The Comics Curmudgeon

Metapost: Argh

So I’m going away tomorrow for the weekend, and was hoping to polish Friday comics off before bed, but here it is after 1 am and the King Features strips are all down (have we angered you, O Chennux?). So, you’ll get three day’s worth of comics when I get back Sunday, or maybe four days on Monday at some point. Happy weekend!

SOMEBODY MARRY THIS LADY FOR PETE’S SAKE

Apartment 3-G, 5/29/08

Bless you, Margo! Bless your foul mouth and shriveled little heart! Whenever I find myself feeling down, or wishing that my life was different, I can now always cheer myself up by imagining you looking down in stunned disbelief at your naked, ringless fingers, wiggling them in mid-air as if that will magically generate a token that says you’re taken out of the ether. Bless you!

I like the fact that Lu Ann and Tommie are standing around in glum silence while Margo rants. I’m imagining that we’re coming into this diatribe at about hour three. In panel two, note that Tommie is cunningly positioning Lu Ann between Margo and herself so she can slowly back away and sneak off to the bathroom without being disemboweled.

Archie, 5/29/08

I think Archie’s interlocutor is supposed to be … Reggie, maybe? I don’t recall Reggie having any sort of characterization established other than “Reggie is an asshole,” so presumably Jennifer looks so comprehensibly miserable in the first panel because her relationship with Reggie mostly consisted of his unpleasant boasts and grabby hands, and she still feels kind of dirty. Or maybe she’s just depressed because her parents force her to dress like a waitress at all times.

Funky Winkerbean, 5/29/08

I’m not even going to hazard a guess as to what the “joke” is supposed to be in today’s Funky Winkerbean. I’m too busy being traumatized by the look of near-physical ecstasy on Bull’s face in the third panel. It’s like he’s having a chairgasm, with Les just standing right there talking to him.

Hagar the Horrible, 5/29/08

Ah, I see the legacy comics are engaging in a little UNSPEAKABLE FILTH oneupsmanship. In this case, its the addition of the duck to the scenario that really pegs the old squick-o-meter.

FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!

Mary Worth, 5/28/08

Oh my goodness, could this Dr. Jeff-Mary battle of wills turn to violence? That’s what’s everyone’s asking, based on the weird slappy-slapping going in panel two of today’s Mary Worth. But I think the real answer is found in the good doctor’s face in that same panel. Look at him. He looks terrible. Like his will to live is gone. Like every ounce of his life force is being sucked out of his body by some kind of malevolent demon-beast. I think the energy lines radiating from the star-crossed lovers’ hands in panel two actually represent Mary resorting to her ultimate weapon: her ability, granted by her dark lord Satan, to damage and ultimately destroy a human’s soul with a mere touch. That’s what killed Donna Amalfi, all the better to create emotional carrion for Mary to swoop down and feast upon. And that’s what’s weakened Dr. Jeff to the point where all he can do is feebly deploy the “stop dwelling on the past!” defense. Jeff: GET OUT NOW. On your hands and knees if you have to, but don’t let her touch your skin if you want to live.

Beetle Bailey, 5/28/08

Blips and Buxley’s banter is nonsensical and annoying, but at least Gizmo, who’s wearing his headphones, doesn’t have to hear any of it. We should all be so lucky.

Crankshaft, 5/28/08

Phrase I would have rather gone my whole life without seeing in print: “Crankshaft’s body”.

She learned it from watching you

Judge Parker, 5/27/08

It’s good to see that, even after the sexification of the formerly dorky and prepubescent Sophie, there’s still one constant in her personality: the obvious intelligence gap between her and her parents, and the sense of disgust it instills in her. I love her look of sneering contempt in the second panel. “Jeez, my mother, the accidental dope fiend. LOOO-SER!”

Beetle Bailey, 5/27/08

Thank God World War II is over; if every movie depicting that conflict I’ve ever seen is accurate, at some point Killer would have gotten separated from his unit (presumably after sneaking off to romance some French ladies, or perhaps some French trees). Making his way back to American lines, he would have been confronted by unfamiliar infantrymen who would have demanded that he prove his Yankee status by the one surefire method available: by naming the winners of the past few World Series. The part of his brain normally dedicated to sports trivia having been long been redeployed to work on the arts of seduction, he’d be unable to answer, and would no doubt be summarily executed as a Nazi spy.

Dennis the Menace, 5/27/08

That apple is poisoned, obviously.

Metapost: Comments of the week (and the three-day weekend)

As Monday draws to a close, why not kick back and relax with this week’s top comment?

“I think my favorite thing about the last two MT strips has been the incessant apologizing. ‘Oh, I’m so SORRY that I have to kick your door down.’ ‘No, I’M sorry that you had to break into my house.’ ‘Oh, no, I’M sorry that I have to punch you in the face.’ I would say that they’re being ironic. But in a world where little girls can catch illness of the puppy, I just don’t believe that irony has been invented yet.” –A New Day

And then pour down some icy cold COTW runners-up?

“I think it’s hilarious that the hopeless degenerate Haley’s idea of drug-fueled mayhem is the absurdly wholesome suggestion to ‘go look at the art.’ It’s clear why Alan is so outraged; he’s all, ‘No, let’s go to the nursing home and read to visually impaired seniors!’” –Violet

“I also like the fact that, in addition to them not using drug lingo or real drug paraphernalia, neither one of them appears to actually be high.” –20 Miles From the City

“Hey, Mark? Ever hear of a little something called a ‘search warrant’? Or ‘home invasion’? Or ‘knocking’?” –The Spectacular Spider-Brick

“‘I’m sure you did a great job, Mary — as always!’ = ‘Will you please shut the fuck up about this?’” –cheech wizard

“What intrigues me is how polite Mark is. It’s like he’s the Amy Vanderbilt of tough guys. He certainly has her ankles.” –gh

“Before we dismiss the lackluster denounment of the pot-dealing neighbors, remember the wonderful arc of strips with Abbey and the yellow room — the only instance in which paint drying wasn’t just exciting, but erotic.” –Little Guy

“Blood Cargo really is a great title, though. It’s the only thing in this strip that remotely has any life to it. Or possibly ravenous zombie pirate un-life.” –SFMarcus

“Am I the only one that thinks that Ruby might be Lu Ann’s real mother? Am I the only one that cares? No, wait. I don’t care either.” –mafketis

“Whoever was wondering how Lynn could possibly continue greasing the plot wheels, look no further than the oil reserve trapped in Weed’s hair. That boy’s scalp looks like the Middle East. And I’m not just saying that because I dream of him and Michael getting hit with a missile, although, wink.” –RaJ

“I don’t know if that puppy is housebroken, but Mark had better be sure that he’s shirtbroken.” –Tom Bombadil

“Oh, Jeff. Do NOT get between the woman and her meddling. It’ll be like those bear attack videos when some dumb camper thinks it would be cute to hug a bear cub. I smell a mauling in the wind … a mauling of sensible advice, that is.” –rocketbride

“As cartoon Chevalier impersonators go, I still prefer Pepe Le Pew. Sexual harassment notwithstanding, at least he doesn’t have glistening wonky eyes and a sheepish fanged grin that makes him look like he is about to devour your face, but feels bad about it.” –Sharona

“I’m actually reasonably curious to see what becomes of this twist in the Mary Worth storyline. I think that means I’m ready to be euthanized.” –monsieurjohn

As usual on this day of the week, we must give a big sloppy kiss (MWAH!) to everyone who puts a little bit of scratch in the tip jar!

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Checking in with things that are TOTALLY INSANE

Gasoline Alley, 5/26/08

Can I confide to you that I actually find the concept of a heavily-accented, curly-mustachioed French pitchcat named “Chef Meowrice” pretty funny, if deranged? I’m guessing the name is supposed to be a pun on famous French-accent-haver Maurice Chevalier. However, I am firmly, firmly opposed to “Tabby Wynette,” mostly because she should be be belting out country tunes full of hard-earned sadness and loss, rather than just standing around in some kind of creepy cat S&M get-up and cozying up to some Frenchie for pulverized mouse bits.

Popeye, 5/26/08

In other news, Popeye has come ’round again to Olive Oyl’s suicide, as is its wont.

Apartment 3-G, 5/26/08

Meanwhile, across the world in Tibet, we’ve been given a respite from Alan’s zany drug antics. Eric and Tenzin have been making the long trudge to Lhasa on foot, apparently unaware that you can actually take the train there now. You can tell that they’ve been on a long journey because Eric has grown a neatly trimmed beard, while Tenzin has become a blond-haired Caucasian. Seeing the fabled city in the distance, Eric muses that it would have been better for the place to have been destroyed and all its people killed than to have any contact with modernity.