Main content:

Metapost: COTW read aloud!

GUYS, don’t forget that The Internet Read Aloud, my biweekly live comedy show in Los Angeles, is happening this coming Thursday, in Los Angeles! Here’s the Facebook event, check it out!

OK, and now: your comment of the week!

“MJ is always careful to look her best when she wears that all-purple outfit. She knows that with grape power comes grape responsibility.” –Shrug

And your runners up! Very funny!

“Of the 537 British detective series available on Netflix, Herpes Carp is the 3rd most focused on angling.” –Downpuppy

“I got here as soon as I read about the Australian fish STDs! [puff, puff] Has anyone said ‘carp clap’ yet? [puff, puff]” –Ukulele Ike

‘Your friend Stephen is very nice, Peter.’ ‘I doubt if Baron Mordo or the dread Dormmamu would agree with you, honey.’ ‘Goddammit, Peter! Can’t we just talk occasionally?'” –Joe Blevins

“Cool, real cool. I’m sitting here at my underpaying, unsatisfying dead end job while Glinda is running around helping out one individual chicken live a better life. Thanks a lot.” –Chareth Cutestory

“I can only guess that this sudden outpouring of largesse means that Billy thinks he’s dying.” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“One of the main side effects of Vicodin use is constipation which apparently gets worse as it is abused. I am looking forward to Mary administering an enema to Tommy as she quotes Albert Camus.” –Mikey

“That’s the sound effect we get for that scene, really? Just … ‘Crunch?’” –Joe Btfsplk

“Great, now I need to learn an instrument write a bunch of songs and form a band so this can be our album cover.” –Gregory Adams, on Facebook

“You all are expecting drama to come. This is the happy conclusion to this story. (Mary Worth, brought to you by Pfizer Laboratories.)” –Johnnycakes

“Of all the creatures that call the briny blue their home, none is more feared by sailors than the Sea Mime.” –pugfuggly

“So, if I’m reading perspective correctly in Judge Parker, young Sophie’s legs barely go up to the top of a minivan wheel. Is she sitting in a state approved booster seat?” –Voshkod

“Thank you, Mary Worth, for raising awareness about the dangers of growing out your hair like some kind of hippie teenager.” –John Salerno, on Facebook

“So, are the two hot dogs orbiting around Honey’s ass or just levitating behind it reverently?” –Aphthakid

“I see Loretta has found a way to experience joy, or least a reasonable facsimile: getting really, really high.” –Alan

“My dream is to live in a town with only one bass player and no drummers.” –Tim Pendergast, on Facebook

“I can tell how emotionally invested I am in the Funky Winkerbean characters by noting that my first thought reading today’s strip was an irritated ‘Darin should have fallen into the ocean, not onto the deck.’” –Naked Bunny with a Whip

“Darin! I knew we shouldn’t have worn the de rigueur head to toe black of smugglers against a pale blue sky! Oh, struck down by fashion again.” –Joe Momma

“Looks like the end of another Darin’ adventure! Ha ha, we’ve had fun here today, but you know what’s not fun? Cancer. No PSA coming, just thought I’d bring that up.” –Dan

“What do you think is the funniest part of today’s Mother Goose and Grimm? Is it the man in cage so small that he cannot move for so long that his beard is growing through the bars? Or the bones of dead rats scattered around the floor? For me, the hilarity is in the fact that the speaker’s manacles are twice as big as his hands: he could walk away from this nightmare at any time if he had an ounce of sanity left, but he doesn’t. Ha-ha-ha!!” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! And let’s give thanks to our advertisers:

  • Bluebeards Original is proud to join The Comics Curmudgeon as an advertiser! Company owner Paul Kaniewski is a longtime follower of this site, to the point that it inspired him to created the famed Aldo Kelrast MySpace profile. Bluebeards has been making top-rated beard care products for ten years now, so any bearded folks or those that love them, please check out the site and try their stuff.
  • Oh, yes, and my novel is something you should buy, in hardback, paperback, or ebook form! It’s called The Enthusiast, and it’s about trains, comics, stealth marketing, capitalism, and joy

If you’d like to buy advertising on the site, you can do so on a CPM basis through BuySellAds. To find out more, you can go to my BuySellAds page or just click here.

Deathly Friday

Hagar the Horrible, 7/22/16

One fun thing about strips set in the past is to see which aspects of the strip’s world are kept accurate and which are allowed to drift into anachronisms. For instance, for this joke we have to understand that, unlike actual 10th century Norway, Hagar’s milieu includes hotels, honeymoons, room service, and brochures. But at least it doesn’t include file cabinets. Thank god. That would’ve been a bridge too far! No, Hagar and Helga just keep their treasured memories in an actual treasure chest, the way real Vikings did.

Funky Winkerbean, 7/22/16

Haha, remember earlier this week when I mentioned how hard it is for readers to reconcile the new-style Funkyverse gloom with old-style wacky hijinks? Well, I guess it was hard for the author, too! Anyway, beloved Funky Winkerbean character Darin, biological son to tragically dead Lisa, is now himself tragically dead, shot through the heart in front of his best friend by a scared, angry sailor in the midst of wacky hijinks/attempted piracy. He is survived by his loving wife, who lost her father to an act of violence years ago, and his infant son. He will be missed.

Mother Goose and Grimm and Shoe, 7/22/16

Here’s a couple syndicated newspaper comics about old, wizened dudes defiantly and somewhat derangedly sneering at their looming, inevitable death, in what is definitely not a metaphor for the medium as a whole at all, no sir!

Honey’s really missing out on an opportunity for erotic hot-dog eating here

Judge Parker, 7/21/16



CEO: What the hell is this?

DIRECTOR OF YOUTH MARKETING AND BRAND AWARENESS: Uh, I think it’s a … newspaper? I don’t subscribe to one myself, but…

CEO: No, this comic strip. What in the name of God are we doing in this thing?

DIRECTOR OF YOUTH MARKETING AND BRAND AWARENESS: Oh, that! That’s part of our big spend on native content for the quarter, sir.

CEO: So we paid for this. To reach out to … teens?

DIRECTOR OF YOUTH MARKETING AND BRAND AWARENESS: Yes, sir! You can see from the characters that it’s a teen-oriented strip.

CEO: …

DIRECTOR OF YOUTH MARKETING AND BRAND AWARENESS: I mean, just look at the characters! A multi-ethnic group, engaging in drama. If there’s one thing our research shows that teens love, it’s drama.

CEO: …

DIRECTOR OF YOUTH MARKETING AND BRAND AWARENESS: Just a group of diverse teens, in a band, participating in drama, enjoying Monster Energy beverages. Well worth the $450,000 we spent for the placement!

CEO: [presses button on desk] Security, please come to my office.

Lockhorns, 7/21/16

Man, if I knew someone who sent out paper invitations to parties instead of just creating Facebook events for them, I probably wouldn’t visit their Facebook page either. If they don’t use Facebook even for one of its most popular and useful features, then their Facebook page is probably hella boring.