiting in mingled horror and disgust, is really just par for the course, historically speaking.

Mary Worth, 8/27/15

Fortunately, all the violence in today’s Mary Worth is emotional, as Ian and Toby finally both admit exactly what they think of each other (“parasitical dilettante” and “pompous boor”, respectively). I’m just glad to see that the two of them set down their mugs of steaming hot cocoa between panels one and two. They’re going to want both hands free for dramatic gesticulation over the course of this argument.

Spider-Man, 8/27/15

Meanwhile, Peter and Mary Jane’s cruise is being menaced by some sort of terrifying sea-dick.