Rex Morgan, M.D., 2/3/16
They say millennials are abandoning the suburbs and prefer to live in walkable city neighborhoods. Is Sarah a millennial? She’s, what, six, but she was also six in 2004 when I started this blog, which means she was born in 1998 or thereabouts. That makes her Generation Z, which, c’mon guys, we’re gonna need a new name there. Anyhoo, Rex looks pretty perturbed at getting lifestyle advice from a six-year-old, but not really perturbed enough to do anything about it.
For everyone who thought the Lockhorns couldn’t accurately depict a modern-day hipster stereotype in that classic Lockhorns style: I guess this panel proved you wrong! They even got that look of withering contempt right, though I’m not sure if a stereotypical hipster would care that much that Leroy is name-checking a boxer who lost the heavyweight championship months ago.
Dennis the Menace, 2/3/16
Little-known fact: it’s possible to become so un-menacing that you loop all the way around and become menacing again. Among menaces, this tricky maneuver is called “the Eddie Haskell”.
Hi and Lois, 1/28/16
“Why can’t we ever have a sleepover?” Trixie thinks. “Why can’t the sun remain forever in the sky, quickly warming our side of the globe beyond the ability of any life to survive, until the seas boil and the air burns away, while the other hemisphere is locked into eternal, icy night?” Fortunately, she isn’t one of those babies who have God-like powers to control time and space with her mind. She can just form adult sentences and concepts but can’t verbalize or act on them, so we really dodged a bullet here.
Judge Parker, 1/28/16
You know, I poke a lot of fun at the Spence-Drivers for their vast wealth and privilege, but let it never be said that they don’t deal with hardships! For instance, Abby spends so much time on her vast, lucrative farm that she’s no longer physically capable of smelling horse shit. Give Sam a few months in his new home office and his nose will be similarly damaged!
Meanwhile, Marvin’s friends, in defiance of all medical logic, are still fully able to experience the toxic miasma that surrounds him at all times. Today, though, the cold weather has caused whatever foul brew is in his diapers to freeze solid. This seems like it would be bad for him, health-wise, so it’s a good thing I don’t care about his well-being.
Rex Morgan, M.D., 1/28/16
“So you see, honey, I get to decide who lives and who dies and I have an excuse to ignore you while we eat. It’s what grownups call a ‘win-win.’”
Rex Morgan, M.D., 1/27/16
June and Heather have spent the past several days discussing the fact that Heather loves June’s new baby and wants to have a baby but is married to a man vanishing into Alzheimer’s and thus will never have a baby and is very sad about it. But remember, Heather isn’t just a sad Scottish ex-nanny with a senile husband; she’s also a criminal conspirator who has masterminded schemes of corporate skullduggery not once but twice. She is going to feel zero moral qualms about kidnapping that baby the moment June leaves the room, is what I’m saying.
This is a joke about … STDs, maybe? “Bad colds” being code for “herpes”? That’s the joke? Or maybe the joke is “Francis thinks it’s OK to say ‘My new girlfriend is always kissing me! Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss!’ to his mother, which isn’t a ‘joke’ so much as a ‘nightmare from which we will never wake.’”
Dennis the Menace, 1/27/16
There are few things more unsettlingly menacing than spending hours each night poring over old Calvin and Hobbes strips and then passing off the behavior you’re carefully mimicking as “naturally weird.”
Hi and Lois, 1/27/16
See, you thought the joke of this cartoon was going to be that these little kids unthinkingly reminded the old man that he would be dead soon, but in fact the joke is that they’ve reminded him of the many terrible, terrible things he’s seen and done. It’s nice when a long-standing feature like Hi and Lois can keep you guessing!