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They most certainly will not do that, ever

They’ll Do It Every Time, 10/28/06

TDIET exists to give whiny, petulant voice to the sort-of-but-not-really voiceless, and thus I always assume that whatever character is best expressing that classic look of quizzical put-upon-ness is meant to stand in for whoever sent the idea in to Mr. Scaduto in the first place. Today’s episode is an elaborate fantasy in which helpful teenagers are constantly thwarted in their attempts to pull their weight in the household; thus, we can only assume that “A. White” is the helpful baseball-cap flipping, vest-wearing cool cat. The idea that a teenager might be a regular TDIET reader is truly horrifying, however. Please, please tell me that, like David Tarafa, A. White is a plucky young Curmudgeon reader. PLease?

Another possibility is that A. White is actually the silent but clearly horror-stricken mother in this scenario. She’s too terrified to stand up to her obviously rage-filled hubby on her kid’s behalf in person, so she’s hoping that his favorite cartoon feature in the Boston Herald will show him the error of his control-freakish ways.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith and Mark Trail, 10/28/06

“Yeah, Andy, we’ve got to find Molly! And by ‘we,’ I mean ‘you.’ Go find our friend! I’ll be here with the gun … you know, if you need me … or whatever.” This strip just further illustrates that there isn’t a single featherless biped in Mark Trail who’s worth a damn. I hope that after Andy and Molly take care of the brothers -ake, they turn on Mark and his friends, and then rule over Lost Forest like the King and Queen of the Beasts that they are.

I offer this Snuffy Smith for comparison, to illustrate how Mark Trail is hopefully going to play out in a few days. That “Grr!!” coming out of the bear is meant to be menacing, but comes out just sort of cute and Molly-like.

The Phantom, 10/28/06

The Ghost Who Walks Very Uncomfortably In His Tight, Tight Pants is offering a lovely ass shot in the first panel (this one’s for you, bootsybrooks!), but I’m more looking forward to next week’s thrilling factory tour! “And in here is the break room … you can see we just got a new refrigerator … now down here is the factor floor, and here’s the conveyor belt … an interesting thing about this model is that it was first designed to accommodate a five-foot-wide belt, but they’ve been able to expand it to accommodate our shipping containers, which have had to get bigger because of changing packaging regulations…”

Judge Parker, 10/28/06

God damn it, is this strip going to be about not making assumptions about people based on first appearances, and about how people who seem very different might have a lot in common, and could even become good friends? Because that’s going to blow.

For Better Or For Worse, 10/28/06

Oh, 4Evah and Eva’s public humiliation is going to be delicious.

192 responses to “They most certainly will not do that, ever

  1. Gabe
    October 28th, 2006 at 2:27 pm [Reply]

    FOOB: You gotta be fucking kidding me. Maybe Canadians are just that lame.

  2. Hondo
    October 28th, 2006 at 2:33 pm [Reply]

    Beer bongs: They’re not just for drinking!

  3. Random_Tangent
    October 28th, 2006 at 2:35 pm [Reply]

    What dark secrets haunt Uncle Phil’s past that he feels the need to bring out the beer bong whenever he plays the trumpet?

  4. Harry Paratestes
    October 28th, 2006 at 2:36 pm [Reply]

    JP: Raju got busted out with some serious stereotyping. Now he’s gonna have to eat some crow and talk about the sweaty ins and outs of wrestling.

  5. Harry Paratestes
    October 28th, 2006 at 2:40 pm [Reply]

    MT: I wish that Mark had yelled “Run, Andy, Run”! That way somebody could make a loopy movie with that as a title.

  6. Derelict
    October 28th, 2006 at 2:40 pm [Reply]

    FBOW: I’m still holding out for April doing something involving either alcohol dispensing for musical orifices with the Hose-A-Phonium.

    Unless, of course, Monday’s FBOW has Ellie rushing to exclaim, “What are you doing with my douchebag, Phil??!?!!”

  7. Derelict
    October 28th, 2006 at 2:42 pm [Reply]

    Uh, that should be “alcohol dispensing OR musical . . .”

  8. ChefMike
    October 28th, 2006 at 2:58 pm [Reply]

    I’m confused. 4 Evah and Eva’s “secret weapon” is to take a lame, retarded song, and make it suck harder by adding a goofy horn section? I think the only way their plot might work is to give Rebeccah credit as their inspiration. Then the audience will laugh derisively when April’s rival goes up on stage, and an important life lesson will be learned. then we can go back to the tragic story of Grandpa Jim’s post-stroke infanitlization.

  9. Kyle G
    October 28th, 2006 at 3:05 pm [Reply]

    In today’s FBOW, Phil teaches April how to use a beer bong; I guess we know where “Uncle” Phil has been all these years. I’m secretly holding out for the revelation that Phil is like 20-something and has simply been ravaged by booze. Maybe if we’re lucky, we can get another intervention.

  10. Adfella
    October 28th, 2006 at 3:06 pm [Reply]

    Where the hell did Uncle Phil get that hose and funnel contraption anyway???

    Does he just happen to carry rubber tubing and sundry kitchen accessories on his person on the off chance that he will need, McGyver-fashion, to spring into action and assemble some vital component out of whatever’s handy?

  11. dramashoes
    October 28th, 2006 at 3:14 pm [Reply]

    I own a handful of classic jazz records. While I don’t consider myself an expert in these matters, I’m almost positive Dizzy Gillespie’s horn never, ever made a noise like “bweeaappaabaapaa twaarboorp.” On the other hand, Dizzy Gillespie didn’t suck total ass. Thanks for letting me share.

  12. Ryan
    October 28th, 2006 at 3:21 pm [Reply]

    If I had been taking bets (which I actually was, given my gambling problem) I wouldn’t have picked FBOW as being the first strip to have a beer bong. Of course, I definitely would have assumed it would be April using it.

  13. Donald The Anarchist
    October 28th, 2006 at 3:21 pm [Reply]

    C’mon. They Might Be Giants or Spike Jones could make that whatzimaphone sound cool. Maybe we should consider the possibility that those 4Evah & Eva dorks are really so nerdy they spin round full circle and are actually sort of cool?

    …Oh wait. If that were the case we’d have seen an accordion by now. Never mind, they suck.

  14. Mibbitmaker
    October 28th, 2006 at 3:26 pm [Reply]


    MT: “We’ve got to find Molly before it’s too late!” Gee, Trail, maybe you should have said that about TWO WEEKS AGO!

    Phantom: So, Ghost-Who-Rips-Off-The-Pips’-Lyrics-In-”Midnight Train To Georgia” says, “An armed coward always (shoots)”? So, I suppose a brave armed guy never shoots, then. So why is he armed?

    JP: So, now there’s a guy who is as smart as Raju, but also is handsome and gets all the girls. So, what’s the point, Raju? I’m against suicide, but you might want to find an armed coward and…

    FBOFW: Q: If you blow a long, sustained note on that “instrument”, what sound does it make?

  15. Monkey's Paw
    October 28th, 2006 at 3:28 pm [Reply]

    Every day April looks more and more like her mentally challenged friend, who I more than half expect to end up on tambourine.

  16. Francis
    October 28th, 2006 at 3:29 pm [Reply]

    Deleted TDIET scene: “Wha-a-a-a-t? You mowed the lawn? I was saving that top inch of grass. You ask me before you do anything like that. And h-h-h-hey! Where’s that dust I was using for my allergy experiments? I was keeping it on the mantel here! Gosh darn y’stupid kids!”

  17. Mibbitmaker
    October 28th, 2006 at 3:33 pm [Reply]

    FOOB, again:

    Yeah, just let uncle facial hair get in the band with that thing. For Evah and Eva’s public humiliation will lead to Eva shouting, “Alright, who let that stupid cowboy into the group?!” Yee-hah!

  18. Weasel Boy
    October 28th, 2006 at 3:33 pm [Reply]

    TDIET: “On t’other hand, however” So TDIET is set in the land of non-existent contractions.

  19. Poteet
    October 28th, 2006 at 3:35 pm [Reply]

    Foob — There was a time, years ago, when Uncle Phil had intelligence, dignity, consideration for others, and a normal appearance. I think.

  20. lascauxcaveman
    October 28th, 2006 at 3:45 pm [Reply]

    Yeah FOOB’s uncle Phil used to be a mostly hip and dashing character. I thought it was Rockers, not Jazz players that were supposed to get more lame and pathetic as they aged.

  21. KitsuneWarlock
    October 28th, 2006 at 3:54 pm [Reply]

    An assembly line huh?

    Next time on: The Phantom:

    “More stipped boxers, mule!”

  22. Chester the Wolfe
    October 28th, 2006 at 3:57 pm [Reply]

    I found A. White’s (TDIET) physical address using my massive brain blob and some interweb voodoo. And if you go to the (made for stalkers) google-earth and type in “152 Haynes
    Townsend, MA 01469″ you will notice that He dosn’t even HAVE a garage! I bet he dosn’t even have a son, which might splain his angst.
    Anybody wanna TP his place?

  23. treedweller
    October 28th, 2006 at 4:09 pm [Reply]

    Sure, I used to scoff at the serial comics and now I read MW, A3G, DT, GA, JP, RMMD, (DT)GT, and SM religiously.

    But you won’t get me to read “The Phantom.” You WON’T!

  24. Ouish
    October 28th, 2006 at 4:09 pm [Reply]

    Aiieee! I wasn’t prepared for a horrible mutant bear in Snuffy Smith. At first I thought it was one-eyed because we were seeing a side view. But, no, it’s in perspective. The eye is definitely over the middle of the snout. It’s a cyclops! Just like April and her huge single tooth.

  25. Crankenstank
    October 28th, 2006 at 4:17 pm [Reply]

    Uncle Phil’s soon-to-be-revealed secret is that the Hose-a-Phonium doubles as a beer bong.

  26. Number Twelve
    October 28th, 2006 at 4:20 pm [Reply]

    Obviously Uncle Phil’s jazz hipster routine isn’t paying the bills and he’s playing school concerts to make ends meet. An essential part of every educational brass demo is the “make a trumpet out of a hose and funnel” routine. How do I know this? Well, in the trunk of my car there is a suitcase containing an entire brass quintet worth of hoses and funnels…

    On an unrelated note, when in the entire history of the universe has a teenager just gone ahead and cleaned out the garage, just for the heck of it? I certainly never did, and my wife will tell you that not much has changed. If A. White is, in fact, the sort of person who does that kind of thing, I think we should kick his ass for making the rest of us look bad.

  27. ben
    October 28th, 2006 at 4:25 pm [Reply]

    Even though it’s FOOB, you all thought “Beer Bong” and not “Enema Device”? Phil borrowed it from Iris.

  28. Harry Paratestes
    October 28th, 2006 at 4:38 pm [Reply]

    I disagree with the beer bong crowd. I firmly believe that it is a species of musical instrument called a rectalhorn, which originated in Eastern Europe in the 1100′s. You cram one end up your ass and start swallowing air, then use your anal grip strength to modulate the flatus going through the hose to produce a weirdly atonal sound. It would be best described as sounding like Roseanne Barr being sodomized in a large tiled room while singing the national anthem.

  29. Genevieve
    October 28th, 2006 at 4:43 pm [Reply]

    So the FOOB house band secret weapon will be to get the entire audience drunk?

    There is something so awfully Andy Hardy about that last panel of FBOFW. “Hey let’s put on a show in the old barn an’ we will win over everyone with our beer bong an’ we will get a seven year contract! That’ll show”em and that gig Becky.” (please note my Lynn Johnston inspired use of Canadian teen-speak and the inability to actually say the word ‘and’.)

  30. softdog
    October 28th, 2006 at 4:53 pm [Reply]

    Perhaps The Phantom writer is concerned the excitment of the final panel might be too much for elderly, or anyone who also follows Spiderman, and is balancing the intensity with a promise of future banality.

    It’s an interesting tactic:

    Grappling with a poacher, The Pantom plunges into a ravine. “Next: Geology Lesson!”

    After sneaking onto a smuggler’s boat with the clever rain-slicker-over-purple-tights disguise, The Phantom is suprised by a hail of gunfire. “Next: Import/Export Projections!”

  31. MonkeyHawk
    October 28th, 2006 at 4:58 pm [Reply]

    I absolutely refuse to visit the official FOOB website, but I seem to recall that Lynn based her feature on her own perfect life and family, right?

    Sounds to me like the real-life Apwil might have been caught with a beer bong and lied her way out of it by explaining to her now-burnt-out cartoonist mom that it’s all part of the act.

    Then again, maybe fart-based entertainment is a Canadian thing. After all, it once was a big hit in France.

    Le Pétomane lives!

    More information on fart-based entertainment can be found at

  32. Ron
    October 28th, 2006 at 5:00 pm [Reply]

    “I suppose a brave armed guy never shoots, then. So why is he armed?”

    No brave man would go armed! Just ask the Phantom!

  33. Da Scrodfather
    October 28th, 2006 at 5:00 pm [Reply]

    Meanwhile, in Rex Morgan, June delivers the Ultimate Brush-Off: “Sorry, but the DMV is more interesting than you!”

    And when I saw the Foobaphonium, I, alone in this sea of barbarians, thought Fat Albert’s instrument, not beer bong. DAMN YOU ALL FOR CORRUPTING MY INNOCENCE!

  34. Bobdog
    October 28th, 2006 at 5:17 pm [Reply]

    TDIET – Ha! Yeah! I remember growing up and always being like! Yeah let’s go clean out the garage! It’s just full of tons of junk we ought to get rid of. Then I’ll go wash the card! Then I’ll sort and file all the family photos by date, setting and color!

    Oh wait… no. I think all I did was play computer games. If I did chores it as usually because I was asked, usually more than once.

    Clearly, the kid in this edition of TDIET is just a patsy for the mother, who knows better than to confront her volatile hubby head on.

  35. Rex Parker
    October 28th, 2006 at 5:22 pm [Reply]

    I think the mother in TDIET is actually horrified because she has just realized that her son has somehow morphed into a 48-yr-old man with Bell’s Palsy.

  36. jules
    October 28th, 2006 at 5:27 pm [Reply]

    What the hell sort of trumpet goes “tattica tattica tattica”?!

  37. bup
    October 28th, 2006 at 5:36 pm [Reply]

    I’m into statuesque, homoerotic superheroes as much as the next guy, but what muscles are those even supposed to be on the Phantom’s back?

  38. Uncle Lumpy
    October 28th, 2006 at 5:42 pm [Reply]

    #36 Jules

    That’s double-tonguing – the way a trumpeter articulates into the instrument’s mouthpiece to produce notes faster than the tongue will normally move.

    Of course, that’s what a musician puts into a trumpet, not what comes out of it. But it’s a common error in FBOW, confusing inputs (“I like writing about my family”) with outputs (“People like reading about my family”).

  39. Barmy
    October 28th, 2006 at 5:51 pm [Reply]

    #31: sadly, there is no real-life Apwil. She is a complete fiction, the Cousin Oliver of FOOB.

  40. Mr. Barkie
    October 28th, 2006 at 5:56 pm [Reply]

    4 Evah and Eva is just a a few funny plastic hats and a bag of weed away from being the Devo of the Great White North.

    You know what would be cool? If characters from different strips hung out together.

    Like what if that kid, Raju, Molly and Snuffy Smith cleaned out the garage and found Grandpa Jim and The Phantom swilling bourbon from Aldo’s hidden stash.

    The plots would be way better. You know it, I know it and the American people know it.

  41. elyse
    October 28th, 2006 at 5:59 pm [Reply]

    Today’s TDIET really hit home… well, it hit the home i lived in before the department of family services removed me and put me in therapy.

  42. elyse
    October 28th, 2006 at 6:05 pm [Reply]

    31. Lynn’s website says (regarding the strip being based on her family), “Yes and no. A lot of the mannerisms and the look of the characters actually comes from Lynn’s real-life family, but for the most part, all the characters are pure fantasy and are born from Lynn’s own imagination. As Lynn says; “All of them are ME.”

    so basically lynn is the integral of FOOB… what would that be, 1/2FOOB^2? (or are math jokes not cool here..?)

  43. Joe
    October 28th, 2006 at 6:10 pm [Reply]

    Wow. Way to take an innocent bit of creativity and turn it into something sinister and horrible. Can’t imagine that the band will actually suffer any humiliation since the author didn’t intend it to be something sinister and horrible.

  44. K Bear
    October 28th, 2006 at 6:12 pm [Reply]

    Ok, either Raju will realise he’s gay when he develops an instant crush on the muscly chemistry major…
    or the muscly chemistry major will use his 4.0 GPA to figure out that Raju is in fact a poseur trying to rip off the Parker family, which is why he fixed the barn problem with rat traps instead of…I don’t know, science or tech stuff. It would also explain his sucky, non-existent calculator.

  45. AhClem
    October 28th, 2006 at 6:19 pm [Reply]


    That should be 1/2FOOB^2+C.

  46. Pete
    October 28th, 2006 at 6:29 pm [Reply]

    That FOOBish instument looks a little like a beer bong. And did anyone notice that Aldo from Mary Worth looks like Captain Kangaroo?

  47. MonkeyHawk
    October 28th, 2006 at 6:42 pm [Reply]

    Thanks, Elyse.

    It’s nice to know that some people will enter the dark void of the FOOB website so I don’t have to.

    And yes, math jokes are acceptable, albeit I won’t get a one of them. I got through my college requirement by lying my way into the scholarship jocks’ math class. The final exam was tapping out the answers in the dust with your hoof.

  48. Jessied
    October 28th, 2006 at 6:47 pm [Reply]

    I laughed when I saw the improv hose-a-phone, and I’m glad to see it turned up here.

    Those things generally sound terrible.

  49. Islamorada Girl
    October 28th, 2006 at 6:58 pm [Reply]

    43 “Joe”—Lynn, is that you?

  50. Proteus
    October 28th, 2006 at 6:58 pm [Reply]

    Coming up with a new TDIET every day can’t be easy. The content is either that people are hypocites (Smorky expects everyone to be nice to him but he’s treats other people badly) or, as today, people put each other in double binds (Corko says she wants X but he complains when she gets it). That’s it. TDIET is like someone painting everyday for 70 years using only one shade of blue. Except you’d expect the painter to get better at it eventually.

  51. Von Zeppelin
    October 28th, 2006 at 7:07 pm [Reply]

    38 Uncle Lumpy–So “tattica tattica tattica” is double tonguing on the trumpet? And this virtuoso technique reproduces the sound of a 1938 Underwood manual typewriter? If you “triple tongue,” can you get the “CHADING!ratchet” sound of the carriage being thrown?

  52. Dingo
    October 28th, 2006 at 7:21 pm [Reply]

    Josh, I know that you don’t look like Dixie Carter but when I read your comment about Foobvilian deliciousness, that’s the voice I heard in my head. And I laughed. Laughed like that mentally-challenged girl from the Great White North. I laughed, “Ha….. ha ha…. ha….. ha..ha… ha!”

    I love the look on Apwil’s face in panel 4. It’s the look most people get on seeing their first Puerto Rican cock. Valveless, true. Flexible? Not if you’re lucky!

    In a crossover to Mary Worth, if you following the link from Le Pétomane on wikipedia to Mr. Methane, you’ll see that “There he met a driver called Paul Genders who played in a Macclesfield based soul/blues cover band called The Screaming Beavers.” A few postings back, we had Mary Worth and The Lair of the Gray Beaver. Screaming must be what happens when forced to listen to Apwil’s band in a cleaned-out Scaduto garage.

  53. Hooper
    October 28th, 2006 at 7:24 pm [Reply]

    I love how… crazy-eyed Uncle Beerbong is. Just LOOK at him. He looks like he’s about to wrap his hands around that tubing and THROTTLE that girl. Clearly, he ate a *lot* of the brown acid back in the day.


  54. Christopher
    October 28th, 2006 at 7:36 pm [Reply]

    I always imagine Uncle Phil sounds like Eugene Levy’s character from “A Mighty Wind”.

  55. roydrink
    October 28th, 2006 at 7:45 pm [Reply]

    NO Molly, noooo… what have those bastards Jake and Snake done to you?

  56. Anonymous
    October 28th, 2006 at 7:45 pm [Reply]

    36, 38 as a former trumpeter, I disagree with Lumpy’s assessment. Single (normal) tonguing is “tuh tuh tuh.” Double-tonguing is “tuh-kuh tuh-kuh tuh-kuh.” Triple tonguing is “taketa taketa taketa.”

    I can only guess about “tattica tattica tattica.” It may be what foobs chant when they are going to visit a notorious prison in western New York.

  57. ben
    October 28th, 2006 at 7:59 pm [Reply]

    It’s amazing how enema trumpet beer bongs make the same noises as Liz’s keyboard.

  58. Harry Paratestes
    October 28th, 2006 at 8:02 pm [Reply]

    maybe her keyboard is tuned to the special key of ‘etbb’

  59. jules
    October 28th, 2006 at 8:04 pm [Reply]

    Aha! Uncle Lumpy and Anonymous, thanks (or as Monsieur Scaduto sez, “thanx”) for the trumpeting info…I get it now. I don’t get why the sound effect “tattica tattica tattica” was used in that context, but what the hell. I don’t get why April an’ frien’s never finish their wor’s neither.

  60. Herold
    October 28th, 2006 at 8:05 pm [Reply]

    Amazingly enough, this TDIET actually hit close to home with me. My father was always complaining how I never “took initiative” to do random chores, but the chores I wanted to perform just for the sake of health and decency (such as cleaning out his nightmarish garage) would always be shot down.

    Some nights, I dream about going back home and cleaning that garage with a flamethrower. Brings a smile to my face.

  61. Dingo
    October 28th, 2006 at 8:11 pm [Reply]

    Maybe Apwil could rename the band Flamethrower Enema. I’d give that band a listen. Especially if they had a li’l retar’ on tambourine

  62. Harry Paratestes
    October 28th, 2006 at 8:16 pm [Reply]

    You know, Dingo, the cover art for such a band could make it all worthwhile.

  63. Mat
    October 28th, 2006 at 8:29 pm [Reply]

    I too look forward to a tour of the zombie factory.

  64. Billy and the Boingers
    October 28th, 2006 at 8:58 pm [Reply]

    FBOFW continues to break new ground in Sunday’s strip, which is, I believe, the first comic to address the serious but little-discussed issue of coconut-induced nipple chafing. Ow, my eyes.

  65. Heckler123
    October 28th, 2006 at 9:05 pm [Reply]

    As truly suck-worthy as the lives of the characters in many of these comics strips are, they are still generally more intersting than my life.

    I could use a little tattica tattica tattica some days, if you know what I mean. And I think you do.

  66. BewaretheCreeper
    October 28th, 2006 at 9:18 pm [Reply]

    Chemistry majors with 4.0 grade averages DONT wrestle on the varsity level and DONT go to parties to get laid unless it’s summer break. Maybe the wrestling coach is teaching all of the chemistry classes at that particular universitiy. Even THEN a 4.0 would be difficult if not damned near impossible.

    Did I actually see someone on Fobow who didn’t have their eyes all of the way open, eh?

  67. Harold
    October 28th, 2006 at 9:23 pm [Reply]

    When I first glanced at FBOFW in this morning’s paper (damn you all! Eight days coming to this site and I’m actually intentionally reading that godforsaken strip!) I thought that Uncle Phil had somehow softened, straightened, disassembled, shortened, and reassembled the trumpet into the flexible, valveless hose-a-phonium. Using his super strength, super speed, and heat vision, I suppose.

    Is it possible that what he’s playing are the first few notes of Moonlight Serenade? I know this is usually played on a trombone, but…

  68. Martha
    October 28th, 2006 at 9:32 pm [Reply]

    I see where the FOOB storyline is going, and it’s not heading where I want it to go- public humiliation and shunning by April’s peers. Unfortunately they already did the public disaster once, so I see ForEvah and Eva rocking out (one strip), poorly rendered drawings of lumpy white high schoolers improbably groooving out, as musical notes surround them (good for two strips at least), then a final strip of Becky looking at them in slack-jawed amazement, with the last panel being an April bon mot.
    I would say that the only way to make this lamer would be for it to involve Anthony somehow, but Lynn would probably take that as a challenge.

  69. Harold
    October 28th, 2006 at 9:34 pm [Reply]

    Could we be seeing some sort of meth lab convergence here? Chem Major Bobby and technical whiz Raju, RM, MD’s White Trash Momma, the garage-cleaning teenager in TDIET (making room for his lab…or did he just throw out dad’s supplies?), the factory the Phantom is about to take a tour of (I can’t wait to see him with a “VISITOR” badge pinned to his purple chest)…Snake and Jake and their new guard bear Molly, everybody in Get Fuzzy, and Mary Worth, and…it’s all starting to make sense.

  70. MonkeyHawk
    October 28th, 2006 at 9:38 pm [Reply]

    Uhm, no, Harold.

    It’s not.

  71. MacGyver
    October 28th, 2006 at 9:54 pm [Reply]

    # 69

    this is a good theory, you just need to work in the knights templar somehow to make it a bona fide crackpot theory.

    possibly consider buying a copy or two of the catcher in the rye as well for bonus marks.

  72. Poteet
    October 28th, 2006 at 10:17 pm [Reply]

    #38 — Uncle Lumpy, your observation about confusing inputs with outputs should be required reading, in some form, for everyone. Tragic examples of confusion can be observed everywhere, as in Input (“I like talking loudly on my cellphone while waiting in line”) and output (“People enjoy hearing me talk loudly on my cell phone while waiting in line.”)

  73. Jennifer
    October 28th, 2006 at 10:24 pm [Reply]

    Has anyone else noticed that the 4Evah and Eva plot bears a striking similarity to the Brady Bunch episode where Peter’s cracking voice was the gimmick that made the Brady kids’ band groovy?

  74. Bobdog
    October 28th, 2006 at 10:26 pm [Reply]

    I find Uncle Phil’s “Way” response to April’s “No Way” in panel three disturbing. At first I thought it merely the sort of sad and pathetic attempt at mimicking the linguistic patterns of a younger generation that people of a certain age shouldn’t try to engage less they look hopelessly out of their element. It might even have been an afterthought given the lack of a speech balloon for that additional piece of dialogue. But the effect of the crazed look in his bulging eyeballs of the tableu the character is frozen into just give me the sort of feeling I associate strongly with thinkling “perhaps I shall walk on the other side of the street right about now.”

  75. UnkleSam
    October 28th, 2006 at 11:05 pm [Reply]

    has anyone thought to check FOOB for iambic pentameter? shakespeare dropped letters and invented contractions all the time, maybe Lynn is just creating an homage

  76. fillmoreeast
    October 28th, 2006 at 11:09 pm [Reply]

    Observations beyond hey-that-looks-like-a-beer-bong:

    * Phil appears to be developing one hell of a penose. Combined with the hereditary scrotochin that must be hiding under that weird, weird beard, it’s just plain disturbing.

    * Back when I was a couple shades more geeky than I am today, I used to paint lead miniatures. One of the tips I picked up for making them look realistic was: don’t paint the whites of the eyes. It makes them look bug-eyed and/or insane. Lynn has apparently never learned this lesson, which is why Phil in panel 3 is staring straight into my soul.

    * In panel 4, April’s amphetamine habit makes a rare symptomatic appearance.

    * In panel 5, note the lovingly rendered drops of spit emerging from the PDQ Bach-o-phone. That should charm the audience at the concert.

  77. Lady Di
    October 28th, 2006 at 11:14 pm [Reply]

    #40 – Mr. Barkie,
    I think I’m in love with you and the American people know it.

  78. Klipper
    October 28th, 2006 at 11:15 pm [Reply]

    One: I’m totally down with “foobistank”

    Two: Yesterday Blase asked:

    “Will MW become a self-conscious parody of its former self?”

    I think that question was answered for me when I found out Ella is a freakin’ psychic!

    What’s up now?!

    Aldo comes back from the dead and throttles Toeby with Ella’s hands? Or perhaps Ella releases the threesome from their own “guilt, fear, and anger” by communicating with Aldo.

    The possibilities are endless. I am now in love with Mary Worth.

  79. Doug Puthoff
    October 28th, 2006 at 11:17 pm [Reply]

    11-19: MW: We’ve gone from psycho to psychic. Something tells me Mary Worth is about to turn into “Passions,” but where all the women look like Juliet Mills.

    Zippy: One of these days, somebody is going to look at those three rocks in “Nancy” strips and think it was some sort of secret religious symbol, like the sign of the fish on cars.

    11-28: Dilbert: Reminds me of a lot of the arguements I’ve had on the ‘Net, only slight more intelligent.

  80. Number Twelve
    October 28th, 2006 at 11:19 pm [Reply]

    What, is there going to be some kind of trumpet technique smackdown on the comment board now?

    Evidently it’s supposed to be triple-tonguing, which can go either tah-kah-tah or tah-tah-kah, and I suppose somebody with really questionable chops might sound like TATTICA TATTICA TATTICA. Perhaps this is the Foob way of letting us know that Uncle Phil’s articulation is rusty and he really needs to bust out his metronome and do some serious woodshedding if he wants to get his career back on track. Mind you, if Queen Foob is going to introduce this level of subtlety into her onomatopoeia, it would behoove her not to draw half notes with flags. WTF?

  81. Dingo
    October 28th, 2006 at 11:39 pm [Reply]

    Oh, c’mon curmudgeonites, let’s just get it over with! Why wait for her to announce the retirement? Let’s grab a posse, head to Ontario, and burn Lynn Johnston’s studio to the ground. Then we’ll scoop up the ash and cinders, bottle them, and send a small portion to every living comic strip creator so that they can keep them on their desk as a quasi-rosary. Each time they verge on creating an ABC After-School Special moment, they can touch the Foobvilian relic, recoil in horror, and go back to the drawing board (literally).

  82. AppleGirl
    October 28th, 2006 at 11:45 pm [Reply]

    FBOFW – Any prediction of what we’ll see when the band plays the school dance is wrong. This is FOOB, remember? Now it’s time to switch storylines. We will never see the band perform. Instead, I’m betting we’ll see how Moira is doing with the bookstore.

  83. Daniel
    October 28th, 2006 at 11:47 pm [Reply]

    In Better or Worse…Their secret weapon is a man playing a beer bong? I’m sure some rival band they may play against will have someone who can musically toke a joint. :P

  84. apostate
    October 28th, 2006 at 11:55 pm [Reply]

    42 elyse:
    Bite your tongue! Math jokes are cool everywhere!
    (Hm, maybe this explains my otherwise inexplicable fondness for Foxtrot.)

    45 AhClem:
    I’d argue that the integral is ln FOOB + c, since FOOB always represents the lowest common denominator.

  85. Poteet
    October 28th, 2006 at 11:58 pm [Reply]

    10/29 (Sunday)

    MT — I like spiders. Spiders are useful, interesting, wonderfully designed for what they do, and focused on activities that make sense, given what spiders need to accomplish in life. This sets spiders well above just about every person in the Foobiverse at the present time.

    JP — I like Abbey a lot more now than I used to. Her pure, determined quest for a boink is somehow touching. Abbey doesn’t understand Sam’s indifference toward her.

    RMMD — So does Skankarella understand the nature of her new career, or doesn’t she? And I like June’s deathray look of fury. She’s beautiful when she’s angry.

  86. Opus
    October 29th, 2006 at 12:02 am [Reply]

  87. BrianC
    October 29th, 2006 at 12:06 am [Reply]

    What about the rape trial? Wasn’t there supposed to be a rape trial or something in For Better or For Worse? And didn’t the grandfather have a stroke?

    This storyline seems a lot less interesting.

  88. Dingo
    October 29th, 2006 at 12:52 am [Reply]

    Does anyone here remember the Hayley Mills movie The Trouble with Angels in which her tagline was “I have a scathingly brilliant idea!”? That 5th panel of FOOB is a perfect spot for that comment. Alas, this being Foobville, the crowd at the performance will go wild for the enema horn instead of foisting the band out of the gymnasium with pitchforks raised in ire. Rebecca (aka Becky aka Roadside) will not be given the opportunity to chortle in glee and then die from a brain aneuryism. Somehow, by the next morning, every man, woman, child, and mule in Ontario will be running out to hardware stores to purchase their own enema horns. Michael Patterson will write a novella about a young Irishwoman making her way across the Plains earning money by giving enema horn concerts. The book is entitled A Song in My Heart and a Tube in My Ass: Sheilaugh’s Shtory of Shong and Shpirit.

  89. AppleGirl
    October 29th, 2006 at 12:55 am [Reply]

    Dingo, I heart you.

  90. TaxiGirl
    October 29th, 2006 at 1:10 am [Reply]

    What we’ve all failed to comment on about this installment in the Foobiverse is that in this strip, for the first time in recent memory, April’s hair IS NOT HIDEOUS. She’s let it down from that strange propeller-bun that makes one wonder whether her head is actually planning an escape from the rest of her.

  91. AppleGirl
    October 29th, 2006 at 1:28 am [Reply]

    Sunday’s FBOFW – Hey! I am laughing at this one! It’s funny! I like the goofy costumes, I like the partying, and I like the final panel. The joke made me laugh. I hope it’s okay I posted this; usually if I can’t say something snarky, I don’t say anything at all.

  92. Baron Von Foobenstein
    October 29th, 2006 at 1:51 am [Reply]

    If you weren’t sure if Lynn Johnsuck was out of touch when she invented the teen slang term “foob,” maybe you are more convinced now. Since when would a garage band of a bunch of 15 year olds seek advice from, and be fascinated with, some 60 year old dorkus who plays the trumpet?

    Do ANY of you know a 15 year old girl who would NOT roll her eyes and walk away if her geekoid uncle whipped out an enema tube and started making fart noises through it?

    Only in Foobington, Onterrible would a teenager think ANY of this is cool or interesting.

    As for the triple-tounge licks played by this Canadian Al Hirt, maybe he’s rally saying “Attica, Attica, Attica,” referring to the prison in New York state. Maybe he did some time there, and participated in the well-known 1971 riot down there.

    Nah. What am I THINKING?? Not only has no Foob ever set foot in the Hue Hess Hay, there’s no evidence to suggest that they even know we are down here!

    Aw, screw it. Analyzing ass-brained comic strips makes my head hurt.

  93. Edward
    October 29th, 2006 at 2:01 am [Reply]

    TDIET: Since when has this ‘comic’ been set in Yorkshire? I know of know where else that would say ‘on t’ other hand’. “There’s trouble in t’ mill!!’

  94. ScuffedB
    October 29th, 2006 at 2:34 am [Reply]

    I have a rather radical theory regarding that TDIET (a comic I had never seen before coming to this blog). That’s no teenager, even though he is garbed in the popular skintight, horizontal striped monochromatic shirt with black sweater vest that our nation’s youth wear. I think what you’ve got there is a Faulknerian Idiot Man-Child (that face suggests an age well above 45, let alone 12 years old).

    And when exactly, did “t’other”, as in “on t’other hand”, become an acceptable contraction? Mangling the English language? They Do It Every Time!

  95. Sara B.
    October 29th, 2006 at 2:46 am [Reply]

    Maybe Mark Trail is heading in the direction of a Pluggers origin story? “And that’s how Andy Dog met Molly Bear, and their unholy coupling somehow spawned a kangaroo, a chicken, and a folksy, down-home breed of class rage.”

  96. Spanky McFiggins
    October 29th, 2006 at 3:06 am [Reply]

    More information about factories can be found on the internet.

  97. Dingo
    October 29th, 2006 at 3:27 am [Reply]

    I love the name Spanky McFiggins. It sounds like an Irish midget pornstar that Apwil Patterson would marry. On a pony.

  98. K Bear
    October 29th, 2006 at 4:09 am [Reply]

    MT- “insect hordes” made me laugh. so many mental images.

  99. Harry Paratestes
    October 29th, 2006 at 4:40 am [Reply]

    RMMD: No wonder June’s furious! Her ticket says ’128′ but the sign probably says “Now serving # 0.001″
    Meanwhile, Nikki should get a job to help support himself and salami mommy by playing lead guitar in a ‘Flock of Seagulls’ tribute band.
    A3G: Gotta love the bad perspective, it’s practically Elrodian. In panels 1 and 4, Eric is a full head taller than Luann, but in panel 3 he’s her height.
    Speaking of Elrodian distortion, MT better watch out or he’s going to get his brain sucked out by a giant spider!

  100. Robert Whitaker Sirignano
    October 29th, 2006 at 4:53 am [Reply]

    THEY’LL DO IT EVERY TIME is a panel strip that seems to have been around forever and its tolerated on the comics pages, just like THE LOCKHORNS and other crud like HEATHCLIFF. It’s basic premise seems to be people hate one another and it’s funny.

    Ah well…

    It’s been a while since I tried to follow the PHANTOM. I abandoned it when the monsters enter the strip. The ones called “Hzz” and Hrzz”. Some jokes are just dumb enough to realize the writing is weak.

  101. Von Zeppelin
    October 29th, 2006 at 5:31 am [Reply]

    10/29 Mary Worth–Where was this psychic a few weeks ago? If she had participated in the intervention, she could have sensed that Aldo was headed, respectively, to Wines Liquors, the bottom of a bottle of Johnnie, and over the cliff. The dreadful tragedy that racked Curmudgeonstan could have been averted.

  102. KatieLA
    October 29th, 2006 at 5:43 am [Reply]

    Harold, I love you because I had the same thought – “How in the HELL did he turn that trumpet into a hose horn?!” I thought maybe a panel was missing….?

  103. Dingo
    October 29th, 2006 at 6:17 am [Reply]

    Von Zeppelin #101

    Mary Worth is not dissimilar to elections in America since the rise of Karl Rove and the Bush dictatorship: we know what the outcome will be before the first week’s worth of strips is concluded. Mary will meddle her way into the conflict and bring about an outcome that is pleasing to her — not particularly to the participants in the conundrum. If Mary Worth doesn’t succeed, then the terrorists have won!

    This statement brought to you by Friends of Mary Worth, a shadow organization that has nothing to do with the overthrow of meddlesome biddies throughout America.

  104. Von Zeppelin
    October 29th, 2006 at 6:44 am [Reply]

    103 Dingo–Alas, you are probably right. As soon as Mary is finished harassing the Coryspawn at the hospital, she will biddy her way into the Ella story line, and the plot will advance with predetermined Karlrovian precision.

    Along the way, however, there will be the usual small oddities to enjoy. Like Ella’s odd resemblance to Harry Truman. And the way, in the penultimate panel, she is extending her arm to pour her tea into Iris’ lap.

  105. howard cosell
    October 29th, 2006 at 7:40 am [Reply]

    D’ja ever notice? If you read the TDIET narrator’s lines in Will Ferrel’s Howard Cosell voice, the akward rhythms and slang make sense and roll off the tongue.

    “If you were a hot dog, would you eat yourself? I would.”

  106. Lynny_M
    October 29th, 2006 at 8:02 am [Reply]

    # 12 – Ryan -

    Actually, if my memory serves me correctly, Pearls Before Swine had a beer bong mentioned and/or featured during a baby-sitting series. However, FBOW clearly takes it over the line by refusing to have it make any sense.

  107. dimestore lipstick
    October 29th, 2006 at 8:03 am [Reply]

    All right–making fun of DTM is one thing, but this is just wrong:

  108. trubbaman
    October 29th, 2006 at 8:13 am [Reply]

    They’ll do it every every time! Today’s MF is talking about making diet and exercise mandatory for cops because they’re too fat. Only yesterday, the duck was mocking laws against serving fatty foods. Tinsely, stop being a hypocrite, y’hear?

  109. gleeb
    October 29th, 2006 at 8:32 am [Reply]

    Re: “t’other”.

    I think this is the last gasp of the use of dialect humor. If you go back before Mark Twain (and even, to a certain extent in Twain’s work), most of American “humorous” writing is God-awful dialect crap. It’s horribly bad, because first you have to read what’s written, figure out what it’s supposed to mean, then figure out why it’s supposed to be funny. Kills the timing, y’know?

  110. Derelict
    October 29th, 2006 at 9:05 am [Reply]

    Sunday’s FBOW: I guess Ellie decided to wear the scariest costume she could think of to the Halloween party–she went as Granthony.

  111. fillmoreeast
    October 29th, 2006 at 9:05 am [Reply]

    88: “Michael Patterson will write a novella about a young Irishwoman making her way across the Plains earning money by giving enema horn concerts.”

    … if you know what I mean.

  112. yellojkt
    October 29th, 2006 at 9:21 am [Reply]

    In support of TDIET, My brother once cleaned the garage completely on his own initiative. Later, my parents noticed a six-pack of beer was missing. Oh, yeah.

  113. Ohyes
    October 29th, 2006 at 9:28 am [Reply]

    Apwil knows the band sucks, and her new plan is to win the battle of the bands with low humor.

    “YEAH! We like the band that made fart sounds! With an enema tube! Whee-ha!!”

    “Did you see the look on principal’s face? And the music director? Go, Eva!”

  114. Heckler123
    October 29th, 2006 at 9:28 am [Reply]

    Regarding DTM – I find myself unable to care that:

    1. Someone actually made a statue of Dennis the Menace.
    2. Someone actually stole a statue of Dennis the Menace.

    Has anyone checked under Margaret’s bed?

  115. Baron Von Foobenstein
    October 29th, 2006 at 9:38 am [Reply]

    “Mister Lashio?”

    “Call me Uncle Phil.”

    “Uncle Phil?”

    “Yes, April?”

    “You are the biggest effin’ dork in all of Canada, an’ that’s saying somethin’.”

    “No way.”


    “No way.”


    “No way.”


    “No way.”

    “Way.””No way.”


    “No way.”

    “Way.””No way.”


    “No way.”

    “Way.””No way.”


    “No way.”


    (Tune in next week….)

    “Phil, you you know your dad? The one who was In Hospital, but went home with Saint-In-Training Iris?”

    “Ol’ Scrote Chin? Yeah?”

    “Well, he FIANLLY croaked.”

    “No way.”


    “No way.”


    (Stay tuned!!)

  116. Baron Von Foobenstein
    October 29th, 2006 at 9:40 am [Reply]

    Erk…. I need typing lessons!

    (No way.)


    (No way.)


  117. Ohyes
    October 29th, 2006 at 9:40 am [Reply]

    91 – Apple Girl – Yes, Sunday’s FBOFW is, um, great. And someone had the courage to say so!

    What big smiles they have. And everyone loves Dad’s costume, except the Carmen Miranda cross-dresser, who’s gulping her drink, upset at being upstaged by that, that slut in that skimpy outfit.

  118. AeroSquid
    October 29th, 2006 at 9:43 am [Reply]

    Uncle Phil is sooooo kewl ! First the musical beer bong……then the ‘other’ bong. Then Uncle Phil started getting ‘creepy old guy’ around my friends.

  119. John C Fremont
    October 29th, 2006 at 9:52 am [Reply]

    Sorry guys, but Sunday’s FBOFW was deeply, deeply disturbing. I’d be all at sea right now if not for my old friend Johnny. And Mary Worth’s new neighbor is not Harry Truman. It’s Reece Shearsmith’s Charity Shop lady from The League Of Gentlemen. In the final panel she’s about to say “No need to be rude, dear!”

    And there’s a Dennis The Menace Statue?! And it hadn’t been stolen until now? Crikey!

  120. JB2
    October 29th, 2006 at 9:57 am [Reply]

    Sunday Foob:

    I don’t get it. Did Mr. Patterson (oops! Doctor Patterson) have an allergic reaction to the coconut shells covering his nasty little man-nipples?

    Wouldn’t it be more likely that the rash is caused by whatever adhesive was used to stick the shells onto his pale, hairless, sunken chest. Then Elly’s punchline could have been something like, “I told you not to use model-airplane glue.” Equally amusing, but it makes a lot more sense.

  121. art
    October 29th, 2006 at 9:57 am [Reply]

    FOOB has been one ongoing illustration for the unstated rules for ‘cool’ comics: there should NEVER be any kind of attempt at visualizing a band’s music, unless it is meant to make them look super-lame. Don’t bring in the family to watch and appreciate “the kids” music. No funky weird instruments from relatives are allowed as “secret weapons”.

    The whole thing is surely a trick to prop up Becky’s career, I am sure April is actually paid by Becky’s handlers to screw up that gig and prove once and for all Becky was the genius and 4evah even more losers than imagined.

  122. jules
    October 29th, 2006 at 10:26 am [Reply]

    #101 Von Zeppelin: I was all at sea before, but now I am a resident of Curmudgeonstan. That makes me happier than I can say! If I was the least bit computer-savvy I’d make a “Curmudgeonstan” button. Please, someone computer-savvy must help us out!

  123. FleaBailey
    October 29th, 2006 at 10:28 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth’s new character is a psychic!

    I’m so happy now.

  124. Robert Whitaker Sirignano
    October 29th, 2006 at 10:37 am [Reply]

    Re-read THE PHANTOM strip, and realized what bugged me with it. The hand he slugs the man holding the rifle would be the one in the way on the weapon, but he Ghostwhowalks simply slaps it out of the way with the other hand. That would take more manuevering that time would allow, and the GWW would have been shot.

    He should have just kicked him in the nuts. Everyone would have been satisfied.

  125. topliff
    October 29th, 2006 at 10:40 am [Reply]

    vs. her predecessor who was a psycho!

  126. weiser
    October 29th, 2006 at 10:50 am [Reply]

    I am SO EXCITED because “Tweakin’ Tommy” is back, sort of – and a little ashamed that I have been readying about MW on this site for two year. Yikes. But also a little proud because I predicted this, sort of, a couple days ago. So I gleefully quote myself, sort of, don’t really know how……

    Shouldn’t Tommy be released from the State Pen by now? I’m expecting him back home with Iris any day.

    He was sent up the river eons ago and it was (I think) his first “real offense”. If you can call dealing fake “stuff” to a college kid an “offense”. I call it a life-lesson that needed learning.

    Dang uppity college kids anyway.

    . . . My bad. I was relying on my memory (I thought it was just the short-term that was affected). I checked the link and Tommy was sent up the river for his second offense.

    Still it’s been two years. No one gets that kind of time these days. I say, give him parole. There’s always a place in Iris’ home and heart for her son.

  127. weiser
    October 29th, 2006 at 10:54 am [Reply]

    Iris might have “unresolved feelings”, but clearly she wants her boy home. We don’t need no stinking Ella-physic to know that.

  128. Mazement
    October 29th, 2006 at 11:03 am [Reply]

    It’s too early to say whether or not Mary Worth’s new neighbor is a psychic. If that’s Wilbur leaving Ella’s apartment in the 10/27 strip, then he probably blabbed all about Iris’ son being in prison. So it’s possible that Ella is just a con-artist posing as a psychic.

    On the other hand, Halloween is coming up. Maybe Ella was granted powers by Satan himself, and in the 10/31 strip she’ll have her 200th birthday and be dragged off to Hell in accordance with the terms of their contract.

    That would be the shortest Mary Worth storyline ever. Mary could wrap things up with a platitude, like, “He who sups with the Devil should take a long spoon!”

  129. lesles
    October 29th, 2006 at 11:04 am [Reply]

    #81 Let’s grab a posse, head to Ontario, and burn Lynn Johnston’s studio to the ground

    k’n oath! i’m with you, dingo! i’ve hated that thing ever since it first scarred our papers. i remember reading the first strip that was published in australia, and i didn’t make it to the third panel before i started to feel physically sick. i knew then, even as a child, that i had seen the face of wrong, and that i would never be the same again.

    and i normally like canadians.

  130. weiser
    October 29th, 2006 at 11:08 am [Reply]

    Okay, so Ella’s a “psychic”, not a “physic”. As far as we know anyway.
    See it before you say it only helps so much

  131. Red Greenback
    October 29th, 2006 at 11:10 am [Reply]

    That photo of the Dennis statue with the anatomically correct hands is freakin’ me out, man! My theory about the theft is that the perps are altering the digits to more faithfully portray the stubby claws Dennis sports in his 2d version before returning it.

  132. Marc
    October 29th, 2006 at 11:11 am [Reply]

    So um, this beer bong proves how dumb Foobs are. I mean, it’s enough that they have onomatopeoia’s such as Ticka, ticcka, tappa, scritccch, and snapp

  133. Aaron
    October 29th, 2006 at 11:52 am [Reply]

    In Sunday’s Spider-Man, Mary Jane is surprised that the crowd could recognize her with that blonde wig on… But just minutes earlier, TV anchor Maria Lopez had no trouble recognizing her. Wha-a-a-a? Oh yeah!

  134. Nori Chan
    October 29th, 2006 at 11:54 am [Reply]

    … Uncle Phil seems to be playing the funnel and tube of a beer bong.

    Wait, what?

  135. Hysterical Woman
    October 29th, 2006 at 11:57 am [Reply]

    “Raju, I bet you’re wondering how I can both wrestle at a varsity level and get a 4.0 as a chemistry major. It’s simple: I sell my body to science geeks and they do my homework. So, want to try me?”


  136. Von Zeppelin
    October 29th, 2006 at 12:00 pm [Reply]

    130 Weiser–”Physic” is an antiquated word for “laxative.” Ever wonder why “physicians” are called that? Ella may indeed turn out to be a “physic.” We will have to wait and see what effect she has on the residents of Charterstone.

  137. suseyblue
    October 29th, 2006 at 1:07 pm [Reply]

    Arrow-Ass Gets The Munchies

  138. treedweller
    October 29th, 2006 at 1:20 pm [Reply]

    I finally figured out why I can’t shake the idea that Drabble’s wife is his mother. It’s not the old lady hair or the old lady glasses: it’s the omnipresent apron she wears. Nobody from the past three or four generations even wears an apron in the kitchen, much less outside of it. In the back of my mind, I always picture her shaking a rolling pin at him and calling him “young man.”

  139. Anonymous
    October 29th, 2006 at 1:22 pm [Reply]

    Of course, what Uncle Phil really wanted to play like a trumpet was April.

    Bweeaappatatapatatwaaarrrborppt, indeed.

  140. Air Forbes
    October 29th, 2006 at 1:25 pm [Reply]

    Clearly, theft was the only appropriate response to that statue of DTM. The $5000 reward should be for service to the community by getting rid of it, not for its return.

  141. Lee
    October 29th, 2006 at 1:36 pm [Reply]

    Take Jennifer Love Hewitt, drain all sex appeal and pretense of empathy from her, and then age her a few decades, and you’re left with Ella, the Guilt Whisperer.

  142. Anonymous
    October 29th, 2006 at 1:39 pm [Reply]

    #139 Bweeaappatatapatatwaaarrrborppt being of course the sound Canadian women make when they orgasm.

    And I’m confused…If the dumb musclehead / 4.0 GPA chemistry major dogpiles and donkey punches Ragu into homoerotic paraplexia, is that reinforcing ugly stereotypes or refuting ugly stereotypes?

    Man, this comics stuff is hard.


  143. Len
    October 29th, 2006 at 2:03 pm [Reply]

    The Whitley Streiber “greys” have been busy this weekend. First they abducted Lio for some discrete extra-terrestrial “probing.”

    Then they went to Brewster Rockett for some anal exploration.

    I’m wondering if Brewster also got a lollypop? (Dingo, is that you under the “alien” make-up?)

  144. Von Zeppelin
    October 29th, 2006 at 2:08 pm [Reply]

    141 Lee–I must respectfully disagree with your Jennifer Love Hewitt thesis. If you altered JLH that much, would any of her Jenniferian essence still exist? Truly a question for the philosophers, if not the biologists.

    I’m sticking with my Harry-Truman-in-drag idea. One easy step, and the buck stops there.

  145. Lisa
    October 29th, 2006 at 2:16 pm [Reply]

    #87 – you’re saying sick old men and rape trials are more socially relevant than enema tubes and beer bongs? Huh.

    #88 – “Michael Patterson will write a novella about a young Irishwoman making her way across the Plains earning money by giving enema horn concerts. The book is entitled A Song in My Heart and a Tube in My Ass: Sheilaugh’s Shtory of Shong and Shpirit.”

    bent over double, stomach hurts, laughing too hard… help.

  146. Biblio
    October 29th, 2006 at 2:18 pm [Reply]

    This morning, in church, the reading from Issiah contained this line:
    We all growl like bears; like doves we moan mournfully.
    We wait for justice, but there is none; for salvation, but it is far from us.

    And I thought of Molly. Get a move on, Mark!

  147. Von Zeppelin
    October 29th, 2006 at 2:28 pm [Reply]

    146 Biblio–The Isaiah 59:11 bears seem to be nice, Molly-like bears, growling quietly for justice and salvation. They don’t understand Yahweh’s hostility.

    Other biblical bears are more like Arrow-Ass. The ones, for example, in 2 Kings 2:24 who devoured 42 small boys who made fun of the prophet Elisha’s baldness. Perhaps they were probably taunting him for his rediculously unconvincing combover. The Bible has many lessons for us all . . .

  148. FE
    October 29th, 2006 at 2:31 pm [Reply]

    Tom Batiuk is going to come after Foob – he already did this storyline too. For those of you whose newspapers do not inflict Crankshaft* upon you, a few years ago the teens formed a jazz combo with one of the senior citizens.

    *From the official site: “Written in the same ‘narrative humor’ vein as Funky, the strip offers plenty of humor, but it also tackles some tough issues like adult illiteracy, Alzheimer’s disease and school violence.”

  149. Joe
    October 29th, 2006 at 2:38 pm [Reply]

    We cannot abide comics don’t do what their titles promise. They’ll Do It Every Time not containing things done every time is like Dennis The Menace not containing mischievous behavior, or For Better or For Worse not containing animated blinking. This will not stand, comics page!

  150. ChefMike
    October 29th, 2006 at 4:02 pm [Reply]

    FW: Okay, I remember that Comic Book Guy John used to have a crush on the one armed band director assistant chick, and that she ultimately married Funky’s War Hero brother Wally, but I don’t remember them starting to pump out children? or did they adopt their first one? cause this kid looks awfully ethnic, to have been produced by two caucasians.
    FOOB: the premise is funny, sure, but the artwork in this one is horrendous. I want to join the angry torch weilding mob that goes to Ontario and forces Lynn to retire early, to hell with tying up the loose ends, just give up now!
    MF: A Duck makes fun of cops “waddling” and apparently disagrees with the seatbelt laws. I have only this to say, if you’re ever in an accident without a seatbelt, you deserve exactly what you get.
    BC: Peter writes on his amazing jet-propelled floating stone tablet and gets a lame Daylight Saving Time joke in return.
    TDIET: 2nd panel, they just rehashed a joke from earlier in the week (minus the next panel where dad complains at his son for wanting $5 to go to the mall) 4th panel: Don’t you hate it when public parks have the nerve to set forth rules to keep the park beautiful and enjoyable for everyone? (in his defense though I’ve never been to a park with a “no picnicking” rule)
    9CL: Brooke must have been behind schedule with his Sunday strips this month, and created a completely throwaway strip of nothing but silhouettes. I would have preferred another one of that cat messing with the panel borders, personally.

  151. Joe
    October 29th, 2006 at 4:19 pm [Reply]

    I meant to put “when” after “abide” on 149. Dammit.

  152. andreavis
    October 29th, 2006 at 4:50 pm [Reply]

    You are all wrong about Uncle Phil’s improvised trumpet on FOOB– it’s a souvenir from his days of shooting smack!

    And correct me if I’m wrong, but I think Phil’s bongenemaphonium would only produce one note. I mean, the point of valves on a trumpet is to change the length of the aforementioned tube, right? Oh, THAT’s going to be a great addition to Apwil’s sad band.

  153. treedweller
    October 29th, 2006 at 4:51 pm [Reply]

    Isn’t it lucky for the BC people that they can just write on stones instead of chiselling them like in the real world?

  154. King Folderol
    October 29th, 2006 at 4:52 pm [Reply]

    TDIET – My theory about TDIET is that the Scaduto just makes these people up so that the syndicate doesn’t can his sorry ass. There’s no way people are sending him more than five ideas a year.

    MT – There’s really no need for dialogue here, unless the dog somehow understands what Mark’s saying. I understand English and don’t understand what Mark’s saying most of the time, so maybe Trail should just go the mime route and be done with it.

    JP – I’m hoping this storyline leads to the dank basement where Raju is growing his homegrown human growth hormone…which is the only thing that could possibly explain how he’s seemingly gotten an entire foot taller as this boring storyline has plodded forward.

    FBOFW – This is practically beneath Bill Keane it’s so insipid. The insanely joyous look on April’s face would make you think she’d gotten into Harvard or won the Canadian equivalent of Powerball, not that she just saw her Uncle blowing into a homeade piece of plastic. Is Lynn’s creative cupboard really that bare that it’s come to this? Can’t she concoct a school shooting or a methamphetamine problem to give this sad, sad strip even the faintest pulse?

  155. Number Twelve
    October 29th, 2006 at 5:18 pm [Reply]

    152 –

    Actually, the bongophonium can play several notes, by adjusting lip tension. All those bugle calls — Taps, Reveille, the horse one, the DADADADUMDADUM CHARGE! one — don’t require valves. It’s impossible to discern whether or not “bweeaappaabaapaatwaarboorp” falls within the natural harmonic series of the bongophonium.

    More information on valveless trumpets can be found on the Internet.

  156. condimentalist
    October 29th, 2006 at 5:35 pm [Reply]

    This hose-a-phone mocking has got to stop. I played 2nd chair hose-a-phone in my high school orchestra and I got plenty of respect from the rest of my high school peers! I bet none of you could possibly play Foobenstein’s Fugue for Hose-a-phone in D minor. There’s nothing wrong with playing this musically backwards instrument.

    #88, that should be “A Song in My Heart an’ a Tube in My Ass: Sheilaugh’s Shtory of Shong an’ Shpirit.” Just a minor grammatical correction. Otherwise, I’m placing my pre-order today.

  157. Canuckguy
    October 29th, 2006 at 5:53 pm [Reply]

    Oh, 4Evah and Eva’s public humiliation is going to be delicious.

    This is Foobville, it’ll go over big. (remember, Foobville = opposite land)

    And to Gabe (comment #1), I’ve said it before and I’ve said it again, PLEASE don’t judge all Canadians by what goes on in that non-representative strip. The IQ points do NOT drop about 100 once you cross the border (at least not heading north ;) ) I think the problem is that Johnston’s one of the few Canuck cartoonist to crack the American market in some time, the fact that she’s bad and getting worse shouldn’t mean anything. (Same goes for our singers, don’t judge us solely on Celine Dion. You can judge us on our comedians (Mike Myers, Jim Carrey, John Candy, etc.)

    I’ll close this post with saying to anyone who think Canadian cartoonists are lame to remember that probably the first superstar comic character, Superman, was created by a Canuck (Joe Shuster).

    I just REALLY hope and pray that one of our GOOD cartoonists makes it big south of the border.

  158. Canuckguy
    October 29th, 2006 at 5:55 pm [Reply]

    Oh, and I”m glad that so far no one has made a “hose”r joke yet.

    But, I’m really surprised at y’all that you haven’t TRIED!

  159. Poteet
    October 29th, 2006 at 5:58 pm [Reply]

    Foob — Hahahahahaha, stop, folks, my sides hurt. This strip definitely brings out the best in CC snarkiness. And my Sunday paper has the Monday strip (don’t ask), and all I have to say is, beware — it’s scarier than any horror movie…

  160. Doug Puthoff
    October 29th, 2006 at 6:07 pm [Reply]

    More 11-29:

    Nancy: Does the Three Rocks Child Welfare Agency know about Sluggo’s living conditions? Or are the Republicans in charge in that town. And we never see Sluggo’s primary caregivers. For all we know, they’re working at the same meth lab Niki’s mom Slut Queen is working at in RMMD.

  161. dramashoes
    October 29th, 2006 at 6:15 pm [Reply]

    I for one am thrilled that Uncle Phil is about to give April an enema. And look how excited she is! Maybe next week he’ll give John a catheter. ‘Cause, you know, nothing says “comedy gold” like watching a man with a tube shoved in his penis try to play with his train set.

  162. Tabitha
    October 29th, 2006 at 6:58 pm [Reply]

    Oh how nice, Judge Parker is about not judging people. It’s also about using your smarts to be a jack ass to everyone around you.

  163. Harry Paratestes
    October 29th, 2006 at 6:59 pm [Reply]

    Since the hose appears to be pressed against April’s left breast and groin, I surmise that the vibration of the hose might account for April’s pre-orgasmic expression.

  164. Johnny Q
    October 29th, 2006 at 7:22 pm [Reply]

    157: Canuckguy, another notable Canadian-born cartoonist is Hal Foster, creator of PRINCE VALIANT (one of the only strips Josh has had a good word for). His hometown of Halifax built a Prince Valiant statue in his honor.

    And DOONESBURY’s Garry Trudeau (like Jack Kerouac and Grace Metallious) is descended from French-Canadian immigrants to the US. He’s a distant cousin of Canadian Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau.

  165. Ouish
    October 29th, 2006 at 7:37 pm [Reply]

    It took me a while to notice this, but WTF is Pops wearing in the first panel of TDIET? A golf cap, a black velvet suit, and a black tie with the Blue Oyster Cult symbol in dried blood?

  166. Johnny Q
    October 29th, 2006 at 7:40 pm [Reply]

    Does anyone here follow MANDRAKE THE MAGICIAN? In the latest episode he’s stuck in an elevator and a bad guy threw a sack into the place. What’s inside the sack? IS IT NARDA’S HEAD? (I can dream, can’t I?)

  167. Octal
    October 29th, 2006 at 7:51 pm [Reply]

    You’re all wrong–that TDIET is in fact about senility. In the first panel, the father has simply forgotten that he instructed his son to clean out the garage–the son’s and mother’s expressions indicate dawning horror.

  168. Heckler123
    October 29th, 2006 at 7:54 pm [Reply]

    #153 – “Isn’t it lucky for the BC people that they can just write on stones instead of chiselling them like in the real world?”

    I’m not sure where you live, but we usually just use paper and pencils. But wait – are you chiselling out your comments for this blog? What dedication! (Maybe we should call you Cavedweller.)

  169. Uncle Lumpy
    October 29th, 2006 at 8:28 pm [Reply]

    #166 Johnny Q

    I always liked Mandrake — another great Lee Falk joint from the 1930′s. Lots of parallels with The Phantom – including the outrageous outfit no one seems to notice, and the faithful-for-no-apparent-reason African assistant.

    More information about Mandrake can be found on the King Features site, albeit through their annoying four-weeks-last-month policy of theirs.

    BTW, my best to Hadji. Tell him Raju’s here with us.

  170. Uncle Lumpy
    October 29th, 2006 at 8:35 pm [Reply]

    Whoa – Mandrake/Phantom crossover in progress! Check September 4 through the King link.

  171. dramashoes
    October 29th, 2006 at 8:36 pm [Reply]

    It appears from last week’s Mandrake that someone named Lothar is under attack. I’m sure the dozens of people who follow this classy strip asked themselves the same question I aksed myself: Could this be Lothar, Of The Hill People, of early 90′s SNL fame, in a whacky time-travelling crossover epic?

  172. Uncle Lumpy
    October 29th, 2006 at 8:43 pm [Reply]

    Lothar is Mandrake’s Guran. Narda is his Diana. He lacks pets.

    I hope Mandrake is careful about this crossover business – if he wanders into Mark Trail, that mustache is gonna get him a whuppin’. And just never mind the hat.

  173. AwfulArt
    October 29th, 2006 at 8:46 pm [Reply]

    #166.. Hopefully your correct.. If it’s not Narda’s head, we can hope it’s Diane’s head from “The Phantom”..!! Thats a cross cut over I could dig…!!!

  174. MossMoses
    October 29th, 2006 at 9:05 pm [Reply]

    That new Ella biddy sure is ugly…and nosy! Beedie and the Biddy does have a nice ring to it, though. It reminds me a little of Buck Rogers’ little “beedie-beedie-beedie” robot. Hopefully Tommy the dealer will reappear and give Mary Worth an HVAC contact buzz again. Undoubtedly Tommy is some murder suspect inmate’s biotch and has been singing Steve Perry-like falsetto for him in the joint. Maybe he’s been hardened to the point now where he no longer flags down strangers with drugs in a paper bag. Since the newcomer biddy knows everything about Iris and her son, she must know that Iris has been having kinky fetish sex with Wilbur Weston. This info could prove valuable in her meddling/blackmailing.

  175. Cornwhacker
    October 29th, 2006 at 9:18 pm [Reply]

    When I was a kid, I used to get Mandrake mixed up with Marmaduke. It made Marmaduke a whole lot less repetitive.

  176. Harry Paratestes
    October 29th, 2006 at 9:18 pm [Reply]

    MW: Look closely at Ella in the last panel. She’s doing the ‘I crush your head’ sign to Iris that the late Aldo so loved to flash at Mary. And what’s with that huge scar between her eyebrows? Is that where the killer flying ball from Phantasm hit her and sucked out her life prior to her going to hell?

  177. Harry Paratestes
    October 29th, 2006 at 9:34 pm [Reply]

    #171 dramashoes
    It could be even stranger. Maybe the Lothar mentioned is Lothar de Maizière, the last Prime Minister of East Germany. Political intrigue in the jungle!

  178. mattt
    October 29th, 2006 at 9:45 pm [Reply]

    #150 – When Wally and what’s-her-name got married they honeymooned in Afghanistan to do humanitarian work and ended up adopting an orphan girl, as I recall.

  179. Zephyr_Blue
    October 29th, 2006 at 10:06 pm [Reply]

    “Guys, I’ve got a secret weapon- a beer bong! We’ll get everyone so drunk they won’t realize how bad we really are!”

  180. David A. Roth
    October 30th, 2006 at 12:52 am [Reply]

    To learn more about the Hose-a-phonium, you can visit the home of the beloved, revered and mostly plastic Hosaphone(tm), at Hosaphone(tm) Headquarters:

  181. Craig Shergold
    October 30th, 2006 at 3:18 am [Reply]

    At this point, June should know better than to trust the doubling cube.

    (Backgammon power-of-2 joke)

  182. hogenmogen
    October 30th, 2006 at 10:34 am [Reply]

    Armed Coward: Get back! I’ll shoot!
    Phantom: So what? The gun isn’t even pointed at me.

  183. kingklash
    October 30th, 2006 at 12:15 pm [Reply]

    Unless, of course, Monday’s FBOW has Ellie rushing to exclaim, “What are you doing with my douchebag, Phil??!?!!”

    Don’t call your daughter that, it’s not cool.

  184. bootsybooks
    October 30th, 2006 at 12:21 pm [Reply]

    Josh, I’m so touched! A shout out from the Curmudgeon himself. I tried to get Mr. Books to dress like the Phantom tomorrow for Halloween, but he refuses.

  185. bootsybooks
    October 30th, 2006 at 2:07 pm [Reply]

    Or should I say “Jrosh”?

  186. ouchy
    October 30th, 2006 at 5:13 pm [Reply]

    wait, wait. in TDIET, second panel, are the kid’s arms covered in… bandages? WTF?!

  187. Octal
    October 30th, 2006 at 6:10 pm [Reply]

    186: I think those are supposed to be white sleeves, rumpled. Compare to the first panel, where they look the same(except shorter, of course, since they’re pushed up). I don’t know why they have the pushed-up effect when they seem to reach his hands–maybe his shirt’s too big.

  188. Harold
    October 30th, 2006 at 9:25 pm [Reply]

    Check out the September 5th Mandrake/Phantom crossover!

    “An armed coward always shoots…but the Ghost-Who-Walks drops grenades out of a helicopter!”

  189. Lambnesiac
    November 2nd, 2006 at 12:17 am [Reply]

    “I found A. White’s (TDIET) physical address using my massive brain blob and some interweb voodoo. And if you go to the (made for stalkers) google-earth and type in “152 Haynes
    Townsend, MA 01469″ you will notice that He dosn’t even HAVE a garage!”

    Oh, God.

  190. Omnywrench
    June 1st, 2007 at 11:07 am [Reply]

    I guess Uncle Phil needs his ‘Hose-A-Phonium’ for his long nights of binge drinking to drown the shattered remains of his jazz dreams.

  191. Notebooked
    December 24th, 2010 at 5:03 am [Reply]

    …Oh frick, now the foobs have corrupted Viv Stanshall’s infamous hose-trumpet used at the end of “Urban Spaceman”. Is there nothing sacred?

  192. Roger M. Wilcox
    January 15th, 2014 at 5:26 pm [Reply]

    Since the time this FBOFW comic came out, America’s Got Talent has featured a guy who played musical instruments he’d made out of household items like vacuum cleaners.

    They sounded just about as bad as you’d imagine a vacuum cleaner saxophone would.

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