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Monday one-liners

Heathcliff, 10/27/14

After a nightmarish curse left the town’s inhabitants irrevocably transformed, the damned souls are taking hesitant steps towards recognizing one another and reclaiming some part of their lost humanity.

Funky Winkerbean, 10/27/14

Just another day in the teachers’ lounge, laughing it up about the endless parade of genetic defectives that make up Westview’s children!

Crankshaft, 10/27/14

Although 10 years earlier kids in the nearby town of Centerville went on a violent, terrifying rampage when Crankshaft’s family ran out of candy, so maybe Les and his cronies are right to view the local youth with mingled contempt and disgust.

Spider-Man, 10/27/14

Despite his best efforts, Spider-Man will in fact be rescued from his primary antagonist by his secondary antagonist.

Apartment 3-G, 10/27/14

NO MARGO YOU JUST STARTED TALKING OUT LOUD THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT YOU SAID YOU’RE SAYING YOU WANT TO DO

Mostly maulings

Panels from Slylock Fox, 10/26/14

Today’s Slylock Fox Six Differences puzzle takes place in that awkward period after the animals achieved sapience but before they had truly taken over the Earth. Our grumpy park ranger’s face may bear the scowl of prejudice, but his cause is legit: if this bear can now think and reason like humans, shouldn’t he be subject to the same law? Eventually the animals would develop their own cargo cult legal system in response to these issues, but at this moment, I assume that, despite his newfound intellectual powers, the bear here is still more than happy to meet aggression animal-style, with his claws.

Dennis the Menace, 10/26/14

At last, Dennis the Menace has shattered the unspoken rule that all characters in the daily comics must be gentiles! We learn a valuable lesson here today: that little Jewish children and little Christian children can be friends, so long as neither of them understands any of the theology behind their various holidays and just think of them as “that thing we celebrate in [insert season here],” and also agree to come together at the end of October to worship Satan. (Side note: I’m going to accept as canon the clear implication in today’s throwaway panels that Margaret is a well-known anti-Semite.)

Mary Worth, 10/26/14

There are lots of good reasons to wish that Frank Zappa was still alive, and somewhere on that list is my desire to see what he’d think about having a quote almost certainly incorrectly attributed to him used to try to bully an old woman in Mary Worth into an assisted living facility.

Six Chix, 10/26/14

Ha ha, it’s funny because the scalpel blades are breaking off still embedded in the patient’s flesh! There’s so much blood! So much hilarious, hilarious blood!

Momma, 10/26/14

Tina had sometimes resented the fact that her rift with her mother-in-law meant that she and Thomas didn’t get invited to many family gatherings with his brother and sister. But then, she reflected, if she had been at the house that day, she would’ve been mauled to death by the cold, thirsty bear-dog-things, just like the rest of Thomas’s family.

I mean, he’s not asking about whether the Son proceeds from the Holy Spirit or anything complicated like that

Beetle Bailey, 10/25/14

Not sure what denomination Chaplain Staneglass is supposed to be, but mainstream Christian theology has had a ready answer to this one since at least Aquinas and probably Augustine. The short version is that God is eternal and exists outside of time as we understand it — indeed, the linear progression of time, including the concept of cause and effect, is part of His creation, so it doesn’t really make sense to talk about Him being created by anyone or anything. You can find this logic varying degrees of satisfying based on your own personal beliefs, but the idea that a clergyman would respond to a sincere question about it with “WELP ¯\_(ツ)_/¯” makes me a little depressed about the quality of ministry available to our soldiers and/or cartoonists, and I’m an atheist.

Six Chix, 10/25/14

You can see this as a cartoon about a dad being a sullen dick about doing a joint Halloween costume with his daughter, but I prefer to interpret it as a clever little girl doing the best she can to work with the requirements of an unusual court order.