Rex Morgan, M.D., 5/28/15
Welp, after some negotiations with Nancy’s family and Kelly’s mob lawyer, we’ve figured out what Nancy’s punishment should be: Nancy is now in charge of making sure Kelly’s car isn’t damaged further. The bullying stops today! Unless she needs to use violence or the threat of violence to keep people from damaging Kelly’s car. Then she should bully as much as she needs to. The car is the important thing. She’s got to protect that car by any means necessary or everything that’s important to her gets taken away. I’m beginning to think that Kelly has found herself employed by the right organization.
Dennis the Menace, 5/28/15
You might think that by teaching himself to cook so he doesn’t have to bother his parents for treats, Dennis is being extremely non-menacing. But then, what’s more menacing to a parent than learning that his child doesn’t need him anymore? A+ power move, Dennis.
Dennis the Menace, 5/18/15
Dennis usually gets to let loose the menacing bon mots in this feature, but today it’s Henry’s turn to engage in a little light cruelty. “Look at that dumb dog! Doesn’t even know what day it is. Garfield, now there’s a cartoon animal that knows how to read a calendar, by God.”
Mary Worth, 5/18/15
Terry Bryson has decided to hang out with her dangerously obsessed ex, engaging in risky activities like unsupervised balloon rides over jagged mountain peaks and, apparently, riding on roller coasters that have no seat belts or adequate restraint bars. “TAKE ME, DEATH,” she’s basically shouting in panel two, hoping to be torn from the seat by centrifugal force and hurled across the amusement park. I think we’re finally learning that Terry’s sorely missed the adrenaline-soaked thrill ride that police work provided on a daily basis. Teaching dim trophy wives how to avoid phishing scams simply won’t cut it for her any more.
Rex Morgan, M.D., 5/18/15
You know what’s a cool way to improve your social standing in school? Bring your smirking high-powered lawyer to a meeting at the principal’s office. It’s a power move that other kids respect!
Six Chix, 5/18/15
Why … why is the tooth fairy in the bed of a full-grown woman
DEAR GOD IS THIS WHAT I HAVE TO LOOK FORWARD TO
Apartment 3-G, 5/14/15
So Gabriella’s dead mom came back, turning Gabriella’s white hair black with shock, and told her … that her house was evil, or maybe Diane told her, who can say, but the important thing is that Martin’s reaction to this news is 100% hilarious. First of all, Martin’s profession, as near as I can tell, is “generic rich businessman,” so his assurance that he personally inspected their home is not particularly reassuring. “I inspected every inch of that house myself, Gabby. There are no wasteful structural redundancies or safety features that I could see. It’s extremely cost-efficient!” Then there’s his smug expression in panel two. “Heh heh, seems my beloved fiancée has been whipped into a terrified anxiety frenzy. There’s no way this won’t be a laugh riot! I gotta see this in person!”
Mark Trail, 5/14/15
So, yes, the chain of problem-solving so far has been very simple: we get fire to get rid of the beetles, and then we get the helicopters to get rid of the fire, and then we get the geese to get rid of the helicopters. Who are we going to get to get rid of the geese, though? Beavers? Do beavers eat geese?
Rex Morgan, M.D., 5/14/15
Yes, Sarah is an amoral creepazoid child-adult, but she’s just so cheerful about everything that I have a hard time really disliking her. “Oh, know that! I also write about how pictures make you happy or sad. Feelings, right? Feelings are things that the humans have?”
Mary Worth, 5/14/15
Today’s unsung Mary Worth hero is the guy staring down into the basket of this hot air balloon. “Christ, what a mess! I can’t believe they left this for me to clean up. What did those two do up there?”
Family Circus, 5/14/15
Thanks to all those pamphlets Daddy keeps leaving around the house, Dolly knows that fiat money inflates away the wealth of industrious savers, while specie retains its value!