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Dick Tracy, 7/13/25

It seems that the Dick Tracy time travel plot is now over … and the Dick Tracy ray gun plot has begun! This is one Dick should have a better handle on, right? Because it’s a ray gun, but it’s still a gun, which is the sort of thing Dick likes. Anyway, I’m not entirely sure what the “This ain’t the county morgue” line is supposed to mean. Maybe in the wake of the corpsenapping incident earlier this year “county morgue” has become Neo-Chicago municipal employee slang for any facility that’s easy to break into by night.

Beetle Bailey, 7/13/25

Ha ha, we’re all familiar with the Beetle Bailey running gag that we never see Beetle’s eyes. But what do you suppose they look like under there? Well, it’s now strip canon that they’re an eldritch horror beyond imagination, a window into demonic madness. Sarge was either struck dead on the spot or will be gibbering and unresponsive in an insane asylum for the rest of his life.

Hi and Lois, 7/13/25

You know I like to make jokes about how the Flagstons are depressed, but that’s mostly about the parents. The twins are way too young to be this anhedonic and it’s bumming me out!

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Gil Thorp, 7/12/25

Hey, remember when Keri was in horse therapy, for their eating disorder? Well, big news: they took their horse therapist Britney to prom! Is that … ethical? Like, I’m pretty sure you shouldn’t take your therapist to your prom, but is horse therapy really therapy, like in a professional ethics sense? I guess maybe it is, since Britney was accurately able to diagnose Keri as “sad,” even with no horse present. In the end, maybe this is the real reason why you shouldn’t take your therapist to prom: you will end up having to talk about, like, feelings and stuff, right there in your dad’s minivan, when you should be figuring out how to surreptitiously cop a feel.

Archie, 7/12/25

Ha ha, laugh it up if you will, Archie and Betty, but you have probably gotten Jughead into quite a bit of professional trouble, as all the dogs he’s being paid to care for have escaped, possibly running into traffic! Though I guess Jughead should have anticipated this possibility and not have allowed the dogs to gather at the unlocked front door. Frankly, given how crazed this pack seems, they may have devoured him hours ago.

Mary Worth, 7/12/25

Mary looks positively deranged with excitement in this second panel, proving that for her, there’s no more powerful drug than an opportunity to tell her boyfriend that they won’t be spending any time together for a while.

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Your comments were all very funny this week, obviously, but only one comment can be the week’s top comment, and here it is:

“My little friend is not so little anymore, Toby! In fact, she’s quite large! Enormous, in fact! Nine foot six and getting taller by the day! It’s actually quite alarming! We’re getting into I’m a Virgo territory here! Did you watch that miniseries, by the way? It was on Amazon Prime a couple of years ago! Jharrel Jerome is a treasure! Some great performances by Elijah Wood and Walton Goggins as well, which reminds me that I need to start my Justified rewatch. Oh, Margo Martindale is another treasure, especially as a voice in BoJack Horseman. Anyway, Olive is a giant, is the point I’m trying to make.” –els

The runners up are greater in number but still a small sample of the funny. Still, I think they’re pretty good:

“Are the pickleball gear and Leroy’s madras shirt the only items they couldn’t sell, or the only items they’re selling? Either way, it has to be a pretty good yard sale if you’re attracting aging hipsters to your suburban … patio? Driveway? Paved-over lawn? I dunno … this place is weird, man.” –BigTed

“You know what? good on Dagwood for sticking with pickleball even after he found out it was just a name.” –Banana Sam

“Apartment managing has similar ethics to Vikings, in which the greatest honor is to die in battle with weapons in hand, rather than old age. In the case of apartment managers, that usually means with tools in your hand fixing plumbing or some malfunctioning HVAC system. Marvin’s grandparents, stripped of all dignity by their economic losses, have bought in fully to the ethics, if only because being able to shame the old manager gives them a feeling of no longer being on the bottom.” –Philip

“Putting periods in ‘OK’ looks weird, so I’m not surprised that’s how Alice does it.” –nescio

“Bernice is depicted as organized and responsible, especially in comparison to Luann. Today’s strip reveals that this is because Bernice is so utterly boring that her chores are the highlight of her day.” –TheDiva

“The gag would obviously work a whole lot better if Henry was looking for a tennis partner and not a golf partner. But, suburban dads in comic strips must play golf. The sacred trope must be maintained even at the expense of the joke.” –Astroboy

“I’m picturing Evy and Ed’s view of Mary’s face, up-nostril shot and all, and it’s not pretty.” –Weaselboy

“Mary begins to pack for her trip to New York. ‘Hmmm. I’ll wear what I have on now for the plane ride. However, it might get chilly in the city, even though it’s July,’ she muses, adding a purple cowl-neck long-sleeve top to her empty suitcase. ‘That should do it!’” –Charterstoned

“And, in lighter news, the comic strip Crankshaft has ceased publication after being sued into a smoking crater by Warner Bros. Discovery Inc.” –Dmsilev

“I like how these two are talking right into their coffees, as a way of being covert, I guess? You think they’re blowing bubbles? I hope so.” –pugfuggly

“One must imagine Leroy Lockhorn … happy? I don’t know if I can do it.” –matt w

“The Lockhorns usually has a pretty minimalist approach to backgrounds, so when they suddenly decide we need to see every detail of their backyard electric switch box situation, you’d better believe I take notice.” –Schroduck

“‘A couple of the cashiers are kind of cute!’ [They share a hearty chuckle.] ‘Anyway, thoughts about how to escape this quicksand patch?’” –Voshkod

“Generative AI will not destroy all artistic jobs. For example, humans will still get to draw Max, mainly because the AI could not be bothered to.” –Ettorre

“I think you mean ‘HOW TO VIOLATE COPYRIGHT Max Mouse,’ Bob. I’m surprised the syndicate keeps letting you get away with this. If the kids want a picture of Max to stick on their fridge, they can ask their grandparents what a newspaper is.” –Tabby Lavalamp

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