Oh, Shoe, you know that given my druthers I’d prefer not to contemplate the twisted chimeric anatomy of your bird-person characters, right? Especially when it comes to the naughty parts. I try not to think about those at all. I only contemplated the concept of bird-breasts obliquely, once, which didn’t stop TV Tropes from quoting me in the epigraph of the article on the subject. Anyway, the secondary sexual characteristics of these abhorrent beings are unpleasant enough to grapple with, but today’s strip demands that we give serious thought to the downstairs situation of these monsters. Specifically: do the bird-people of Shoe have a single cloaca that serves as the end point for their intestinal, reproductive, and urinary tracts, like birds, or do they have separate orifices for these different jobs, like humans? Related: do they bear live young, or lay eggs? I mean, any joke about some poor woman going into labor in the midst of a natural disaster and having her child forced back up inside her so she has to give birth again and again is awful enough even if it doesn’t raise disturbing questions about the the plumbing involved, you know?
Mary Worth, 9/12/14
Welp, as predicted, Mary is already starting to justify to herself the slow fade she’s going to pull on her beloved little friend Olive. “If only there were some way to communicate over a long physical distance! If these new-fangled computers could carry a message, that would be convenient, or perhaps if some government agency or private business existed that would, for a small fee, transport written correspondence. Ah well, no point in having regrets over the impossible, I suppose!”
Rex Morgan, M.D., 9/12/14
You heard it here first: Mrs. Pierpont, recognizing Sarah’s prodigy-level artistic talent, is going to groom her as a master art forger, having her current aging employee train her in this lucrative craft before his eyesight goes. Hope you enjoy spending your childhood churning out fake Miros in a windowless warehouse basement “studio,” Sarah!
Crankshaft is of course an insufferable asshole, but his name is the title of the strip, which means that he is literally the reason his entire spacetime continuum exists, and everything and everyone else there has been called into being merely to further his story. When you think about it, it’s actually surprising that more characters in the strip haven’t angrily turned their back on God.
It does seem a little sad that, in order to find a foe worthy of Newspaper Spider-Man’s capabilities, the strip creators have had to pick a character out of the deep Spider-Man rogues gallery who’s literally a moron. I do like the Ox-eye’s view in panel two, in which Spidey attempts to physically draw the information out of his bewebbèd foe. In panel three, our hero expresses shock that someone in the criminal underground wouldn’t want to freely give out his name.
I’m truly enjoying the emotional roller-coaster our hapless fast food employee is on here, from glum sadness to eye-twitching rage. Remember, advertising isn’t just business-to-consumer communications (B2C, as we say in the biz); it’s also business-to-business, or B2B! Join the fast-paced world of fast-food franchising, where you can serve delicious burgers to customers who are as attractive as these handsome actors! The sour looks all around in the final panel are a sad commentary on the web of mutual deceit on which modern consumer culture is built.
Rex Morgan, M.D., 9/9/14
Isn’t this charming! The mysterious millionaire who creepily wears widow’s weeds at all times and her thuggish henchman have brought these children to a windowless warehouse corridor in a dangerous neighborhood! GOOD PARENTING DECISIONS BY THE MORGANS, AS PER USUAL.
Anthropologists tend to see distinctions between societies that enforce rules of social conduct based on guilt and those that enforce them based on shame. They should probably study wherever it is Dagwood came from, since he is clearly capable of neither.
After some time spent away from comics-blogging, you come back and ask yourself: has anything changed? Fortunately, if you like consistency and stability and have just subjected yourself to a huge life transition, the answer when it comes to the comics is always a resounding no!
Apartment 3-G, 9/6/14
Tommie is outlining her entire romantic history, and, guess what, is still super boring! “And that’s when I fell instantly and immediately in love and my life changed fore–” “Yeah, look, Tommie, I gotta … go, I have a … thing, can’t miss it, let’s catch up at a … later … date, yeah, that’s it, we’ll hang out later.”
Crankshaft is, guess what, still being a superdick to his ostensible friends! “Hey guys, my brain still works, unlike yours!” he says, without any hint of a smile that might make this seem like friendly ribbing. “My faculties are still entirely intact. It’s only my cruelty that’s being exacerbated by old age.”
Mary Worth, 9/6/14
Mary is, as ever, still extolling the virtues of love and friendship while keeping all actual humans at arm’s length, emotionally speaking. “I’d like to come visit New York to spend time with you, Olive, but I’m not sure when I can, or if I can, since I have such a busy, demanding schedule of doing nothing and seeing nobody! Anyway, I got New York City ex-boyfriend problems, so it’s probably for the best if I don’t show my face around there.”
Judge Parker, 9/6/14
And people are still getting starry-eyed when engaging with the Spencer-Driver clan and throwing resources at them, even when they themselves are actual celebrities! “Wow, Sam, let’s hear your impartial legal advice: should I let your daughter start her business in a building I own, rent-free?” “Gosh, I don’t know, Rocky, just to make sure there’s no potential conflict of interest, maybe you should consult your own in-house counsel, the one who worked for me until like 20 minutes ago and whose wife is Neddy’s financial manager!”
Rex Morgan, M.D., 9/6/14
And June Morgan still know that as long as things are going her way, it’s best not to ask questions. “Huh, so this old lady who’s abruptly taken our five year old daughter under her wing is from a family of violent criminals?” “Who cares?” “Do you think she and her thuggish henchman are armed?” “STOP TALKING THIS IS NOT TIME FOR TALKING THIS IS TIME FOR EATING HAMBURGERS THE SIZE OF OUR FACES”