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Pit o’ despair comics

Judge Parker, 1/24/07

Sometimes I like to imagine what would happen if you came from another planet or something and were given a cursory education in the usual sort of comics, with jokes and whatnot, and then you encountered a gem like today’s Judge Parker. Would you stare in horror at the third panel for hours, trying to figure how “You see, I have cancer … and the doctors are not optimistic!” might qualify as one of these “jokes” or “punchlines” you’ve heard about? Would you connect your Interstellar Space Radio to Central Command on Planet Zyvex and say, “Call off our invasion fleet! These Earth humans … they laugh at suffering and death! They find the painful passing of their old ones a source of amusement! Surely they would throw all thoughts of their own safety aside and fearlessly engage even our most deadly trained Sau’dukar Warriors in bloody combat! For Melkar’s sake, turn those ships around!

It’s not likely, I know, but I’m just saying. Judge Parker may have just saved us all from being forced to dance for the Galactic Emperor Chennux’s amusement until we dropped dead from exhaustion.

Alien invasions aside, the phrase “I’m an old woman and I’m going to die” may be the most depressing ever uttered in a comic strip, and I’m including Funky Winkerbean in that assessment. At least Funky gives you some sort of pun to cut the gloom. In fact, based on that first panel, I’m not convinced that Rachel is still alive at the moment; she looks an awful lot like Norman Bates’ taxidermied mother. Which doesn’t speak well for Abbey’s sanity. Not that anyone with that haircut could truly be called “sane.”

Beetle Bailey, 1/24/07

This Beetle Bailey storyline of barely closeted homosexuality has been winding along like a third-rate Tennessee Williams knockoff for weeks now. First Beetle finally realizes that his attempts at physical intimacy with women are a sham, then starts to subtly acknowledge his abusive relationship with an older man. Today, having finished with his beard, he’s decided to pawn her off on the village idiot.

Miss Buxley, of course, isn’t consulted about her own sex life, because she’s a pretty girl and this is Beetle Bailey, duh.

Luann, 1/24/07

To paraphrase Douglas Adams, the only way this storyline is going to make any sense is if it involves a faulty contraceptive and a time machine.

In case you haven’t been following Luann, our flat-topped adoptee is supposed to be in Iraq. Now, never having been either adopted or in a war, I may not know what I’m talking about, but I think I’d have other things on my mind if I were him.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 1/24/07

What’s it going to take to revive this painfully tedious storyline? A horribly burned, foul-mouthed, halfwit-criminal-dating meth cook? I for one am ready to take that chance.

Archie, 1/24/07

Yeah, so Jughead wants to eat Archie’s eyes. The look of stunned horror on Veronica’s face in panel two is actually pretty much justified.

374 responses to “Pit o’ despair comics”

  1. Poteet
    January 25th, 2007 at 1:29 am [Reply]

    Unfortunately, the gratifyingly-foul-mouthed May has just burst into tears in today’s strip. Much less gratifying.

    Geez, am I first? It’s like being on stage. Um…On the goood ship Lollipop…

  2. Power of 1000 Lemons
    January 25th, 2007 at 1:35 am [Reply]

    I’m more than a little frightened by the lusty, tongue-out Jughead closeup in panel 3, evidently indicative of a desire for donuts so consumptive he’s seeing realistic visions of them popping up in his friends’ faces. It’s like the Archie artist – by which I mean Sketchbot 7000, of course – decided to work in a Requiem for a Dream reference or something. Sketchbot 7000 sees all your human movies for inspiration! Kneel at the altar of Sketchbot!

  3. sterg
    January 25th, 2007 at 1:35 am [Reply]

    Is Jughead turning into the bastard son of Sgt. Snorkel?

  4. Uncle Lumpy
    January 25th, 2007 at 1:36 am [Reply]

    Poteet -

    Put the tap shoes on!

  5. sterg
    January 25th, 2007 at 1:43 am [Reply]

    I think the source of Veronica’s horror is actually the pants Archie is wearing. Are those Skidz? That’s so 1989…

  6. Damnatio memoriae
    January 25th, 2007 at 1:45 am [Reply]

    Eh. If the Sau’dukar did land, we’d just retreat into the desert, wear blue contracts, and enshrine George Bush as Muad’dib.

    Hmmmm….we may be more screwed than I thought.

  7. Weasel Boy
    January 25th, 2007 at 1:48 am [Reply]

    In Archie-Land, big classical literature text : book :: one-cent piece : penny

  8. Mibbitmaker
    January 25th, 2007 at 1:48 am [Reply]

    Above:

    JP: “Too late, she’s dead!”[/Dan Aykroyd as the "X-Police" c. 1977]

    BBailey: What the hell is Beatle looking up at? Sarge going ‘Full Monty’ on the roof?

    Archie: “Injury-to-the-eye motif, coming up!”

  9. J.P. Patches
    January 25th, 2007 at 1:49 am [Reply]

    I don’t know, it’s hard to top Funky Winkerbean for depressing — in the last week, the band director resigned due to hearing loss, the one-armed pregnant woman has made herself hysterical thinking about worst-case scenarios (in her case, maybe that’s not such a bad idea), and Funky and his friend are depressed about getting old and the one guy’s wife’s eternal battle with cancer.

    It’s a regular laff riot — oh yeah!

  10. Darth Paradox
    January 25th, 2007 at 1:49 am [Reply]

    We’re just one tenuous strand of sanity away from Riverdale falling victim to the insatiable, eternal hunger of Jughead the Devourer, aren’t we. I for one welcome our new cannibalistic dorkwad overlord.

  11. Jives
    January 25th, 2007 at 1:50 am [Reply]

    “You see, I have cancer … and my doctors are not optimistic” is many things, but it is not an exclamatory sentence. I can just see the writer, so used to putting exclamation marks on the ends of inane word bubbles, pausing for a moment with the pen hovering above that sentence. There were two choices:
    1. period (“bland, stale, boring,” thinks the writer.
    2. exclamation point (“yes, I’ll give this cancerous death sentence a little pep”)
    And so here we are … marveling at an exsanguinated old woman’s ability to loudly proclaim her impending death to a sensually lipglossed redhead. It’s a good day to read the comics. It’s a good day to die.

  12. Mibbitmaker
    January 25th, 2007 at 1:52 am [Reply]

    #8: Of course, ol’ Danny said it more like this: “Toolate! She’sdet!”

    Just had to make it readable.

  13. Aerin
    January 25th, 2007 at 2:06 am [Reply]

    Oh my God, Jughead looks disturbing. Bad touch! Bad touch!

  14. Bombcar
    January 25th, 2007 at 2:07 am [Reply]

    How come the Archie comic strip is so badly done, while the Archie paperback comics are actually somewhat decent?

  15. MGArchitect
    January 25th, 2007 at 2:07 am [Reply]

    I need to make a point about today’s Mary Worth, Dr. Cory drowning, contagious English speaking Vietnamese, in water, red blazer…but I…..I…….seem. Wait..what? Who?

  16. ribby
    January 25th, 2007 at 2:10 am [Reply]

    Archie: how very Les Enfants Terrible

  17. ribby
    January 25th, 2007 at 2:12 am [Reply]

    TerribleS dammit.

  18. Trilobite
    January 25th, 2007 at 2:13 am [Reply]

    So, who else got Mark Trail Whiplash from the sudden switch from “How to Semi-Tame Local Beaver” to “Fire on Dull Mountain?”

    Prediction: these two unrelated but equally-lame storylines will collide, and in the end the despicable Mr. Morgan will be thankful that the local beavers chewed up his trees, saving him from the forest fire. Then Rusty will say something stupid in a Gee-Whillikers vein, and Mark will down a fifth of Wild Turkey between panels and show up at the end to grin blearily and say something anticlimactic.

    Ten years later, Rusty’s college girlfriend will ask him why he keeps trying to make her wear fake orange buckteeth.

  19. MGArchitect
    January 25th, 2007 at 2:17 am [Reply]

    Regarding the new plot development in Mary Worth, WebMD suggests that possible causes of amnesia include alcohol or drug abuse, herpes, and/or blunt head trauma. I forgot where I was going with this. Oh yeah: Didn’t Aldo suffer from alcohol abuse and blunt head trauma?

  20. Mibbitmaker
    January 25th, 2007 at 2:17 am [Reply]

    1…. aw, just read the date above these words…:

    FW: Selfish, selfish bald woman!![/irony overload. Hell, bathos overload, too!]

    FOOB: Then April says, “Hey, did the Warren thing work out?” Icy, icy silence. With enough cartoon icicles hanging from the panel to seriously puncture the “Tiger” strip underneath.

    (DT)GT: Jeez, way to weigh down the punchline, strip. Just stick to unintentional comedy, okay?

    A3G: Neil sure does overdo the old Hitchcock attitude, don’t he?

    Adam: (The following snark will contain the “at” symbol. This is not, repeat, not a web address (as far as I know), so ignore the instant link status. Thank you, and keep tuning in to this station for the best in classic rock)

    Adam@misandry

  21. albuqwirkymom
    January 25th, 2007 at 2:26 am [Reply]

    Ok…I’m a little slow. Is BERNICE the mom of the flat topped adoptee? Isn’t Bernice Luann’s best friend? Arent they in high school? Or maybe early 20′s at the most?

    Right…time machine and faulty contraceptive is the only thing making sense to me. Can someone clue me in to WHAT is going on here?

  22. Trekkie
    January 25th, 2007 at 2:34 am [Reply]

    #21

    Today’s strip makes it make sense…sort of (though we get more LuAnn self-centeredness for free).

  23. Lynngineering
    January 25th, 2007 at 2:40 am [Reply]

    BB: So Beetle is hanging with Zero again? Miss Buxley or Zero, hm, yeah tough decision there. Miss Buxley has that warm apartment, couch, bod, and even eyes now… Zero has… well, the name seems to imply either zero accuracy or, well yeah. Only, it seems Zero is more self-aware than the rest of the camp. He selflessly eliminated himself from the Miss Buxley competition only because of what he might do to her. What does he have that is so… ominous? The imagination can really kick in on that. As for Miss Buxley, it looks like its up to either the new “Blackface Killer” or the return of “Plato”. Or finally get that transfer going eventually. What ever happened to all the women in BB, other than Mrs. Halftrack. There use to be the woman who worked with Miss Buxley, the “mannish” one to contrast to Miss Buxley’s obvious female-ness, and Sarge’s female-friend who looked like Sarge if he were a transvestite.

    FBOFW: April is SO ready to get out of this house and the Liz “me me me” storyline. Honestly, what idiot who is supposedly a teacher able to educate children, comes back to her parents house, opens the door and screams that self-absorbed, self-deluded statement. Oh yeah, Liz.

    Deanna’s diary:
    Thursday: heard Liz come home because as usual she had to make a diva entrance – she slammed the door and was yelling at the top of her lungs that her “boyfriend” dumped her. God what a tool. And of course she woke up the kids after I finally got them to rest – April and her Mom have been yelling as well all day. This is giving me some heavy headaches, and I don’t LIKE it when I get too many headaches.

    At least I got the one who can make some money. I’m

  24. Mibbitmaker
    January 25th, 2007 at 2:40 am [Reply]

    GF: Newspapers censoring this week’s strips actually support illegal drug use. The proof: The character advocating pot (however unintentionally) is Bucky Katt![/Norm MacDonald-Seth Meyer-style sarcastic emphasis]

    Btw, shouldn’t Bucky be campaigning on catnip use?

    Curtis: Well, Curtis, if you really want to sign up for the war, just check in to either “Luann”, “Doonesbury” or “Funky Winkerbean”.

  25. Mibbitmaker
    January 25th, 2007 at 2:47 am [Reply]

    FOOB: First Ellie screams. Then April screams. Now Liz screams. Has this become an old Norman Lear sitcom? (Nah, Norman Lear sitcoms were actually entertaining)

  26. Alex
    January 25th, 2007 at 2:51 am [Reply]

    This might be the greatest assortment of comic strips I’ve ever seen in a single entry on this site that trample on the very meaning of the word comic. The old woman dying of cancer . . . the adopted Iraq serviceman contacting his birth mother and throwing his newfound sister into an emotional whirl . . . the bipolar woman who pressed a young boy into becoming her own personal servant meeting his neglectful, foul-mouthed, drug-producing, horribly-burnt, Elvis-dating mother . . . Jughead’s barely-suppressed cannibalistic tendencies finally surfacing . . . and “Beetle Bailey,” which doesn’t feature anything particularly outrageous today and yet still qualifies as morbid and depressing by design.

    I’m not opposed in theory to comic strips taking on serious issues, but this is making me want to watch “The Day After” to cheer myself up.

  27. Dingo
    January 25th, 2007 at 3:06 am [Reply]

    I scream, you scream, we all scream ‘cuz Lynn screams!

  28. violet
    January 25th, 2007 at 3:10 am [Reply]

    Zits 1/25: This has got to be the first use of the word “genuflect” in a punchline, ever.

  29. Dingo
    January 25th, 2007 at 3:11 am [Reply]

    Alex, #26: Whene’er I need to cheer myself up, I just add the words “on Ice” to anything, particularly movies. If Disney can do it, why can’t I?

    Coming soon to your local ampitheatre:

    Schindler’s List on Ice!
    The Diary of Anne Frank on Ice!
    Mary Worth on Ice!
    An Inconvenient Truth on Ice!

    See? Now don’t you feel better?

  30. sevenyearlion
    January 25th, 2007 at 3:11 am [Reply]

    Foob has been its own little pit of despair this week. Elly had a curtain based meltdown on Monday. Wednesday found April crying because she’s been forced to live in a storage closet. Now Thursday is Liz falling into her mother’s arms sobbing about how the man she ignored for 6 months left her. My guess for Friday is that John gets a phone call from a model train wholesaler informing him that a certain color boxcar has been discontinued. So, he does the only thing anyone can in that situation, he hangs himself.

  31. AppleGirl
    January 25th, 2007 at 3:19 am [Reply]

    29 – “Mary Worth on Ice,” hehe. Dingo, you always make me laugh!

  32. Robert
    January 25th, 2007 at 3:22 am [Reply]

    It’s not likely, I know, but I’m just saying. Judge Parker may have just saved us all from being forced to dance for the Galactic Emperor Chennux’s amusement until we dropped dead from exhaustion.

    Well, he would have, except that you just spoiled it. The aliens monitor ALL our communications frequencies. Now they know it isn’t true. Way to go, man. Way to go.

  33. Mike
    January 25th, 2007 at 3:51 am [Reply]

    Darth Paradox, I just wanted to let you know that your “Jughead the Devourer” joke made me spit tea on my keyboard.

    As for the actual strip, that has to be the intent….Jughead must be ready to show his true dark nature and go on a cannabilistic rampage in his insatiable hunger for human body parts. The Sketchbot needs to start drawing him with one of those Hannibal Lecter facemasks on.

  34. Randy S
    January 25th, 2007 at 4:02 am [Reply]

    I just made a strange discovery about the One Big Happy comic strip.
    If you go to the Houston Chronical site, you get one strip:
    http://www.chron.com/apps/comics/showComic.mpl?date=2007/1/24&name=One_Big_Happy
    If you go to the “goComics” website you get an entirely different strip:
    http://www.gocomics.com/onebighappy/
    And you go to the comics.com site you get yet another strip:
    http://www.comics.com/creators/onebighappy/index.html

    I checked each site out for the past three weeks and sure enough, every strip is different from the other sites. This brings up a few questions. First of all, what would be the purpose of sending three different sets of strips to three different sites? Is the cartoonist that prolific that he can afford to do this? Thirdly, I haven’t made any all-inclusive survey of sites, but something tells me that there are still other websites out there that carry yet another set of strips.

  35. Allie Cat
    January 25th, 2007 at 5:00 am [Reply]

    Luann – It pisses me off that Bernice’s parents, who are still together, had a child IN COLLEGE and opted to put it up for adoption.

    I would find it believable if Bernice’s mother got pregnant with random guy in college and put the kid up for adoption.

    I would find it believable if her parents were in HIGH SCHOOL and put the kid up for adoption.

    I cannot imagine a couple staying together, her carrying the baby for NINE MONTHS and then, even though they’re in a functional, committed relationship, giving up the baby.

    And because this strip has been going since 1985, but the characters have only started to age ever so slowly, it makes it harder to swallow.

    Let’s assume that in 1985, Bernice was 12 – she’d have been born in 1973. Let’s assume adopted brother Ben is, I don’t know, six years older – making him born in 1967.

    Ok, well – using those dates, I can believe that his parents hadn’t many options about staying pregnant or not back in 1967.

    But, let’s operate under the assumption that it is 2007, and Bernice is 17. Therefore she was born in 1990. Therefore Ben was born in 1984. There were more options available to Bernice’s parents – and OK, we don’t know a lot about their moral convictions, but the adoption scenario seems less plausible.

    Bottom line is – this whole scenario just bugs me.

    I think it exploits the Iraq situation in a way that Doonesbury and even FW don’t.

    And has Ben given a thought to the parents who raised him. Biological parents? No, but they took care of him while his bio parents were doing keg stands on the weekends in college.

    This really just pisses me off.

  36. tekende
    January 25th, 2007 at 5:19 am [Reply]

    I think that Beetle Bailey is missing its middle panel. It would read thusly:

    ZERO: Maybe.
    BEETLE: Would you like to [margo] her [margo][margo] ass and [margo] up the [margo] with her [margo][margo][margo], then turn it around and [margo] her [margo][margo][margo] and finish it off with a satisfying money shot?

    THEN comes Zero’s “Aww, I couldn’t do THAT to her.”

  37. willethompson
    January 25th, 2007 at 5:44 am [Reply]

    (posted this on the last string, but it’s just so much more germain today – apologies to those who saw it earlier…)

    Judge Parker. You sentence me to 30 days, but it feels like 30 years.

    If I were Abbey, I’m thinking “I’m beat, Rachel’s going Hamlet on me, Neddy’s running around Paris with a domestic TEMP! Why am I HERE?”

    cue the piano and Robbie Robertson…

    (sung to the tune of The Band’s ‘The Weight’)

    Flew into Orly, the time was ‘bout half past one
    Miss Anger Management said “Let’s go have some fun!
    I wanna have some espresso, wanna try on a beret.
    Wanna drink vin ordinaire – and smoke a Gaullousie!”

    Had enough of Neddy
    And this damn Paree
    Had enough of Neddy
    And – and – aaaaand the stupid old stupid old Champs ‘lysee!

    Took a ride with ol’ Cedric (he’s evil, you can tell)
    He drove that German taxi cab like a bat straight out of Hell!
    When we got to Aunt Rachel’s, dawn was still an hour away
    He fed me Cheez-Itâ„¢ crackers – but he called them canapé.

    Had enough of Cedric
    And this damn Paree
    Had enough of Cedric
    And – and – aaaaand the stupid old stupid old Champs ‘lysee!

    Aunt Rachel stared at me – she was old as Noah’s dog
    Face wrinkled like Madonna’s sheets, a voice just like a frog!
    “I’m so glad that you could make it, let’s chat, just me and you…
    Abbey, I’ve got the cancer! And halitosis, too!”

    Had enough of Rachel
    And this damn Paree
    Had enough of Rachel
    And – and – aaaaand the stupid old stupid old Champs ‘lysee!

    I’m tired and I’m hungry and I’m about bored to tears
    An hour of vapid dialog will feel like seven years!
    Maybe Cedric kidnaps Neddy – I know I don’t give a rip!
    I’ve filed my resignation – and screw this stupid strip!

    Had enough of Judge Parker
    And this damn Paree
    Had enough of Judge Parker
    And – and – aaaaand the stupid old stupid old Champs ‘lysee!

    Gonna visit other strips, I do believe it’s time
    Gonna go to Toronto and make little Lizard mine!
    Gonna buy a strap-on, gonna have a little fun!
    She’ll forget about Pornstache and his doughy cinnabuns.

    Had enough of this story
    And this damn Paree
    Had enough of this story
    And – and – aaaaand the stupid old stupid old Champs ‘lysee!

  38. KitsuneWarlock
    January 25th, 2007 at 5:47 am [Reply]

    I for one welcome our new eye-eating Archie overlords.

  39. Adah
    January 25th, 2007 at 6:15 am [Reply]

    I continue to be amazed that the artists who draw Mary Worth cannot master simple perspective and human proportions. Karen Moy and Joe Giella would have failed my seventh grade art class. The less said about Dick Tracy the better, I guess.

  40. yellojkt
    January 25th, 2007 at 6:45 am [Reply]

    J.P. Patches is right. You can’t mention depressing comic strips without referencing the ur-text, Funky Winkerbean. This week has been a roundelet of increasing misery and ennui.

  41. Stacia
    January 25th, 2007 at 6:56 am [Reply]

    FOOB: Is Liz lying or delusional? She’s obviously caught up in the obvious hysteria that all the FOOB women are experiencing right now; perhaps we’ll be treated to a “time of the month joke” soon. Still, despite being a weak female with poor logic skills, she’s got to know that “Paul dumped me for another woman” isn’t quite what happened.

  42. Lynngineering
    January 25th, 2007 at 6:57 am [Reply]

    Archie: Archie never manages to finish high school, of course he is having a hard time reading anything, let alone classical lit. This newspaper version of a never-aging Archie is repression at work, a hell-school, where the classics collide with cannibalistic urges – and surely a sign of FOOB-land ahead.

  43. Robert Whitaker Sirignano
    January 25th, 2007 at 7:04 am [Reply]

    .28–You forgot the Tom Lerher song “The Vatican Rag”.

    What’s also sad about Beetle Baily is the moral damage that continuous contact with Sarge has prompted enlisted men like Zero to disregard any positive feelings with dead cold feelings of worthlessness. Probably Zero will leave the service and begin the life of a serial killer, knocking off fat obnoxious old men.

    Yes Jughead looks strange, reading about Hannibal Lector, thinking of food, looking at Archie in such a strange way that actually allows you to see his eyes…

  44. Pinback65
    January 25th, 2007 at 7:09 am [Reply]

    The first panel of today’s 3-G raises so many questions. Why does Tommie have a head growing, Manster-like, from her shoulder? Why is LBJ wandering around backstage? When did Gina enter her mid-fifties? And who is Gary, and what is this problem he’s fixing?

  45. smacky
    January 25th, 2007 at 7:10 am [Reply]

    Josh you spoke too soon. Today’s FW: Wow… A new baby… A new job… A husband fighting in Iraq… And all I can think about is my cancer.

    I think Funky takes today’s most depressing award, even with the old lady’s reveal today that it’s BRAIN cancer.

  46. Underclassed
    January 25th, 2007 at 7:15 am [Reply]

    Rachel from Judge Parker is essentially Sam Waterson in drag. I’m sort of hoping she offers to sell robot insurance to Abbey. After all, robots ARE everywhere, and they eat old peoples’ medicine as fuel.

  47. smacky
    January 25th, 2007 at 7:18 am [Reply]

    All right, what is Gil Thorp trying to do? Everyone dresses like it’s 1975, but the guy says “come see the Playstation 3,” but then another high school boy (looks like a cameo from “Boner” from Growing Pains) calls someone a marionette, and then another high school boy with the SUPERMAN SPIT CURL has to get a definition from his girlfriend. All that plus another teen girl demanding to be “taken to the bucket”…

    Seriously, in what universe does this strip take place?

  48. willethompson
    January 25th, 2007 at 7:23 am [Reply]

    RMMD – maybe we could solve the #$!% controversy by having May say “And who the margo are you?”

    JP – Rachel is an odd cross between Norman Bates’s mother and Raju.

    Archie – Perhaps Jughead’s odd eye-ball devouring tendencies are generated by the brain slug on his head. And you thought that was a hat?

    MW – is that nurse in today’s first panel A MUPPET?

    FOOB – Uh… ummm… er…. oh, what’s the maroing point?

  49. benro
    January 25th, 2007 at 7:26 am [Reply]

    Today’s Funky Winkerbean appears to be a direct response to Josh’s comment.

  50. Pozzo
    January 25th, 2007 at 7:39 am [Reply]

    “You’ll never guess who I just met?” The suspense is killing me. A man with seven wives? Aaron Hill’s “significant other”? Aldo Kelrast?

    Seriously, wouldn’t it be freakin’ awesome if it was someone who had nothing to do with the current storyline and took the strip off in a completely different direction, so that we never saw Corporal Adoptee again?

    Justin Timberlake? Harry Lime? Come on, Bernice, don’t make me bitch-slap you…

  51. Jeff
    January 25th, 2007 at 8:09 am [Reply]

    Bwahahaha!

    Wonderfoobs!

    Lordy, I wish I could take credit for this!

  52. teenchy
    January 25th, 2007 at 8:10 am [Reply]

    #35: I believe it was mentioned in the forums (by Buzz Dixon?) that the Luann story are is based on artists Evans’ actual life – that he and his wife gave up a child for adoption.

    In todays (25 January) strip we learn that Bernice’s brother is…Sergeant York. How long before a Walter Brennan cameo? Will Mrs. Horner in drag suffice?

  53. Squawk
    January 25th, 2007 at 8:12 am [Reply]

    Um…why is Archie wearing fishnet stockings in the first panel?

    That’s far more disturbing than any homoeroticism in Beetle Bailey.

  54. scan
    January 25th, 2007 at 8:13 am [Reply]

    First panel, Luann. “You got Leave Comin’ ” Who’s playing that soldier, Tor Johnson? http://www.amazon.com/Time-for-go-to-bed-A-Tor-Johnson-retrospective/lm/3OHKMRNQSJGVZ

  55. scan
    January 25th, 2007 at 8:15 am [Reply]

    First panel, Luann.

    “You got leave comin’ ” Who’s playing that soldier, Tor Johnson?

  56. Pozzo
    January 25th, 2007 at 8:15 am [Reply]

    Alternate third panel for “Archie”: “Because this book was written by Carson McCrullers.”

    *
    *
    *
    *

    “This thing on?” (thump, thump)

  57. Jeff
    January 25th, 2007 at 8:17 am [Reply]

    Now I know I am waaaay too into the Foobiverse.

    Has anyone actually read any of the self-aggrandizing letters from the characters over at FBOFW.com?

    Check out this horse pucky from Liz:

    I need to go – I have to call Paul and make some more travel arrangements. I can’t wait to see him. We have a lot to talk about – especially his transfer which he says has come through! I know he’ll have some adjusting to do. City life won’t come easy. Even though he’s lived down here (police college, courses etc.) it’s not the same as “making the move”. We haven’t talked about marriage yet. We have talked about our futures! I think my parents are totally accepting and will get along with his family really well. Paul’s mom and dad are exceptional people – very involved with their community. They’re good to me and I think they’d be wonderful in-laws…when and if. But – I’m not going into wedding mode. Some of my friends totally focused on gowns and gala events, maybe more than they focused on the seriousness of the ceremony. When I say “yes”, it’ll be because I know it’s going to be a working, long-term partnership. The ceremony is secondary. Security and commitment come first!

    So much for not getting ahead of myself! Happy new year, everyone. I hope you fulfill some of your dreams! Until next month.

    Excuse me, but WTF? If any of this had actually been depicted on-panel, I might have some sympathy for Liz; it wasn’t and I don’t. All this makes me think is that Liz is an even more delusional and pathetic cock-tease than before.

    WTF?!

  58. AhClem
    January 25th, 2007 at 8:18 am [Reply]

    #47 smacky –
    …another high school boy with the SUPERMAN SPIT CURL has to get a definition from his girlfriend…

    Is that what the kids are calling it these days?

    #37 willethompson –
    Awesome. Simply awesome.

  59. Calico
    January 25th, 2007 at 8:18 am [Reply]

    #44 – A3G – Gary has to fly in from MintJulep, where he’ll beat Gary (!) Dent soundly over the head with a microphone. Or maybe “Dancing” Gary Dent, The-Now-Director-From-Hell is senile and is asking for himself.
    Funny how these characters can astrally travel from strip to strip…they must get confused sometimes about their own identities.
    MW -sounds like Dick Tracy turned the Froid-Machine on Jeff. Perhaps he’s really a Russian spy, not a Doctor.
    MT – Mark better work on saving what he can of that apparently very potent mj crop before it goes up in a giant plume in the ensuing firestorm (refer to Tuesday’s panel 3). Has Rusty been playing with Cherry’s kitchen matches again?

  60. Dean Booth
    January 25th, 2007 at 8:22 am [Reply]

    JP: Maybe the doctors are not optimistic because they think she isn’t going to die.

  61. kilgore trout
    January 25th, 2007 at 8:22 am [Reply]

    Today Curtis insults Barry by calling him a “gnome”, complete with gratuitous use of double quotes. Has this word ever been used as an insult by a 10 year old of any race, creed or color? More likely Curtis would use mothermargoer, margohead or margohole.

    In a nice touch, however, Barry is seen scurrying for cover into a hole in the base of a tree, which might indicate that he actually is a gnome, or possibly a troll.

  62. LynnyM
    January 25th, 2007 at 8:23 am [Reply]

    Thanks for the Dune reference, Josh.

    I’m not kidding, you just made my whole entire day.

  63. TurtleBoy
    January 25th, 2007 at 8:27 am [Reply]

    It’s here, folks: with an “up yours, Wilson ‘n’ Barreto!” Batiuk has ushered in the much-awaited 2007 Comics Cancer Cavalcade. During the next month, Funky Winkerbean and Judge Parker will daily go head-to-head in an all-out, no-holds-barred, bitch-slappin’, eye-eatin’ schadenfest to determine once and for all which is history’s single most depressing comic strip ever.

    Look forward to Les’s confession: “I’m incapable of true love.”

    To Becky’s loss: “Damn you, SIDS!!! Damn you to hell!!!!!!”

    To Rachel’s revelation: “Abbey…I…am your father…”

    To Neddy’s horrific discovery: “I…I…I…I’m overdrawn?”

    Constant soul-crushing misery is the order of the day. Bonus points go to the strip with most frequent use of the word “cancer.” Deaths count double, triple if they follow crippling, disfiguring diseases.

    Buckle up, folks, it’s gonna be good.

  64. Archivalist
    January 25th, 2007 at 8:27 am [Reply]

    Today’s MT…

    Judging by the amount of ash-covered detritus you’re standing in front of Mark, I’d say Loser Forest is indeed very dry.

    And everyone knows lightning and beavers don’t mix.

  65. smacky
    January 25th, 2007 at 8:28 am [Reply]

    JP: Damn, I can’t believe it took me this long to see it: June the nurse, May the methlab whore. If they became partners and solved mysteries, how cool would that be? “May and June” coming this summer to FOX. June could go undercover at all the high-class events, and May could slum in the gutter. They’d have all their bases covered!

  66. TurtleBoy
    January 25th, 2007 at 8:31 am [Reply]

    MT: There’s humus among us!

    MW: Just how [margo]ing long are Moy and Giella gonna beat the crap outta this useless storyline? Ooo! Ooooo! Maybe Dr. Cory’s got the cancer, too!

  67. willethompson
    January 25th, 2007 at 8:33 am [Reply]

    I couldn’t agree with TurtleBoy more. And what kills me is the slow progression of it…it grows like a… like a… dammit, what IS that word?

    Anyway, the unfolding story of JP:

    TUES: I’m going to die.

    WED: I’m going to die of cancer.

    THURS: I’m going to die of brain cancer despite experimental treatments.

    TOMORROW: I’m going to die of a very rare brain cancer in which the classic presentation is a type of Tourette’s syndrome where I burp showtunes for a one-woman play I’m writing called ‘The Sphincter Soliloquies’ whenever I smell bacon frying, and despite experimental treatments that involve thrice-daily colonic irrigations of melted butter, Southern Comfort and some mulling spices (they’re just a palliative measure but they make my farts smell like potpourri), it’s not the tumor that will kill me, it’ll be the reviews.

    #56 Pozzo – BWAHAHAHAHA! McCrullers…whooo.

    And before you do ANYTHING ELSE, go immediately back to #51 and click on the link.

  68. Calico
    January 25th, 2007 at 8:35 am [Reply]

    #65 – May and June, starting in July. Good one.

  69. Coffeeclash
    January 25th, 2007 at 8:37 am [Reply]

    #48 wille – What’s the point in FOOB? I guess the point is that things “just happen.” No, wait – somebody already called bullshit on that idea.

  70. Michael
    January 25th, 2007 at 8:41 am [Reply]

    DtM: Strips like today’s make me glad that Dennis, for all the grief he gets here, has not altogether forgotten his menacing roots. Being a brat to Mr Wilson is not a menace, it’s a nuisance; his childish misbehavior toward Mom would barely get him tagged ADHD.

    But today’s, with Dennis’s narrowed eyes and a “joke” awash in violent subtext, makes it all worthwhile. Imagine Dennis, cradling the preschool catamite, his knuckles sore from the smacks across Joey’s face, giving that line a Tony Soprano delivery.

    That is a threat. That is a menace.

  71. Fargus
    January 25th, 2007 at 8:43 am [Reply]

    James Dobson of Focus on the Family has issued this statement about yesterday’s Beetle Bailey:

    “Christians have made arguments on both sides of this question. I certainly believe that God is displeased with Zero for his lack of pride and arrogance. However, rather than trying to forge a direct cause-and-effect relationship between the terrorist attacks and Zero’s stealth homosexuality, which I think is wrong, we need to accept the truth that this nation will suffer in many ways for departing from the principles of righteous comic strips. ‘The wages of sin is death,’ as it says in Romans 6, both for characters and for entire story arcs.”

  72. True Fable
    January 25th, 2007 at 8:51 am [Reply]

    #10 Darth Paradox – a COTW contender if ever I saw one. Just the phrase our new cannibalistic dorkwad overlord is forever etched in marble at the Hall of Snarkdom.

    Nobody would suspect Jughead Jones as such an evil vat of doom. Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition, either.

    JP Meanwhile, the part of Aunt Rachel is being played by Senator John Warner.

    MW 1/25/07: The helpful sign in panel 2 indicates the key pointing finger of today’s strip. We would like to thank the Gary Dent Foundation for supplying us with the signs, and hope he will send along the promised disco dance step patterns as promised.

    RMMD to which June replies, “no, no,no… I’m the one ruining your life by leaving your son out in plain sight so drug dealers can kill him at leisure. By the way, can you paint?”

  73. True Fable
    January 25th, 2007 at 8:56 am [Reply]

    A3G Continuing our guest star roles is Randolph Mantooth from his Emergency! era. And sadly, he could not prevent the strip from flatlining.

    MT Lightning is no match for the mystical all-weather Jackrod Ball.

    DtM It appears that Dennis has finally succeeded in putting out both of Joey’s eyes. Well played, young menace; well played indeed.

    BB I think this whole comic strip is awash in gender confusion. case in point: 1/25/07 strip: Is Julius a male or female? If female, she is not exactly the most decorative painting on the wall. If male, his sister must be Mrs. Halftrack. Look at all those blond curls; Sarge must swoon every time this kid goes to the showers without his soap-on-a-rope.
    Now given that we have had, as Josh pointed out, many indications of this phenomenon whereas Beetle falls asleep rather than boink Miss Buxley, and Sarge sings showtunes with jazz hands, and Beetle pawns off his hot chick to Zero of all people, to Beetle acknowledging that he sees something in Sarge. Now we have Julius to remind us that the Walkers are confounded about sex. Oh, speaking of confusion –
    H&L Funny, Lois said the exact same things to Hi last night. And darned if the kid doesn’t sound like Hi!

  74. True Fable
    January 25th, 2007 at 8:59 am [Reply]

    Rounding out my Trifecta of Snarkoleum:

    FBoFW Patterson women have no breasts and are addicted to hair pulled back into a ponytail that eventually wraps itself into a bun before it dies. Tomorrow’s strip: Liz shows Elly and April her teeth.

    (DT)GT Man, dig the groovy shirt in the first panel that kid stole from Greg Brady. Meanwhile: Brynna, the Emasculating Wonder, lashes out at males because Rubin & McLaughlin make her look like a man.

    FC Billy’s subtle way of warning PJ that his feet will be chopped off during the night and no one will come to save him, no one! Certainly NOT ME!

    C(MD) Cathy is fat. Cathy has no willpower. Cathy Must Die.

    GA Is Gasoline Alley warning people what FBoBW might be like after September? Because while I don’t look forward to endless Foobville walks down memory lane, this Gasoline Alley retrospect ain’t half bad. Given, that could mean it’s All bad, but it doesn’t this time.

    Blondie Four Die In Needless Turnaround Accident (AP) For reasons yet unknown to police, four carpoolers died when the car abruptly spun around, hit a patch of black ice, and ran into a grove of trees. No punchlines were found in the wreckage.

  75. JEdens
    January 25th, 2007 at 8:59 am [Reply]

    FW 1-25

    Les’s expression in the third panel suggests to me that he is getting pretty goddam tired of his wife’s constant whining about her freakin’ cancer.

    Hey Les, welcome to the rest of us!

  76. Michael
    January 25th, 2007 at 9:05 am [Reply]

    Wizard of Id: Ew. And that’s not just the everyday nausea normally caused by the Wiz.

  77. Artist formerly known as Ben
    January 25th, 2007 at 9:06 am [Reply]

    “Buxley, Babe, you know I love ya. You know I’d do anything for ya. But marriage? That would tie us both down, and I just care too much to do that to you.”

    Zero just might be slicker than he lets on, is what I’m saying. She’s probably out of his league anyway, but in the right circumstances…

  78. True Fable
    January 25th, 2007 at 9:06 am [Reply]

    Thanks for reminding me, JEdens, that I left out mention of FW ‘s Young Grasshopper in the first panel.
    “When you can snatch defeat from the jaws of victory, Young Grasshopper, then you will be one of the Enlightened Truly Depressed.”

  79. Krazy Kat
    January 25th, 2007 at 9:08 am [Reply]

    Funky Winkerbean–Woo Hoo, finally, this comic is funny again. Man I almost soiled myself when I read that third panel! There is nothing so funny as interminable war and terminal cancer all bundled up in the same line.
    Thanks for the laugh Tom Batiuk. You are a funny man.

  80. FleaBailey
    January 25th, 2007 at 9:13 am [Reply]

    I note in today’s A3G that Tommie is, once again, wearing the drab, yet clashing, Kermit-green turtleneck with the baby blue rain coat. No wonder she’s dull and lonely–girl can’t dress worth s#*t.

  81. Artist formerly known as Ben
    January 25th, 2007 at 9:17 am [Reply]

    (DT)GT: And so begins the mating ritual of the female Romulan and the male imbecile.

  82. Chupper
    January 25th, 2007 at 9:21 am [Reply]

    Is it just me, or did Archie somehow verbally italicize the “ass” in “assignment”?

  83. Dennis Jimenez
    January 25th, 2007 at 9:23 am [Reply]

    JP – I kind of hear panel three scored with Barry White’s Let’s Get It On, along with Abbey’s look of concern.

  84. Big Stu
    January 25th, 2007 at 9:26 am [Reply]

    I have a confession to make. For the first time in a long time, I like today’s edition of FOOB. For once, Lizard’s tedious romantic turmoil is played for laughs. Hopefully, this bodes well for the upcoming pairing with the Bland One. Rather than presenting it in the usual saccharine FOOB style, maybe we’ll get some more of Apes cracking wise. Perhaps a scathing comment about Granthony’s moustache and where it’s headed. Or something like that. One can only hope.

    Mark Trail – Where did the beaver storyline go? The continental drift-paced plot was so soothing. Or maybe the beavers will save Lost Forest from a wildfire with serendipitous damming. And then the storyline could finally end with a FOOBesque pun-chline, “That would be damming!”

  85. Glarryg
    January 25th, 2007 at 9:29 am [Reply]

    I want to know what that drop of liquid is that’s coming out of Jughead in the third panel. It’s trajectory is too high to make it saliva, or anything from his nose. That means he’s either crying (from hunger or the thought of mutilating his buddie Archie) or leaking some kind of fluid from his ear.

  86. benro
    January 25th, 2007 at 9:36 am [Reply]

    #83 – Didn’t Marvin Gaye sing Let’s Get it On?

  87. Saxman
    January 25th, 2007 at 9:39 am [Reply]

    Aliens reading comics (An alternate scenario)

    There’s a whole series of parallel universe novels predicated on a race of interstellar conquoring aliens who send a probe to earth back in the 1000s, see some dude wearing chain mail riding a horse, and start planning the invasion. They are very very verrrrrry organized, and it takes about a thousand years to make plans, build landing ships, nukes, tanks, etc. etc. By the time they get there, it is the middle of WW2 and they end up getting their scaly butts kicked by the nazi, Japanese, and Roosevelt.

    So what if an invading alien race carefly examined the comics and concluded that the Earth’;s best defense was the military state of the art as described in Beetle Baily? Sure, they might be worried a little about Spider Man and the Phantom, but a preemptive strike of her-seeking nanobots would take care of them.

    Imagine their surprise when they land and have to confront (not Camp Swampy) but the military might of the U.S. Armed Services, lead by our cammander in Chief President Bush. What a bunigaroo(1) that would be!

    How would they possibly cop?Oops. never mind.

    (1) bunigaroo, Middle Neanderthal, n, literally crushed bird’s nest

  88. Saxman
    January 25th, 2007 at 9:40 am [Reply]

    84: MT

    Oh no! The forrest are too dry. The worst thing that could happen is some RAIN!

  89. Donald The Anarchist
    January 25th, 2007 at 9:48 am [Reply]

    Archie: You think Jughead’s bad NOW, just wait ’til someone tells him eyeballs are filled w/ vitreous jelly!!

    “PTOOIII! This doesn’t taste anything like rasberry! And yet I must have more…”

  90. Hap Hapless
    January 25th, 2007 at 9:49 am [Reply]

    That episode of All in the family when Edith got raped was a real bomb. Not funny at all.

    And what website allows you to look up your biological parents? The Google ? Wouldn’t you have to know your “real” last name?

  91. Loppie Scaduto
    January 25th, 2007 at 9:50 am [Reply]

    Today’s [Jan 25] Beetle Bailey made me laugh. I mean, it was a solid, standard, “set it up and let ‘er rip” classic gag. Nice craftsmanship. It worked.

    Ya don’t see that every day. (Except maybe in Out There…)

    As for Julius, it was established many yonks ago that Julius is indeed a guy, but rather “dubious” in some ways: he’s very fussy about dirt and mess, if the shower is too cold he’ll shriek like a little girl, and whatnot.

  92. Dennis Jimenez
    January 25th, 2007 at 9:51 am [Reply]

    Come on Elrod – don’t ya believe in natural forest management? How are you gonna get rid of all that dry humus without a good old fashioned conflegration. Plus, doesn’t your comic-colleague Hart say it means Jesus is coming?

  93. cheech wizard
    January 25th, 2007 at 9:51 am [Reply]

    Archie – As the learned Craigers has so adroitly enlightened us, Archie is a vehicle for Moldovian religious imagery, with Archie as Christ figure and Jughead embodying the Moldovian Church. So this strip is obviously a call to Holy Communion. Veronica, representing Satan, reacts fearfully to the power of the sacrament.

  94. Loppie Scaduto
    January 25th, 2007 at 9:52 am [Reply]

    Ew.

    Today, Scaduto is talking golf.

    Ew, ew, ew.

  95. David V. Matthews
    January 25th, 2007 at 9:54 am [Reply]

    #90: Edith was ALMOST raped in that episode.

    When the rapist asked why she smelled so good, she replied “Lemon Pledge!” Hahahahahaha! Some product placement, huh?

    Really, does anyone still like All in the Family? Do the nonstop loud arguments, the antiseptic squalor, the Bebe Rebozo jokes still have any appeal?

  96. Hogen Mogen
    January 25th, 2007 at 10:01 am [Reply]

    http://www.chron.com/apps/comics/buildcp.mpl?v=3.0&page=1&quality=high&cpp=8&c=112&c=71&c=20&c=116&c=118&c=144&c=123&c=130&c=140

    FW: Mentions cancer.
    JP: Mentions cancer THREE times in as many frames. Way to go, JP!

    TDIET: Thanks for pointing out that the round thing in the referenced sand trap is the aforementioned golf ball in question.

    Spidey: “Spiderman must die!” I like this guy already.

  97. Calico
    January 25th, 2007 at 10:03 am [Reply]

    FOOB – So who will be the next to enter the overcrowded dungeon of emotion and spew tears and boogers everywhere? Iris? Becky? Shannon? Connie? Eva? Shannon’s “Special Assistant”, who just can’t take her sloth-like pace of speech any more? Cortney? (What happened to Cortney anyway? I thought she was going to send legal hellfire and brimstone down on the Bookstore-guess that plot got dropped, too-unless this is just another example of the Canadian Legal System moving slower than a Mary Worth storyline.)
    And why the hell doesn’t Liz have any girlfriends? Did she drive them all away too? Even the cat is ready to pack it up and live on the dock at Mtigwonky again, eating old fish heads.

  98. gh
    January 25th, 2007 at 10:07 am [Reply]

    #23 Lynngineering

    More “Deanna’s Diary”! More, I say! Right up to the point where she writes Well, gotta run. Kids to suffocate. People to dismember.

    williethompson (yesterday & today)

    I guess you either blew off the deadline or gave up your day job to become a full-time songsmith.
    That was delectable! “wrinkled like Madonna’s sheets” plays perfectly. Definitely worth the weight.

    #74 True Fable

    Hey! Knock it off with the cracks about the shirt in (DT)GT. It’s the only one he owns, plus it’s about the only thing I actually recognize: Yeah, there’s that . . . shirt kid again. Then it all whirls away once more in a meaningless blur.

  99. Hogen Mogen
    January 25th, 2007 at 10:10 am [Reply]

    Foob: I actually am getting in to the scream-a-day plotline. I suggested Dee as the next screamer, but Liz came in.

    #23 – Lynngeneering – I’d prefer Liz’s statement of the facts vs. what most women that I’ve heard in her condition rant. Diva entrance, then “Men SUCK.” And, of course none of the other women pay attention to me when I say I’m a bit offended at that. So, “My boyfriend cheated on me, Me ME!” is the better option.

    So, I’m betting Dee screams tomorrow, followed by some emasculated man, like Mike the Woos Patterson. I bet he screams in a high pitched nasally sounding whine reminiscient of a little girl.

  100. Artist formerly known as Ben
    January 25th, 2007 at 10:10 am [Reply]

    Nominate #36 for COtW. Oh yeah!

  101. Hogen Mogen
    January 25th, 2007 at 10:14 am [Reply]

    #23 – Lynngineering – you gonna finish that last sentence, or what?

  102. Comic Critic Steve
    January 25th, 2007 at 10:18 am [Reply]

    I think Greg Evans is writing about personal experiences in Luann.

    See here: http://www.emediawire.com/releases/2004/10/emw169571.htm

  103. Krazy Kat
    January 25th, 2007 at 10:18 am [Reply]

    FOOB-Liz may be in “the dungeon” but at least she’s free and not “behind the fence” forced to toil in the miniature village Granthony has created in his “basement”

    /note the professional comic artist use of quotation marks.

  104. Other Emily
    January 25th, 2007 at 10:24 am [Reply]

    I’m sure someone else will have said this by now, but the thing about the solider in Luann? If it’s anything like my brother-in-law’s two tours there, no. No, he doesn’t have much else on his mind, because they are bored beyond belief. You should see some of the pics my BIL brought home, just the guys messing around because they would have patrol for a day or two and then nothing for a week. No wonder we’re still stuck there.

  105. Hogen Mogen
    January 25th, 2007 at 10:26 am [Reply]

    As much as I hate Mallard, I give him credit for hiding the faces of the Chinese people he’s supposed to be drawing but can’t. That is in contrast to another certain artist, who sent the titular character to an Asian nation without the slightest concept of how persons of Oriental origin are to be represented, but continues to insult on a daily basis the visual appearance of 60 million people.

    Just wait til some hotheaded Vietnamese Communist party member gets a hold of them. It’ll make the riots over those Danish cartoons look like a picnic.

  106. Calico
    January 25th, 2007 at 10:26 am [Reply]

    And Apwil thinks “Yeah, Water Works…too damn bad Liz didn’t finally get her plumbing flushed up North.” What a hellpit!

  107. man behind the curtain
    January 25th, 2007 at 10:29 am [Reply]

    LuAnn — I thought all along that the soldier would turn out to be Bernice’s kid; that she’s really a 40-something crack whore who has returned to high school a la “Strangers With Candy”. And now that Sgt. York has returned home from the trenches in France where’s he’s been fighting the Huns for the last 90 yars, maybe he can get assigned to Camp Swampy after sweeping LuAnn off of her feet and then dumping her for the school slut.

  108. Erik
    January 25th, 2007 at 10:32 am [Reply]

    Not that I’d ever want to actually defend a Luann comic, but I suppose if you’re a soldier and facing the very real possiblity of dying any given day (though one’s chances of dying as an American in this war are relatively low) and have an opportunity to speak with your true parents, you’d want to take advantage of the opportunity when you can.

    I’ve an image in my head of the ending of Jeepers Creepers. We descend through a dark dank cave, hearing the horrific screams of a teen as some unspeakable act of pain is inflicted upon him. We swing around to Archie’s face, the eyeballs consumed so fully that two bloody holes are bored clean through his skull, his face frozen in soundless cry of abject terror. Then the wicked eye of Jughead peers through one of the carven orifices at the audience. Fade out.

  109. Howard Erk
    January 25th, 2007 at 10:38 am [Reply]

    Man, too many people read too much into the funnies these days.

  110. reader-who-posts
    January 25th, 2007 at 10:39 am [Reply]

    MW: Dr. Cory has the worst case of exhaustion of all time. Not only is he in intensive care (more leaches!) but his exhaustion is contagious and he’s blind! On a side note, I assume that all vietnamese people are supposed to have an excessive amount of rouge on? On another side note, it appears in panel one that vietnamese calendars have 8 days a week. I suggest calling the eighth day “Kelrastday”.

    Lockhorns: Now Mr. Lockhorn is forced to make his soul-sucking complaints to strangers on the train. Who apparently know his wife by name.

    FW: I hope Lisa ends every conversation this way.

    “Honey, I’m going to the store to get some milk.”

    “And all I can think about is my cancer.”

    “Lisa, I’m afraid Funky fell off the wagon after finding out that his cousin Wally was killed in Iraq on the same day that Becky was raped by the creepy comic store owner downstairs. Oh and Crankshaft ran over Harry Dinkle – it seems Harry didn’t hear the bus coming.”

    “And all I can think about is my cancer.”

    RMMD: This woman was in the middle of a meth lab explosion, and she only suffered burns on her forearm and the top of her head? Christ, just tell her to put some butter on it and get the hell out of the hospital – it’s not like she has insurance!

  111. Saxman
    January 25th, 2007 at 10:42 am [Reply]

    FOOB

    What am I missing about living arrangements in Canada? Why haven’t Micael and his crew just moved into some souless cluster of yuppie apartments? (And why hasn’t Liz for that matter?)

    This is happening in more or less real time, right?

    So they’d had almost a month.

  112. jules
    January 25th, 2007 at 10:42 am [Reply]

    May I assume that the Archie comic strip exists in a completely different universe than the Archie comic books that I enjoyed very much during my formative years? I mean, I really loved Archie Comics. They were fun, and hilarious in a corny sort of way. (And I was ten. That helped.)

    But this is wrong on so many levels. Jughead apparently has become some kind of horrid cannibal creature, lusting after the eyeballs of his “friends.” I do recall that Jughead would eat whatever wasn’t nailed down, but he drew the line at friends’ body parts, for God’s sake.

    Oh, and also? The strip in general is neither fun nor hilarious. Just sayin.

  113. Calico
    January 25th, 2007 at 10:44 am [Reply]

    Elly January letter, with a few fill-in-for-fun changes:

    In other (“news”), Beatrice is off on a week’s vacation from Lilliput’s (due to a mental breakdown), so I’ve been (bugging) Moira again. It seems I’m there (in the way) for a few days every month, which I love because I still get to keep abreast of all the new (local gossip) being released. It’s hard to find the time (to meddle 24 hours a day), but I love to (snoop) (it calms me knowing others have it worse than we do) (and keeps me away from John’s liquor cabinet).

  114. Just Plain Bob
    January 25th, 2007 at 10:46 am [Reply]

    # 36 and so much like a Hemingway story if you exchanged Margo with obscenity

  115. cheech wizard
    January 25th, 2007 at 10:48 am [Reply]

    Lisa – “All I can think about is my cancer.”

    Les – “That’s nice. It’s good to have something to take your mind off your impending demise.”

  116. gh
    January 25th, 2007 at 10:49 am [Reply]

    I know it’s early in the day, but what the hell.

    June Gets in Your Face

    Hey, who the #$!%â„¢ are you?
    Whachoo tryin’ to do?
    Oh, June of course replied
    Niki’s right outside, I gave him a ride.

    May said Eightball’s real mad
    Wants her son dead bad
    Oh, when your lab’s on fire
    If you haven’t croaked
    Your eyes get you smoked.

    So June ponders and May truly wants
    To think they could get away
    Yet the cop still stands outside the door
    No, there is just no way

    Now Elvis lurks outside
    Run, you cannot hide
    Oh, so I smile and say
    When your lab blows sky high
    Smoke gets in your eyes
    Smoke gets in your eyes

    (original by The Platters)

  117. rich
    January 25th, 2007 at 10:50 am [Reply]

    30: Good one, sevenyearlion.

    FW: Not sure how we’re supposed to interpret this one. “Oh really, Becky has a new job, and blah blah blah? Well guess what … all I can think about is my cancer.”

    In other words, “Shut the f*** up, Les, and just talk about ME, ME, ME!!!”

    Really, can’t she be doing something more productive with her time, making an inspirational videotape for their daughter, entering a Michael Rosenbaum lookalike contest, something?

  118. jules
    January 25th, 2007 at 10:50 am [Reply]

    I just read Mark Trail (I have to read it online so my local paper can make room for “BC”), and perhaps this has already been said but it bears repeating:

    OHMYGOD there’s going to be a forest fire and Theodore and Castoria have just been encased in chickenwire by Dork Trail and they won’t be able to escape except that Theodore has proven himself time and again to be like Beaver Houdini or something so maybe there’s hope and does ANYONE know where Molly is?!?!!

    Thank you.

  119. Nemryn
    January 25th, 2007 at 10:51 am [Reply]

    #36- The Aristocrats!

  120. cheech wizard
    January 25th, 2007 at 10:59 am [Reply]

    Speaking of cancer, where are Rachel’s scars from surgery or whispy tuffs of falling-out hair from the gamma knife or chemo? She doesn’t look like any GBM-IV patient I’ve ever seen. Unless the Parisian doctors have her on some kinda continental New Age therapy involving Yoplait and Polly Fuisse.

    And what’s this crap about “brain cancer”? Doctors and patients invariably refer to these things as brain tumors – that’s the terminology they use. No one calls it brain cancer unless they’re a hack cartoonist trying to write about something they vaguely remember from a Reader’s Digest article 15 years ago.

  121. Basil Wrathbone
    January 25th, 2007 at 11:03 am [Reply]

    I’m in love with Archie’s quote “big classical literature text.” A more unlikely phrase has never been uttered by the common American teenager.

    I’m going to start talking like the characters in Archie in my everyday life. Excuse me now so I can pilot my internal-combustion powered conveyence to my monetarily remunerated activy located at the locus of the immense, vertical, people-storage devices.

  122. MossMoses
    January 25th, 2007 at 11:16 am [Reply]

    I asked my Vietnamese colleague if he thought the hospital in Mary Worth reminded him of Vietnam. He said:

    “It looks like somewhere in California. I doubt about Mary Worth went to Viet Nam. She maybe in place call little Saigon and then she claimed that she is in Vietnam.
    Vietnamese nurses are skinny and wear double glasses.”

    He’s only been reading it for a couple of weeks (grudgingly because I email it to him every day) and already he dislikes Mary Worth and the phony world in which she resides. My brainwashing sessions are paying off!

  123. Hogen Mogen
    January 25th, 2007 at 11:18 am [Reply]

    “Paul dumped me for another woman!”
    No, he was perfectly willing to continue two timing you forever.

  124. Gabe
    January 25th, 2007 at 11:21 am [Reply]

    111: Ellie actually explained why their there so long in her letter on the FOOB site. Something about insurance claims to pay to get new furniture, etc.

  125. Hogen Mogen
    January 25th, 2007 at 11:30 am [Reply]

    No one has mentioned the intense similarities between the Mary Worth Vietnam doctor’s hair and that famed plastic hair helmet of our very American RMMD.

  126. PeteMoss
    January 25th, 2007 at 11:37 am [Reply]

    I haven’t looked at anyone else’s posts yet, but is today’s FW the funniest yet? The text and image in the third panel is a gutbuster! Wait….JP might be even funnier!…But then, there’s the fourth panel of RM and now I am blacking out from lack of oxygen…Make the hilarity stop! Please?

  127. reader-who-posts
    January 25th, 2007 at 11:40 am [Reply]

    MW: Somehow when I wrote my last post (#110) I didn’t notice the comment about lucidness the doctor made, so my comment about Dr. Cory going blind is rather stupid.

    MT: How is it that it’s so dry that one lightning bolt is about to start a beaver-threatening forest fire, but there is enough water in that stream for the beavers to swim in and make a dam for?

    TDIET: Who exactly is ‘doing it’ here? The ball for not going where he wanted it to? Or the golfer for sucking so bad he didn’t even realize he hit it way too hard?

    GT: In what world would a teenager say “are you a man or a marionette”? But then again I’m sure papers would run the strip if he said “God are you a pussy.”

  128. reader-who-posts
    January 25th, 2007 at 11:41 am [Reply]

    Oh, and by “rather stupid” I mean even more stupid than my usual posts.

  129. reader-who-posts
    January 25th, 2007 at 11:43 am [Reply]

    Damn it! I meant to say “papers WOULD’NT run the strip”

  130. Robert Whitaker Sirignano
    January 25th, 2007 at 11:43 am [Reply]

    Rachel is looking more like Lex Luthor every day…

  131. JudeMorrigan
    January 25th, 2007 at 11:45 am [Reply]

    It looks to me like June got hungry for some sweet, delicious eyeballs herself in today’s RMMD.

  132. Chromium
    January 25th, 2007 at 11:46 am [Reply]

    I think it is worth a mention that yesterday’s Redeye features a man getting horribly dismembered.

  133. gh
    January 25th, 2007 at 11:53 am [Reply]

    MT: Man, that horse was so startled, it coughed up a Jackball.

  134. Old Fogeyette
    January 25th, 2007 at 11:58 am [Reply]

    AARGH! Damn you, Jackelrod! Now I have to worry about Theodore and Castoria getting burned to death? And what about Molly? Really, I am starting to hate this strip for making me care about its denizens, unlike the strips dealing with people, which I don’t care about at all.

    FW:Someone here had a theory that Lisa will not die, but will get a life-saving bone-marrow transplant from her son Darren. I think that is the direction we are headed in here.

    Mutts: Help me out here. This is the first time ever in all the years I’ve been reading it that I don’t understand it.

    Kudos to today’s parodists. I especially liked “The Weight.”

  135. Lynngineering
    January 25th, 2007 at 12:02 pm [Reply]

    #23 – Lynngineering – you gonna finish that last sentence, or what?

    This is giving me some heavy headaches, and I don’t LIKE it when I get too many headaches.

    At least I got the one who can make some money. I’m –

    close…had to stop, April again. When is she going to LEARN TO KNOCK!

  136. Chromium
    January 25th, 2007 at 12:02 pm [Reply]

    45, 49 – It’s like JP and FW are playing “Queen for a Day.” Maybe the authors of both strips are having a secret battle and whoever makes the most depressing storyline gets a refrigerator or something.

  137. TB Tabby
    January 25th, 2007 at 12:03 pm [Reply]

    130: Does that mean we can look forward to Brainiac fusing with her, curing her cancer and turning her into a seemingly-omnipotent cyborg entity?

  138. gump worsley
    January 25th, 2007 at 12:05 pm [Reply]

    RMMD — At least we now know how this woman survived the meth-lab explosion. She obviously has the power to squirt out superhuman amounts of water from her eyes, providing a protective shield from any flames.

  139. gh
    January 25th, 2007 at 12:06 pm [Reply]

    #134 Old Fogeyette

    Mutts: I think Earl wants a pet boy so he can get belly rubs on command. Scratch! Good boy! Here’s a cookie.

  140. jvwalt
    January 25th, 2007 at 12:06 pm [Reply]

    MW appears to have populated its comic-strip Vietnam entirely with extras from the old Charlie Chan movies: white people with lots of makeup on. At least their dialogue doesn’t consist of “Ah, so” and the like.

    RMMD: This woman may be a poor mother, but… if I had just been nearly killed in an explosion and awakened in a hospital with a stranger hovering over me, telling me that she had my child… well, I’d react exactly the same way she did. “And who the exclamation mark/”at” sign/pound/dollar sign/percent are YOU?” Perfectly reasonable, I’d say.

  141. gh
    January 25th, 2007 at 12:12 pm [Reply]

    #136 Chromium

    Queen for a Day! Loved that applause-o-meter. Wasn’t it a Maytag washer they won? I always imagined piles of dirty clothes, arthritic hands and one of those hand-cranked wringers.

  142. Ham Gravy
    January 25th, 2007 at 12:17 pm [Reply]

    Mary appears to have gotten a sudden and painful toothache in panel two. How does one pronounce that exclamation point thingy?

  143. cheech wizard
    January 25th, 2007 at 12:17 pm [Reply]

    134 – Fogeyette: The bone-marrow transplant angle sounds likely to me as well. But then, both of us blew it on the Walt-in-the-comics-home storyline. Who’d a thunk he’d just go home and keep on getting old? What do we know?

  144. What's wrong with Mallard Fillmore
    January 25th, 2007 at 12:23 pm [Reply]

    FW: Even I find the 1/24 strip depressing

    FC: Maybe Thel should let the kids play in the “playhouse.” They can try hiding in the “cave”. And Thel can sneak home

  145. Axel Fusco
    January 25th, 2007 at 12:23 pm [Reply]

    CENSORSHIP ALERT! Is anyone else besides me virtually apoplectic over The Washington Post CENSORING Darby Conley’s “Get Fuzzy” strips this week? The print edition of The Post is running some repeats of old strips. This dog is fast turning into David Lynch’s “Angriest Dog in the World.” Grrrrrrrrrrr.

  146. Trotzenbonnie
    January 25th, 2007 at 12:24 pm [Reply]

    #134 – See, instead of a puppy following a boy home, a boy follows a puppy home. Voila! Irony. We’re just not used to comics that are actually funny what with the amputations, cancer, deformed children and haunted microwaves that we are subjected to every day….

  147. Mibbitmaker
    January 25th, 2007 at 12:24 pm [Reply]

    #36:The “Margo”s work like the bleeps on “Arrested Development”. I just hope you don’t get cancelled by FOX.

    #109: Howard, that’s because too many cartoonists put too much into too many comic strips these days. (Boy, am I glad he’s stuck in the endless Canadian justice system)

    #95: Hey, hands off my AitF! It’s still one of my favorites… at least during the Nixon years…and there weren’t alot of Bebe Rebozo jokes (that’d probably be the Carson show at the time. Hey, don’t knock topical funny names, either. I can’t get enough of “Scooter Libby”! Say it in a comically high pitched squeaky baby voice. It’s addictive. Uh….. where was I? Oh yeah…). In fact, in retrospect, there weren’t enough Watergate references for my tastes.

    Oh, and death to Cathy. And GT.

  148. Tommyp
    January 25th, 2007 at 12:28 pm [Reply]

    Luann: I don’t know about y’all, but I’ve had quite enough of Jared from Subway. I instantly felt sleepy when I laid eyes on him. Come to think of it, Iraq is a good place for Jared.

  149. Francis
    January 25th, 2007 at 12:30 pm [Reply]

    I look forward to the next three panels of Judge Parker:

    Panel 1 (Rachel in chair, looking ossified)
    Rachel: Another reason I’ll probably die soon is the fact that my bedroom is infested with brown recluse spiders.

    Panel 2 (Abbey looking concerned, Rachel gesturing weakly towards her room)
    Rachel: And I seem to be deathly allergic to the insecticide we tried and failed to exterminate them with.

    Panel 3 (close-up of Abbey, getting ever more concerned by the moment)
    Rachel: Also, I can’t find my kidneys anywhere.

  150. Trotzenbonnie
    January 25th, 2007 at 12:32 pm [Reply]

    #145 – Hey! I had an ADITW t-shirt! When I wore it everyone thought I was just politely saying that I was a bitch. Cretins!
    Yeah. I’m pissed that the Post would censor a strip about legalizing marijuana. Sheesh. It’s been years since the tight-assed Reagans ruled the city and the subversive Beach Boys were chased out of town. I took my kid to the smoke-in every year on the fouth of July where people lit up right across the street from the White House in Lafayette Park. I thought the Post was cool–the only place I could find Tom the Danicing Bug.

  151. MossMoses
    January 25th, 2007 at 12:33 pm [Reply]

    145. Axel, I feel your apoplecticness. Even worse, to read the online WaPo comics now, you are first tortured with a half minute of upcoming Justin Timberlake concert hype before you can get to the comics.

  152. stewart
    January 25th, 2007 at 12:34 pm [Reply]

    #145 — The Boston Globe are censoring the strips too. Just makes me happier I have my comics.com subscription.

  153. Mibbitmaker
    January 25th, 2007 at 12:42 pm [Reply]

    Above Archie: Archie has pants to match his hair!

    Today’s MT: God got fed up with MT’s tape-loop storyline repeating itself forever, so He threw down the lightning bolt. “Maybe this will shake things up! Losers! Hey, I’m enjoying throwing these at the deserving! …Oh, Johnny Haaarrrrrt…..”

  154. Old Fogeyette
    January 25th, 2007 at 12:43 pm [Reply]

    146 and 139, thanks for your answer to my query about Mutts. If I’d thought it was a little boy I would have understood it. But it looked like some horrible creature dressed up as a person. Maybe there was too much ink in the print run today (though do they still use ink?). For me one of the pleasures of Mutts is that you can pretty much tell who everyone is and this is the first time that hasn’t been true.

    143 Cheech Wizard: >>Who’d a thunk he’d just go home and keep on getting old?

  155. Old Fogeyette
    January 25th, 2007 at 12:45 pm [Reply]

    154 Damn, I didn’t see it before I said it and I lost my last two sentences! I meant to add, “I didn’t think I’d go home and keep getting old.”

    Plus they’re censoring my GF too, and it’s ridiculous and it pisses me off.

  156. Cedar
    January 25th, 2007 at 12:46 pm [Reply]

    http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/fun/funky.asp?date=20070125

    Wow. My favorite detail is the “Buckle Up” sign in the second panel. In fact, that’s really the only detail outside the bleak car. It seems so inconsequential compared to everything else.

    I’m not afraid to admit I almost cried over this. I’ve been feeling sorry for myself lately because I moved to a strange city because my spouse was offered a job here, and I’m lonely and sad and unemployed and feeling like such a loser. And this was just so harsh. Geez, I get it. And I’m buckling up later today.

  157. gh
    January 25th, 2007 at 12:47 pm [Reply]

    #1 Poteet
    So, you come in just to land #1? Then relurk? You know what Josh thinks about that.

    To show you how paranoid I am after my near-death experience with the spam filter, about an hour after I was #1 a few days ago I was merrily reading and posting when suddenly something froze up and all I got in the comments thread was my first one in some kind of computer script [id = gh, comment = (whatever it was), sender = my actual e-mail address] and I kept hitting refresh and the CC tab in Favorites and it wouldn’t go away, and shaking and sweating I composed an e-mail to Josh saying “please, please, I didn’t mean it! I honestly didn’t post first just to be first! You can take it away; just don’t ban me from the site!” Luckily, I hit refresh again before I sent it off and everything was fine and there was a new post from Josh up. I think I got caught between the cracks, but I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Yes, life on the Comic Curmudgeon edge. Not for the faint of heart.

    The e-mail still sits in my draft folder, because you never know.

  158. Pozzo
    January 25th, 2007 at 12:51 pm [Reply]

    #132 – I feel guilty for bringing up “Redeye” in the first place a couple of weeks ago.

    Did he actually say “Paleface?” Should I be offended? (We prefer “CrackerAmericans.”)

  159. Pozzo
    January 25th, 2007 at 12:52 pm [Reply]

    Also, what era does “Redeye” take place in? Does the era of Indians spying on Palefaces overlap at all with that of chainsaws?

  160. TB Tabby
    January 25th, 2007 at 1:07 pm [Reply]

    PC: And the Stem-Cell Straw-Man Story Arc enters Day 4. Please tell me Stantis doesn’t actually believe that stem cell extraction = grisly death.

  161. ChristyNell
    January 25th, 2007 at 1:07 pm [Reply]

    LUANN: I’m pretty certain that Luann is going to get all stupid in love with Bernice’s brother. When that happens, I will be sad.

    By the way, did you know that I gave an informative speech on Greg Evans’s “Luann” at the Nebraska State Speech Competition in high school? It’s true. Got fourth place. I feel really silly when I think about it now.

    FBOFW: Oh, for God’s sake, Liz, are you 26 or 14?

  162. gh
    January 25th, 2007 at 1:09 pm [Reply]

    #154 Old Fogeyette

    I presume it’s a kid, but the more I look, you may be right. By the way, Mutts is, I swear, the only strip I have sent to me by e-mail every day. First thing I read every morning, misanthropic and bilious as I am (though I still feel bad about the Mel Lazarus thing). I’m with you on this one: screw the people in all these strips, but don’t mess with the animals. But I really don’t think the beavers T & C are in danger. In fact, I think they’ll turn out to be heroes. Where, oh where, will the brave firefighters find enough water in this drought to save Lost Forest from the raging conflagration? Right behind their dam! And as a chastened Dick Morgan stands nearby, Mark pins little Jackball Medals of Honor to their furry little chests.

  163. Krazy Kat
    January 25th, 2007 at 1:20 pm [Reply]

    Cheech Wizard and
    Fogeyette

    FW-I like the bone marow transplant angle too. Only remenber, this is Funky Winkerbean so it will play out this way: Darrin will also contract cancer, inherited as a rare genetic predisposition from his birth mother, Lisa. Desperately he will search for his real mother, attempting to get a bone marrow transplant for himself. Finally, he finds her and the two of them, hollow-eyed and hairless, finally meet in the hospital as Lisa is within minutes of death. Her last line “sorry, I can’t help yo…”

    It’s Funky Winkerbean–No one gets saved

  164. Krazy Kat
    January 25th, 2007 at 1:23 pm [Reply]

    Oh yeah, and then Les will lighten the mood by saying “I see the resemblance”

  165. insolenttomato
    January 25th, 2007 at 1:23 pm [Reply]

    RMMD’s June & May = Female Archtypes on parade! Whore, meet Madonna. Madonna, Whore.

  166. SmartPeopleOnIce
    January 25th, 2007 at 1:26 pm [Reply]

    Josh, dude: Sardaukar

    Yes, my love is harsh, but it is fair…

  167. Coffeeclash
    January 25th, 2007 at 1:33 pm [Reply]

    #121: Is your monetarily remunerated activity performed in a fabric-covered container? Maybe Archie is just an alien.

    #142: It’s pronounced “margo.”

  168. Ribinin
    January 25th, 2007 at 1:36 pm [Reply]

    Luann – Bernice’s parents are telling Bernice a glossed-over version of what happened.

    In college, Bernice’s parents were struggling financially. The father was working a second job to pay their tuition so he couldn’t go to one of his own fraternity parties. Her mother went to the party anyway, and it turned out to be a tragic mistake. The president of the fraternity drugged her and raped her.

    Being young and because they were intimidated by the fraternity, they didn’t report it, but over time problems developed. They tried changing schools but that didn’t really help. She had deep conflicts about having the baby. He couldn’t deal with it at all, even though he tried, since he was the one who pressed her not to report it.

    They went into counseling, and eventually decided that if they kept the baby, they would be divorced. They had been high school sweethearts and they both hated the idea of not being together. So, after much soul searching, for the sake of their relationship they gave the baby up.

  169. Concerned Citizen
    January 25th, 2007 at 1:39 pm [Reply]

    Abbey sure looks hot. Rachel sure looks dead. Enough chit chat, maybe Abbey should take a shower.

  170. Richard Onley
    January 25th, 2007 at 1:41 pm [Reply]

    #52: Teenchy: “In todays (25 January) strip we learn that Bernice’s brother is…Sergeant York.”

    Wasn’t that a movie about those two guys who played “Darren” on Bewitched?

  171. cheech wizard
    January 25th, 2007 at 1:45 pm [Reply]

    163 – Krazy: You think? I dunno, perhaps the excruciating pain of drilling into his thigh bones and hips to extract the marrow will be enough to sate Bautiuk’s sadistic, god-like torment of the little insects that are his characters.

  172. mediocre79
    January 25th, 2007 at 1:57 pm [Reply]

    In the Luann strip – you can tell they are related because they BOTH WEAR GLASSES. That’s the clue!

    And how dare you take Melkar’s name in vain! :-D

  173. Allie Cat
    January 25th, 2007 at 1:59 pm [Reply]

    #147 – I miss Arrested Development. A lot.

    #168 – See my rant from 3:30 AM – (#35). I think your theory makes a lot of sense – I can’t tell you how “off” this plot feels to me. I kind of like Luann because I started reading it at its inception, when Luann and I were the same age. Now that she’s 16 and I’m 32, I kind of want to slap her.

    But I’m really rooting for Brad to meet a nice girl, take her back to Mrs. Horner’s house and show her his fire pole.

  174. Saxman
    January 25th, 2007 at 2:00 pm [Reply]

    118 MT fire

    Well, it *could* work out that way, or it could be that Lucky sees that the fire threatens his friend (“that kid who shaved my leg and tried to feed me fish and plywood squares”). Lucky realizes that Mark & company are bumbling fools but don’t deserve to die, so Luck and Castoria rush to dam the river (using the laughably useless chain link as re-enforcing rods) and stop the flames from reaching the dithering Trail’s cabin. Just in time. And Molly helps.

  175. Otto
    January 25th, 2007 at 2:01 pm [Reply]

    “Surely they would throw all thoughts of their own safety aside and fearlessly engage even our most deadly trained Sau’dukar Warriors in bloody combat!”

    Did you yank all that out of uhmmm thin air? Or are you secretly a Dune-geek? Just wondering. Anyway, thanks for the laughs, keep ‘m coming, it’s good stuff.

  176. Red Greenback
    January 25th, 2007 at 2:02 pm [Reply]

    It’s early morning
    A sound rings out
    The cage was shaking
    And pretty loud
    Francoise is pissed off
    And wants to be free
    So that’s the deal
    So I lost my key
    “Dad, I’m so hungry!”
    I hear her yell
    So give her pizza
    And wish her well
    Workday is here
    Got work to do
    I’ve got to leave
    No more time for you

    Here I am, bore you like Anthony Caine
    Here I am, bore you like Anthony Caine
    My ‘stashe is awesome
    It starts to shed
    Crumbs from the cruller
    Or was it bread?
    My basement cage is
    Robust and true
    Just have to make Liz
    A playmate for you
    I’ll be back later
    I have to go
    Gordon expects me
    He runs to show
    His garage don’t run itself
    I gotta pitch in
    With the daily chores
    What do I do, again?

    Here I am, bore you like Anthony Caine
    Here I am, bore you like Anthony Caine
    Here I am, bore you like Anthony Caine
    Here I am, bore you like Anthony Caine

    *Rock You Like a Hurricane-Scorpions

  177. Saxman
    January 25th, 2007 at 2:03 pm [Reply]

    111 Foob Michael & co’s overstaing their welcome

    I should have know there were facts not in evidence.

    Sorta like how in Star Wars, you wonder why at the very beginning of episode IV, the rebels didn’t just set off a self destruct nuke and blow themselves, as darth and his Star Destoryer to finders (until you learn that anti-nuclear reaction fields were invented ages ago).

    Sorta like when you hear Bush say that he’s reduced the deficit 50% (until his minders clarify that he meant he’s reduced the predicted gorwth of deficit by 50% – as long as you don’t include war costs)

  178. Saxman
    January 25th, 2007 at 2:04 pm [Reply]

    168 Bernice’s parents

    Well, it *could* have happened the way you describe.

    Or maybe Bernice’s parents just sold their first child to Republicans and used the money to buy an 8 track stereo and some grow lights.

  179. Saxman
    January 25th, 2007 at 2:07 pm [Reply]

    Luanne & Bernice’s brother

    But would Bernice’s brother made Luann a kewl princess dress or a duck costume? So what if he is a war hero, has computer skills, and is generally a hunk.

    Hmmmm. Gunther is toast.

    OK, OK, my prediction is that within 2 weeks, Aaron makes a return visit.

  180. Non-Shannon
    January 25th, 2007 at 2:14 pm [Reply]

    #37: All right. I’ve been denying these feelings for a while now, but that Band parody put me over the edge.

    WILLE YOU MARRY ME???*

    *each question mark is intended to be pronounced separately in the manner which I consider its correct pronounciation, i.e. “Buh?”

  181. SmartPeopleOnIce
    January 25th, 2007 at 2:14 pm [Reply]

    You go to war with the mother you have, not the mother you want. Liberals…sheesh.

  182. migellito
    January 25th, 2007 at 2:15 pm [Reply]

    mt – the forest fire can be interpreted as only one thing.. a powerful message.

    “Do not taunt JackElrod Ball!”

  183. akuinakka
    January 25th, 2007 at 2:16 pm [Reply]

    Mark Trail: “This is a bad time to have a lightning storm…” Is there ever a good time for a lightning storm, Mark?

  184. Allie Cat
    January 25th, 2007 at 2:16 pm [Reply]

    #178 – Another workable theory, and one I personally like because, thankfully, my parents already had a grow-lite by the time I came into the picture.

  185. The Velvet Blog
    January 25th, 2007 at 2:37 pm [Reply]

    If this For Better or Worse news was discussed here, I missed it, so click here for details.

  186. Foobaphobe
    January 25th, 2007 at 2:38 pm [Reply]

    At the risk of sounding like a kook, today’s FOOB further cements the “All women need hysterectomies” theory, although lobotomies may also be called for as the general screaming fit spreads through the entire female population of Canada. I fully expect to see “Lovey” Saltzman, Dee, and Shannon pictured with lunatic mouths fully agape, shrieking about nothing in particular, within the next week.

  187. MonkeyHawk
    January 25th, 2007 at 2:48 pm [Reply]

    #185 — Velvet Blog:

    Thanks for the link.

    You might also be interested in learning that Aldo Kelrast looked like Captain Kangaroo, “FOOB” is not an acronym, and Marmaduke is a big dog.

  188. kilgore trout
    January 25th, 2007 at 2:50 pm [Reply]

    I find today’s 9CL as disturbing as I find it arousing.

    And, why does the nurse in MW panel 1 look so damn happy about the news re Dr. Jeff?

  189. benro
    January 25th, 2007 at 2:50 pm [Reply]

    #185 – Yes, it’s been beaten to death

  190. benro
    January 25th, 2007 at 2:54 pm [Reply]

    As a postscript, it’s a safe assumption that if there is a news item that is even remotely related to the comics, or beavers, or bears, or Captain Kangaroo, and it was published more than 10 minutes ago, it has been discussed in detail on this site.

  191. Antelope Freeway
    January 25th, 2007 at 3:06 pm [Reply]

    Liked your Mad parody song, bh, but to be technical, the original “Smoke Gets in Your Eyes” was introduced in the 1933 Broadway musical “Roberta.” Not sure who sang it then, but in the movie of 1934 it was Irene Dunne.

  192. Lynngineering
    January 25th, 2007 at 3:08 pm [Reply]

    #189 it may have been beaten to death, still:

    “I used to play the guitar and sing in coffeehouses,” she said. “I wanted to be Joan Baez!”

    is bizarre enough to repeat at certain important FOOB moments.

  193. Saxman
    January 25th, 2007 at 3:11 pm [Reply]

    192

    I wonder if Joan Baez ever sits around and muses, ” I used to draw comics and pass them around to the band. I wanted to be Lynn Johnston.”

    I guess not.

  194. Robert Whitaker Sirignano
    January 25th, 2007 at 3:15 pm [Reply]

    Well, the GET FUZZY strips are hardly censored in this day and age of the internet.

    Best censorship recently? The suppresion of the STAR WARS HOLIDAY SPECIAL. Lucas has said, if he could, he’d smash every copy. Thye’d have to pry that hammer from his cold dead fingers from sheer exhaustion.

    I guess I gotta dub another copy for a friend.

  195. gh
    January 25th, 2007 at 3:17 pm [Reply]

    #191 Antelope Freeway ["1/128th mile"]

    Um, it’s gh, and I was too lazy to check. I figured someone would zing me on it. Thank god for the internets!

  196. Camster
    January 25th, 2007 at 3:22 pm [Reply]

    My theory on the “Buckle up” sign in FW is that it’s Batiuk’s usual ham-fisted foreshadowing and a crash is imminent. That outta take care of the “All I can think about is cancer” attitude: how do you feel about severed limbs? Plus, it’s cheerier than the current storyline.

    I also love that Josh’s “Pit of despair” slug on this post has attracted a “Run fun funerals” Google ad. Cancer girl take note!

  197. benro
    January 25th, 2007 at 3:23 pm [Reply]

    #192 – I think this begs for a Joan Baez/FOOB/Lynn song parody, perhaps “Diamonds and Rust”. Unfortunately, such creativity is beyond my capabilities

  198. Poteet
    January 25th, 2007 at 3:46 pm [Reply]

    # 157 — Arrgh, gh, you mean I did something wrong? I didn’t know it was wrong! It was late at night and I wanted to make a small comment about May going from obscenities to tears, and I saw I might be first, and I waited because I was feeling shy and I knew there was some kind of “verboten” connected with being first but I didn’t really understand what to avoid, but no one else showed up, so I thought I’d just go ahead and try to make a small funny about being first, and then it turned out I was first, and then because it was really late I went to bed. Was that wrong? Apologies, groveling, hope this comment will show up and that I haven’t been banned already…

  199. Lynngineering
    January 25th, 2007 at 3:47 pm [Reply]

    #193 – judging from “Don’t Look Back” the Dylan docu, I think Joan Baez sits around and tells whoever will still listen: ” I used to be a more important figure in the folk scene than Dylan…” How potentially Elisabeth-like.

  200. gh
    January 25th, 2007 at 3:50 pm [Reply]

    #198 Poteet

    Just watch your back, is all I’m saying. [Is this #200? Josh, no! Agghh!]

  201. Poteet
    January 25th, 2007 at 3:51 pm [Reply]

    Whew. Relief.

    # 4 — Thanks, Uncle Lumpy. For you, I’ll finish my first and last “first” performance. Tappity tappity tap tap tappity tap tap tap…”It’s a night trip into bed you hop, And dream awaaaay on the good ship Lollipop!”

  202. Josh
    January 25th, 2007 at 3:53 pm [Reply]

    People, just don’t post a first post that consists only of some declaration that your post was first. It’s annoying and will be erased, though it won’t get you banned or anything. Sheesh, y’all act like I’m some sort of capricious tyrant.

    Josh

  203. Poteet
    January 25th, 2007 at 4:03 pm [Reply]

    # 200 — gh, I’ll watch my back. Thanks. Okay, so the deal is to avoid firsts followed by silence, avoid comment numbers with more than one zero(?), and try to avoid the dreaded Spam Filter. Got it.

    # 57 — Jeff, the Foob letters are where Foobloatharians go to renew their determination to hate the Foobiverse. If you haven’t read the January Michael letter yet about his ghastly novel, you haven’t hit the bottom yet, in my opinion. Others may differ.

    # 72 — True Fable, thanks for making that point about Niki waiting to be kidnapped. And I agree with you about GA.

    # 134 — Old Fogeyette, let’s try to remember during the next difficult days that the JackBall protects cute protagonist animals. And let’s hold hands.

  204. Calico
    January 25th, 2007 at 4:04 pm [Reply]

    #65, again – OMG, I just got this info thru my dollar-store foil hat!
    April from FOOB joins May and June in RMMD and, as an incurably dysfunctional but humorous trio, win a Golden Raspberry award in their quest to be like “Charlie’s Angels.”

  205. Old Fogeyette
    January 25th, 2007 at 4:04 pm [Reply]

    #162: >>And as a chastened Dick Morgan stands nearby, Mark pins little Jackball Medals of Honor to their furry little chests.>RMMD’s June & May = Female Archtypes on parade! Whore, meet Madonna. Madonna, Whore.

  206. Blynneda
    January 25th, 2007 at 4:07 pm [Reply]

    29: Oh, if only An Inconvenient Truth came On Ice! But alas, all the ice is gone because the seas will froth and boil over, causing untold millions in deaths and damaged real estate.

  207. gh
    January 25th, 2007 at 4:07 pm [Reply]

    Josh –

    I don’t know. Anyone who’s got “like flies unto wanton boys” on the tip of his tongue, you at least got to wonder.

    (And Poteet: especially the spam filter. I still have nightmares.)

  208. Jason
    January 25th, 2007 at 4:07 pm [Reply]

    I always wondered why Archie has that pattern on the back of his head. What is that supposed to signify? The only thing I can up with is that he had abusive parents who stuck his head in a waffle iron as some sort of punishment.

  209. NEW-ME
    January 25th, 2007 at 4:07 pm [Reply]

    Lizardbreath – Shut the hell up and get on with your miserable, no insight into your own soul, petty, boring, fake virginal, man hating, egotistical, self rightous, spend the rest of eternity chained in Blandthony’s basement, life.

  210. Old Fogeyette
    January 25th, 2007 at 4:07 pm [Reply]

    #204: This is very weird. Second time in a row my comment was truncated. And this time I DID see it before I said it.

    Maybe it has something to do with the way I make “quotes.” So I won’t do that anymore.

    Anyway, first to gh, #162, I love your scenario and hope it works out like that.

    The second one was in re #165: also loved this scenario, re June and May and Madonna and Whore, but just was wondering which was which?

  211. zeeba
    January 25th, 2007 at 4:10 pm [Reply]

    GF controversy: After 2 days of stating that the strips are rerun because of Darby Conley going on vacation (A HUGE LIE!!!), the Dallas Morning News is now saying simply that the strips this week are repeats, with no explanation. Much ado about nothing. Anyone who reads GF consistently knows that Bucky is clueless.

  212. Harold
    January 25th, 2007 at 4:11 pm [Reply]

    So, what’s that THING on the body of the obese Chinese kid in Mallard Fillmore today? Is that supposed to be a head? Why is the child driving his or her fingers into the slits where his or her eyes should be? What is that triangular thing hanging down where a nose or mouth would be? WHAT THE HELL IS THAT???

    Or is it a cheeseburger being used to cover the face, improperly colored to remble the face? At least stick some sesame seeds on the top bun to reinforce the image. And where’s the bottom bun? WHAT IS THAT THING?

    Geez, Tinsley, bring back the badly-drawn Rex Morgan parody head. Or some other head, any head. Or, better yet, just hang it up entirely, you talentless, humorless hack. I’ll buy your first round.

  213. True Fable
    January 25th, 2007 at 4:12 pm [Reply]

    #90 Hap Hapless – I don’t know about Google, but a friend of mine found his birth mother online through some sort of geneology search. But you are right, he knew his mother’s name so he had that much to go on and it looks like Bernice’s brother wouldn’t have.

    #120 Cheech wizard – I had an uncle with brain cancer, and that is indeed what they called it. Then a few years ago one of my best friends wound up with brain cancer, which he said was not so bad because it affected the part of his brain that prevented him from feeling the lung cancer that was eating him alive. He said he could get all his affairs in order without whining about the pain, so he did and died relatively peacefully.
    Take that, Lisa!

  214. reader-who-posts
    January 25th, 2007 at 4:13 pm [Reply]

    188 – What’s disturbing about 9 Chickweed Lane is that back when it was in my paper Amos was this geeky kid with a crush on the girl. Now he’s a geeky man who has, at least according to wikipedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/9_Chickweed_Lane), two women and one man with the hots for him. To understand how disturbing that is, imagine if Brad not only had Toni Daytona dump Dirk for him, but then T.J. made a pass at him the day after he had a threesome with Toni and her hot, brazilian best friend that I just made up since there are no other adult women in this strip other than the mom and that old woman they bought the house from. Come to think of it, could we make that happen?

  215. Blynneda
    January 25th, 2007 at 4:13 pm [Reply]

    What about the tragedy of panel 2 in Beetle Bailey? Their desperation has left Beetle and Zero in an endless void of beige, perhaps in recognition of the endless void that is the hijinx of military life.

  216. Craigers
    January 25th, 2007 at 4:18 pm [Reply]

    I always wondered why Archie has that pattern on the back of his head. What is that supposed to signify?

    The diamond-shaped cross-hatching on the back of Archie’s head is intended to evoke the heraldic escutcheon known as a “hatchment”. The hatchment is a display of a coat of arms within a diamond-shaped frame that signifies the death of the bearer of the arms. Archie, who is the personification of the risen Christ in the comic, bears the hatchment on his own body to symbolize the passage into death and subsequent rebirth that Jesus underwent at the Crucifixion. It is also believed by some to represent the royal or noble lineage of Jesus (since armorial bearings are historically restricted to the aristocracy), but this is not in fact a belief that is shared by the Moldavian Orthodox Church which uses Archie to spread its coded messages.

  217. zeeba neighba
    January 25th, 2007 at 4:18 pm [Reply]

    #9 JP Patches – You’ve now hinted at your secret identity as a 35 – 45 year old who spent at least part of his/her childhood in Seattle – unless you are the real JP, and then I must say that we are all not worthy…but this also identifies me as well, so I’ll just shut up.

    Since we’re all ranting a bit today about timelines (Luann), I have to rant about Stone Soup. Normally rather amusing, but the pregnancy story line really accentuates the timeline stupidity. Max was again identified today as being a two year old. So, in the last two years, nine months, Joan has:

    Gotten pregnant with Max with her previous husband.

    Lost her previous husband through death or divorce.

    Had Max somewhere in there…

    Moved in with her sister and extended family.

    Lived with them for a while.

    Was romanced by Wally next door.

    Got engaged and married to Wally.

    Andy moved in with Wally somewhere along the way….

    Is now four months pregnant with a new baby.

    And has somehow completely forgotten what it is like to be pregnant and keeps asking her sister about it. It’s been less than three years! Of course, in real time more like, what, ten? But why would her sister have any more insight with a 8 and 13 year old? Or however old they’re supposed to be.

    I guess that is one thing the FOOB aging machine has to its credit. And now she’s even going to stop that.

    And I thought Zero’s lack of self-esteem was just as depressing as the rest of the pit o’ despair comics on topic today.

  218. True Fable
    January 25th, 2007 at 4:23 pm [Reply]

    Dear Santa,
    Please drop Photoshop into my anxious hands, I want to play around with/ hijack/ totally lace up certain comic strips. Screw the whole December gig, give it to me for Valentine’s day because you love to make me happy and I’m broke.
    Sincerely,
    True Fable
    P.S. I will leave greenies out for you! I promise!

  219. Skullturf Q. Beavispants
    January 25th, 2007 at 4:24 pm [Reply]

    #5 sterg and #153 Mibbitmaker — you’re close, but in fact, Archie isn’t wearing pants. That crosshatch waffle-iron pattern on the back of his head is also ALL OVER HIS THIGHS.

  220. dryman
    January 25th, 2007 at 4:26 pm [Reply]

    in and out of lucidness.. no longer contagious.. I diagnose Dr. Cory with advanced neurosyphilis.

  221. Saxman
    January 25th, 2007 at 4:26 pm [Reply]

    213 Googling mom

    I never heard of somebody finding their biological mother on-line, but I know somebody who found out he had a child on-line.

    Seems he and his gf broke up. Years later, he learned she had a blog. For old times sake, he checked it out. Much to his chagrin, he read a detailed run down of his inadequacies as a bf, and finally the revelation that said gf became pregnant, orchestrated the breakup, and subsequently married somebody else. The new couple is raising the kid as their own (as near as I can figure, this will work only if the kid never grows up to learn to google, or if Google doesn’t keep the blog cached for, oh, 8 years or so).

    Friend contacted ex gf and was told to stay out of it. But last I looked, the blog was still there.

    Hmmm. This would make a good seeps series when my Tommy the Trilobite comics gets established. Only in chitin I guess.

  222. Poteet
    January 25th, 2007 at 4:28 pm [Reply]

    # 202 — Josh, thanks for the clarification. And I don’t think of you as a capricious tyrant. I think of you as the all-powerful ruler of this realm. Thanks for ruling so benignly.

  223. Krazy Kat
    January 25th, 2007 at 4:30 pm [Reply]

    #197-Benro
    I’ll take a stab at it. It’s an ensemble piece. Imagine it as an off Broadway show. All the characters are on stage:

    April:
    Well I’ll be damned
    Here comes that ghost again
    But that’s not unusual
    It’s playing a Hose-A-Phone
    And you ran to a stall

    Granthony:
    And here I sit
    Hand on my cinnamon roll
    Sceaming through all the quivering crumbs
    “I have no fam-a-leeee!”

    (to Liz)
    As I remember your thighs
    Were bigger than Robins’ head
    Mike:
    My novel was lousy you said
    Where are you calling from?
    A booth in Mitigatwibgawti

    Gwanpa Jim:
    A few months ago
    I had an infarction
    You brought me some prime rib
    When I ask where it’s got to
    I can only say “DAH!”

    /you take it from there–anyone?

  224. Galactic Emperor Chennux
    January 25th, 2007 at 4:36 pm [Reply]

    THIS IS GALACTIC EMPEROR CHENNUX! YOU WILL BOW BEFORE ME NOW, EARTHERS!

    OUR INVASION FLEET IS NOT DETERRED BY YOUR POSTURING AND MOCKERY IN THE FACE OF YOUR CERTAIN DOOM! WE ARE POISED TO CRUSH YOUR PUNY PLANET INTO ATOMS UNLESS THE FOLLOWING CONDITIONS ARE MET! HEAR THEM AND TREMBLINGLY OBEY!

    1) THE ONE CALLED MARY WORTH WILL BE STRAPPED INTO AN ADVICE APPRECIATION CHAIR AT MAXIMUM INTENSITY UNTIL HER SPLEEN ERUPTS. YOU WILL VIDEO THIS AND PREPARE IT FOR DOWNLOAD TO OUR iPODS.

    2) ALL MARK TRAIL BEAVER JOKES WILL CEASE IMMEDIATELY! MELKARDAMMIT, THEY JUST FRY MY KLGNOR!

    3) BRING US THE FINGERS OF MARGO MCGEE. WE ACTUALLY HAVE TO SPELL OUT QUOTE WHEN WE CITE VERBAL REFERENCES, AND SHE WILL SAVE US MUCH TYPING TIME.

    4) WE DEMAND A SEQUAL TO BUCKAROO BANSAI! GET CRACKING!

    5) GET RID OF THE DESIGNATED HITTER RULE IN THE AMERICAN LEAGUE! IT DESTROYS THE PURITY OF THE GAME!

    6) THERE IS NO DEMAND SIX!

    FAILURE TO INSTANTLY OBEY WILL RESULT IN BEING FORCED TO DANCE YOURSELVES TO DEATH IN FRONT OF MY POLONIUM THRONE! YOU FIRST, POTEET!

    END TRANSMISSION!

  225. Poteet
    January 25th, 2007 at 4:39 pm [Reply]

    # 217 — Zeeba, to me the worst part of the no-aging policy of STONE SOUP is that Max never changes, and I loathe him. To me, he’s the most obnoxious toddler in comic strips. I dread finding out how a sibling will affect him — not for the better, I’ll bet. Maybe I’ll quit the strip after the baby is born.

  226. True Fable
    January 25th, 2007 at 4:41 pm [Reply]

    The most awful notion just struck me.
    You don’t suppose, do you, that Michael’s stilted description of his book about Sheilagh in his letters is an outline of a book Lynn is going to come out with post-September, do you? That she is in fact penning this piece of shit in all seriousness and figures her legions of fans/drones will eagerly snatch it up like ducks feeding on corn and their own droppings?
    I just had a horrific vision of Lynn Johnson doing a book signing at a mall, and it’s a big thick piece of purple prose about Sheilagh Shaunnassy, and she’s raving about how brilliant she is and how art imitates life, ad nauseum.
    And she’s got this stupid triangular open-mouthed gaping maw of a smile on her face.
    And I go to the mall for the express purpose of throwing up on her. That’s the part I like.

  227. Poteet
    January 25th, 2007 at 4:42 pm [Reply]

    # 224 — GAAAAH! Take Mary Worth! Take Mary Worth, Your High Exalted Excellency! She’s yours! I swear! Make HER dance instead! Bow, scrape, bow, scrape….

  228. willethompson
    January 25th, 2007 at 4:42 pm [Reply]

    #180 non-shannon – Sure, darlin’. Wanna meet in Lake Charles? That’s where I’m heading after I get off of this mountain…

  229. Old Fogeyette
    January 25th, 2007 at 4:44 pm [Reply]

    #224 LOLOLOLOL! Now, who is it really? Hmmm? Not really the Emperor Chennux, there is no such…

    Gagagagaga tapitty tap tap….(falls to the floor, undone by dancing)

  230. Saxman
    January 25th, 2007 at 4:48 pm [Reply]

    Saxman’s list of story ideas

    Pre-canon, Paul Atreides moves into Charterstone to hide from Harkonnen assassains. He befriends Mary and learns valuable lessons before his departure to Arrakis.

    Note to self. Could a sand worm try to eat Toby Cameron? Tasteful seminude scene? Workarounds for the transport problems?

    Ella Byrd as Bene Gesserit?

  231. willethompson
    January 25th, 2007 at 4:51 pm [Reply]

    Wow, you assume the identity of an evil galactic emperor and SHOUT and eveyone falls into line!

    Gotta remember that at the next client meeing…

  232. Richard Onley
    January 25th, 2007 at 4:52 pm [Reply]

    #179: Saxman says: “But would Bernice’s brother made Luann a kewl princess dress or a duck costume? So what if he is a war hero, has computer skills, and is generally a hunk.
    “Hmmmm. Gunther is toast.
    “OK, OK, my prediction is that within 2 weeks, Aaron makes a return visit.”

    So what we have here is a nebbishy home-town boy, a handsome fellow who travels a lot, and a straight-arrow hunk in a uniform. I don’t hold out much hope for that storyline, though if what the newspaper articles say about “millions” of devoted FOOB readers is correct, they might . . .

  233. gh
    January 25th, 2007 at 4:52 pm [Reply]

    #229 Old Fogeyette

    My money’s on Uncle Lumpy, based on #4.

  234. Saxman
    January 25th, 2007 at 4:54 pm [Reply]

    224 Independence from Chennux

    Achooo! Sorry

    (Donald sneezes all over his copy of McAfee anti virus software)

    I have a cold today. Achoo. Well, I can’t think of anything to save us from Chennux. You guys start working on the ipod DOWNLOAD

    (Achoo. Damn, I’m going to have to throw out this antiVIRUS software).

    I’ll start working on the Buckaroo banzai part 2 treatment.

    Achoo. We won’t need this antiVIRUS software for the DOWNLOAD anyway. Achoo.

  235. benro
    January 25th, 2007 at 4:55 pm [Reply]

    #223 – I am in awe

  236. commodorejohn
    January 25th, 2007 at 4:59 pm [Reply]

    B.C. – I swear, I saw this exact same strip in one of the collections I have from the mid-70s.

    FOOB – First off, I retract my statement about April looking like Liz from a few years ago. She looks exactly like Liz does currently, except that she’s not bawling about a relationship failure that was mostly her fault. And as for tensions from house-sharing, the Foobs are all a bunch of babies, do you hear me? They have…what? Eight people in their house currently? Big freaking deal – when a family of friends suddenly had to move back to Minnesota to treat the mother’s cancer, their entire family, minus the dad and one kid, moved in with us for three months – a total of fifteen people in a three-bedroom house. And you know what? Except for the occasional minor argument, we were all fine. Pattersons, you are all self-absorbed and childish. Of course, we already knew that.

    FW – “This other lady is moderately handicapped and has two mild stressors and one serious stressor in her life, and all I can think about is my terminal and progressively debilitating illness. I’m so selfish!

    MW – It’s “lucidity,” not “lucidness.”

  237. The Velvet Blog
    January 25th, 2007 at 5:01 pm [Reply]

    187– Douchebag.

  238. The Velvet Blog
    January 25th, 2007 at 5:02 pm [Reply]

    Sorry. Feel free to delete that.

    Still…

  239. Harold
    January 25th, 2007 at 5:03 pm [Reply]

    #230 Saxman, is there any chance that Duncan Idaho could rescue Paul from the biddy pits of Charterstone, and leave a lasgun on a timer aimed at a shield in Ella Byrd’s apartment as a going-away surprise for all the resident meddlers?

    “Paul, no time to explain. There’s an ornithopter on the roof. Don’t trip over Chinbeard’s body in the stairwell. Give me three minutes. I need to cover our escape…”

  240. Santa
    January 25th, 2007 at 5:03 pm [Reply]

    Dear Fable,

    If you really want Photoshop, you are going to have to be nicer. Or naughtier.

    Your call.

    Hugs,
    Santa.

    PS: Call me crazy, but “greenies” ain’t really sweetin’ the deal. I’m just sayin’…

  241. curie’s daughter
    January 25th, 2007 at 5:04 pm [Reply]

    I just want to add to the other two posters who appreciated Josh’s Dune reference.

    Seriously, I had a “best friend” tell me I was too nerdy to be her friend in middle school because I liked Dune.

    Now she’s on drugs, and I … read Comics Curmudgeon every day.

  242. TB Tabby
    January 25th, 2007 at 5:05 pm [Reply]

    224: Sounds like someone needs a little Charterstone “intervention.”

  243. willethompson
    January 25th, 2007 at 5:06 pm [Reply]

    ATTENTION, EARTHERS! YOU WILL NOW LISTEN TO MY SONG PARODY! THESE HAVE GOTTEN WILLETHOMPSON THREE MARRIAGE OFFERS IN AS MANY WEEKS AND IT WAS A LONG TRIP FROM ZYVEX, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!

    THERE ONCE WAS A MAN FROM NORTH FARGO
    WHOSE SKXCRITORT WAS SHAPED LIKE KEY LARGO
    HE SAID WITH A SNORT
    AS HE WIPED OFF HIS BLORT
    IF MY EAR WERE A CLORX I COULD MARGO!

    I NOW AWAIT MARRIAGE OFFERS! BRING TAP SHOES!

    END TRANSMISSION!

  244. Saxman
    January 25th, 2007 at 5:07 pm [Reply]

    Diesel Sweeties

    I’m still really trying to like this one, since it is undeniably better than Momma and it is supposed to be cutting edge and all. But just when I start thinking I have the flow figured out, I realize “nothing you know is true.” Like I thought there were humans and good robots and bad robots. But today I learn that apparently some of the humans are actually aliens? I have enough trouble telling the characters apart already! Is there a concordance or something?

    http://www.chron.com/apps/comics/showComic.mpl?date=2007/1/25&name=Deisel_Sweeties

  245. galactic Emperor Chennux
    January 25th, 2007 at 5:07 pm [Reply]

    Uhhh… pay no attention to that man behind the curtain…

  246. gh
    January 25th, 2007 at 5:09 pm [Reply]

    #217 zeeba neighba

    OK, fine. I went to Stone Soup for the first time via Google since it’s not on chron.com. I won’t be going back. I’m just thankful my paper didn’t replace Foxtrot with it. Another not-comic.

  247. Non-Shannon
    January 25th, 2007 at 5:10 pm [Reply]

    Wille: Lake Charles, LA? That’s close enough…
    And maybe, on our wedding night, could you assume the identity of Galactic Emperor Chinnux again? For me?
    Aw baby, you so sweet.

  248. Poteet
    January 25th, 2007 at 5:18 pm [Reply]

    # 243 — Emperor, now I’m laughing way too hard to dance.

  249. commodorejohn
    January 25th, 2007 at 5:20 pm [Reply]

  250. cheech wizard
    January 25th, 2007 at 5:27 pm [Reply]

    213- True Fable – sorry about your uncle and friend. A former girlfriend of mine had a malignant brain tumor (she’s a long-term survivor, fortunately) and that’s how all the doctors, literature and the other patients in her support group referred to it. My impression was that they avoided “brain cancer” as being amore harsh and less precise term.

  251. Saxman
    January 25th, 2007 at 5:28 pm [Reply]

    249

    Thanks. That helps a lot, even though I still can’t figure out who is who (or who the alien is). Or could a non-alien (albeit clueless) be asking about activities on “your planet.”

    As an aside, I’m waiting for the reintroduction of the orbital laser story arc (just because I like orbital lasers).

    I’m also looking for the reintroduction of the cross dressing, gay sex, and hookers story arcs, especially in the Houston Chronicle.

    My bet is that I’ll be seeing orbital lasers first.

  252. gh
    January 25th, 2007 at 5:31 pm [Reply]

    #243 willethompson

    Stop that! How am I supposed to drive home if I keep laughing so hard I can’t see? Some people say you’re funny, but I say you’re just MEAN!

  253. zeeba neighba
    January 25th, 2007 at 5:34 pm [Reply]

    #225 Poteet – I think Barry from Curtis is more annoying, but Max runs a close second. If we’re not counting the FC kids, due to their obvious disabilities. Well, and the FOOB grandchildren.

    But you have more pressing matters to worry about with the impending doom of Galactic Emperor Chennux. Dance faster! While non-shannon has willethompson distracted, maybe you can get away.

    # 246 gh – That was in no way intended to be an endorsement of Stone Soup. Just because I know the characters and bothered to come up with a timeline doesn’t mean that I actually enjoy the strip. It is sometimes mildly amusing, in a middle-aged woman kind of non-Cathy way. It’s not depressing, or incomprehensible, just kind of a smile sometimes kind of comic. Or not-comic. But it’s better than Adam@home. If you don’t get that one, don’t bother going to look it up.

  254. Lynngineering
    January 25th, 2007 at 5:37 pm [Reply]

  255. True Fable
    January 25th, 2007 at 5:39 pm [Reply]

    #240 Dear Santa,
    Oh, I can do naughtier! Nicer warps my snarking.
    But those greenies are pretty potent if I use the whole bag. Let’s just say that you won’t need flying reindeer if you eat the whole plateful.
    Ever hopeful,
    True Fable

  256. GoBobbyGo
    January 25th, 2007 at 5:39 pm [Reply]

    What about Zits? I mean, whether or not they screwed this up, it wouldn’t be funny, but how can she POSSIBLY see the roof of Pierce’s mouth from that angle?

  257. Lynngineering
    January 25th, 2007 at 5:40 pm [Reply]

    Hm. Ok I’ll post what I can recall of it:

    “I just had a horrific vision of Lynn Johnson doing a book signing at a mall, and it’s a big thick piece of purple prose about Sheilagh Shaunnassy, and she’s raving about how brilliant she is and how art imitates life, ad nauseum.”

    worse – she pulls out a guitar, says “I’ve always wanted to do this”, starts playing and singing with a heavy vibrato in her voice “Sheilaaaagh- “

  258. gh
    January 25th, 2007 at 5:41 pm [Reply]

    #253 zeeba neighba

    I figured one look-see didn’t tell the whole story, but I’ve enough on my plate with (DT)GT, et al. And I’m not touching that link!

  259. True Fable
    January 25th, 2007 at 5:45 pm [Reply]

    #250 – I see it as brain tumors are site specific, that is it’s right there in one malignant mass, while brain cancer just spreads throughout the cells. That’s why tumors can be excised through surgery – sometimes – and brain cancer has to be zapped with radiation or hit with chemo, neither of which does much good in at least two certain cases.

    :) I’m a cancer survivor too.

  260. True Fable
    January 25th, 2007 at 5:47 pm [Reply]

    #257 Lynngineering – omg, that is worse; much worse!

    Then Uncle Phil comes out with his Blappthaphone and braaps his way among the bookshelves.

    Cue the fleeing patrons!

  261. Harold
    January 25th, 2007 at 5:51 pm [Reply]

    #234 Saxman, just a little Buckaroo Bazai note: there actually was a sequel made…sort of. The “Buckaroo Banzai vs. the World Crime League” (or whatever it was called) reference in the end credits apparently was seriously floated as a movie idea. But in Hollywood, things change, rights expire, scripts get rewritten, people become detached from projects…so when it was made, the movie had lost all of its connections to the original, and was released as “Big Trouble in Little China.”

    Or so I’ve heard. On the Internet.

  262. galactic Emperor Chennux
    January 25th, 2007 at 5:53 pm [Reply]

    #247 Non-Shannon – HA! HA! MY EVIL PLAN IS WORKING! MY SKXCRITORT CHANGES DIMENSIONS AND HUMS THE THEME TO FUTURAMA IN ANTICIPATION!

    END TRANSMISSION!

  263. Non-Shannon
    January 25th, 2007 at 5:53 pm [Reply]

    While we’re talking about weird brain tumors, I just wanted to tell everyone that I once had a pituitary tumor, just like Andre the Giant! And yes, that makes me part of his “posse.”

  264. Harold
    January 25th, 2007 at 5:55 pm [Reply]

    I imagine “I’m an old woman and I’m going to die!” would look great if it were inserted into the speech balloons of various other characters. Mary Worth…Ella Byrd…Cathy…Lizardbreath…

    Anybody up to it?

  265. stewart
    January 25th, 2007 at 5:55 pm [Reply]

    #217 — divorce. I had wondered what the deal was there, but it was recently explained — maybe for the first time ever, as far as I know — that Joan’s husband had abandoned her. So there you go.

  266. Non-Shannon
    January 25th, 2007 at 5:56 pm [Reply]

    #262: The theme to Futurama? That’s funny, because my real name is Leila (pronounced like Leela).

    …You can tell I’m getting a lot done at work today!

    Wait a minute, your junk can change dimensions? How drastically are we talkin’ here?

  267. MossMoses
    January 25th, 2007 at 5:58 pm [Reply]

    Yesterday was Neil Diamond’s birthday. Would an aging crooner like him be welcome at Charterstone or would it be a problem for the resident wasps that he is non-gentile? At least the artist could probalby draw him and he is really ripe for meddling now that he’s washed up and destitute.

  268. Mibbitmaker
    January 25th, 2007 at 5:59 pm [Reply]

    #231: That sounds like something Dwight Schrute from “The Office” would do at a client meeting.

  269. Prehumous
    January 25th, 2007 at 6:02 pm [Reply]

    Bah, we’ve all survived Dick Tracy, Funky Winkerbean and Mark Trail. Really, there’s nothing that Chennux can do to us that’s worse than that.

  270. Allie Cat
    January 25th, 2007 at 6:07 pm [Reply]

    #265 – Stewart – maybe a few years back, Joan’s ex-husband came into town with a new, young girlfriend and a motorcycle – checking up on Max, etc. His name, if memory serves, is Leon, and he’s kind of a bad boy who never grew up – he’s the anti-Wally. Which in a way, explains Max. As my father would say, piss-poor protoplasm.

    I occasionally check in on Stone Soup, but I was irritated when they decided to make Joan pregnant. Especially because as everyone before me has mentioned, of the fact that nobody ever ages.

  271. cheech wizard
    January 25th, 2007 at 6:09 pm [Reply]

    259/263 – But the 800-lb. gorrilla of all brain tumors, glioblastomas, are diffused throughout the brain, sort of like tentacles. That’s one of the things that makes them so difficult to treat. It’s rare that even low-grade brain tumors can be removed completely, due to these tendrils.

    Glad to hear that both you and Non-Shannon are ok. Oh, and N-S – the fudge was terrific! Thanks a million. Unfortunately, I botched the cookies I was going to send your way and the holidays ended before I could make another batch. Sorry.

  272. Santa Klaus (the German Santa)
    January 25th, 2007 at 6:27 pm [Reply]

    If you really want Santa to bring you a copy of Photoshop, send a photo of Gadge Cubic and Poteet naked, holding ubiquiducks in their hands and dancing atop Molly.

    Santa will consider your plaintive plea.

  273. stewart
    January 25th, 2007 at 6:27 pm [Reply]

    270 — Actually, I don’t mind Stone Soup so much — I wouldn’t go out of my way to read it, but I don’t skip over it with a moue of distaste. I think at first I just read it because when you first start reading this strip, it takes frickin’ FOREVER to figure out the relationships! For at least a year, I thought Holly was horny for her cousin! It took me a long time to figure out that Andy not only wasn’t Joan’s kid, he’s not even Wally’s kid!

    Actually, what disappoints me about the pregnancy is the fact that I kinda liked the fact that Wally was the best parent in the strip, but wasn’t biologically related to any of the kids!

  274. jules
    January 25th, 2007 at 6:36 pm [Reply]

    #264 Harold – my votes for characters to say “I’m an old woman and I’m going to die!” are as follows:

    1. Mrs. Lockhorn.
    2. “Momma’s” daughter (I forget her name).
    3. Rex Morgan.

  275. AwfulArt
    January 25th, 2007 at 6:51 pm [Reply]

    Friend of mine sent me this today. Was sent to her, worth the read. Very good cartoon…

    Hi Jeanne Below is a BLOG address that I use to read in the papers when I lived in Israel and now it is on the computer WEB sights. The address is: http://www.drybonesblog.blogspot.com/ Today’s is an interesting one John

  276. Mr. O’Malley
    January 25th, 2007 at 6:54 pm [Reply]

    263. If you were part of Andre’s posse as described in this article, then I am very impressed!

  277. MossMoses
    January 25th, 2007 at 7:02 pm [Reply]

    274. Jules, aren’t you forgetting a certain meddlesome old biddy?

  278. Trotzenbonnie
    January 25th, 2007 at 7:04 pm [Reply]

    #243 – Lake Charles LA? Can I be a bridesmaid if I dust off my Cabaret costume? I can be there after the Krewe of Noblesse ball.

  279. Laura c
    January 25th, 2007 at 7:04 pm [Reply]

    213 & 90 – I don’t think Google was mentioned at all in the strip. In fact, it said he had been looking for her for three years which would be enough time to go through various legal proceedings (petitioning a court to unseal the adoption information and original birth certificate, etc.) If he found her name that way he could then use the Internet to find her or more likely hire a private investigator who could email him with the news that his mother had been found.
    Oh, and Jerome Kern wrote “Smoke Gets In Your Eyes.”
    And, last night on “The Streets of San Francisco” Jeff Cory guest-starred. Do the MW writers get all their character names from has-been character actors?

  280. Mr. O’Malley
    January 25th, 2007 at 7:09 pm [Reply]

    34. I just made a strange discovery about the One Big Happy comic strip.

    There’s a simple explanation. Look at the copyright date.

    If you go to the Houston Chronical site, you get one strip:

    From 2007

    If you go to the “goComics” website you get an entirely different strip:

    From 2005

    And you go to the comics.com site you get yet another strip:

    From 2001

    I checked each site out for the past three weeks and sure enough, every strip is different from the other sites. This brings up a few questions. First of all, what would be the purpose of sending three different sets of strips to three different sites?

    That I don’t know.

    Is the cartoonist that prolific that he can afford to do this?

    He’s not prolific, but maybe he gets a separate payment for each one. Though if he can pull that off, I wonder why other artists don’t do the same.

    Perhaps he switched syndicates twice and his old syndicates are getting revenge by re-selling his old strips. Does anyone know the answer?

    Thirdly, I haven’t made any all-inclusive survey of sites, but something tells me that there are still other websites out there that carry yet another set of strips.

    Quite possible, since there are some years still not used.

  281. Chromium
    January 25th, 2007 at 7:15 pm [Reply]

    I’d like to add to the people giving props to Stone Soup. It’s not spectacular, but it’s better than a lot of junk on the comics pages. It’s sort of like a version of FOOB that’s actually funny. Also, Holly strikes me as a human version of Bucky Katt.

  282. Poteet
    January 25th, 2007 at 7:15 pm [Reply]

    # 217 & 265 — Zeeba and Stewart, Joan’s ex showed up a few years ago, bimbo-ish new girlfriend in tow, and proposed taking Max away for a road trip in his RV, over Joan’s objections. Max ended up not going, can’t remember why — possibly Bimbo Girlfriend realized just in time that she’d have to do all the work. But Ex was obviously an irresponsible jerk. I often find Joan irritating, and I think Max takes after the worst of both of them. Okay, done now, and will try to shut up about SS for another several weeks.

  283. Marion Delgado
    January 25th, 2007 at 7:17 pm [Reply]

    There hasn’t been a period in a comic balloon since Greg Evans couldn’t use hte WORD period in Luann.

  284. Poteet
    January 25th, 2007 at 7:20 pm [Reply]

    # 270 — Sorry, Allie Cat, I was distracted in the middle of writing my post and stayed online for so long that I didn’t have a chance to see yours. I thought it was an RV, but motorcycle makes sense, and yes, I remember Leon as the name. And apparently you and I think alike about Max:-).

  285. Marion Delgado
    January 25th, 2007 at 7:30 pm [Reply]

    Les speaks for us ALL

    YEAH … THE HITS
    JUST KEEP ON COMING,
    DON’T THEY?

  286. Poteet
    January 25th, 2007 at 7:30 pm [Reply]

    # 270 — Sorry, just one more, Allie Cat — I was irritated about the pregnancy too. I have known mothers who handled two kids with impressive aplomb, but I bet Joan won’t be one of them. And a baby and Max screaming in chorus for the next ten years? Yep, I may bail.

  287. Poteet
    January 25th, 2007 at 7:32 pm [Reply]

    # 272 — Santa, you’re actually the Wizard of Oz, aren’t you?

  288. Chromium
    January 25th, 2007 at 7:34 pm [Reply]

    212, Harold – Thanks to the Duck and Cover blog (which is awesome and which everyone should be reading), the answer has been revealed: the Chinese kid is actually holding a hamburger, but the colorist messed it up. It had been freaking me out, too. (Like, yesterday he whines that he can’t draw a racist caricature, so he draws an indistinct blob instead? WTF?)

  289. True Fable
    January 25th, 2007 at 7:34 pm [Reply]

    Santa, I’d be willing to forget Photoshop altogether if I could get a photo of Poteet naked, with or without a ubiquiduck. But somehow I doubt she would go for that, so meh.

    I’ll settle for a sketch pad and a #2 pencil and a repaired scanner then.

  290. Randy S
    January 25th, 2007 at 7:37 pm [Reply]

    280: Thanks. I hadn’t noticed the copyright on the strip itself because it’s too small to read, and even if I open it up in my PaintShop and zoom into it, the resolution is pretty low.
    The date listed above the strip is the current date, which IMO is highly misleading
    I did notice after posting that the comics.com site lists it as ‘One Big Happy Classics’ which perhaps makes it excusable.

  291. Marion Delgado
    January 25th, 2007 at 7:41 pm [Reply]

    104: When I was wildland fire, it was like that, too. The technical term is “hurry up and wait.”

    I bet a lot of them will learn to be really excellent poker players.

  292. Marion Delgado
    January 25th, 2007 at 7:42 pm [Reply]

    By the way, I think the reason Berenice’s parents gave up Sgt. York for adoption was that he’s black. I bet that’s an important subplot, cribbed from “Gray’s Anatomy”.

  293. Jack Drake
    January 25th, 2007 at 7:52 pm [Reply]

    216 – Ok, that is more than a little frightening… to dip into the obscure, then, would a FOOB coat of arms be on a field Fretty, Sable and Argent (since everything in the Foob o’ verse is Black and White).

    Go Heraldry
    –Jack

  294. Poteet
    January 25th, 2007 at 7:58 pm [Reply]

    # 289 — True Fable, you’d choose a photo of me over Photoshop? Now THAT’S a compliment (blush). But I want you to have Photoshop so I can see the results. C’mon, Santa, I take it back about the Wizard of Oz. Please come through. Besides, I believe T.F. about those greenies.

  295. kat
    January 25th, 2007 at 8:01 pm [Reply]

    FOOB: Dear God, someone has actually displayed a snarky, realistic, sensible, AWESOME emotion. Thanks be to you, April, for mimicking the cartwheels our irises have been doing for months. Now, I urge you to toss your coffee in your mother’s eyes and smack Liz over the head with the empty mug.

  296. Cornwhacker
    January 25th, 2007 at 8:13 pm [Reply]

    When I read “I’m an old woman and I’m going to die!” in JP today, my first thought was “That’s has to go on a t-shirt.”
    And here it is, nearly 300 comments into this thread and I don’t see anyone else who feels that way. I must be an awful person.

  297. Aaron
    January 25th, 2007 at 8:16 pm [Reply]

    Is it just me or does Bernice’s brother bear a striking resemblance to Subway’s Jared Fogle?

  298. Dean Booth
    January 25th, 2007 at 8:17 pm [Reply]

    Geez, how can I keep up with all these comments?! I’m already 200 behind.

    Here’s a stream of consciousness Judge Parker thing.

  299. Dean Booth
    January 25th, 2007 at 8:20 pm [Reply]

    Oops, that’s not JP, it’s RMMD!

  300. Red Greenback
    January 25th, 2007 at 8:28 pm [Reply]

    #245- AHA! I just sat on my pipe!

  301. Tonstant Weader
    January 25th, 2007 at 8:30 pm [Reply]

    Say what you will about the repressed homoeroticism in Beetle Bailey — Jughead over there appears to be competing for a role in Brokeback Mountain 2: This time it’s Riverdale.

    Three straight days of the Patterson women going into gape-jawed, squinty-eyed hysterics? I’m sure this is what hell is really like.

  302. Red Greenback
    January 25th, 2007 at 8:40 pm [Reply]

    Photoshop, Schmotoshop! Scott Santis uses an Etch A Sketchâ„¢

  303. True Fable
    January 25th, 2007 at 8:43 pm [Reply]

    Scott Santis draws Gil Thorp?

    No WONDER they look like that…….

  304. Red Greenback
    January 25th, 2007 at 8:49 pm [Reply]

    RE Gil Thorp: Not an Etch A Sketchâ„¢ per se, more like storyboards for “Thunderbirds”….”I’m a marionette, your’e a marionette. This whole stinkin’ strip is marionettes!”

  305. jules
    January 25th, 2007 at 8:54 pm [Reply]

    #277 Moss Moses – Mary seemed too easy. (Ooh, that looks bad. But I’m leavin it!) I really want to hear Rex Morgan make that announcement!

  306. Uncle Lumpy
    January 25th, 2007 at 8:54 pm [Reply]

    Mmm . . . Lady Penelope!

  307. True Fable
    January 25th, 2007 at 8:57 pm [Reply]

    OH! I getcha.

    It’s Howdy Doody time! It’s Howdy Doody time!

    ….sounds like a song parody to me… hm….

  308. Red Greenback
    January 25th, 2007 at 9:04 pm [Reply]

    Actually, the Tbirds convey way more humanty than the GT cast, bless their wooden hearts…”Thunderbirds are GO!!!”

  309. True Fable
    January 25th, 2007 at 9:09 pm [Reply]

    And the Thunderbirds would totally blast Mrs. Wyche out of her foldable portable stadium seat.

  310. Aaron
    January 25th, 2007 at 9:12 pm [Reply]

    #34 Randy S:

    The reason the strips don’t match up is that they’re from different years. The ones on goComics are from 2003, and the ones from comics.com (called “One Big Happy classics”) are from 2001. I found this by editing the date in the chron.com URL to retrieve older strips.

  311. Caged Tygre
    January 25th, 2007 at 9:12 pm [Reply]

    Big Top: My fear would feed that clown for a year.

  312. Red Greenback
    January 25th, 2007 at 9:13 pm [Reply]

    International Rescue from the clutches of Gil Thorp

  313. Aaron T.
    January 25th, 2007 at 9:14 pm [Reply]

    Having just posted #310, I should clarify that I’m not the same Aaron as #297. sorry, Aaron.

    Aaron T.

  314. Red Greenback
    January 25th, 2007 at 9:30 pm [Reply]

    #307 –Hep me, peoples. What rhymes with “Doody”?

    I only got…
    It’s Howdy Doody time.
    It’s Howdy Doody time,
    My milkshake brings,
    All the boys to my Doody…
    after that…no mas.

  315. AeroSquid
    January 25th, 2007 at 9:42 pm [Reply]

    I said it before and I will say it again: Camp Swampy is an exclusive Military-Style Discipline Fetish Camp where a young man can stay for 20 or 30 years to discover his real sexuality.

  316. galactic Emperor Chennux
    January 25th, 2007 at 9:42 pm [Reply]

    #314 Red G. – Dooty. Fruity. Dudely. This is not rocket science! Snap out of it, man, there are comics to be lampooned!

  317. Red Greenback
    January 25th, 2007 at 9:44 pm [Reply]

    Thanks Master, I needed that.

  318. Stacia
    January 25th, 2007 at 9:44 pm [Reply]

    #185 Velvet Blog – if it’s any consolation, I didn’t know about that FOOBish development, but I’m a big honkin’ newbie. So that’s probably no consolation, but, in fact, a bit of an embarassment.

    #314 Red Greenback – there’s always “duty”, or “booty” if you want to work blue

  319. Caged Tygre
    January 25th, 2007 at 9:50 pm [Reply]

    My brother used to have an issue of this comic, but for some reason my mom threw it out before I had a chance to read it.
    I’m sure it’ll lift everyone’s spirit out of the “pit o’ despair.”

  320. Red Greenback
    January 25th, 2007 at 9:54 pm [Reply]

    Hey! How ’bout those FOOBS, huh? Looks like Totie Field’s sauna pants just sprung a leak! And Ann-Margeret….GRRRROWRR!…if that skirt was shorter, global warming would have occured way before Al Gore!

  321. commodorejohn
    January 25th, 2007 at 10:00 pm [Reply]

    I just realized that I have never before and will probably never again witness something so out of place as the word “Playstation” in today’s Gil Thorp. And what in the name of all that is good and holy is “Are you a man or a marionette?” supposed to mean?

    Also, heheheh, she wants him to “take her to the bucket,” am I right?

  322. teenchy
    January 25th, 2007 at 10:14 pm [Reply]

    #170: You mean “Durwood,” don’t you?

  323. Red Greenback
    January 25th, 2007 at 10:40 pm [Reply]

    My make-a wish foundation request(cough, cough!, hack!): I know some of you have got the skillz to remix Dagwood with “Deadwood”

  324. queek
    January 25th, 2007 at 10:45 pm [Reply]

    301: Brokeback Mountain 2 is subtitled “The Fur Traders.”

    I’ll leave it to you and google to determine why.

  325. Passerby
    January 25th, 2007 at 10:58 pm [Reply]

    Judging by Jughead’s face, I’d say that he’s looking at other parts of Archie’s anatomy with more intent than his eyes.

    Tongues speak louder than words, gentlemen. Tongues speak louder than words.

  326. Moon Mullins
    January 25th, 2007 at 11:00 pm [Reply]

    208: I always wondered why Archie has that pattern on the back of his head. What is that supposed to signify?

    I recall my grandfather pointing out Archie’s crosshatch to me when I was a little kid (it has been unchanged for decades). Grandpa said that when he was a young man in the 1930′s, Archie’s look was a very hip hairstyle for the day — sort of the way a ducktail or a mohawk would be in later ages. I don’t remember what it was called or how exactly one cuts his hair to make it happen, though.

  327. commodorejohn
    January 25th, 2007 at 11:14 pm [Reply]

    Maybe it’s a hairnet.

  328. Blynneda
    January 25th, 2007 at 11:17 pm [Reply]

    Please note: Today’s Garfield seems to have an alarming reference to the Oedipus complex, which may explain Jon Arbuckle’s lifelong inability to attract a girlfriend.

  329. Red Greenback
    January 25th, 2007 at 11:26 pm [Reply]

    RE Archie’s head: I’ll take Paul Lynde to block. Peter!

  330. Gadge Cubic, Mole Preener
    January 25th, 2007 at 11:32 pm [Reply]

    Jebus, people! 330 responses? Are you all a bunch of trustafarians with nothing better to do? Yeesh…

  331. Red Greenback
    January 25th, 2007 at 11:43 pm [Reply]

    #329 -Oopsie, I meant Archie’s “SKULLTURF”

  332. Poteet
    January 25th, 2007 at 11:43 pm [Reply]

    # 330 — Welcome back, Gadge! We’ve been asked to dance naked while holding ubiquiducks, in case you missed it.

  333. Marion Delgado
    January 25th, 2007 at 11:59 pm [Reply]

    Don’t ham it up too much robert or they’ll know we secretly WANT THEM to “bring it on” so we can kill them ALL with the …

    just don’t overdo it, Robert!

  334. Red Greenback
    January 26th, 2007 at 12:00 am [Reply]

    Gadge–How I wish that were true! Fact is; I worked like a beaver all my life and still have to work in my “golden years”…This blog helps keep my head above water, like the Evenses.

  335. Booper
    January 26th, 2007 at 12:12 am [Reply]

    #314 Red Greenback — How about: moody, Judy, cootie, patootie and, my all time favorite, root-toot-tootie.

  336. Marion Delgado
    January 26th, 2007 at 12:20 am [Reply]

    Oh, and WHO DID BROOKE MCELDOWNEY BLOW?

    “Congratulations to Brooke and 9 Chickweed Lane, winner of the 2006 National Cartoonist Society’s Award for Best Newspaper Comic Strip!”

    searching “backmudgeons” I see 2 others noted this. But so what? WTF? GOD? BIG BANG? MY LITTLE PONY? WHY HAVE YOU FORESAKEN MEEEEEEEEE!

    I suspect – strongly – that it followed up this insufferable Wisdom of the Thorax/Chris Hitchens Lite period:

    Running away is the coward’s way out of war… …appeasement is the cowards way into war. – Thorax (Brooke McEldowney)

    The timing’s almost exactly right.

    If it’s just the sexy drawings, Bigporn is way better than Dickweed Lane. ah! that’s online only, and this is a newspaper comic thing.

  337. Robert Dickson
    January 26th, 2007 at 12:21 am [Reply]

    Baby Blues – What kind of children’s dentist’s office has an illustrated book of medieval dentistry in the waiting room?

    FBoFW – Now all the Patterson women are crying. Hopefully, Deanna is staying far away from the house, lest she become as shallow and self-absorbed as the rest of them. Hopefully, Meredith will never grow old enough in this strip to be as childish as the other Patter-women.

    Mark Trail – So now are the beavers going to be trapped in that fence, and killed by the fire, or is the natural fireline created by all those trees they tore down going to save everyone and teach us an important lesson about not killing beavers?

  338. Poteet
    January 26th, 2007 at 12:24 am [Reply]

    1/26 –

    MW — I can imagine a situation in which the reunion of two elderly lovers in a foreign land, one of them ill and the other having traveled a long way to find and succor the ill one, could bring tears to my eyes. In this case, I feel ill myself.

    MT — I don’t know where this is headed, but the JackBall had better remember the Prime Directive — HOLFAPA! (Harm Off Limits For Appealing Protagonist Animals).

    RMMD — If every reader of this strip knows Niki is in eminent danger from Elvis, why hasn’t it occurred to June the Dimwit, especially since Niki told her? June, quick, take my advice, go back outside before…(Margo), now I’m turning into Mary Worth.

  339. Dicky
    January 26th, 2007 at 12:27 am [Reply]

    160, TB: Of course, he does! You know how those conservatives consider stem-cell research~ All killing, all the time.

    170, Richard: So does that mean that Bernice’s brother is in the closet and that his little rendezvous with his biological parents will somehow make him come out of the closet and this information will get to the Army and then he’ll be discharged from the Army under “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” by some random accusations? What a wealth of commentary on a number of topical subjects.

    212: Just make sure that you leave the bar before him.

    244, 251:
    I prefer going to the source for information: http://www.dieselsweeties.com/
    The male posing the question is an indie rock connoisseur, and as such, has to pose disdain for anything which is popular or mainstream. As the female is not of this population, his question is appropriate, though the phrasing is confusing. It’s essentially equivalent to asking someone what the color of the sky is in their world.
    From a cursory comparison of some of the beginning strips of the webcomic against the ones run in the paper, there are a few jokes that have been recycled and they’re “new” strips, with the timeline being back to where the webcomic started.

    315, AeroSquid: Okay, that’s sort of hot. But if you need twenty to thirty years of that to discover your real sexuality, I think there is more wrong with you…

    319, Ty: Damn, that’s something… What exactly is Casper’s true origin story? Has it ever been told?
    Wow, the LJ community that has that posted is… interesting…

  340. Gadge Cubic, Mole Preener
    January 26th, 2007 at 12:31 am [Reply]

    #332: Yes, I saw that – and atop Molly yet. Now where does one go about finding a ubiquiduck? (Slaps forehead in realization…)

    Uh-anyway: do ya think we should mebbe practice first before the actual photo-shoot?

  341. Marion Delgado
    January 26th, 2007 at 12:35 am [Reply]

    Since RMMD is the gayest thing since the Gay Nineties, why assume anything but ….

    Go ahead. Go for it, June! She won’t talk … who’d believe a meth addict? She hasn’t had a loving caress in years … get her talking about Elvis … men suck … come on, June … Rex won’t mind … no one has to know anything … Nikki needs a strong parental figure

    square caption balloon:

    [A trained professional, June realizes May will heal up as pretty as ever, without any unsightly scars - except to her SOUL!]

  342. Marion Delgado
    January 26th, 2007 at 12:36 am [Reply]

    I forgot to add “May realizes she has the comparative sexual stamina of a tweaker!”

  343. Poteet
    January 26th, 2007 at 12:47 am [Reply]

    # 340 — Gadge, thanks for offering to find the ubiquiducks. But alas, I have just realized that my little mental breakdown earlier today over the possible peril of being “first” and the associated tap-dancing have left me unfit to dance again for awhile. I hope you’ll feel free to go ahead and help the photoshop cause if you find the right duck. And thanks for the new word! Trustafarian, har.

  344. Gadge Cubic, Mole Preener
    January 26th, 2007 at 12:54 am [Reply]

    Sure: you’ll dance for the Galactic Emperor Chennux…but for me? *sniffle*…Oh sure, you saved the world and all…but ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT IS MY CANCER.

    “Cancer” is one of those lively brown furry things with short stumpy legs and great long noses, about a foot high, right? That eats ants?

    Ha. I could preen one of those any day.

  345. Richard Onley
    January 26th, 2007 at 12:54 am [Reply]

    #337: Robert Dickson says: “Baby Blues – What kind of children’s dentist’s office has an illustrated book of medieval dentistry in the waiting room?”

    Lio’s, probably . . .

  346. Dingo
    January 26th, 2007 at 1:00 am [Reply]

    Dr. Jeff is looking a bit jowly in that hospital bed. D’ya think he find pho fun or drink the “blood” of an Englishman?

  347. Dingo
    January 26th, 2007 at 1:04 am [Reply]

    #345 Richard Onley: Better to have an illustrated book of medieval dentistry than The Big British Book of Teeth.

    Poteet, what’s going on with you and Gadge? Hell, I’ll hand him the duck! (No Photoshop though until he lives up to the title of being a resident of the Cream City, n’est ce pais)

  348. Mibbitmaker
    January 26th, 2007 at 1:18 am [Reply]

    #319: That is one of the masterpieces of dark humor this side of Michael O’Donoghue. It comes from the best era of Crazy magazine, the 1st one. 1973 – the start of 1976, when it had an original voice, and was more a Lampoon-Mad kind of thing than pure Mad rip-off.

  349. Poteet
    January 26th, 2007 at 1:22 am [Reply]

    # 347 — Dingo, German Santa required that Gadge and I dance naked, holding ubiquiducks, on top of Molly, before he, Santa, would provide Photoshop to True Fable, because he, Santa, was not willing to settle for the really good greenies that True Fable was willing to provide, only I had already tap-danced earlier at Uncle Lumpy’s suggestion when I was “first,” and then gh warned me that being “first” and then lurking might be frowned upon by the Pope, only I hadn’t lurked, I’d gone to bed, so I was really upset, and…

    Geez, obviously I’m in no condition to dance naked with anyone. But I bet Gadge could do a great solo if the right ubiquiduck were available.

  350. Trilobite
    January 26th, 2007 at 1:29 am [Reply]

    January 26th’s The Phantom has a special suprise from the colorists: Now two of the crazed gunmen are blue!

    Theories:

    * They both ate a full dinner in a stick of gum and are moments away from swelling up into big blueberries.

    * They’re gonna smurf that smurfin’ old man up, and then go back and smurf the rest of the village.

    * They’ve coated themselves in woad in order to be scarier.

    * It’s unseasonably cold.

    * They know the Phantom could come after them, and have camoflaged themselves so they can hide in the old lady’s dress.

    * The tedium of the whole “goons go to village, and don’t do much there; goons go to old man, and don’t do much THERE, either” plot is sucking the air out of their lungs.

  351. Gadge Cubic, Mole Preener
    January 26th, 2007 at 1:37 am [Reply]

    Inspired by Antelope Freeway’s name, I present…a new cartoon!

  352. Spotted HØrse
    January 26th, 2007 at 1:38 am [Reply]

    #219 True Fable: Have you used Photoshop? If not, Photoshop Elements is pretty dern cheap, and acts as training wheels for real Photoshop. Adobe has a free trial version you can download.

    I bring this up because in my experience Santa has often disappointed, and in any case never provided so much as an ugly sweater during the off season.

  353. Mibbitmaker
    January 26th, 2007 at 1:42 am [Reply]

    (At the risk of getting in just as Josh posts a new thread…)

    1/26:

    FOOB: This so begs me to snark on something…but I just can’t find the correct angl– Hey! April! Don’t let your guard down now! You were doing so good yesterday…..oh, hell.

    FC: And he does turn his arm upside down – oh, so very literally – and freaks out Dolly so bad that it traumatized her for life. Even the kids’ pet cemetary didn’t accomplish that.

    S-M: The full, original dialogue at the end read: “One of us is leavin’ here in a pine box… and it won’t be Kurt Kordok!…whoever he is!”

    FW: …You mean like the false hope that FW will stop being so furshlugginer depressing and go back to the ’70s-’80s version?

    A3G: Gorgeous?! The man’s a twit, Gina. And with a moustache. That makes him a villian in Mark Trail… and worse in FOOB!

    BBailey: And Killer (who’s white again) totally misunderstands when all those gals want to go “doggie style”.

    Blondie: The sad part is, Dagwood was reading “Blondie”.

  354. Gadge Cubic, Mole Preener
    January 26th, 2007 at 1:43 am [Reply]

    #349: Yes – I would be like Bjork and her swan. Only the ubiquiduck would be bigger than her swan.

    #350: They are frustrated psychiatrists auditioning for the Blue Man Group.

  355. Spotted HØrse
    January 26th, 2007 at 1:44 am [Reply]

    #350 Trilobite:
    Margoin’ great theories! I especially enjoyed:

    They’re gonna smurf that smurfin’ old man up, and then go back and smurf the rest of the village.

    Let’s smurf like we smurfed last summer! No, that’s not it. Um, we’re on a Smurfin’ Safari! Never mind…
    Also, I enjoyed the woad.

  356. Spotted HØrse
    January 26th, 2007 at 1:46 am [Reply]

    #354 Gadge: You know what they say… big ubiquiduck, big doorbell.

  357. Gadge Cubic, Mole Preener
    January 26th, 2007 at 1:48 am [Reply]

    Apropos “Antelope Freeway” and my recent trip to California: in fact, we drove on the Antelope Freeway many times, since our friends live in Lancaster. The first few times we visited them, I would annoy everybody when we saw signs for the freeway (California State Rte. 14) by babbling, “Antelope Freeway, 1/4 mile…Antelope Freeway, 1/8 mile…” etc. etc. until someone hit me to make me shut up.

    At which point I’d say, “If you lived here you’d be home by now.” That would usually bring out the tire iron…

  358. Mr. O’Malley
    January 26th, 2007 at 1:53 am [Reply]

    Slylock Fox presents—BC: The Early Years

  359. Mr. O’Malley
    January 26th, 2007 at 1:57 am [Reply]

    350: Country woad, take me home
    Make me look like I belong
    Mawitaan, village mama,
    Take me home, country woad

  360. Chromium
    January 26th, 2007 at 2:04 am [Reply]

    Jesus Christ, if Josh doesn’t comment on the 1/26 Hagar the Horrible I may kill someone. Why is Hagar eyeing Lucky Eddie?!!

  361. Poteet
    January 26th, 2007 at 2:05 am [Reply]

    # 354 — BWAHAHA! Oops, sorry, Gadge. Bjork and her swan were lovely, actually.

    JP — Um, per the strip featured at the top of this post, I’m a non-old woman and I’m going to die. Everyone I know is going to die. I’ve never even heard of anyone who isn’t going to die. Personally I prefer not to dwell on that particular phase of my future, but it seems to me that as a statement of simple fact, Aunt Rachel’s declaration is hard to beat.

    And I will speculate again that Abbey gave the artist a generous bribe and Aunt Rachel failed to do so, because Abbey looks about five times better than the average woman her age, and Rachel looks ten times worse. As for Neddy, I think the bribe amount is still being negotiated, and that the final size of the bribe will determine the final size of Neddy’s bazooms.

  362. Dingo
    January 26th, 2007 at 2:09 am [Reply]

    It’s the shank of the evening and I’m currently imagining some vain overtanned Angeleno taking a tire iron to Gadge Cubic. Why, in my imagination, is he twisting his own nipples while this happens?

    Colette once wrote, “The best lips to kiss are those that taste of tears.” In addition to conjuring an image of Gadge’s sweet tears trickling down his face while some Orange County housewife uses a tire iron in his nether regions like a deluxe strap-on, what’s going on with comic strip artists and bad tears lately?

    FOOB1
    FOOB2
    Bear With Me!
    Rex Morgan

    These aren’t tears! It’s like some alien species is squirting blue Milk of Magnesia from their eyes!

    (I’d love to replace the two men in Bear With Me! with images of Susan and Liz)

  363. Marion Delgado
    January 26th, 2007 at 2:13 am [Reply]

    Lord Josh:

    For some reason the mail of spirit force is not working, so I must use your WuLi messages tablet. The miserable village which refused to celebrate your birthday because of the eclipse has been decimated. I could not alas have them all put to the sword – you will recall your orders to raise a militia to ransack Foobyuan.

    They have promised 12 virgins and a unicorn, and if the head of my eldest child must answer for the shame of failing in my duties, so be it!

  364. Dingo
    January 26th, 2007 at 2:13 am [Reply]

    #361 Poteet: BWA-HAW-HAW-HAW! “Bazooms” I haven’t heard that word since Match Game went off the air. Where’s Fannie Flagg?

  365. Dingo
    January 26th, 2007 at 2:18 am [Reply]

    Marion Delgado: The population of the village was reduced by one-tenth? Doesn’t that still leave enough people to raise a militia?

    Just keep your militia off of I65 next Sunday. There won’t be a sober Irishman anywhere between Chicago and Indianapolis.

  366. Poteet
    January 26th, 2007 at 2:33 am [Reply]

    # 364 — Just for research, Dingo, I googled bazooms and got about 40,000 hits. Apparently a lot of people still know what they are:-).

    And Bear With Me! is a fun read (I went through a few back strips). Thanks.

  367. Red Greenback
    January 26th, 2007 at 2:53 am [Reply]

    #357-Do your friends know Rancho Malario Clowdominium residents Buz and Bunny Krumhunger?

  368. Red Greenback
    January 26th, 2007 at 2:59 am [Reply]

    Of course, that is Clowndominium. And of course, who CARES?

  369. Goaty
    January 26th, 2007 at 3:07 am [Reply]

    MW — in the first panel of today’s MW…. maybe its just the way the sheets are arranged…. but I’m thinking Dr. Jeff Cory doesn’t just recognize her, but he’s “happy to see her” nudge nudge, wink wink.

  370. Marion Delgado
    January 26th, 2007 at 3:46 am [Reply]

    Dingo, yes, of course, but had I killed everyone in the village as Lord J …. as was perhaps suggested … well it is the only village near Foobyuan.

  371. What's wrong with Mallard Fillmore
    January 26th, 2007 at 4:02 am [Reply]

    Mallard Fillmore can’t even produce a lame citation in as amusing a fashion as does Jack Elrod. And Jack draws better ducks too.

  372. Young Lumpy
    January 26th, 2007 at 8:43 am [Reply]

    Pardon the intrusion, (comics aren’t my expertise)
    But nonetheless I hope you’ll let me stay and say my piece
    Cathy, Pluggers, Archie – they just leave me in a fog…
    Luann, Beetle, Marmaduke – (my, isn’t he a big dog?)
    But here I am curmudgeoning – which leaves me rather jumpy…
    I’d like to share with y’all a couple things ‘bout Uncle Lumpy:

    Betwixt his llama farming, he’s been known to write a verse
    About your favorite comics – by which I mean, the very worst
    He’ll fly into a tizzy over flagrant punctuation!!!??!?!
    And work it out by penning about Aldo’s Desperation
    No children’s tale is safe from Lumpy’s skillful imitation
    And he’ll draw his fellow ‘mudgeoners into each new creation

    But you might say “We know this!!?!?! – Why come to be redundant?;”
    Because I also want to Thank You! – with Gratitude Abundant!
    You see – a guy like Lumpy – with his interest in soap strips
    Has trouble finding conversations into which this interest slips
    But here a ‘glomeration of like-minded, well-spoke folks
    Where he can wax – poetic – whene’er a strip provokes

    Thanks to Comics Curmudgeon! Blog Supreme! Thank you Josh!
    For helping my fine father find an outlet for his Tosh
    And thank you for the honor you have chosen to bestow
    On “Guest Host Uncle Lumpy” – and with this I take my bow

  373. cheech wizard
    January 26th, 2007 at 9:48 am [Reply]

    339-Dicky: I always thought Casper was the disembodied spirit of Richie Rich…

  374. Bitter Scribe
    January 26th, 2007 at 2:04 pm [Reply]

    #95: David, “antiseptic squalor” is such a perfect phrase! Not only that, but it’s a great example of a TRUE oxymoron (which is NOT the same as “contradiction in terms”).

    [/pedantry]

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