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Or you could use her clothes as towels, since she doesn’t seem to be taking any of them

Rex Morgan, M.D., 8/31/15

Guys, let me take you on a magical journey back to 2007, when Milton Avery, not yet demented, was presumed dead after his plane crashed into the Atlantic. Heather’s stepson Hugh, who had never met Heather but was the same age as her and referred to her as a “gold-digging nanny,” immediately attempted to seize control of the Milton’s company, which Heather and company factotum Pete attempted to prevent, with help from Rex. Our heroes succeeded via confusing boardroom skullduggery; eventually, Heather and Hugh made peace, Milton turned out to not be dead after all and, in a plot point I never quite understood, Pete was secretly trying to kill everybody the whole time.

ANYWAY, here we are a mere eight years later, and Heather is apparently planning to use the last shreds of Milton’s lucidity in a heist-like manuever to gain control of the company for good, right under the nose of Avery International’s taco (?) loving security staff. Presumably once her poor husband manages to smile amiably and sign whatever documents the lawyers put in front of him, he’ll be bundled off to a drafty castle in his native Britain, to “rest,” while Heather runs (and profits from) his financial empire. The only question is how Jordan will attempt to betray her.

Mary Worth, 8/31/15

Meanwhile, Toby is leaving Ian and taking all the linens with her. Sheets? Towels? Pillowcases? You won’t have access to any of those in your new post-marital existence, Ian. Hope you enjoy getting out of the shower and flopping your soggy body onto your uncovered mattress, because that’s your life now.

Funky Winkerbean, 8/31/15

“You know what they say: I keep getting older, I keep using increasingly transparent philosophical maunderings to justify my sexual obsession with teenage girls!”

Your precious poetry can’t save you now, professor

Family Circus, 8/29/15

Ma and Pa Keane are honestly not very good at keeping their children’s minds from being contaminated by content from outside the Keane Kompound. Why, here little Dolly and Jeffy are being allowed to watch a bearded jazz-man play his devilish tunes! They could even be taping this on the VCR and watching it repeatedly if they wanted! Don’t their parents know that the line that begins with Dave Brubeck leads directly to morphine addiction?

Mary Worth, 8/29/15

NOOOOOO IAN AND TOBY, DON’T GET DIVORCED! YOU’RE AMERICA’S SWEETHEARTS! I feel like because I cheered on their fight for my own entertainment I’m at least partially responsible for this.

Funky Winkerbean, 8/29/15

If Les can’t be fired for being a smug, grandiose dick, maybe he can be fired for pushing religion in public schools.

Comments, we’ve got comments … of the WEEEEEK

♫ Gotta love this week’s top funniest comment! ♫

“Billy is setting his sights too high in aspiring to grow up to be a dog.” –lumaca morente

♫ And the runners up are pretty funny TOOOOOO! ♫

“I’m wondering how long the human statue with the sword can hold that pose before he has to change it. If he’s really that good, though, he’d probably be working at The Venetian.” –Fritz Goebel, on Facebook

“Hat on… backwards?! Mind blown.” –Adam Clarke, on Twitter

“In case you missed my big triton, I’ve got a triton belt buckle and a triton tattooed on my left calf (next to Grateful Dead bears).” –norbizness, on Twitter

Prediction: Spider-Man spends no less than 2 weeks trapped in a giant clam.” –TheGiantHead, on Twitter

“Don’t bother changing clothes, honey. The Beachcomber’s dress code requires male patrons to look like vaudeville comedians from the 1920′s.” –Doctor Handsome

“So Peter’s spider-sense, realizing that there is a water-based supervillain on the warpath, has decided to make him blurt out that he wants to go to a tropical island even though he actually does not. Good job trying to kill your master, spider-sense. Too bad it won’t work, again.” –Laura

“Man, today’s panel is layers deep. Dennis has abandoned colorful pj’s in favor of a black tee, looking more teen than tot. Our beloved scamp is thoughtfully placed halfway between an innocent children’s toy and a trendy fitted cap from the mall kiosk. Yes, there came a time in all of our lives when our acts of rebellion turned from precocious to premeditated. Dennis knows he has reached the age of accountability and offers up a sober minded plea to his Savior before donning his red cap, grabbing his baseball bat and hopping out the window on a crime spree.” –Tonya

“Later that day, Mark returns to the sunken seaplane to conduct tests. ‘Listen up, you inanimate rods! This is a pop quiz. Question one: Are any of you emitting neutrons? Question two: Are you undergoing beta decay? Question three: Are you emitting positively charged alpha particles? Come on, guys, answer me, or I’ll have to get rough! Bonus question: Are you now, or have you ever been, exposed to ionizing radiation? OK, that’s how you want to play it, eh? Meet my crushing right cross!’” –Voshkod

That gives me an idea, Ken: let’s call the coast guard or the EPA! I bet they have lots of geiger counters, better diving equipment, and the expertise to actually contain and dispose of radioactive waste! Ha ha, no, just kidding, let’s try to lure it into a bear cave, or maybe toss it in a hippo’s mouth…” –pugfuggly

Judge Parker: “All of this confusion could have been avoided if Neddy and Rocky had developed a written business plan, a written contract vetted by attorneys for both sides, and opened a business account with a bank. Instead we get make-it-up-as-you-go construction and business partners disappearing on a whim. This entire enterprise reminds me of the old Mickey Rooney & Judy Garland ‘Hey, kids, let’s put on a show!’ trope. I don’t mean that in a good way, because I can’t stand Mickey Rooney.” –I speak Jive

“Wow, Ken, did you ever look at your finger? I mean, really look at it? Now, what was that idea you said you had?” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“If I had a nickel for every time one of my nightmares ended with Carrot Top blowing someone away, I would be a very, very rich man, my friends.” –Jack loves comics

“Believe me, Toby, a person who wears an Astroturf sport coat is a lot of things, but ‘pompous’ isn’t one of them.” –TheDiva

“It’s a little late in the game for Toby to realize Ian is a pompous boor. It was probably noted in their wedding vows.” –Rusty

“Marvin ‘prepares to drive off with a full load’ and wonders ‘where he can dump his cargo.’ No, I’m sorry. This is too easy. It must be a trap.” –AhClem

“Wait! Don’t just walk away from me! I have so many more fake ice cream names to belittle you with! Like ‘Failure Fudge’ and ‘Drain on Society Ripple’ and ‘Mint Chocolate I Hate You So Much I Could Just Scream and Scream and Never Stop Screaming.’” –Joe Blevins

“I’m just going to assume that Mark Trail helped Lesley’s car in delivering a breech-baby calf, and she’s still traumatized from having to help lick the placental tissue off an infant Dodge Neon.” –Chip Whittle

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