Apartment 3-G, 4/12/14
DEER DRAMA UPDATE: After being yelled at by the mean large animal vet for taking a baby deer out of the wild and raising it in a New York City apartment and leaving it completely unfit for life in its natural habitat, Tommie became convinced that the vet was going to kill the baby deer and so she and the deer fled, and now she’s preparing to do the only thing more insane than keeping a baby deer in a New York City apartment: keeping a baby deer in a motel where they probably won’t even let you keep a dog without paying a hefty deposit. “Deer? What deer? Why, this is my son, my hairy, hairy son, as you can tell because he’s saying ‘bleat’ aloud rather than actually bleating like a deer would. By the way, this room smelled like deer urine when I checked in, and I’ll be saying as much in my Tripadvisor review.”
Family Circus, 4/12/14
I was about to make some joke about how the shocked children look like they’re about to stone Billy to death for his anachro-technological heresy, but then I got a gander at the so-called “teacher” at this supposed Sunday School. Look at that shaggy haircut! The shirt unbuttoned almost all the way down to the breastbone! No wonder Billy thinks he can spout off this nonsense in the middle of class! What’s next? Popular music during services? The priest facing towards the congregation during the consecration of the host? Ecumenicalism? This is madness!
Rex Morgan, M.D., 4/12/14
Haha, don’t think June has let go of the fact that some extremely mild teen making out might have taken place under her roof, because she hasn’t! Obviously, it’s not about Niki, because he’s a boy and we all know it’s totally cool when teenage boys do sex things. No, it’s about Kelly, and figuring out just exactly how dirty a little tramp she is! This is important, doc … make the call!
So ends the Comics Curmudgeon Spring 2014 Fundraiser! Thanks, generous readers one and all!
Oh hey it’s time for Uncle Lumpy Reads Comics that Even Josh Won’t Read, So Nobody Has To Except for Poor Sad Me, a regular feature. Spunky reporter Lara Bell recruited lowlife adventurer Rick Grubber to take her into the Deep Woods, where they were set upon by the Bandar and brought to the Phantom at his Skull Cave. Phantom gave Lara an interminable tour of his Treasure Rooms, interspersed with braggy vignettes illustrating his complete awesomeness and coy little asides to Guran about how they were going to amnesiate Rick and Lara using Powerful Bandar Medicine®.
So Lara got all “You’re so hot, let us wed!” but the Phantom was like “Nuh uh I’m all married ‘n’ stuff”, and that night Grubber tried to steal stuff but it wasn’t even the right stuff and [WHOOSH!] the bush pilot went back to Bangalla and surrendered to the Jungle Patrol, and the mysterious aeronaut reappeared in his balloon to thank the Phantom for saving his descendants.
I feel much better, somehow.
Dennis the Menace, 3/22/14
Oh, Dennis – I knew Buckaroo Banzai. Buckaroo Banzai was a friend of mine. And you, kid, are no Buckaroo Banzai.
Funky Winkerbean, 3/22/14
Oh look – wordplay. “I wasn’t making a considerate comment about my father’s condition. I was making a commonplace observation about my own reaction to it. Um, ha ha, see?”
Judge Parker, 3/22/14
Ooh, we’re in the lair of the Hat Guys, Flico and Flaco. Flico jerked on the stick and spilled his drone upon the ground, so now he and Flaco will have to make contact up close and personal at the party tonight. They’ll probably run into Randy, who will chat them up for hours waiting in vain for his bribe.
Rex Morgan, M.D., 3/22/14
If you won’t listen to your own daughter, Rex, your readers would like a word with you.
– Uncle Lumpy
Mark Trail, 3/17/14
“I guess there’s no harm, since you’re collecting a gambling debt!”
“I guess there’s no harm, since you’re with the NSA!”
“I guess there’s no harm, since you’re a bounty hunter!”
“I guess there’s no harm, since you’re his estranged wife!”
“I guess there’s no harm, since you’re his criminal rival!”
“I guess there’s no harm, since you’re a cop! May I also direct you to the shallow, unmarked graves of his victims?”
The quest for a Prime Mover led Thomas Aquinas to God. But in the Funkyverse, the search for ultimate causes always winds up in somebody’s attic with a goddamn comic book.
Oh, that Curtis — such an imp! His creator, too:
I seriously hope this isn’t foreshadowing.
Rex Morgan, M.D., 3/17/14
June Morgan becomes a part-time adjunct professor, a.k.a. Becka’s Revenge. Don’t expect any free clams from this gig, sweetie.
– Uncle Lumpy