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Looks like Montoni’s is about to have a new employee!

Funky Winkerbean, 2/20/14

So hey, remember that lady from Monday’s Funky Winkerbean, who deflected a sexual advance by announcing with dead eyes that, despite the fact that she was beautiful, she was broken inside and she hated herself? Well, turns out she’s Cindy Summers, former Westview popular girl and current national news anchor and Funky’s ex-wife! The whole marriage took place during the period when I wasn’t reading the strip, but faithful reader/disturbing Twitter user name Bat Les Moore assures me that this cheery moment happened during their divorce:

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYBODY! Anyway, the residual effects of having been married to Funky probably explain Cindy’s self-loathing, but at least she still has her physical beauty and high-powered job to sustain her! Haha, whoops, except her boss is telling her that she’s too old to be beautiful and that they’re going to fire her, which, while this is obviously the thought process behind a lot of TV news personnel decisions, I’m pretty sure that if you just say it out loud explicitly like this you get extremely sued for age discrimination.

Anyway, not to dwell too much on this strip (haha, who am I kidding, dwelling too much on strips like this are the entire reason why this blog exists) but let’s examine today’s punchline! “It’s the digital age, Cindy … and digital shows your age.” It’s typically Winkerbeanean in that it uses low-level wordplay to let a character know that their life is changing for the worse. But does it make sense? Is TV Executive Man saying that young people, who like computers and don’t watch TV news, will watch TV news if someone young is on TV? Is he saying that Cindy has repeatedly tried and failed to operate computers, smartphones, and other digital devices on-air, further alienating the coveted young person demographic? Is he making reference to the fact that high-def broadcasts, blown up on a 60-inch screen, reveal the slight lines and imperfections on Cindy’s fortysomething visage, forcing the network to hunt after ever younger and smoother-faced anchors? Is he just being a dick, in a way that, I can’t emphasize enough, is totally, 100% legally actionable? Yes, it’s probably the last one.

Beetle Bailey, 2/20/14

Plato’s subtle shift in his third word balloon is instructive here. At first, with fanciful metaphors, he implies that Beetle can never satisfy Sarge with his work ethic. But then he shifts to an idea that, while still out of the reach of a lowly private, is at least within the realm of physical possibility. Sarge, he implies, can be bought. Now we must discover his price.

Spider-Man, 2/20/14

Oh, yeah, so: J. Jonah Jameson is inside the old Iron Man suit, has rigged it up somehow so his crazed eyes and Hitler mustache are visible through the mask, has gone mad with power, is determined to kill Spider-Man, blah blah blah. As you can see in the final panel, he’ll use the one weapon against which Spidey has no defense: crumbling masonry.

Mary Worth, 2/20/14

MARY WORTH IS INVITING TOMMY TO EAT IN HER APARTMENT REPEAT MARY WORTH US GIVING TOMMY AN OPPORTUNITY TO BE EITHER THEATRICALLY CONTRITE OR HILARIOUSLY INAPPROPRIATE ON HER TURF, THREAT LEVEL: AMAZING

Better Half, 2/20/14

Oh hey let’s check in with the Better Half, probably it won’t be an Oedipal nigtmarAAAAUUUUGGGHHH

263 responses to “Looks like Montoni’s is about to have a new employee!”

  1. Ukulele Ike
    February 20th, 2014 at 8:26 am [Reply]

    GT: Good lord, they’ve put Shelby behind bars!!!!

  2. Lily Sincere
    February 20th, 2014 at 8:32 am [Reply]

    There was an anchorwoman who got fired from a Kansas City station for being too old and sued, then wrote a book. The title was a verbatim quote of what the station manager told her, which could be slightly tweaked for Cindy’s situation: Too Old, Too Ugly, Not Deferential to Funky Winkerbean.

    (The book is Too Old, Too Ugly, Not Deferential to Men by Christine Craft, Prima Lifestyles, 1991.)

  3. gnome de blog
    February 20th, 2014 at 8:33 am [Reply]

    One look at the glop Mary serves and Tommy will knock off a convenience store just to get back to prison.

  4. Gabacho
    February 20th, 2014 at 8:33 am [Reply]

    Apt 3G – Isn’t “Yikes…you look terrible.” Margo’s standard greeting? Tommie is just derailing the conversation talking about her imaginary deer friend.

  5. Chareth Cutestory
    February 20th, 2014 at 8:33 am [Reply]

    Spider-Man: Hey, good thing that condemned building sign is posted in a highly visible place near the corner of the roof!

    Dang, I just thought that maybe there’s some Law and the Multiverse style law in a world where people can fly and swing through the air that justifies putting a sign up there. Ugh, I think I might be a dork.

  6. AhClem
    February 20th, 2014 at 8:34 am [Reply]

    SM – When I want to hang a condemned sign on a building, I always make sure to mount it at the very top where only superheroes Spider Man and pigeons can see it. Take that, building code enforcement people!

  7. White Rabbit
    February 20th, 2014 at 8:35 am [Reply]

    @Congo Bill Bailey (yy#1): We always used to call those “family jewels.”

  8. AhClem
    February 20th, 2014 at 8:35 am [Reply]

    @Chareth Cutestory (#5): Great minds, etc.

  9. Dennis Jimenez
    February 20th, 2014 at 8:37 am [Reply]

    MW – What about Thunder Cat… is he welcome, too….

  10. Pozzo
    February 20th, 2014 at 8:37 am [Reply]

    “I’ll bet Sarge will compliment me on this paint job. It’s as black as the inside of his soul.”

  11. hogenmogen
    February 20th, 2014 at 8:37 am [Reply]

    “THIS BUILDING HAS BEEN CONDEMNED” Oh, thanks, expository, conveniently placed signage. Convenient for us, anyway. For anyone entering the condemned building, they would miss this over-wordy message stuck on the top floor way off to the side. The sign lets us know that Jamison’s smasshing is actually doing the city a favor. Except for the flying bricks.

    I’m also quite amused about this weeks artwork. The Iron Jamison is routinely drawn as a 9 foot behemoth. When Iron Stark comes to save Spidey’s ass, he’ll be dwarfed. Unless the suit automatically expands to the size of the wearer’s ego, in which case, they’ll be matched.

  12. pugfuggly
    February 20th, 2014 at 8:37 am [Reply]

    FW You know, I’d feel sorry for Cindy if it weren’t for the fact that I’m fairly certain that her tenure in that position started with another slightly older woman being told that she just didn’t appeal to the MTV generation and wasn’t compatible with VHS technology.

    BB, in which the writer has essentially said ‘Fuck it, these punchlines are a dime a dozen. Here’s three, choose your own adventure, folks.”

    SM It’s nice of the city to put that sign up at the top of that building as a warning to pigeons, seagulls, and all the countess costumed weirdos that seem to infest NYC.

  13. Fashion Police
    February 20th, 2014 at 8:38 am [Reply]

    @Gabacho (#4):
    Miss Magee is right. Miss Thompson looks terrible. Time has not been kind to her. Neither has that hideous pepto bismol thing she is wearing.

  14. Liam
    February 20th, 2014 at 8:40 am [Reply]

    A3G-”I have a nice recipe for venison.”

    Crankshaft-”If you’ve been shot or stabbed randomly pound on the keypad.”

    JP-”And then they wanted me to do something dumb called ‘reimburse them’ for losing their stuff.”

    JP-Then there are these Libyans after me for selling some plutonium that was for them to this scientist who says he’s making a time machine.

    Love Is-She loves a man in uniform and get him back to her bedroom she’ll love him out of his uniform.

    MT-Rusty’s with you? Then where has he been the entire time. It’s only been you and Andy on that island. Did you let Rusty run loose on the island?

    MW-I wonder what would happen if someone told Mary no.

    MW-”A taste of my cooking shall put you in my power.”

    RMMD-”I’m telling you all this to give you a head start in escaping from the cops.”

  15. Liam
    February 20th, 2014 at 8:41 am [Reply]

    Pluggers-”That’s not strawberry. Some crazy guy shot up the post office and apparently some blood got onto me.”

  16. Ranger
    February 20th, 2014 at 8:42 am [Reply]

    BB: “Tell you give him a million dollars”. I keep repeating that phrase in my head and I think I’ve given myself a mini stroke. Plato is supposed to be the smart one in this camp.

  17. The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan
    February 20th, 2014 at 8:42 am [Reply]

    I’m not sure you’re right about the legally actionable thing, Josh. Looks are considered an intrinsic part of an anchor’s ability to perform the job, and hence are fair game for discrimination. People have sued and lost.

  18. Dave Dahl
    February 20th, 2014 at 8:42 am [Reply]

  19. pugfuggly
    February 20th, 2014 at 8:43 am [Reply]

    MW “Wilbur will be there too. You know, the guy who quit his job, again, to spend more time with you, but hasn’t bothered to come up to see you yet? Yeah, that marshmallow.”

    B1/2 Oh….god…isn’t there another ‘raw meat’ joke you could have done instead…?

  20. White Rabbit
    February 20th, 2014 at 8:44 am [Reply]

    DT: Wait a minute! Officer Doherty, in the train station? Is it Sgt. Jim Doherty, of the Railroad Police? I believe they specialize in railroading suspects into prison, hence the name.

    In other Dick Tracy news, Sprocket is drawn with squared-off features and repetitive rectangular motifs in her clothing, suggestive of sprocket holes in film, accounting for her spectacularly square jaw.

  21. hogenmogen
    February 20th, 2014 at 8:44 am [Reply]

    Funky: Hooters restaurants actually won a lawsuit in defense of its practice of hiring only young, attractive and voluptuous wait staff. Their claim was that the operation was “entertainment”, not “serving food to people” (this confused me, as their menu lists prices for food but no prices for the waitresses). Odd how a television program would fail with the same argument.

  22. Old Folkie
    February 20th, 2014 at 8:45 am [Reply]

    A3G: Tommie looks terrible? Well she’s drawn the way they always draw her – thus she must always look terrible. And she needs to give that blouse back to Lu Ann.

    FW: But all the current network anchors are older than Cindy anyway?

  23. nescio
    February 20th, 2014 at 8:45 am [Reply]

    BH: Calling someone a “dumb motherfucker” does not constitute “mothering”, Stanley.

  24. Fashion Police
    February 20th, 2014 at 8:46 am [Reply]

    We are positively excited to report that Mr. Woody Wilson is moonlighting as a purveyor of fine men’s clothing to the glitterati in Los Angeles.

    We are somewhat perplexed however, as it seems the gentlemen of the Spencer-Driver-Parker conglomerate seem not to take advantage of his other line of work.

  25. Mibbitmaker
    February 20th, 2014 at 8:46 am [Reply]

    BH: EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW!….

    Luann: Delta’s like Britta Perry without the satire.

    A3G: “Hand me the chainsaw, Tommie. (pause) No, Tommie, I have one. In my room by the…”

    FW: NOTHING ELSE DOES!

    MT: Yes, a journalistic mouse (blocked from view by the wing) riding a pelican scoops Mark Trail’s story. Marlin was suspicious of the wrong…. person.

    Curtis: (me shaking my head in disbelief)

    Curtis: A dead dolphin isn’t what’s making Curtis sad — a happy one in an idyllic Heaven is. The jerk!

  26. Fashion Police
    February 20th, 2014 at 8:50 am [Reply]

    We are wondering if merely trying on a dress made for Russian ice dancers will complete alter Miss Halper’s life and cause her to begin competing with Miss Farrell for attention. Whatever the case, we are sad to report that she has a long way to go to reach “awesome.”

  27. Ukulele Ike
    February 20th, 2014 at 8:53 am [Reply]

    JP: I’ll bet Flaco and Franco were twins. And their parents dressed them up identically (“They are so cute!!!!”) until they were 16 or so and finally rebelled.

    PS: He lost a whole shipload of weapons? April’s Dad is a lousy terrorist.

  28. Mibbitmaker
    February 20th, 2014 at 8:55 am [Reply]

    @Liam (#14): Rusty’s been kidnapped quite a while ago, it’s just that nobody’s noticed, including Jack Elrod.

  29. Fashion Police
    February 20th, 2014 at 8:55 am [Reply]

    We have always been somewhat partial to Miss Summers, as she is the only one with enough sense to flee Westview. Whether or not she is too old to anchor the TV news, she looks miles younger than her classmates at Westview High.

    Anyway, we thought she had been exiled to the foreign desk years ago. Wasn’t she the one who rescued Wally Winkerbean from Iraq?

  30. Renee J
    February 20th, 2014 at 8:55 am [Reply]

    FW- I don’t think she’ll sue because nobody sues in this comic strip. Even when a doctor misplaces a medical file that leads to someone dying from cancer, for example.

  31. pugfuggly
    February 20th, 2014 at 8:56 am [Reply]

    A3G I just love that up until now Tommie had no real ‘exit strategy’ for her little fawn project. As if she was just going to raise the fucking thing herself, and then have a full-grown deer wandering the apartment, grazing on the shag carpeting and rutting with the coffee table. Presumable she’d have to get another deer to keep it company, and soon enough there’d be a whole new brood of fawns waiting to be raised by her. Soon they’d be overrun with ungulates, and then they’d have to bring in wolves to balance out the ecosystem that is apartment 3G. Actually, that sounds awesome, can we do that instead of whatever Margo’s going to suggest?

    JP There’s many things I appreciate about this strip, but one of my favourites has to be the casualness with which characters like Col. Gonzo Kurtz there talk about things that I’m fairly certain are war crimes. “So anyhow, then I call up the warlords, and you wouldn’t believe the fuss they made about the whole deal. ‘Infidel’ this, ‘Blood Vengeance’ that, ‘We kill your family, we kill your friends, we kill your countrymen!’ Yeesh. By the time they told me about the dirty bomb I was tired of the whole thing, so I just hung up and went down for lunch.”

  32. Rusty
    February 20th, 2014 at 8:57 am [Reply]

    @Lily Sincere (#2):1991 is cutting edge news in Batiuk’s view. @pugfuggly (#12): You know damn well Cindy was the young hottie pushing aside an aging anchor with no reservations when she was promoted from a reporter’s job. It comes with the territory.

    FW drunk in the street: Maybe the greatest single strip ever done, I guess I wasn’t reading during this period. Even surpasses Les making out with ghost Lisa on New Year’s Eve.

  33. aphthakid
    February 20th, 2014 at 9:00 am [Reply]

    SM: This building is condemned and any armored Hitler impersonators in the area may feel free to abuse it without concern. Like anyone had done anything about Jonah’s high-visable and partially televised rampage up til now.

    LUANN: I guess it was too much to ask to expect that it would be Bernice who talked Delta into taking the pole out of her butt, instead Delta is inserting one in Bernice’s. And not in a good way.

  34. Phone Booth of Tomorrow
    February 20th, 2014 at 9:02 am [Reply]

    Crankshaft: My first thought was that everyone knows you don’t call the police station in an emergency — you call 911. My second thought was that in Westview, there shouldn’t be any other numbers except 911.

  35. Mumblix Grumph
    February 20th, 2014 at 9:04 am [Reply]

    FW: “What about experience?” Sweetie, you read a teleprompter and look cute on the box. That’s good enough to be President, but we’re running a business here.

  36. Dr. Mabuse
    February 20th, 2014 at 9:08 am [Reply]

    Spider-Man: What we’re not seeing is all the other signs posted at the tops of skyscrapers that say “This building has not been condemned as of yet.” Your tax dollars at work, people.

  37. hogenmogen
    February 20th, 2014 at 9:13 am [Reply]

    BB: Wow, what a dud of a punchline. I know you need things in threes to be funny, so Plato needs three things that express near-infinitely small probabilities. He gets the first two correct, using time-honored clichés to establish the trend. In the hands of an expert, the third should be clever, original, imaginative or outrageous. “Till you give him a million dollars” is even deader than the first two.

    Unlike Mort Walker, I don’t have all day to develop a good zinger, but let’s just throw something together:

    Till you win the lottery (nah, still kind of cliché)
    Till the stars fall from the sky (too apocalyptic, also cliché)
    Till Ronald McDonald becomes a vegetarian (weak)

    Maybe something strip specific:
    Till Gen. Halfwit sobers up (too dark)
    Till we update our equipment from WWII surplus (Walker can’t be bothered to draw new stuff)
    Till Zero joins MENSA (BB’s target audience doesn’t know what MENSA is)
    Till Ms. Blips beats Ms. Buxley in a swimsuit competition (sort of cruel to Blips)

    Oh, how about

    Till your simple paint job goes on display in the Louvre.

  38. Liam
    February 20th, 2014 at 9:15 am [Reply]

    Archie-And when Jughead’s eventual death jacks up the price of that painting you’ll wish you had it.

  39. hogenmogen
    February 20th, 2014 at 9:17 am [Reply]

    @Dr. Mabuse (#36): Yes, the other buildings have
    “NOT CONDEMNED:
    PLEASE REFRAIN FROM AERIAL COLLISION, STRAY DEATH RAY BOLTS OR OTHERWISE DESTROYING CIVILIAN PROPERTY. VIOLATORS SHALL BE HELD ACCOUNTABLE BY THE CARTOON COPS WHO POINT PISTOLS AND SHOUT AT COSTUMED SCOFFLAWS IN THE SKY.”

    In fine print “Costumed Scofflaws (in the Sky)” would be a great name for a rock band.

  40. hogenmogen
    February 20th, 2014 at 9:20 am [Reply]

    Crank: Why is dumbass Jeff calling the police? The message yesterday said that the police have been notified. Dumbass.

  41. Dr. Mabuse
    February 20th, 2014 at 9:22 am [Reply]

    Funky Winkerbean: Thanks for the very special Funky Funtime Flashback. If the other residents of Funkytown could read it, they each would say, “He’s my hero, the one man to act out how I’ve always felt within my soul.”

  42. Digger
    February 20th, 2014 at 9:23 am [Reply]

    MW: “Hey, mom, if that nosy old Worth broad comes around, tell her I’m not here…..oh, Mrs. Worth! How lovely to see you again!’

  43. jim, some guy in iowa
    February 20th, 2014 at 9:23 am [Reply]

    the more I learn about Funky Winkerbean the more I understand why people have such an intense dislike for it

    so who pulled Funky out of the snowbank before hypothermia set in?

  44. Joe, the Upper-Evergreen Guy
    February 20th, 2014 at 9:24 am [Reply]

    Crank: There’s Pam, diligently coming her hair. Gotta look hot for those studly young cops, right?

    FW: Being hot and popular in high school only goes so far, Cindy.

    Luann: Do “Banquet” frozen dinners count?

    MT: “I’m looking forward to it, Mark!”, as her evil, sinister, plotting eyes bored into him…

    MW: ***fap fap fap fap fap fap***

    RMMD (a.k.a. Sarah Morgan’s Book Deal, B.S.): Let’s see here…..a bottle of wine, a knife…. And now, in Panel 3, a corn-cob up her ass!

    SixChix: …….?????????????????????????????????????????

    Love is…: A naked jump-rope and bar-bell fight.

  45. Maltmasher
    February 20th, 2014 at 9:25 am [Reply]

    BH- Well it’s come to this. While TV has multiple versions of talent shows, fish tank builders, cake makers and animal botherers. The comics have decided that the Lockhorns were onto something big with the somewhat passive aggressive mutual loathing, and have now upped it with face to face belittlement. If it takes off, mark my words Blondie and Dagwood will be hammer and tongs by Memorial Day!

  46. Mikey
    February 20th, 2014 at 9:25 am [Reply]

    FW- Actually, Cindy is blonde with big tits and obviously has some smarts (since she did divorce ‘The Smirking Dickhead’) so she’ll probably land on her feet as a Fox News MILF Babe. Though I do like her because of that divorce I would feel much more positive about her if she had found Funky passed out and then dragged him out of sight to make sure he froze to death, but I guess the perfect woman is hard to find.

  47. Phone Booth of Tomorrow
    February 20th, 2014 at 9:25 am [Reply]

    MW: The real purpose of the dinner invite is for Tommy to report back on organizing a prison crew of the C-Stone Meddlers, of which Mary is an OB. Original Biddy.

  48. hogenmogen
    February 20th, 2014 at 9:26 am [Reply]

    JP: How the %^&K do you ever get security clearance to work at a government agency responsible for national security when your father is a GODDAMNED TERRORIST???

  49. hogenmogen
    February 20th, 2014 at 9:29 am [Reply]

    @pugfuggly (#31): Both comments hilarious!

  50. Guts Dozier
    February 20th, 2014 at 9:32 am [Reply]

    A3G: Margo is going to tear out the fawn’s still-beating heart and devour it. That’s how she deals with everyone.

  51. Jim in Wisc.
    February 20th, 2014 at 9:32 am [Reply]

    Krankenschäft: “You have selected regicide. If you know the name of the king or queen being murdered press 1 …”

    Crappy Depressingbean: The demographic Batiuk thinks is being pandered to here watches The Daily Show and The Colbert Report. Two shows on Comedy Central that – stunningly – actually do a much, much better job of covering current news events than any of the evening news shows and the cable news networks combined.

  52. jim, some guy in iowa
    February 20th, 2014 at 9:33 am [Reply]

    @hogenmogen (#48): April’s security clearance was probably part of a deal her dad made to handle a non-traceable arms deal for the CIA

  53. Marc
    February 20th, 2014 at 9:34 am [Reply]

    A3G- Is there ever a time when Tommie doesn’t look terrible?

    Luann- I thought Delta would have a hard time topping yesterday’s self righteous assholery, but I should have known the worst was yet to come.

  54. TheDiva
    February 20th, 2014 at 9:34 am [Reply]

    FW: Oooh, I hope this ends with Cindy going all Norma Desmond and shutting herself in a mouldering old mansion clinging to the remnants of her past. Bonus points if Les plays the Joe Gillis role.

    MW: Poor Iris, she was this close to getting off light. “I just wanted to bring over the casserole….and invite you to dinner at my place bring your jailbird son please I need to fix all your problems now now now!” Next time she’ll slam the door faster.

    SM: Oh hey, an insanely obsessed man just flew his transport into a building, causing it to collapse. THIS won’t stir up any bad memories in New York’s collective consciousness, I’m sure…

  55. Joe, the Upper-Evergreen Guy
    February 20th, 2014 at 9:35 am [Reply]

    @Mikey (#46):

    FW: You know, it seems to me, that in the past, Batty-ick was drawing Cindy a whole lot fatter and dumpier than he is now.

  56. Little Guy
    February 20th, 2014 at 9:35 am [Reply]

    FW: But… but.. she has INNER BEAUTY!

    (Wait, wrong strip.)

  57. Mikey
    February 20th, 2014 at 9:37 am [Reply]

    Luann- ‘Ok Delta, you win! I’ll donate all my high school prom money to a charity and then we’ll spend prom night cooking a big meal for a needy family. Now please get down from that cross before you hurt yourself.’ For fuck sake…so….sick..of…..’Peace Corp Delta’.

  58. Alter Ego
    February 20th, 2014 at 9:39 am [Reply]

  59. Mikey
    February 20th, 2014 at 9:40 am [Reply]

    Luann- Delta’s last line should be “Why don’t you come over to my place that night and we’ll both eat at the ‘Y’”

  60. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    February 20th, 2014 at 9:41 am [Reply]

    @Poteet (#y206): I’ve seen queek’s Tumblr posts. He’s been playing some new game that appears to take up most of his free time. But he seems fine–as is Hans, the pup.

    But I wish he’d come back, too.

  61. Plugger Shrug
    February 20th, 2014 at 9:41 am [Reply]

    @the good ship thetis (#y166):

    “That’s the whole point. If he’d really been a resident of Cincinnati like he claimed, it would have been just after lunch.”

    Someone may have already noted this (I’ve not read all of the comments yet), but there are lots of people even now who call the mid-day meal “dinner” rather than “lunch” (and call the evening meal “supper”). There were almost certainly even more of them back in the 1940s. (It’s the way my family and most of the other families I knew back in the 1950s and 1960s sorted things out — “lunch” was the lighter meal you took in mid-afternoon, and often in mid-morning* as well — admittedly most of those families were rural and none of them were in Cincinnati, but I can extrapolate.)

    There’s even a line somewhere in, I think, in one of Betty McDonald’s books (either THE EGG AND I or ONIONS IN THE STEW) in which she alludes to the dispute. (A city gal at heart, she says she’s willing to adapt but draws the line at calling the mid-day meal “dinner” as everyone else around her at the time did.)

    *Yes, four or five meals a day (plus often a snack before bedtime). We were mostly hearty and hefty Pluggers back in those days.

  62. Mikey
    February 20th, 2014 at 9:43 am [Reply]

    MW- ‘Sure, Mary! That’d be nice! Do you mind if I bring a turkey casserole?’

  63. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    February 20th, 2014 at 9:50 am [Reply]

    @hogenmogen (#21): FW – That is my reaction as well, the qualifications for the job basically boil down to “looks hot and can read off of a teleprompter”. So the ‘looks hot’ part is a legitimate job requirement, much as a 50-something actress couldn’t sue for not getting a role that required her to play a 20YO girl due to her age.

    And lets not over-glamorize Cindy’s job here. She isn’t an anchorwoman. According to her explanation to the guy at the bar, she is a weekend weather reader. So looking good on camera really is the sum total of the job requirementss.

  64. Nekrotzar
    February 20th, 2014 at 9:54 am [Reply]

    You know what would be great? If J. Jonah decided not to fight Spider-Man, but to humiliate him by being a much more effective superhero (not a high bar), thus leading Peter Parker to a spiral of misery and a dark snowy Funky Winker-ending. Alternately, J. Jonah could fail to find Parker and get beaten up by an elderly woman yelling ‘der weiße Engel!’

  65. Shrug
    February 20th, 2014 at 9:56 am [Reply]

    @Hank G. (#y221):

    “Homemade mac and cheese could easily also be pale, off-white in color.”

    So can store-bought mixes, such as the one we buy:

    http://www.annies.com/products/pastas/

  66. Dood
    February 20th, 2014 at 9:56 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth: Four words guaranteed to excite a Charterstone lady: “Wilbur will be there!”

  67. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    February 20th, 2014 at 9:57 am [Reply]

    Pibliette – He could at least pretend to not be sexualizing his protagonist here. Such an unnatural pose, the only reason to draw it would be if one were a leg fetishist of some kind….

  68. bbofun
    February 20th, 2014 at 9:59 am [Reply]

    RMMD- you realize she’s holding a letter-opener, a traditional husband-killing device (TM), don’t you?

    @hogenmogen (#48): Arms dealer, please, not terrorist. And, more than likely, at some point he was OUR arms dealer.

    9CL- But- your agent was pretending to be a Nazi and Souris tied him up and made it clear she was working for the resistance and there’s never been any indication that O’Malley and Souris had met before and the whole “jokes” thing was about how Nazis don’t have a sense of humor but your agent didn’t have a sense of humor and that had nothing to do with O’Malley and this is contradicting the last WWII story you told and [HEAD ASPLODES]

  69. TheDiva
    February 20th, 2014 at 10:00 am [Reply]

    9CL: At this point, Charles Dickens and Victor Hugo are looking at this mess of convoluted coincidence and thinking “Go home, Brooke McEldowney, you’re drunk.”

    A3G: I’m guessing this plot originally featured a human baby, and they drew in the deer at the last minute. “Deer babies are just like people, right? Eh close enough for legacy work…”

    C’shaft: After years of dealing with Crankshaft’s destructive tendencies, the police refuse to take Jeff’s calls anymore. “Look, if you won’t put the old bastard in a home, we’re washing our hands of you. Call us when he finally immolates himself, if he doesn’t get you first…”

    Lio: Just don’t ask about the one he gave to Sweeney Todd.

    Luann: Does it still count as Positive Discrimination (standard TVTropes warning) if the authors don’t realize what an insufferable, more-socially-conscious-than-thou bore the character is?

    MT: Wait, I thought Rusty was back at Casa de Trail? Did they fly him in just for the kidnapping?

    Pibgorn: Whew, that was close! For a moment there I thought McEldowney was going to go a whole scene without fetishizing the play’s pubescent heroine, but now we’re back on solid ground.

    Pluggers are slovenly, fat bastards.

  70. Mikey
    February 20th, 2014 at 10:08 am [Reply]

    FW- Sorry Cindy, you don’t have the depressed, overweight, slouching, smug, baggy eyed, miserable, cancer stricken look that fits our demographic.

  71. Dood
    February 20th, 2014 at 10:09 am [Reply]

    Funky Winkerbean, the Dark Years: How did I miss this charming and refreshing holiday spectacular, “It’s a Stunningly Depressing Life”?

  72. hogenmogen
    February 20th, 2014 at 10:10 am [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#63): So no matter how good an actress Angela Lansbury thinks she is, she’ll never get the role of the next James Bond? No lawsuit or anything? You’re kidding.

  73. Dood
    February 20th, 2014 at 10:13 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth: “Wilbur will be there” is Charterstone code for “Yes, I’m serving mayonnaise.”

  74. hogenmogen
    February 20th, 2014 at 10:14 am [Reply]

    RMMD: Did Rex somehow neglect to tell Bucky not to tell the woman who tried to kill him that she’s about to be arrested? Does Rex also have to tell Bucky not to smoke while filling up his gas tank and don’t pee on an electric fence? From the looks of things, probably yes.

  75. Mikey
    February 20th, 2014 at 10:17 am [Reply]

    MT- I smell an accidental discovery followed by a Rustynapping™ coming up, probably involving a camera and illegal marlin on bird porn.

  76. Shrug
    February 20th, 2014 at 10:19 am [Reply]

    LOVE IS: I didn’t realize that the Doukhobors had created their own para-military organization.

  77. Phone Booth of Tomorrow
    February 20th, 2014 at 10:19 am [Reply]

    @Nekrotzar (#64): JJJ drilling holes in Peter’s un-anesthetized teeth would also be acceptable.

  78. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    February 20th, 2014 at 10:22 am [Reply]

    @hogenmogen (#72): Not unless they decide to do a “deboot”, where Jessica Fletcher and James Bond sit around the retirement home discussing the most brutal murders they ever witnessed.

    “And by the time I got there, the only recognizable body part was the skull, still frozen in a shocked expression!”

    “That’s nothing! I once killed someone with a flamethrower, and let me tell you … flamethrower … sure could use one now! It’s too cold in here, I think they are trying to freeze us to death! And I know that the lady at the pharmacy has been skimming off of my pain meds. My hip hurts worse than ever! I first injured it when Dr. No tied me to a …..”

  79. Shrug
    February 20th, 2014 at 10:23 am [Reply]

    PIBGBORN:

    Romeo: O sweet Juliet, thy beauty had made me effeminate, and in my temper softened valor’s steel!

    Juliet: Look, Romey, it’s O.K. — honest — it happens to a lot of guys (er, so I’ve heard). Let’s just cuddle for a while instead. . . .

  80. Amos Snarkadder
    February 20th, 2014 at 10:25 am [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#60):

    He’s been playing some new game that appears to take up most of his free time.

    “Cindy Crush”? Please oh please.
    // Yeah, missing the queek, too!

  81. Jim in Wisc.
    February 20th, 2014 at 10:32 am [Reply]

    @Shrug (#79): I checked this morning, and he’s only about half way through the play. How long has this been going on now? Six months? A year? A decade?

  82. Liam
    February 20th, 2014 at 10:32 am [Reply]

    A3G-Tommie looks so terrible she hasn’t changed her clothes in the past few days.

  83. Liam
    February 20th, 2014 at 10:33 am [Reply]

    MW-”Come into my parlor,” said the Spider to the Fly.

  84. Dood
    February 20th, 2014 at 10:33 am [Reply]

    Funky Winkerbean, the Dark Years: And what happened then? Well, in Westview, they say that Funky’s liver dropped three sizes that day.

  85. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    February 20th, 2014 at 10:34 am [Reply]

    @Jim in Wisc. (#81): He figures that if he draws it out long enough Pibliette will be 18 and he can start drawing it the way he REALLY wants to.

  86. Amos Snarkadder
    February 20th, 2014 at 10:39 am [Reply]

    Luann I’m not sure I can sort this paradox out. Delta says that the high school prom is a sham that wastes money and forces students into awkward dates and uncomfortable competition to look the best, have the most fun, etc. It would be better to spend resources and effort on helping the poor. And yet the prom will be the next opportunity for Luann to parade her boyfriend around and triumph over Tiffany, and for Rosa and Gunther to advance their relationship so that Gunther can look like a real boy. How can it be both? Which is it?

  87. Dood
    February 20th, 2014 at 10:40 am [Reply]

    Funky Winkerbean, the Dark Years: Hello lamppost, whatcha knowing? I’ve come to watch your…ah *@#% it. Blah-blah to blah-blah, feelin’ Funky.

  88. AhClem
    February 20th, 2014 at 10:45 am [Reply]

    @Phone Booth of Tomorrow (#77):

    @Nekrotzar (#64): JJJ drilling holes in Peter’s un-anesthetized teeth would also be acceptable.

    Ooh, unpleasant flashbacks of my childhood dentist, “John the Butcher.”

  89. Little Blue Bicycle
    February 20th, 2014 at 10:52 am [Reply]

    FW: I get the reasonably young blonde anchorwoman part, but why does Roger Ailes look so young?

    By the way, imagine the joy on Sunday morning of waking up, opening up the “comics,” and seeing that older, New Years’ FW. Surely the suicide rate blipped up that day. Well played, Tom.

  90. Amos Snarkadder
    February 20th, 2014 at 10:53 am [Reply]

    MW Oh, come on, Mary! Just Wilbur? Invite Toby and Ian, too. I’d like to see Tommy knife both fat bastards!

    MT I don’t know why I think this, but I’ve noticed that Jessica seems to have a sort of Barbara Stanwyck vibe. And Mark could easily be Fred MacMurray. Double Indemnity? Oh please, oh please!
    “There’s a speed limit in this town, Mr. Neff, forty-five miles an hour.”
    “How fast was I going, officer?”

    Androgyny3G Maybe “Lilly” is going through puberty… maybe “Lilly” isn’t female… I could easily believe that “Nurse Tommie” doesn’t know how to recognize the difference.

  91. Chip Whittle
    February 20th, 2014 at 11:05 am [Reply]

    You know, every time you think Funky Winkerbean is as depressing as it gets, it tosses out a little daily like this to remind you: all these people had the happiest days of their life in high school. And it was Westview High School.

  92. Inkwell
    February 20th, 2014 at 11:05 am [Reply]

    Is The Better Half some kind of prequel detailing the origin of Momma’s neuroses?

  93. Little Blue Bicycle
    February 20th, 2014 at 11:07 am [Reply]

    @AhClem (#88): Reminds me of my former dental hygenist, Mistress Paige.

  94. Mincemeat
    February 20th, 2014 at 11:09 am [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#78):

    If IMDB is to be believed, Lansbury’s only three years older than Roger Moore and five years older than Sean Connery. So that could work, and I would be first in line to see it. Seriously.

  95. the good ship thetis
    February 20th, 2014 at 11:14 am [Reply]

    @Plugger Shrug (#61): Yes, that’s true, and count me as another Betty McDonald fan though its been awhile since I read Onions in the Stew.
    But I was referring to Stalag 17, which is a movie. Billy Wilder* had to find a way to get the Nazi agent to reveal himself and this is the slip-up he chose. It actually seems pretty clever in the movie since the agent passes the World Series test.

    Your comment reminds me of another great Billy Wilder line, from Sunset Boulevard, “The audience doesn’t know movies have writers. They think the actors make it up as they go along.”

    *Possibly the scene was in the orginal play but Wikipedia says that Wilder and his co-writer rewrote much of the script when it was made into a movie.

  96. Elk Meadow
    February 20th, 2014 at 11:14 am [Reply]

    @Marc (#53):

    “And worse (Delta) may be yet: the worst is not
    So long as we can say ‘This is the worst.”
    ~~William Shakespeare

    Yep. It’s going to be bad, very, very bad before this arc ends.

  97. Joe Blevins
    February 20th, 2014 at 11:15 am [Reply]

    SPIDEY: Hey, it’s one of those “THIS BUILDING HAS BEEN CONDEMNED” posters, which totally exist because… oh, wait, no they don’t.

    BEETLE: Name me one situation — ONE! — in which you’ve painted an all-white structure totally black. I believe Beetle is slathering tar or asphalt on the wall, an act which will not gain Sarge’s favor.

    BETTER 1/2: Perhaps this explains why Harriet has only one breast, which has been honed down to a sharp point.

    MARY: “Wow, that’s some shiner. Tommy must be really working you over, huh? Say, any particular reason why you’re cradling a casserole dish in your arms like a newborn babe?”

    FW: Poor Cindy. She’s gone from being disappointed by Funky to being disappointed and fired by a guy who looks exactly like Funky. Her life is a Moebius strip of Funky-based disappointment.

  98. Oregonian
    February 20th, 2014 at 11:20 am [Reply]

    SM – Just to prove his superhero chops, Jameson will now fly headfirst into a steel pipe and knock himself unconscious with a loud FRONK!

  99. Old School Allie Cat
    February 20th, 2014 at 11:22 am [Reply]

    Turns out I like my Funky Winkerbean like I like my Degrassi. Stuck in the late 80s where unwanted pregnancy was as dark as it got.

  100. bfwebster
    February 20th, 2014 at 11:22 am [Reply]

    FW: actually, that’s probably one of the more accurate observations from the strip. I find HD live broadcasts of the local news are pretty unforgiving of any flaws on the anchors’ faces. By contrast, two of the younger anchors on News 9 (Denver) look as though they’ve had their faces hermetically sealed with a Teflon[tm] coating — it was scary enough that I pointed it out to my wife the other night.

  101. Uncle Lumpy
    February 20th, 2014 at 11:38 am [Reply]

    @bfwebster (#100):

    I knew a guy who worked in Engineering at RCA when they were testing US-format digital HD cameras. At one point they were doing a demo in the studio where Golden Girls was filming, and just for grins they shot part of an episode in HD alongside the NTSC-standard.

    Afterward they proudly showed the results to the actresses, who said “Oh, HELL no!” and got the tape erased on the spot.

  102. White Rabbit
    February 20th, 2014 at 11:39 am [Reply]

    C-Shaft: “If you’re dying of cancer, press three…”

    RMMD: Chekhov’s letter opener?

  103. Elk Meadow
    February 20th, 2014 at 11:44 am [Reply]

    @Amos Snarkadder (#86):

    All the kids will hand over the money that they would have spent on prom to Delta, who will feed the one “needy” family, because it’s more important to feed the one “needy” family on prom night than to feed them any other time of the year, and it’s more important to give to Delta than it is to selfishly have fun dressing up and celebrating.

  104. Chyron HR
    February 20th, 2014 at 11:51 am [Reply]

    @Joe Blevins (#97): Name me one situation — ONE! — in which you’ve painted an all-white structure totally black.

    That’s a syndicate coloring error. Sarge in fact saw a red door, and ordered Beetle to paint it black.

  105. Elk Meadow
    February 20th, 2014 at 11:54 am [Reply]

    Luann: Even the cheerleaders at the Gocomics comments section are booing the Delta storyline.

  106. sally
    February 20th, 2014 at 11:56 am [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#63):

    Someone should have mentioned that to Barbra Streisand before she made “Yentl.”

    “Is he making reference to the fact that high-def broadcasts, blown up on a 60-inch screen, reveal the slight lines and imperfections on Cindy’s fortysomething visage, forcing the network to hunt after ever younger and smoother-faced anchors?”

    Why, yes, Josh. Yes he is.

    I had no recollection of this character before now, but was she the subject of competition between Funky and Les, and did Les wreak some sort of revenge by naming his daughter “Summer”?

  107. Hibbleton
    February 20th, 2014 at 11:56 am [Reply]

    MW: Even Mary knows better than to step into the black void that has suddenly filled Iris’ apartment in panel 2.

  108. White Rabbit
    February 20th, 2014 at 11:58 am [Reply]

    @hogenmogen (#40): You’d think he’d call the house. Everybody knows Cranky must be responsible for the alarm, somehow.

  109. bats :[
    February 20th, 2014 at 11:59 am [Reply]

  110. TheDiva
    February 20th, 2014 at 12:00 pm [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#78): I would so watch this. It would be like a witty British Bubba Ho-Tep.

    @Jim in Wisc. (#81): Not counting the title page, McEldowney began this interminable foray into Shakespeare on July 30th, 2013. Unless I miscounted (very likely), that’s somewhere around 150 pages to get to this point (30 weeks x 5 pages a week, not counting skipped days). This graphic novel adaptation manages to do the whole thing in 168.

    Yeah, Brooke has pacing problems.

  111. Uncle Lumpy
    February 20th, 2014 at 12:12 pm [Reply]

    @sally (#106):

    If memory serves, Les ended up on a date with Cindy Summers one New Year’s Eve — nobody had asked Cindy out because she was unapproachably beautiful, and nobody had asked Les out because he was an unpleasant, self-pitying loser.

  112. Fashion Police
    February 20th, 2014 at 12:13 pm [Reply]

    @Marc (#53):
    There was, once. A long time ago, when Apartment 3-G was about three fairly hip young ladies in search of love and fulfillment and who shopped at Bergdorf’s (difficult to imagine on women’s salaries at the time, but that was a parallel universe) instead of the United Church of Tawdry rummage sale.

  113. Hank G.
    February 20th, 2014 at 12:18 pm [Reply]

    @Marc (#53):

    A3G- Is there ever a time when Tommie doesn’t look terrible?

    The year 2000.

  114. gnome de blog
    February 20th, 2014 at 12:24 pm [Reply]

    @bfwebster (#100): @Anonymous (#114): @gnome de blog (#114):
    I’ll get the hang of this yet.

    Anyway, here in Portland the male anchors are all Apartment 3-G polyethylene androids. The women look like soccer moms who shop the same place as Tommie.

    Maybe that’s why, despite similar metro area populations, Denver has a baseball team and Portland doesn’t.

  115. Master Softheart
    February 20th, 2014 at 12:33 pm [Reply]

    GT: Well, I guess there’s a life lesson in that, and more plausibly presented than the outcome of Rex’s casual suggestion to Buck yesterday: The way that the institutions of modern American society are set up, whether they be law enforcement or girls high school basketball, helping others just makes things worse for everyone. It’s easier and less painful to just let the mean girl slut shaming or domestic violence go on.

    FW – Josh Presents The Classics: So what you’re saying is that Batiuk didn’t do a “time jump” so much as a “decade lost in the alcoholic stupor of the main character.” I actually find that completely plausible and unsurprising.

    9CL: “Damn it, the man is clearly the most devious and effective agent in the Third Reich! And I played right into his hands by demoting him and sending him to Normandy a week before the rest of the invasion force after he sucker-punched a British colonel! Thankfully, you were there to, um, try to kill him and then get mutilated by a French Resistance fighter you’d been sleeping with through the entire occupation who believed your cover as a… and the jokes were his way of communicating our most vital secrets to a member of the Resistance who hates Germans and um, what the hell am I talking about?”

    At this point, it pays to remember that this entire plot, Inception-like, takes place in the imagination of Juliette Burber as she freezes to death in a graveyard making funny faces. Keeping this in mind does not make the narrative in the strip in any way more comprehensible, but it does provide a plausible explanation for its incoherence, the implausible stupidity of the characters, and the lack of any temporal logic. This is WWII as imagined by a self-obsessed and historically ignorant woman who is dying of hypothermia, which I have to admit is an unusual and artistically interesting subject for a newspaper comic.

    FW – Cindy’s Story: Actually an interesting legal issue. Batiuk is not exactly being daring by taking on discrimination against the old and unattractive in a medium primarily read by Pluggers, but it’s better than the saga of Les’s writer’s block or literally anything involving Cindy’s ex-husband.

    JP: Um, what? If it’s okay with everyone, I think I’ll just go over to Spider Man to enjoy the realistic and plausible plotline for a few days until this all blows over. Or blows up. Or whatever it is that gets us back to a buzzed and condescending Sam Driver and Neddy wearing something tight.

    PHANTOM‘s Cave of Looted Treasures That Should Really Be In Museums! “They didn’t even know they had it! In fact, they were just some guys who didn’t really do anything wrong, but they had something I wanted so I hurt them and took it.”

    Kit, I would like to recommend some remedial superhero classes for you.

    MT: So, will dinner with Mark, Rusty, and the odd taxidermist be more or less awkward than Mary Worth and the broken former meth addict? Please place your bets before Friday at the close of business.

  116. Jim in Wisc.
    February 20th, 2014 at 12:38 pm [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#110): So, it’s looking like it going to take roughly a year for McE to plow through this?

  117. cheech wizard
    February 20th, 2014 at 12:40 pm [Reply]

    Phantom – Plucky reporter gal’s getting really excited. Wouldn’t you be in her shoes, having scored an extended interview with the biggest thief of all time? Maybe she’ll actually point out to Kit the inherent contradictions of his behavior, so the whole strip ends with him sitting in a corner of the Skull Cave and punching himself silly.

  118. Shrug
    February 20th, 2014 at 12:50 pm [Reply]

    @Joe Blevins (#97):

    “Name me one situation — ONE! — in which you’ve painted an all-white structure totally black.”

    Assuming “you” means somebody (and not me personally), John Howard Griffin’s body?

  119. greghousesgf
    February 20th, 2014 at 12:55 pm [Reply]

    @Amos Snarkadder (#86): Poor FAMILY. Delta doesn’t give a art’s ass about helping poor people who don’t breed.

  120. greghousesgf
    February 20th, 2014 at 12:56 pm [Reply]

    Rat’s ass. dammit.

  121. Shrug
    February 20th, 2014 at 12:57 pm [Reply]

    @gnome de blog (#114):

    “Maybe that’s why, despite similar metro area populations, Denver has a baseball team and Portland doesn’t.”

    Something happened to the Sea Dogs?

  122. Mibbitmaker
    February 20th, 2014 at 12:57 pm [Reply]

    Better Half turned into The Lockhorns Arrested Development so gradually that nobody noticed…

  123. Stantheman
    February 20th, 2014 at 12:57 pm [Reply]

    Luann: It’s takes a certain level of skill to turn helping a needy family into an unimaginable level of douchebaggery, but Evans somehow manages it! Sure, let’s help feed the needy! At night. During the fucking prom! Has Evans ever met an actual PERSON before?

  124. Shrug
    February 20th, 2014 at 1:01 pm [Reply]

    @Master Softheart (#115):

    “At this point, it pays to remember that this entire plot, Inception-like, takes place in the imagination of Juliette Burber as she freezes to death in a graveyard making funny faces.”

    I like your theory, but if memory serves it isn’t even a graveyard — wasn’t it just one lone grave in the middle of a field or something (on which, nonetheless, the helmet which belonged to the person buried there had apparently remained poised on top of the memorial thingee for some sixty years, unmolested)?

    Of course, this is 9CL, so any time one’s memory is accurate, you can’t really say it “serves” — more like “acts aginst you” or “torments you.”

    Memory serves, and the contents of my stomach volleys. . .

  125. Mibbitmaker
    February 20th, 2014 at 1:03 pm [Reply]

    S-M: The building condemned sign is the only thing keeping JJJ on the “Good Guys” side of the good guys/bad guys divide on Sunday strips featuring that by now. And it’s not that J’s a comedy relief character, since Spidey is one, too, and he’s the “hero”!

  126. aphthakid
    February 20th, 2014 at 1:16 pm [Reply]

    @greghousesgf (#119): She also only cares about helping them on prom night when she can make a huge deal out of her incredible sacrifice. The day after prom, they’re free to resume starving while she moves on to the next grand showcase for her benificence.

  127. Ned Ryerson
    February 20th, 2014 at 1:18 pm [Reply]

    Mark Trail:

    “Rusty? I thought your dog’s name was Andy.”
    “Oh, no Jessica. Rusty is my…well, it’s a long story, but Rusty is a boy that, due to some legal mumbo jumbo that I don’t want to bore you with right now, I’m required to take fishing.”
    “Oh, so you’re going to take Andy and go get Rusty and do some fishing before you come back and have dinner with Marlin and I?”
    “Well….I was just going to leave Andy here!”
    “You were just going to, um, leave your dog with me?”
    “Well yeah, I left Rusty standing at the dock, so he’ll definitely be waiting for me there, but if I have Andy in the canoe…it’s like that old puzzle where you try to figure out how to get the fox, the goose and the sack of grain across the river. It’s best if I just leave Andy! He’s not that much trouble! He likes pancakes and anyway, I’ll be right back! Say, maybe I should bring Rusty back for dinner! I’ll bet he’d love to see some of Marlin’s work!”
    “Well, wait a moment, Mr. Trail. If you need to leave Andy here in order to fish with Rusty, then you bring Rusty here, won’t that mean you won’t be able to take Andy back with you?”
    “Well, I won’t be able to take both Andy and Rusty back with me, but we can figure that all out later. Save me some pancakes!”

  128. Écureuil Écumant
    February 20th, 2014 at 1:20 pm [Reply]

    BB: As Beetle slaps the last coat on the final building at Camp Swampy, kinfolk Hi & Lois sit at home puzzling how their swimming pool could’ve suddenly gone bone dry.

  129. Galatae
    February 20th, 2014 at 1:23 pm [Reply]

  130. TheDiva
    February 20th, 2014 at 1:26 pm [Reply]

    @Jim in Wisc. (#116): Oh, at least. Remember, we have to estimate about a week each for loving depictions of wedding-night hand porn, Pibliet’s skirt riding up just so as she succumbs to the zombie potion, and Pibliet stabbing herself in a distinctly Freudian manner (giving new meaning to the line “Oh happy dagger, this is thy sheath!”). Shakespeare foolishly conveyed these moments in a beefwittedly succinct fashion, and so they must be properly expanded on.

  131. Wave Man
    February 20th, 2014 at 1:33 pm [Reply]

    Beetle Bailey: This far into the comments, and no one has mentioned surprise that they can say hell in a legacy comic strip?

  132. Al, et al.
    February 20th, 2014 at 1:37 pm [Reply]

    MW: Two consecutive nights of Mary’s cooking? Good lord, hasn’t Tommy paid his debt to society yet?

  133. Inexplicable Bear Tongue
    February 20th, 2014 at 1:39 pm [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#69): Re: Luann

    One of the things about this that rubs me the wrong way is how Delta’s character is so obvious and poorly-conceived. It’s as if Evans decided he wasn’t going to devote more than three seconds to considering how Delta was going to be a noble community volunteer helping the needy and all that shit. He just latched onto the most obvious thing he could think of and went with it. It’s something the most self-absorbed person would think of doing when she decided she needed to engage in some community service because it would make her look good. And the fact that Delta’s comments seem so… unreal doesn’t help in warding off that impression.

  134. Amos Snarkadder
    February 20th, 2014 at 1:44 pm [Reply]

    @Elk Meadow (#103):

    All the kids will hand over the money that they would have spent on prom to Delta, who will feed the one “needy” family, because it’s more important to feed the one “needy” family on prom night than to feed them any other time of the year, and it’s more important to give to Delta than it is to selfishly have fun dressing up and celebrating.

    True… except for Tiffany, who’s evil and will be properly shamed. Luann will show up wearing some cast-off “hostess” gown that Toni wore when she was working as a hooker firefighter in Manila. Everyone will tell her how “hot” she looks, and Quill will melt into a puddle of vegemite.

  135. cheech wizard
    February 20th, 2014 at 1:47 pm [Reply]

    Luann – Delta reminds me of a friend I had in elementary school. We hung around together because he was the only other boy my age with in interest in science. But he was aloof and conceited, and routinely disparaged things he found insufficiently intellectual, like all sports and the really cool TV programs like 1960s Batman. He’d get absolutely irate when I’d do things like play football or softball with other kids, and once came over after school when I was watching a favorite TV program and was put out because I didn’t want to sit there and go through an advanced math book with him (this was in 5th grade).

    Anyway, I’d like to say that he eventually became a brilliant and highly respected professor at MIT, but a bunch of other kids finally stuffed his insufferable ass in a locker one day and the teachers never let him out. The principal finally put a padlock on it and hung an air freshener on the grate, and that’s the last we heard of him.

    So basically, what I’m saying is it wouldn’t hurt if Delta tried to develop some social skills for a change.

  136. Amos Snarkadder
    February 20th, 2014 at 1:48 pm [Reply]

    @greghousesgf (#119): Delta gets to check another box on her compassion list. Like the time she conned her schoolmates into making Easter baskets for the old folks at the Jewish Home.

  137. Casey, Crime Photographer
    February 20th, 2014 at 2:22 pm [Reply]

    @Huckleberry Fink (#y233): Judge Parker: I remember when Flaco, Franco and Fat Freddy were still referred to as “The Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers.”

    When Gilbert Shelton created them 40 years ago, Flaco, Franco and Fat Freddy were known collectively as “The Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers” — even though they weren’t actually related (or even furries). After starting out as three lovable buffoons who liked to smoke pot, Shelton decided at some point* to make them actual brothers who were arms dealers.

    However, one thing did NOT change: Fat Freddy’s cat can still kick Heathcliff’s ass without half trying!

    *Underground comix historians refer to this dark period in his life as Shelton’s “Ted Nugent period.”

  138. hogenmogen
    February 20th, 2014 at 2:28 pm [Reply]

    @Stantheman (#123): Let’s feed a family of poor people – on the night of the prom!

    And we’ll use only local, organic produce – a vegan dinner! We’ll use plates that we carve from wood – but only from logs of trees that have fallen down in a windstorm or through some other natural occurrence! We’ll wash these dishes in a stream! We’ll literally sell the clothes on our backs to pay for this dinner! We are so eco-friendly-awesome that we are out of control!!!

  139. Elk Meadow
    February 20th, 2014 at 2:31 pm [Reply]

    @Fashion Police (#112):

    I remember reading A3G and wishing I was old enough to go to New York and have roommates in an apartment the size of the inside of Snoopy’s doghouse (complete with Picasso painting) and shop at Bergdorf’s.

    Now I glance at A3G when it headlines here, and here in Oregon I have deer banging their hooves on my back deck, demanding their oatmeal and pooping and piddling in my xeroscaped yard (we spray the weeds, and that’s all we do as the pine trees’ shade kills everything else). Thank goodness I don’t have to clean up after deer, and for the record, the fawns are now about the size of their parents. Unfortunately, Tommie and I seem to share the same wardrobe. No Picasso, either.

  140. hogenmogen
    February 20th, 2014 at 2:33 pm [Reply]

    So are we in for weeks and weeks of JJJ flying around making threatening statements, looking for Spiderdouche, who has said that he’d rather sit on a couch? If so, it’s going to make the plot twists in Mary Worth look riveting by comparison.

  141. Mikey
    February 20th, 2014 at 2:34 pm [Reply]

    @Master Softheart (#115): FW-They should rename the strip “Cindy’s Ex-Husband” or “Cindy’s Ex-husbandbean”, or “Cindy’s Ex-husband, Dead Lisa’s Widower, and Barney Google” for that matter….

  142. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    February 20th, 2014 at 2:55 pm [Reply]

    FW – That New Year’s strip Josh posted is just perfect. No context required. It encapsulates everything you would want to know about Funky Winkerbean. Tom should have just stopped creating new strips, stood up, said “Alright, that’s it, I’m outta here!” and walked away after creating it. Always leave on a high note!

  143. cheech wizard
    February 20th, 2014 at 2:59 pm [Reply]

    @Casey, Crime Photographer (#137): Aha! That explains why April’s father has brought the wealthy, yet clueless, Parker clan to his compound to serve as his unwitting tools because he can’t pay off the gunrunners. “Dopes will get you through times of no money better than money will get you through times of no dopes.”

  144. Baka Gaijin
    February 20th, 2014 at 3:00 pm [Reply]

    @gnome de blog (#3): COTW contender.

    @Fashion Police (#26): Mr. or Ms. Fashion Police: “Awesome” for Ms. Halper is “meh” for regular people.

    @aphthakid (#33) on Luann: Is there a good way?

  145. Baka Gaijin
    February 20th, 2014 at 3:04 pm [Reply]

    @Dood (#66): Another COTW contender.

    @Dood (#73): A plate of mayonnaise en croûte is much better than anything else coming from the kitchen of Mary Worth.

    @Old School Allie Cat (#99): Turns out I like my Funky Winkerbean like I like my EVILSCARYCLOWNS: dead and out of my life.

    @aphthakid (#126): You’re making Delta sound like a mini-Mary Worth.

  146. Écureuil Écumant
    February 20th, 2014 at 3:06 pm [Reply]

    @hogenmogen (#140): Speaking of riveting, I’m starting to wish the nail gun in RMMD would start making the rounds to some of these other strips.

  147. aphthakid
    February 20th, 2014 at 3:18 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#145): Someday she may be the Picard to Mary Worth’s Kirk. Mary Worth, the Next Generation. Currently her meddling is too short-term and unfocused, though. She can’t just make dinner for a family. She has to move into their house for a few months and have an emotional fling with a semi-celebrity while teaching them the true meaning of love.

  148. Baka Gaijin
    February 20th, 2014 at 3:24 pm [Reply]

    Mary Worth: Mary wants to drop off a casserole? I’d want to drop it, period.

  149. Baka Gaijin
    February 20th, 2014 at 3:27 pm [Reply]

    @aphthakid (#147): What’s Delta’s signature dish? Salmon squares, seafood scampi, and orange glop are already taken.

  150. Baka Gaijin
    February 20th, 2014 at 3:29 pm [Reply]

    Henry: “Mongo just pawn in bulbheaded mute’s game of life.”

  151. Baka Gaijin
    February 20th, 2014 at 3:32 pm [Reply]

    Family Circus: Jeffy’s doing the mental math to figure out if his cookie will lodge in Dolly’s trachea in such a way she never talks again.

  152. Perky Bird
    February 20th, 2014 at 3:32 pm [Reply]

    @bfwebster (#100): This is the first winter Olympics I’ve watched in HDTV, and I’ve been freaked out by the amount of armpit stubble I’ve been seeing on the female figure skaters for the past two weeks. Maybe some things are better left in lo-def after all.

  153. Baka Gaijin
    February 20th, 2014 at 3:33 pm [Reply]

    Apartment 3-G: Lily wouldn’t stop fussing all night, keeping Tommie awake. Because why? Lily sleeps in the bed with Tommie, ticks chiggers and all.

  154. Mikey
    February 20th, 2014 at 3:36 pm [Reply]

    @hogenmogen (#140): Spiderman must be delayed as he undergoes multiple concussion therapy on his “Couch of Ineptitude”.

  155. Baka Gaijin
    February 20th, 2014 at 3:37 pm [Reply]

    Pluggers: I call Shenanigans. Pluggers eat gallon tubs of ice milk for a buck fifty from the Wal-Market, none of that newfangled custard crap for them.

  156. Majicou
    February 20th, 2014 at 3:37 pm [Reply]

    Actual nightly news anchors for the “big three” broadcast networks:
    CBS: Scott Pelley, age 56
    NBC: Brian Williams, age 54
    And most tellingly, at ABC, the network that Batiuk is apparently straight up accusing of being a bunch of ageist bastards, using their name and logo and everything, there’s Diane Sawyer, age 68. Hm.

  157. Mikey
    February 20th, 2014 at 3:41 pm [Reply]

    @Perky Bird (#152): Check out the Amazon comments about this $40,000, 85″ HDTV behemoth. Comments look like they were written by ‘mudges. But seriously, the stubble would be horrifying, I’m sure.

    http://www.amazon.com/Samsung-UN85S9-85-Inch-Ultra-120Hz/dp/B00CMEN95U

  158. silverwheel
    February 20th, 2014 at 3:47 pm [Reply]

    I always marvel how Tom Batiuk tried to revamp his strip from high-school gag-a-day to Dickensian drama/misery without changing his drawing style one bit. This woman is easily the most beautiful woman in the entire Funkyverse, and she’s getting fired because she’s too old and ugly? Really, Tom? How about drawing her with some wrinkles or something? You know, draw the strip in a way that might actually sync with a dramatic storyline. Christ, she looks like she could be Funky’s daughter instead of ex-wife.

  159. Majicou
    February 20th, 2014 at 3:54 pm [Reply]

  160. Horace Broon
    February 20th, 2014 at 3:56 pm [Reply]

    A3G: “Maybe it’s time to consider the possibility that keeping a fawn in a New York apartment, based on some info you got on the internet, isn’t a very good idea. Maybe it was time to consider that several days ago.”

    DT: Officer Doherty of the Railroad Police! He’s actually made it into the strip!

    HtH: Browne controversially suggests the Vikings’ reputations as great navigators was slightly overrated.

    Phantom: I suppose we can take it as read that the men who didn’t know they had the Templars’ treasure were totally guilty of something, and Ol’ Stripey didn’t just decide to beat them up because there was gold that wasn’t in the Skull Cave, when it could be in the Skull Cave. I suppose.

    RMMD: Much as I’d look forward to that letter opener coming into play, Doris’s stricken expression in the final panel tells a different story. “Oh, my goodness, he’s right! If I’d killed him, Corey would only have one parent! I … I never considered that before. Clearly, to save my son from the possibility of only having one parent, I should go to jail and … hang on …”

  161. Ratiocinator
    February 20th, 2014 at 3:58 pm [Reply]

    ASM: Is it wrong that I’m starting to wish “Iron Jonah” had been done in the actual canon?

    MT: Oh, I see what Mark’s trying to do. He’s trying to make Rusty so sick of going fishing that he’ll never ask to do it again!

    Meanwhile, the bird in the foreground of panel one is also a reporter, apparently.

    RMMD: While you’re at it why don’t you just throw yourself onto that letter opener stomach-first, Buck?

  162. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    February 20th, 2014 at 4:05 pm [Reply]

    @bfwebster (#100): let me guess… Kim Christiansen, right? I was watching her on 9News back when I was in high school. Don’t know how she is still on the air in the era of HD-TV.

  163. Liam
    February 20th, 2014 at 4:10 pm [Reply]

    Spiderman-Too soon. New York hasn’t recovered from the time a plane crashed into the Empire State Building.

    MT-Run! There’s a feral Rusty loose on the island.

  164. tallyHO
    February 20th, 2014 at 4:12 pm [Reply]

    Heathcliff:

    I was going to write that most of the abandoned pussy cats in that shelter are probably ones Heathcliff sired because despite his main squeeze being there, as we well know, Heathcliff gets around. But, I decided not to write it.

    All that today’s Heathcliff shows is that the cat is good at juggling kitties.

  165. Norman Rafferty
    February 20th, 2014 at 4:16 pm [Reply]

    “Digital shows your age” is probably a reference to how unforgiving HD television is. What was blurry under 525p is rather clear under 1080p. Soap operas have had a big problem, since the cheap sets (with even cheaper fixes) and their own makeup budget wouldn’t hold up under HD.

  166. steam shower demo
    February 20th, 2014 at 4:26 pm [Reply]

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  167. Jim in Wisc.
    February 20th, 2014 at 4:32 pm [Reply]

    @Wave Man (#131): Keep in mind that Mort Walker isn’t what you’d call a prude. He used to draw some Beetle Bailey strips (never intended for newspaper publication, but recently published in book form in Scandinavia) that were downright pornographic. He also reportedly used to sell a poster featuring a nude Miss Buxley. Finally, here are a few recently published strips that were, shall we say, a little “blue.”

  168. Marthra
    February 20th, 2014 at 4:32 pm [Reply]

    Geez, Delta! Why do you hate the prom so bad? FFS. No one is MAKING kids buy pricey dresses, get their finger and toenails (???!) done, or go to the salon. I didn’t spend much for my prom. Wore an old dress, did my own hair and nails, and didn’t wear open-toed shoes. Let my date drive me there in his old car, not a limo. Oooh, God forbid someone choose to do something festive at the close of their high school years. Way to hate fun. What will you do for spring break? Go to the homeless shelter and scrub all the floors with a used toothbrush and find homes for each one of the folks’ head lice? Drink a nectar made from their tears?

  169. Ratiocinator
    February 20th, 2014 at 4:33 pm [Reply]

    @Ukulele Ike (#27): Well, even he gets boarded by Imperial patrols sometimes, so he had to jettison his cargo….

    @hogenmogen (#48): Well, as far as the American government is concerned, it makes all the difference which side he gave the weapons to and what nationality/ethnicity the innocent bystanders who inevitably got killed by them were.

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#60): Ah good, I had noticed the distinct squee deficiency compared to what I remembered and wondered where he’d gone.

    @Joe Blevins (#97):

    Hey, it’s one of those “THIS BUILDING HAS BEEN CONDEMNED” posters, which totally exist because… oh, wait, no they don’t.

    They DON’T? Aw dammit, I was really looking forward to buying a dozen or so and putting them on buildings I wanted to see get knocked down. :(

  170. Marc
    February 20th, 2014 at 4:38 pm [Reply]

    @bfwebster (#100): John Beard (the news anchor from Arrested Development) is one of the anchors on Channel 2 here in Buffalo. I don’t watch the news every day, but I like to watch him, if for no other reason than hoping to hear a story teased and find out “how this will affect your weekend, coming up”.

  171. tallyHO
    February 20th, 2014 at 4:46 pm [Reply]

    @Ratiocinator (#169):

    Not sure if anyone already mentioned this but the sign is near the roof of a multi-story building. Unless you happen to be flying by in a suit of armor, you wouldn’t see the sign.

    That is, unless it is placed there as a warning to pigeons. That’s always possible, right? Literate pigeons.

  172. bats :[
    February 20th, 2014 at 4:48 pm [Reply]

    @cheech wizard (#135): OTOH, I like the locker alternative. Could we find a locker large enough to stuff the whole “gang” in, and hang up a super-duper air freshener?

  173. Martin
    February 20th, 2014 at 4:48 pm [Reply]

    SM: Had the sign not existed, the third panel would have served to illustrate the high stakes, danger, and drama involved with the current story arc. But because this is a Spiderman plot, he expended a great deal of extra effort to add a superfluous sign on the building just so that we would know that the so-called “action” is entirely inconsequential and that the resolution of the plot will not depend upon any actions ( or lack thereof) of any characters in the story.

  174. Shrug
    February 20th, 2014 at 4:50 pm [Reply]

    @Horace Broon (#160):

    “HtH: Browne controversially suggests the Vikings’ reputations as great navigators was slightly overrated.”

    I assumed it was mirror-universe Evil Helga, but then I noticed she didn’t have a goatee.

    (Yes, I know, she does have a duckee.)

  175. Liam
    February 20th, 2014 at 4:56 pm [Reply]

    @cheech wizard (#135):

    How many years ago was this? I like the image of a locker padlocked for decades with a dead body inside.

  176. Liam
    February 20th, 2014 at 4:57 pm [Reply]

    Pearls Before Swine-Just replace Rat with Rex Morgan.

  177. Liam
    February 20th, 2014 at 4:58 pm [Reply]

    Beetle Bailey-”Till you actually use paint on the building and not blackish feces.”

  178. demoncat4
    February 20th, 2014 at 5:06 pm [Reply]

    mw. sure mary that would be nice. after all tommy and i know that saying no to your diner invitie would not work now that you have found us. rmmd. interesting for corys sake buck. were you think of cory when you got the nail in the head ? or will he be on your mind when you start bleeding from the letter opener that is about to hurt you

  179. McGibbslap
    February 20th, 2014 at 5:12 pm [Reply]

    Pearls Before Swine: Guest Starring Rex Morgan!

    Spoderman: I’m waiting for the Iron Cross/Iron Man pun. Yes? No?

    Also, Josh seems to have an unhealthy obsession with the word Oedipal. An odd sort of … predilection. A complex perhaps?

  180. walt d
    February 20th, 2014 at 5:17 pm [Reply]

    FW: old strip: So for people like me who grumble about the strip’s unending misery, this is a pointed reminder that, compared to the first time jump, the current FW is actually pretty upbeat.

    FW: What would bring people (of any age) back to network news? I could list some things that would bring me back, but I’d be bullshitting. The only thing that would have a chance of that, including the collapse of the Internet, would be if the broadcaster was a personal friend. It’s possible there are things that would increase viewers among a select group, but nothing across a broad spectrum.

    Baby Blues: Agreed.

    Pajama Diaries: I’m disappointed today isn’t more acrimonious. This would be a good time for Rob to say “I signed up to be your husband, not your servant.” And let things develop from there. Josh called Gina a “third tier” character yesterday. It would not be exaggerating at all to call Rob at best a very weak second tier character in PD. The strip is essentially about a working woman and her women friends. The husband and kids part is mostly filler. And when it comes down to it, I suspect even the women friends are a mere strong second tier. There’s only one person in that first tier.

  181. Dr. Mabuse
    February 20th, 2014 at 5:24 pm [Reply]

    @Mikey (#75): Wait, what? Marlin on bird porn is illegal?!? Uh-oh. . . I gotta go, uh, tend to some stuff.

  182. walt d
    February 20th, 2014 at 5:35 pm [Reply]

    BH: Two ways of taking this occur to me right off–Oedipal and infantile–and I don’t care for either. A third would be that this is his way of saying he’s damn tired of being told what to do all the time. “If you think you’re my mother, why not make it official?” I don’t care much for that one either, but it’s the best of the three.

    OBH: Earlier in the week Joe was taking a bath while Ruthie hung around. Today it’s the reverse. In neither case did the mother care. Apparently this is either a pre-modern or a post-modern family.

  183. TheDiva
    February 20th, 2014 at 5:52 pm [Reply]

    @Inexplicable Bear Tongue (#133): Exactly. Delta is the sort of person who donates hand-woven blankets to tsunami victims–she doesn’t really care how useful (or not) her actions are, all she cares about is being able to pat herself on the back for her heroic selflessness.

  184. walt d
    February 20th, 2014 at 5:56 pm [Reply]

    RMMD: Let’s not be wimping out, Buck! None of this “you could have killed me”; your claim is that she TRIED to kill you. It’s BS, but that’s your claim.

    RMMD: Okay, fresh opportunity for a nauseating teary conclusion to all this nonsense (as it has played out since the dinner party), and a move to a new story.

  185. Écureuil Écumant
    February 20th, 2014 at 5:57 pm [Reply]

    @steam shower demo (#166): Steam shower units are so last year. The bon ton are all installing steam bidets this season.

  186. cheech wizard
    February 20th, 2014 at 6:09 pm [Reply]

    @Écureuil Écumant (#185): True, but the repeated urgings for Brooke and Batuik to Go Fuck Yourselves does constitute “a large amount of helpful advise (sic).”

  187. Droopy Says
    February 20th, 2014 at 6:10 pm [Reply]

    @walt d (#180): I agree that the FW is more upbeat than before. It can be no other way as the characters creep ever closer to death.

    Spiderbland: Has anyone considered that the warning sign could be on the wall of a one-story building? That’s a common structure in Spiderverse Manhattan, and it would be fitting for Jameson to aim as low as possible

  188. Alison
    February 20th, 2014 at 6:26 pm [Reply]

    “Luann”: Delta could cook a meal for a needy family on literally any night other than prom night. But no, she’s just got to do it on the one night when everyone wants to go to the same fancy party, so she can shame them all for not wanting to be charitable like her.

    The upside to this is, at least for once it’s characters other than Tiffany who are getting the “You’re so selfish!!!” lecture.

    “Rex Morgan”: Dumb-ass. Just go ahead and tell someone violent that you reported them to the cops. And totally do it when you two are alone. Surely that won’t make Nail Gun Woman more angry and make her kill you, or anything.

    “Mary Worth”: I get the feeling Mary is one of those people who thinks she is a great cook, but is actually awful. Nobody wants to hurt her feelings, so they just keep spitting her disgusting salmon squares and orange goop into their napkins when she’s not looking, and she’s too oblivious to realize this is going on.

  189. Vince M
    February 20th, 2014 at 6:35 pm [Reply]

    Oh, good lord, has a lifetime of horror movies taught you nothing? You do NOT invite a Mary Worth into your home!

  190. Rusty
    February 20th, 2014 at 6:42 pm [Reply]

    Pibgorn: Anyone know if Shakespeare’s works are in the public domain, so are fair game for Brooke to illustrate?

  191. Droopy Says
    February 20th, 2014 at 6:56 pm [Reply]

    @Rusty (#190): Shakespeare’s works are public domain, making it legal for Brooke to rip them up.

  192. Sequitur
    February 20th, 2014 at 7:03 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#109):

    Where do I mail my two cents?

    Ah, shoot. That was worth three cents.

  193. cheech wizard
    February 20th, 2014 at 7:36 pm [Reply]

    9CL – “Miss Ernst, did Lt. O’Malley ever disclose any highly classified information to you, such as the identity of deep-cover contacts in occupied France? Because if he ever pokes his nose around here again, I’m going to march him out and shoot his ass, and I need an official pretext to do it.”

  194. Sequitur
    February 20th, 2014 at 7:39 pm [Reply]

    If we don’t see Poteet here tonight we’ll know why.

  195. tallyHO
    February 20th, 2014 at 7:43 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#192):

    It’s gonna cost ya a nickel.

  196. tallyHO
    February 20th, 2014 at 7:45 pm [Reply]

    @Alison (#188):

    Mary is putting people on the spot each time she invites someone over to dinner.
    Her guests would need napkins with multiple pockets to hide the entire meal.

    Enh. Maybe the reason why God made forefingers is because he knew Mary Worth would have dinner parties.

  197. AhClem
    February 20th, 2014 at 7:47 pm [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#142): Cow and Boy quit running at the end of the year. I haven’t altered my Darkgate script, so the same final C&B strip appears every day. If I could do that with FW, using the drunken New Years Eve strip, the world would be a much happier place.

  198. tallyHO
    February 20th, 2014 at 7:48 pm [Reply]

    @Casey, Crime Photographer (#137):

    Now see, I always thought Fat Freddy’s Cat and Heathcliff would be partners-in-crime. Their common enemy:
    Garfield!

  199. Majicou
    February 20th, 2014 at 7:51 pm [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#191): Naturally, with Shakespeare having lived before Disney. I wonder if anyone’s plotted the curve to figure out when the US will arrive at perpetual copyright.

  200. tallyHO
    February 20th, 2014 at 7:51 pm [Reply]

    @Hank G. (#113):

    Oh my!
    Tommy looked quite serious and thoughtful back in 2000. The 2000 model looks like she’d know that if she found a fawn she let the authorities (The Deer People) tend to the fawn’s needs while she kept a well-groomed, long-haired snow white cat as a pet.

    2014 Tommy. Well, let’s just say that she’s hard to read.

  201. tallyHO
    February 20th, 2014 at 7:53 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#200):

    Oh, and why did I spell Tommie with the letter “Y”?

    I was going to set up a The Who joke about their rock opera and couldn’t make it work.

    And, furthermore, I forgot that it was spelled “Tommie”.

  202. Sequitur
    February 20th, 2014 at 8:13 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#195):

    But I’ve only got three cents!

    //not bad for someone who’s got no sense.

  203. Alison
    February 20th, 2014 at 8:26 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#196):
    Mary’s got three guests coming over this time, so when she focuses on one, the other two should take that opportunity to spit out her nasty grub. (“It was great! *Ptooey* I especially liked the unidentifiable white blobs, yum!”)

    Then again, I imagine Mary Worth has the ability to look in two directions at once, like a lizard.

  204. Liam
    February 20th, 2014 at 8:33 pm [Reply]

    Better Half-And so dinner descended into an awkward silence.

    Bizarro-Sadly Godot never comes.

  205. Liam
    February 20th, 2014 at 8:46 pm [Reply]

    Second FW-And if only Funky died then and there.

    Second FW-”And then I looked up and and saw a sign. And that sign said ‘Montoni’.”

  206. Peanut Gallery
    February 20th, 2014 at 9:04 pm [Reply]

    FW – “Also, we need an anchor who’s a better match for us. And thanks to that match, you’re fired! Also, we’re doing this to you because we can. And it starts with you getting canned! We feel that we’re taking the high road on this. By telling you to hit the highway! I hope you wore a pink slip today. Because–”

  207. Liam
    February 20th, 2014 at 9:11 pm [Reply]

    Ziggy-”The trouble is not with your set…there’s just a glitch in the space time continuum! Trust me. I’m a Doctor.”

  208. Baka Gaijin
    February 20th, 2014 at 9:14 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#196): Cargo pants!

  209. Sequitur
    February 20th, 2014 at 9:16 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#208):

    This is a Jeopardy! answer, isn’t it.

    WHAT IS WHAT CLUTCH CARGO DOES WHEN HE’S HOT?

  210. Peanut Gallery
    February 20th, 2014 at 9:25 pm [Reply]

    @AhClem (#6), @AhClem (#6), @hogenmogen (#11): Actually, it’s a movie theater, showing the “SMASSH” hit new film, This Building Has Been Condemned.

  211. walt d
    February 20th, 2014 at 9:27 pm [Reply]

    FW: I read the strip for quite a while in its first version, though I can’t be sure of the paper it was in. I never saw any of the second version until I began reading this blog. I think the reason so many of us never saw any or much of the second version is that across the country editors looked at its new direction and just said no, we don’t need this on the comics page. Doonesbury is bad enough, but at least it’s not depressing. I may be completely wrong on this, and FW may have had a large distribution on into the depressing years, but I have always read about two newspapers a day and FW has never appeared in any of them post-high school.

  212. walt d
    February 20th, 2014 at 9:28 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#204): BH: Yes, I imagine it would. I certainly hope it would.

  213. Wave Man
    February 20th, 2014 at 9:32 pm [Reply]

    @Jim in Wisc. (#167): I quite liked those strips in the link. It’s too bad BB can’t be like that everyday. I just don’t recall hell ever being said in any newspaper comic.

  214. Odie Odo
    February 20th, 2014 at 9:33 pm [Reply]

    Ripley’s: Dragonfly nymphs take the notion of “blow it out your ass” literally.

  215. Liam
    February 20th, 2014 at 9:37 pm [Reply]

    Better Half-Most awkward Thanksgiving ever.

  216. Artist formerly known as Ben
    February 20th, 2014 at 9:43 pm [Reply]

    FW: Would Cindy’s boss really handle it like this? I have my doubts. The station is opening itself up to age discrimination suits and giving her all the spite she needs to sue. Better to give her some happy talk about new opportunities, assign her to do some special reports out of the studio, let some sweet young thing keep the anchor desk warm for her, then de-budget Cindy’s remotes.

    BH: Hey Randy Glasbergen! You know that strip you sent in as a prank? Where Stanley propositions Harriet for some Oedipal roleplay? Where you said, “No way in Hell will they run something this horrifying”? Well, guess what.

  217. Odie Odo
    February 20th, 2014 at 9:44 pm [Reply]

    Gasoline Alley: Poteet finally gets her wish when an angry Skeezix throttles Uncle Walt.

  218. Artist formerly known as Ben
    February 20th, 2014 at 9:46 pm [Reply]

    9CL: He never told you jokes because it takes a severe head wound for him to think he’s capable of making jokes. Not sure what Martine’s excuse is.

    BC: Viagra is what Peter uses to make his headdress stand up like that.

    JP: Ah, I see. They’re after him because of the ship scuttling he didn’t engineer, and the rifles he didn’t later resell at a markup after reporting them destroyed.

    Garfield: The mouse on Garfield’s belly is in an enviable position, especially compared to the one he shoved up his ass.

    H&L: Your little Escobars are having a turf war over the rights to snow traffic in the neighborhood.

    GT: The narrative stints on showing us the girls getting their asses kicked, no doubt because we’re overdue to see the boys doing likewise.

    FC: Dolly’s practicing her pseudo-archaic English for a future career as a Renaissance Faire serving wench.

    Momma: “Washington” and “Willie Wonka” both start with W. I guess I can see how Francis could make that mistake.

    SFx: Since the alligator could tear the fat juicy frog apart with its jaws alone, the puny silverware is only the cruelest of jokes.

    Lockhorns: “Death of a Salesman: The Sitcom.”

    A3G: What? A fast-growing deer staying at a wildlife preserve, say, instead of a three bedroom apartment in Manhattan? That’s crazy talk.

  219. Peanut Gallery
    February 20th, 2014 at 9:46 pm [Reply]

    @Casey, Crime Photographer (#137): I remember when Flaco was still referred to as “Der Kommissar”.

    (Just don’t eat in his Kommissary, or you’re liable to come down with a bad case of Giardia.)

  220. Odie Odo
    February 20th, 2014 at 9:55 pm [Reply]

    Fred Basset: Fred, she won’t “rein him in” until you start humping his leg.

  221. Artist formerly known as Ben
    February 20th, 2014 at 9:57 pm [Reply]

    @pugfuggly (#12):

    Here’s three, choose your own adventure, folks.

    Defining the word “adventure” quite loosely.

  222. Peanut Gallery
    February 20th, 2014 at 9:58 pm [Reply]

    @Mikey (#157): Wow, free shipping!

  223. Artist formerly known as Ben
    February 20th, 2014 at 10:08 pm [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#69): Did Lio just give Stephen Strange the epiphany to become Master of the Mystic Arts? Because he sure don’t look like no Ancient One.

  224. Odie Odo
    February 20th, 2014 at 10:10 pm [Reply]

    Rick Detorie’s “One Big Happy” comic strip is being turned into a TV sitcom — or is it?

    http://www.realclear.com/news/2014/02/20/elisha_cuthbert_to_star_in_nbc_pilot_one_big_happy_5854.html

  225. Sequitur
    February 20th, 2014 at 10:26 pm [Reply]

    @Odie Odo (#224):

    LAWSUIT!

  226. Poteet
    February 20th, 2014 at 10:31 pm [Reply]

  227. Ukulele Ike
    February 20th, 2014 at 10:32 pm [Reply]

    @Odie Odo (#224):

    I think I’d rather see “Cul-de-Sac” turned into a TV sitcom.

  228. Odie Odo
    February 20th, 2014 at 10:33 pm [Reply]

    Lio: Thanks to Lio, a young Walt Disney decides to go into the animation business.

  229. Poteet
    February 20th, 2014 at 10:37 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#194): I’m okay and I’m touched by your concern. No chemical fire here, but there was an exciting episode on the road by my house this morning when a big garbage truck slid off the icy gravel road and had to be rescued by two large tow trucks. (Excitement is relative in rural areas.) Alas, Garbage Ape didn’t show up.

  230. Poteet
    February 20th, 2014 at 10:45 pm [Reply]

    @Odie Odo (#217): Good lord. Thanks for the warning. My original hope was that Uncle Walt would toddle off to the comic strip retirement home and live there indefinitely, unseen but happy, or else be granted a dignified sudden painless death, maybe sudden heart failure, and get a really nice funeral. But I guess it’s time to lower my standards. Make it quick, Skeezix. Don’t let him suffer.

  231. Sequitur
    February 20th, 2014 at 10:48 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#229):

    Okay. I’ve eliminated one more town. Poteet does not live in Northwood, Iowa.

    //Creepy, isn’t it.

  232. Albert
    February 20th, 2014 at 10:49 pm [Reply]

    @greghousesgf (#119): @greghousesgf (#120): Art wants everyone to know he’s been trying to lose some weight, and why’d you have to bring his ass into this?

    @Baka Gaijin (#144): I was going to ask how Sapphic buttsechs could possibly ever not be awesome. But if one of the participants were that ostentatiously morally superior, that might well do the job.

    @Écureuil Écumant (#185): Has a reply to a spammer ever been COTW?

  233. Majicou
    February 20th, 2014 at 10:50 pm [Reply]

    @Ukulele Ike (#227): Bite your tongue/fingers, sir.

  234. Poteet
    February 20th, 2014 at 10:53 pm [Reply]

    LUANN: Delta, UGH. The Detestification continues. The only likeable character in this strip that I can remember offhand was that cute little black cat that was only around for a few days and ended up with an elderly neighbor. I hope that cat will never been seen again or it will somehow be turned into a major feline jerk. Even Puddles hasn’t been entirely safe.

  235. tallyHO
    February 20th, 2014 at 11:18 pm [Reply]

  236. tallyHO
    February 20th, 2014 at 11:19 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#235):

    You know, I think that may be the first time I ever wrote that. I may have used it on boards that convert it to smilie faces before but it looks weird considering I typed it. And, typing it does not feel normal at all.

  237. Sequitur
    February 20th, 2014 at 11:20 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#234):

    You know what would be interesting? Delta gets the dress and goes to the prom. After the prom she tries to return the dress but can’t because there’s a semen stain on it.

  238. Sequitur
    February 20th, 2014 at 11:22 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#236):

    I may be wrong but I bet Nehemiah Scudder thinks that stands for Loads Of Lard.

  239. Sequitur
    February 20th, 2014 at 11:45 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#237):

    And I said Delta but I meant Bernice. But this could work with Delta as well.

  240. Artist formerly known as Ben
    February 20th, 2014 at 11:50 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#234):

    The Detestification continues.

    Someone’s losing their testes? But Brad’s not even in this one.

  241. Sequitur
    February 20th, 2014 at 11:53 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#240):

    Brad can’t lose his. They’re safely locked in a small box that Toni wears on a chain around her neck.

  242. SGT. STONED
    February 21st, 2014 at 12:02 am [Reply]

    MW: Meanwhile, Mary has removed anything of any possible value from her apartment, including her stashes of Vicodin and Oxycontin.

  243. jim, some guy in iowa
    February 21st, 2014 at 12:20 am [Reply]

    Rex MD: the new artist must have decided to lower Doris to Buck’s level of hotness in the interest of realism. watta concept

    JP: the Gardia Bros just found out the ship never sank, Abbott just sold their guns to someone else and pocketed the $

  244. Odie Odo
    February 21st, 2014 at 12:22 am [Reply]

    Crankshaft: Ed was lookin’ for love in all the wrong places. Just ask the pussy cat!

  245. Majicou
    February 21st, 2014 at 12:26 am [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#238): Which is nonsense, since of course it stands for “League of Legends.”

  246. Droopy Says
    February 21st, 2014 at 12:27 am [Reply]

    Spidermanic: Okay, is this meant to be ironic? Because I can’t believe anyone connected with this strip knows the difference between the speed of sound and the speed of light.

    Spidermanic: Yes, it is possible for a man in a room to converse with a flying man encased in iron as he flies through! Okay, prove it isn’t true!

    Family Circus Freaks: Ooooh! Brainfreeze!

    FW: So they aren’t firing Cindy Slumper, just demoting her. They’ll assign her a job as a roving color reporter, finding human interest stories in Reduce Speed, Wyoming and Road Narrows, Arkansas. However, she’ll sniff out an inhuman disinterest story in Westview, Ohio.

    Jugheaded Parker: “They lost everything, including their marbles! That’s why! And to retaliate, I told them you were on the cruise ship. Just because!”

    Mark Trail: It’s . . . actually a pleasant surprise to see Rusty and Mark go fishing again. I hope Rusty’s character keeps developing, and that Mark can keep up with him.

    Phantom: “I hid what treasure I could and bricked up the wall! With the Amontillado! No, I’m sure the bad guys are still running!”

    Pluggers: I call bullshit. Pluggers don’t hoard candy. They cram it down their gullets as soon as they see it. That’s one reason they’re all so damned fat.

  247. Huckleberry Fink
    February 21st, 2014 at 12:40 am [Reply]

    Blondie: Blondie won last night’s curling competition by a hair.

    Family Circus: Dolly Keane enjoys sitting on her frozen assets.

  248. Odie Odo
    February 21st, 2014 at 12:44 am [Reply]

    Henry: You should see how he punishes him for piddling on the floor.

  249. Aviatrix
    February 21st, 2014 at 12:45 am [Reply]

    @Dr. Mabuse (#41): I missed the colon at the end of Josh’s statement, “Twitter user name Bat Les Moore assures me that this cheery moment happened during their divorce:” leading me to believe that the Cindy-being-fired strip was a flashback, and that Josh had posted the drunk-man-dying-of-exposure strip completely without comment. I didn’t mind I thought it was bizarrely hilarious.

  250. Huckleberry Fink
    February 21st, 2014 at 12:50 am [Reply]

    Phantom: Walker, I think it’s a big hole in the wall. Or was that supposed to be a rhetorical question?

  251. Odie Odo
    February 21st, 2014 at 12:55 am [Reply]

    Love is… giving him a handjob.

  252. Huckleberry Fink
    February 21st, 2014 at 1:00 am [Reply]

    Mark Trail: Mark knows the area around “Jack Elrod’s Stump” is always the best spot for fishing.

  253. tallyHO
    February 21st, 2014 at 1:06 am [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#238):

    I can’t fault him if that is the case.

    At a place I worked at we always instant messaged each other. Instead of getting up and going to someone’s desk, we used AOL’s AIM. This was when broadband was something you had a work and that was it.

    So, I would try and be funny, send off the joke and I would get an LOL.
    Every time that popped up, I felt like Curly from the Three Stooges when he’d get flustered.

    I thought it meant “Loser On Line”. Eventually, pre-Google Everything (almost pre-Google. Period.) I didn’t know to look it up. But, eventually I did and avoided using LOL like it was the plague.

  254. tallyHO
    February 21st, 2014 at 1:08 am [Reply]

    @Majicou (#245):

    League of Legends does have a certain ring to it.

  255. Droopy Says
    February 21st, 2014 at 1:37 am [Reply]

    9 Chinless Lane: Of course Edda is enraged. How dare her thrall even appear to cheat on her while she’s fucking a German PoW! I can’t wait until she discovers that the blackguard orchestrated the whole course of WW II as an excuse to shack up with a French bimbo.

  256. tallyHO
    February 21st, 2014 at 1:41 am [Reply]

    We all knew that someday Marmaduke would meet up with Heathcliff. The stars were aligned in some evil way, right?

    Well, color me surprised to see that the Ghost of Marmaduke…er, Marmademon showed up in Heathcliff.

    Kudos to Heathcliff’s boy for knowing the word “commiserate”. Have fun with those phonics, Fenster.

  257. Aviatrix
    February 21st, 2014 at 1:41 am [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#246): Assuming “check again” is chiding Jonah for incorrectly though ballooning the speed of sound, what does the narration box think he’s checking? Does the Iron Man suit include a wallet card listing physical constants?

    If the “check again” is unrelated to the speed of light, does that mean Jonah is going to floor it in the next panel just to see which laws of nature or nearby fragile items he can break?

    MT: I haven’t been completely on top of this week’s comics and conversation, but someone patiently and painstakingly explained to me only a few days ago that Mark and that giant dog were camping without Rusty, that Mark had taken him home and come out again on his own to follow up the pelican story.

    A3G: I can’t envision a next panel in which Margo’s suggested other options for the fawn are not encased in lead.

  258. Gladly, the cross-eyed bear
    February 21st, 2014 at 1:59 am [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#255): Honestly. Isn’t Bill just the unknown American that the fake Nazi reported a this point? Edie doesn’t know he’s even alive, much less that he’s with the French double agent babe. This is so carelessly plotted it’s insulting.

  259. Droopy Says
    February 21st, 2014 at 2:58 am [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#257): I think it’s a given that Jameson will try to break the sound barrier, run into trouble and need to be saved by Spidermouse. A whole lot of other things bug me about this, ahem, story. How can Jameson just climb into that suit and fly it away without any sort of training? Wouldn’t the suit’s electronics keep it from exceeding its limits, like flying beyond a certain Mach number? By this point shouldn’t the Air National Guard or somebody have a couple of fighters over New York to shoot him down?

    Plus, that suit has the goofiest nose art of any flying machine, ever.

  260. Droopy Says
    February 21st, 2014 at 3:09 am [Reply]

    @Gladly, the cross-eyed bear (#258): I don’t see how anyone could have figured out that Bully Bill is Peter Warne. His dog tags were found (somehow, in the middle of an invasion) and returned to England (right away, for no discernible reason, through unknown means), but so what? Even before the main landings on the beaches, two American parachute divisions went in and had men scattered everywhere. For that matter, did Martine/Sourest realize who he was?

  261. Clint Brawny
    February 21st, 2014 at 6:30 am [Reply]

    Spider-Man: Note: The speed of light is 186,000 miles per second, not sound, which is 1,087 feet per second.

    Either the strip is making Johan ignorant of the speed of sound to set him up, or this is another example of the poor quality control over this strip.

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  263. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    February 22nd, 2014 at 2:40 pm [Reply]

    Considering that there are enough empty and condemned buildings in Marvel’s New York City for each and every superpowered battle to knock down at least four, it’s almost amazing that there are any other kinds of buildings in the city at all.

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