Rex Morgan, M.D.
Apartment 3-G, 3/30/15
I’m reasonably sure that we haven’t met Carla before, but I assume from context that this latest Apartment 3-G character who looks kind of like, but is not, Lu Ann is Margo’s assistant? Anyway, the hand that Carla is gently resting on Margo’s collarbone rekindles prospects of Margo/Margo’s assistant sexytimes for all of us who finally gave up on the Sargo pairing. “You don’t have to demean me … but you could, if you wanted to as part of consensual dom/sub workplace roleplay.” Either that or Carla’s about to strangle her, one of the two.
Rex Morgan, M.D., 3/30/15
Speaking of workplace dominance, I am getting more excited about Nurse Carter’s apocalyptic arrival on the Morgan clinic scene by the day. “Yeah, I spent years in the DESERT getting HUMAN BLOOD all over me when I was UP TO MY ELBOWS in the GUTS of young people who got BLOWN UP for your FREEDOM to not use a FUCKING NAPKIN when you eat a SANDWICH, so we’re cool, don’t worry about it.”
Man, Jughead sure looks awfully smug in that final panel. “Haha, this sure is a savage zinger that I didn’t even dare speak aloud, even though I’m miles away from the school cafeteria and its staff. I’m dying, bit by bit!”
Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 3/30/15
Hey, are you vaguely aware of bitcoin, the distributed cryptocurrency that very few people care about but the ones who do care about it care about it a lot and won’t shut up about it? Were you wondering when it would stop being a thing? Well, good news, it’s a punchline in Snuffy Smith, so I’m pretty sure it’s officially not a thing anymore.
In today’s Crankshaft, Crankshaft’s saddest friend has a flat tire! That’s … the joke?
Funky Winkerbean, 3/29/15
This isn’t the first time Funky Winkerbean has used “Nordic” as a euphemism for “clinically depressed.” “I think following that couple through those movies is a lot of fun.” “Yeah, you know what else is a lot of fun? Thinking about how everybody dies and none of us escape.”
Panel from Slylock Fox, 3/29/15
“Slylock helped the bird cough it up.” Haha, how much of Slylock’s job consists of him rooting around the gullets of semi-sapient animals who’ve accidentally eaten some valuable object or piece of evidence? “I’ll just, uh, be over here holding this nice lady’s purse,” says Max.
Rex Morgan, M.D. 3/29/15
Oh hey I haven’t talked about it at all but there’s been this whole other non-Sarah non-mob storyline about Nurse Becka who got a black eye from maybe falling into a dresser in the middle of an argument with her cheating husband and then abruptly quit her job and left town, so now we’ve got her replacement … Nurse Carter! Nurse Carter is here to clean up this operation. Literally. This operation is covered with mayonnaise. It’s pretty disgusting.
Panels from Dennis the Menace, 3/29/15
“In my day, during the long, anarchic regency for the child Emperor Of All Space Glorbax IX, we didn’t need a video game to raid the galaxy! We just went down to the Star Docks, found the most disreputable ship’s captain we could spot, swore a blood oath to defend his ship’s honor, and then launched into the lightly guarded Outer Rim systems! The Galactic Peacekeepers were thin on the ground out there, so we could bomb whole cities into submission, load up our cargo bay with the valuables we salvaged from the smoking ruins, and then headed to the Market Zone, where nobody asked any questions. Sometimes we’d even ensl — er, wait, no, I mean, uh, we played some dumb kangaroo game, here on Earth, where I’ve lived my whole life, yeah, that’s it.”
Mary Worth, 3/27/15
Hey, guys, remember back in 2009, when Mark and Cherry Trail’s friend Patty kept a deer in her house and it infuriated her violent, jealous husband who slapped her around for it (not pictured) and shot the deer, but then the deer came back for revenge and injured him and they decided to let bygones be bygones and adopt a baby? This was egregious enough to generate actual angry letters to King Features, who said that they “should have done a better job of researching the facts about domestic violence” and “We can only apologize sincerely to the readers of Mark Trail for this oversight and endeavor to be more vigilant in the future.” So I’m hoping this vigilance will result in some negative reprecussions for Adam, whose decision to track down Terry has caused her to burst into tears and run away in panic and that’s before she finds out he’s literally moved into her apartment building? Rather than having Mary gently guide to two of them to the altar? Wait, never mind, this is Mary Worth, we know what they do to stalkers here.
Mark Trail, 3/27/15
In new-look Mark Trail, the only violence will be part of the eternal war of man against bug. Bankrupted by beetles! How humiliating that must be for you, Mark’s Friend With Hair That’s Really Aggressively Retreating At The Temples!
Rex Morgan, M.D., 3/27/15
Meanwhile, in Rex Morgan, M.D., we find out that anyone who dares to inconvenience Sarah Morgan or her entourage in any way gets a MEATY FIST IN THE THROAT. Who exactly are we supposed to be rooting for here again? I mean, in theory I’m against punching as an end game for economic disputes, but the thuggish enforcer of a longtime mob family does make some pretty good points about loyalty and the nature of patron-client relationships here.
Congratulations, Newspaper Spider-Man Comic Strip! You started a Wolverine storyline a full two months after the release of Wolverine: Origins, and an Avengers storyline four months before the release of the first Avengers movie, but now you’re introducing a storyline featuring beloved Avengers character Black Widow a mere five weeks before the release of the new Avengers movie! This is a decent example of cross-platform marketing for Marvel franchises! Spider-Man the character is still hilariously incompetent, of course, but Spider-Man the comic strip is kind of doing its job well for once.
Gil Thorp, 3/27/15
I DID IT EVERYONE
I SUCCESSFULLY PREDICTED THE ENDING OF THIS STORYLINE
WHO ELSE COULD’VE — oh, literally everybody? Oh, OK. Damn it, now I’m mostly just bummed that we didn’t get to see the no doubt hilariously inept Max-Bobby fisticuffs.