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The Phantom, 2/20/26

Many years ago, the Jungle Patrol was all-male, until early 2008 when it got gender-integrated by a plucky lady cop/waitress duo. How’s that working out? Well, this young female officer is busy kicking a would-be warlord in the face, so that’s good, and the Patrol’s Unknown Commander is just kind of sitting there watching with a little smile on his face, which is a little unsettling. Is this sexual, for him? Is it even possible to understand what “sexual” means for a guy who’s the product of a 22-generation eugenic breeding program and who lives in Africa and wears a skintight spandex suit constantly?

Luann, 2/20/26

Speaking of sexual bits that newspaper comics have been doing since George W. Bush was president, Luann is doing a tale of ribaldry about Tiffany and Ox (he’s a new-ish character and his thing is he’s a gentle giant, don’t worry about it) washing Ox’s rescue puppy and getting deliciously wet in the process and I can’t believe I just typed that, gross. Anyway, I’m mostly posting this because I think the panel where Ox is sticking the hair dryer up his shirt is pretty funny. It’s just a weird angle! He’s warming his belly button specifically! Is this sexual, for him? Is it even possible to understand what “sexual” means for a guy who is a character in Luann, a realm beyond the sexuality event horizon where horniness is distorted by extreme levels of gravity into formations that scientists can’t even begin to describe?

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Gil Thorp, 2/19/26

Oh, it turns out that Keri Thorp was one of the kids who vandalized Goshen and now they’re in jail and Gil is pissed … at the cops, who used to have a strict “no arresting teens for a little tit-for-tat spray-painting” rule, or maybe just a little “no arresting Thorps for any reason” rule, but now Coach Gerads (first name: “Mitchell,” I think this is a new addition to the lore) is insisting that the local PD “enforce the law” or whatever. Next thing you know they’ll make their deputies wear actual uniforms rather than kicky star-festooned shirts, no matter how mildly injured their legs are!

Mary Worth, 2/19/26

You’re excited that, after literal years of “pets are good” storylines in Mary Worth, Mary herself is finally going to get a pet for real this time. I’m retreating to my mind palace to imagine the moment when Dr. Jeff’s son Drew came back from the golf course with his buddy and his buddy’s cat. “Oh no!” thinks Jeff. “How can I be polite to my son’s friend but still maintain my comfort in my own home?” But then he finds out the cat is a hypoallergenic Balinese, and he realizes he’s not having any kind of allergic reaction to it, and a smile crosses his face. We are not the same.

Hi and Lois, 2/19/26

There is a sexist double standard for women in public life — politics, corporate leadership, what have you — where if they’re too nice they’re a wimp who doesn’t belong in power and if they’re not nice enough they’re a ballbuster. The shorthand for this is “likeability,” and it’s a genuinely fraught issue that puts ambitious women in a spot where they just can’t win. Dot actually is unlikeable, though, as I think this strip pretty conclusively demonstrates.

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Mark Trail, 2/18/26

Mark has been invited to Las Vegas to compete in the Woodsman Olympics, a Trailiverse competition that somehow has avoided a nuclear lawsuit from the actual Olympics, and Rusty is up to his old foolish antics, sneaking into forbidden areas of his hotel’s garden. And you’re probably wondering, how much trouble could he possibly get up to, since he’s still on hotel grounds? Well, you never know, maybe the hotel uses a secluded wooded area on its property as an exclusive gaming zone for high rollers and Rusty is going to end up in the entourage of one of the Emir of Dubai’s less reputable nephews. Or maybe they just let the tigers from the main stage show roam around out there and he’s going to get mauled.

Judge Parker, 2/18/25

Oh, man, do you want to know how brutal and hardcore the ice prison where Randy is being held captive is? Well, his captors have gotten wind of his plots to escape, so he’s been forced to go to this nice, warm office and listen to the warden give a pissy lecture about how you’re not actually allowed to escape from this prison. He also isn’t handcuffed or anything and there don’t appear to be any guards present. So it’s not particularly brutal, is what I’m saying.

Mary Worth, 2/18/25

“Yeah, how would that work? I guess I’d have to spend less time over there, ha ha! I mean … oh no.”