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Seriously, he could get into a bar without an ID in that outfit

Gil Thorp, 2/23/15

So this Gil Thorp storyline is focused on fake (?) Adderall dealing now, but I still pine for a simpler time, when it mostly about Max Bacon™ colluding with Marty Moon to improve his #brand. It’s nice to see Marty is up for promoting Max via dumb bacon-themed catchphrases; once the Adderall scandal comes out, Marty will presumably face as many consequences for hyping this artificially hyped-up teen as the national sports press did for fawning over the steroid-driven Major League Baseball home run races of the late ’90s and early ’00s, which is to say none.

Beetle Bailey, 2/23/15

Look, everyone who whines that Beetle Bailey is outdated and out-of-touch: here it is featuring a new, hip, up-to-the-moment thing! I’m talking about erotic nose fondling, of course, which is an innovative new sex act being performed in Brooklyn’s hippest neighborhoods right now. Everyone will be doing it in a year or so. Selfie sticks are soooo last month.

Hi and Lois, 2/23/15

Ha ha, it’s funny because Lois can’t feel joy anymore! Hi and Lois undermines its ostensible nature as a family-friendly strip by letting its readers in on a dirty little secret about families: families are terrible.

Mary Worth, 2/23/15

Ooh, so what is Amy’s big news that merits an ?-worthy invasion of Hanna’s personal space? She didn’t get married too, that’s too obvious. I’m guessing that she’s going to tell her mother that little Gordon doesn’t need to be babysat anymore, becuase she’s started dressing him like a tiny adult! Nothing says “I’m a big boy who can take of myself!” like electric blue sansabelt slacks and a matching jacket over a golf shirt.

“I have literal slaves who do a lot of the hard work! I’m a monster!”

Momma, 2/22/15

“He doesn’t know the half of it! Why, the Battles of Lexington and Concord were fought by Massachusetts militiamen before I was appointed commander of the Continental Army; the Battle of Saratoga was fought by my subordinates while I was nowhere nearby; and the Treaty of Paris was negotiated by others who I had no authority over, since at that time I was only a military commander, not the chief executive! I don’t deserve to have these pennants hanging up in my office! They just make me feel like a big man! I’m a fraud!”

B.C., 2/22/15

Man, wasn’t it great when Americans were united by utter terror of nuclear annihilation? There definitely weren’t any divisions here at home at all during that period! Thanks for reminding us of this gentler era, Caveman Poet!

Mark Trail, 2/22/15

Despite what this feature might’ve implied last week, you’re probably not being stalked by a terrifying grizzly bear right now. You are surrounded by insects in all directions, though! Horrible, horrible insects. Just look at them! They’re awful monsters.

Panel from Rex Morgan, M.D., 2/22/15

Hey, remember a couple weeks ago when it looked like there might be some kind of conflict in this storyline? Haha, well, never mind all that!

Are those pluggers … flappers? Are they bombed on bootleg hooch right now

Pluggers, 2/21/15

Pluggers remember the days before certain semantic shifts, when several common words conveyed a different set of meanings to most listeners than they convey today! They also remember when at least the outward performance of heterosexuality was mandatory, and thus largely unquestioned. Admittedly, it was easier to avoid such questions back when a hot date consisted of playing a ukelele and sitting two feet apart.

Hi and Lois, 2/21/15

Hi and Lois’s weariness with the entertainment-industrial complex aside, “the Hammies” is a good name for an awards show, but it should be a show where they give awards to actual ham. Like, juiciest ham, best Easter ham, ham of the year, what have you. I would very much watch that awards show.

Apartment 3-G, 2/21/15

“Why does this keep happening? Why do I keep half-recognizing people? It’s like I live in a terrifying nightmarescape where everyone looks more or less the same in general but the actual details of each individual’s face shift and ooze from moment to moment!”