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What this vast fortune needs is a private army to spend it on

Judge Parker, 5/2/15

Say what you will about Judge Parker, but it is not afraid to play the long game. Remember way back in May of 2013, when Sophie casually mentioned that wars interest her? Well, that interest is not just academic. Sophie understands that she’ll probably have to spend a few years on the battlefield to gain experience and cred, of course, but she no doubt rightfully assumes that her coldly calculating intellect will quickly catapult her up the ranks until she’s planning major campaigns from deep in her underground bunker, ordering cities to be wiped out with a mere gesture. Honey Ballenger will be sorry she stole away prevented Sophie from stealing away Derek then, in that brief moment before the flash vaporizes her and everyone she’s ever known.

Momma, 5/2/15

Sure, there are a lot of problems with America’s profit-focused health care system, but look on the bright side: maybe it will kill Momma!

Pluggers, 5/2/15


I mean

This is just literally what oral tradition is

You haven’t put a plugger twist on it all

Come on now


Metapost: Another wee little COTW

Hey guys! Just a short comment of the week list from the second half of the week — your Uncle Lumpy loved you all too much this week to pick and choose your favorite comments. But first: if you gave during the fundraiser, you should’ve gotten an email by now with a link to a survey where you can let me know what reward, if any, you want. If you haven’t gotten one yet, please email me at and I’ll send you the link. (UPDATE: It turns out that due a goof on my part, I found at least five donors that I didn’t send emails to! You may have just gotten a note just now. And if you haven’t please definitely email me!) About 20% of you haven’t filled it out yet, and I can’t send you your reward if you haven’t filled it out! And even if you don’t want anything, please take a minute to fill it out to tell me so — otherwise I’m going to go a little crazy worrying you never got the email.

Anyway! That housekeeping done, here’s your comment of the week:

“Now think about this — if you had never read this comic before, you would see a toddler writing/drawing his ‘diary’ from his diaper days, with CRAYONS, and refusing to go to sleep when placed in his crib. There is absolutely NO mention of excrement. Their Pavlovian experiment has been successful — we only have to see Marvin to think ‘poop joke.’ Our minds have been trained to see what’s not there. I consider this to be more menacing than any Dennis cartoon.” –Arabella

And your very funny runners up!

I SENSED SOMEBODY behind me — But it’s honestly a little difficult to sense anything with you so uncomfortably close and your head on my shoulder, Natasha. Do you realize you’re doing it? Is this intentional? Let’s keep this a strictly working relationship, all right? I’ve already got one wife I don’t care about, I don’t need another.” –Jack loves comics

Funky Winkerbean: “Les struggles to remember what ‘joking’ means. ‘It’s … like passive-aggressive punning, only funny?’ he hazards.” –Horace Broon

“Just when the ‘Is this Dress White or Bue’ started to die down, Pluggers drags us all back in.” –maltmash3r

“The income Henry earns clicking the ‘REJECT’ button on insurance forms is communal property, shared by The Missus. Dennis will learn this after his first divorce.” –Johnny Knuckles

“Didn’t Mark Trail stop a charging hippopotamus once by jamming a flaming tree branch in its mouth? So Mark should be able to stop the forest fire by jamming a charging hippopotamus into the flaming trees.” –KreatureFeatures

“That cyclops just invoked the name of Mistofer, the Dark Lord of The Revenuer! Hide yer still, Snuffy, The Man has his eye on you!” –Mumblix Grumph

“I haven’t been following Mark Trail too closely, but don’t tell me that Emerald Ash Borer Beetles have discovered the secret of making fire! Don’t worry about telling everyone, nice bureaucrat lady; we’re all doomed now.” –Joe Momma

“And then she trips over another branch and her hair falls down and oh my God she was conventionally attractive all along.” –C. Sandy Cyst

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! If you’d like to buy advertising on the site, you can do so on a CPM basis through BuySellAds. To find out more, you can go to my BuySellAds page or just click here.

It’s taken years of physical training to get his face to do this

Funky Winkerbean, 5/1/15

Guys, I did not have a particularly fun time socially for a lot of high school. At one point I got voted out of my lunch table. Once I did start making friends, as a senior, many of them were kids I met through debate who went to other schools. When I was 28, I got an email via (haha, remember from my graduating class’s power couple, who were somehow still together and organizing the 10-year-reunion; even though I didn’t have any interest in going, my girlfriend at the time told me to write back and ask to be put on the mailing list in order to get all the good gossip. Despite my request, I was not, in fact put on the mailing list.

So you’d think I’d be primed to identify with Les in the current Funky Winkerbean storyline, in which the most popular girl from his graduating class is skipping town and strong-arming him into taking her place and organizing a reunion for a bunch of people who used to hold him in contempt. The fact that I feel not an iota of sympathy for him is a testament to his true unlikeability as a character. Even if this today’s strip is your first exposure to him, I think you can get a sense of this. Look at that face! That face is a smirk so intensely smug that it’s crossed the line into full-on muscle spasm.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 5/1/15

Seems that today’s Snuffy Smith was determined to do its own version of the classic “How do you get to Carnegie Hall?” gag, only to end up grappling with the fact that the only job in this impoverished subsistence-farming community that requires any degree of formal training is the lone clergyman’s post — and sadly, the current parson is a theologically unlearned grifter.

Mark Trail, 5/1/15

Oh, hello nice bureaucrat lady! Did you think you could defeat nature with some well-meaning government programs? Well you can’t. Nature is full of floods and flames and it will not obey you.

Wizard of Id, 5/1/15

Meanwhile, in the Wizard of Id, the king is going to fuck some money.