The Comics Curmudgeon

Wednesday windfall

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Update: Out of Margo bracelets as of 5/15/13 early morning. Thanks again, generous readers!

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Judge Parker, 5/15/13

Ho ho, quite the little geopolitical economist our Sophie, eh? Here the economy of Niger is portrayed as a giant Ponzi scheme, substituting modern easy-to-trade firearms for old-timey low-liquidity postal reply coupons. Next step is to formalize it as a multi-level marketing enterprise, recruiting unclaimed hostages as kidnappers to build the downline and create a never-ending upward spiral of guns, hostages, and ransom money. Then fire up the sales team by giving everybody a logo t-shirt with the slogan: “Guns go ‘POW’ — ask me how!”

Spider-Man, 5/15/13

Hey Spider-Man! Take a tip from lawyer Matt Murdoch on the first rule of questioning a witness: “Don’t ask a question if you won’t like the answer.”

Mark Trail, 5/15/13

Oops.

Slylock Fox, 5/15/13

Pluggers, Jr. meets The Daily Jumble. As a plugger himself, dog-man is merely alarmed by his neighbors’ atrocious table manners. Out-of-town visitor parrot-man, on the other hand, is downright disgusted. Guy looks like he’s ready to KORF his ROPTAR all AELTP the RNCO — and that NIKAPN ain’t gonna help much.

Dennis the Menace, 5/15/13

OK, is it me, is it cartoonists, or is the Bad Girl really always the hottest in the room? And we’re talking about a room shared with Alice Mitchell, so SRSLY! Dennis, cut the crap and pay some attention here — you won’t be 5 forever.

Oh, ha ha — I forgot. You will be 5 forever. Kindly resume the crap.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 5/15/13

Payback time at the Morgans’. I hope Sarah has more success with her little project than June had with Rex.

– Uncle Lumpy

Soapy Monday

Mark Trail, 5/6/13

If there’s one thing that we all know that Cherry’s good at, it’s remaining blissfully calm/emotionally numb/dead inside when Mark vanishes into the wilderness for days or weeks at a time. So get used to it, Shelly! That’s what being married to an outdoor enthusiast is all about! Here, enjoy Cherry’s special “tea,” which has significant tranquilizing effects. You’ll be floating away on fluffy cloud of who gives a shit soon enough!

Rex Morgan, M.D., 5/6/13

Oh, hey, while June was waxing about pregnancy waffle fixations and Rex was dickishly admonishing a rich dude to get his blood drawn, Sarah became a mass-produced art impresario, proving that really the strip should be entirely about her and her somewhat creepily precocious antics.

Title Character Spousal Sunday

Rex Morgan, M.D. 4/28/13

I know that the body changes during pregnancy but I’m not really comfortable with the changes to June’s face in the final panel here. Is her mouth getting bigger? Her eyes narrower and more feral? Now that she has absolute confirmation of successful mating, will she devour Rex’s head, praying-mantis-style? Will his last words, “I can live with that,” be exceptionally ironic?

Spider-Man, 4/28/13

BREAKING: BIGAMIST HUSBAND OF FAMOUS ACTRESS MARY JANE PARKER PLANNING WEDDING TO OLD PERSON

FOLLOW-UP: FAMOUS ACTRESS MARY JANE PARKER DOESN’T UNDERSTAND “CALLER ID,” WILL JUST PICK UP PHONE AND START TALKING TO WHOEVER

Haha, everyone over at WoI HQ knows they are unloved

Wizard of Id, 4/20/13

Apologies to any all Garys who currently live in Utah and are I’m sure perfectly nice people, but isn’t it likely that a reference to “Gary in Utah” by the people of a certain age who run the longstanding Wizard of Id comic strip is in fact a reference to the most famous Utah-associated Gary? In other words, the creators of Wizard of Id would like to see fans of any other pop cultural phenomenon that threatens their dominance of the “wizard” brand lined up against a wall and shot! When you look at the strip through this lens, the misspelling of Gandalf’s name isn’t so much a matter of “nobody involved in this process could bother to spend 15 fucking seconds double-checking on the Internet” and more a deliberate snub.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 4/20/13

Oh, thank goodness, we’re back to the really important Rex Morgan plotline: June’s insatiable hunger. When will she finally get to eat waffles? How many will die, for getting in between her and some waffles? How horrible will their deaths be? Next week’s going to be awesome!

Pretty sure Heather isn’t bound by a “nanny code of confidentiality” or anything

Rex Morgan, M.D., 4/19/13

So Rex strong-armed Milton into canceling an 8 am business meeting to go get some tests to find out whether or not he’s going to die at any moment. But Milton didn’t get to be a highly strung business asshole by letting so-called “doctors” push him around just in order to stave off so-called “death,” so he had to pull the little power play you see here, to make sure Rex is kept in his place. Basically, Rex, those tests better come back with answers that allow Milton to “enjoy” his current soul-killing lifestyle … or your pregnant wife gets it, capisce?

Heathcliff, 4/19/13

You guys, today’s Heathcliff features Heathcliff suspended in mid-air, a là Bullet Time from the Matrix, as his angry owner-lady informs her doomed guests that hot furry death is about to descend on their faces, all yowling and slashing claws. It is honestly amazing.

Panel from Spider-Man, 4/19/13

Oh, look, here’s the most erotic Spidey-Daredevil panel to date! ENJOY YOUR WEEKEND, EVERYBODY.

It does my heart good, watching kids swinging around axes longer than they are tall

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 4/10/13

A new character came to Hootin’ Holler a while back; I can’t remember how long ago now — months? years? Most residents of the Holler are a mite suspicious of calendars anyhow, tied as they are to the Revenooers tax-collection cycle. But anyway, this kid! His name is Arlo! He’s Jughead’s … cousin, I think? And he’s a damn goody goody. Yesterday he was caught enjoying book-learnin’; today he’s teaching Jughead to enjoy the process of economically productive manual labor. And he wears a tie! Could he be a Revenooer himself? My prediction: either he’ll artfully convince Hootin’ Holler to once again become a productive economic unit, or he’ll be chased out of the community at the business end of a shotgun by the end of the month.

Mark Trail, 4/10/13

Oh boy oh boy Mark Trail! It turns out that Sexy Wes is in fact a major investor in Woods and Wildlife Magazine! And since WWM’s last big advertiser, the pro bass tournament circuit, has pulled out all its money now that Marks has exposed their corruption, that leaves our journalists no choice but to dance to their paymaster’s tune. Which I guess will involve Mark flying to Wes and Shelly’s fussily decorated mansion and personally explaining to her how awesome it is to appreciate the outdoors. (Watch the sparks fly when Mark finds out what sick sex thing “appreciate the outdoors” is code for.)

Rex Morgan, M.D., 4/10/13

Haha, so not only did Milton’s cardiologist not tell Milton he was inevitably going to die, he didn’t even bother doing any actual medical-style tests on the patient before filling his head with terror. Still, his negligence works out to Nurse Becka’s benefit. Just in time for the show, she seems to be thinking in panel three, the sexy naked silver-haired millionaire show.