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Mary Worth, 7/27/26

Did you, Wilbur? Did you change? Did you change, Wilbur? Is that what you think? That you changed your behavior and general vibe, somehow? Is that your perception of the situation? That you changed? Interesting. Interesting!

Hello, faithful readers! I am back from my vacation, grateful as ever for Uncle Lumpy for filling in for me and grateful as ever to you for your very kind contributions to the Summer Fundraiser! You’ll all be getting your individualized thank yous soon enough, but first: today’s comics, full as usual with violence and mayhem!

Hagar the Horrible, 7/27/26

I honestly first read this as “their mood stabilizer” and assumed that the joke was that Hagar’s men, bored and antsy after who knows how long at sea, had turned on one another. But no, the joke is that Hagar is filled with deeper violent impulses than any of us imagined, impulses that cannot be controlled even with the best of 10th century pharmaceutical science, and has beaten his men bloody in a terrifying episode that it seems he’s completely forgotten about mere moments later. Quick, Lucky Eddie! Strike now, while he’s calm, and either rescue your fellow crewmen or earn your place in Valhalla!

Pluggers, 7/27/26

When it comes to rain, a plugger knows it’s either too much, which provides a perfect cover for strangling a frog, or not enough, which increases the risk that someone will see you strangling the frog and you’ll get in trouble for it. That’s why pluggers are so effective at frog murder: they time it just right.

Herb and Jamaal, 7/27/26

Wow, that’s really profound, when you think about it that way! So I guess what you’re saying is that just owning things is enough, and I don’t have to ever clean them? Uh, for my family, this helps my family.

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Turtle Carl is traveling. Slowly.

Family Circus, 7/26/26

The Biliad

Draw him, O Jeffy, and show us his exploits—first-born of the Keane clan,
Follow the long dashed line from his birth to his triumphs in Scottsdale.
Sing of the talented Billy Age Seven as substitute artist;
Tell of his prowess at baseball and schoolwork and elegant wordplay;
Speak of the pride with which Thel and his father must always esteem him!

What’s that you say, he’s a smug little jerk who oppresses his siblings,
Blaming his failures and sins on Not Me to avoid retribution,
Dumb as a rock and possessed of no gifts but a venomous mean streak?
Why then do you, O Jeff, spend your days documenting this jackass?
What is your own great sin that the gods have assigned you such torment?

“Listen, O Muse, it appears your assessment is missing some context!
“There was no choice in this job that I started in twenty-eleven.
“The circle, the kids, and the jokes were a fifty-year legacy burden:
“My readers would rise up in arms if I altered the tiniest detail!
“And Billy’s the price that I pay to maintain a respectable income.”

Mark Trail, 7/26/26

Species like cockroaches and sharks, well-adapted to stable ecological niches, often show decreased rates of biological diversification. Yet species like songbirds and tropical fish, equally well-protected from harsh selection pressures, differentiate lavishly in secondary sexual characteristics like song and coloration.

Mark Trail has survived 80 years in the brutal environment of the newspaper comics page: is he a shark or a songbird? On the one hand, he dominates the “outdoor adventure comic” niche with unassailable Nature Facts and Fists of Justice at the ready. On the other, he’s kinda cute. We should get Cherry to weigh in on this.

Thanks for a fun week and all the generous contributions to keep this fine blog strong and independent. Josh will be back tomorrow morning, rested and ready to deliver the Internet’s finest newspaper comics mockery!

—Uncle Lumpy

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So ends the 2026 Comics Curmudgeon Summer Fundraiser. You guys are the best; thank you!

9 Chickweed Lane, 7/25/26

Say, did you know that people have sex? 9 Chickweed Lane does, and wants to show us as much of it as possible! It started in 2008, when Edda and Amos abandoned their adolescence and virginity on the lid of a Böesendorfer Concert Grand in Brussels. With the “will they or won’t they” tension broken, the strip sustained interest by introducing stand-ins Xiulan and Hugh Godalming, Fernanda Jons and Seth Appleby, Fleurrie and Sven Spocket, Diane and Francis Durly, Nan-Lin and Arthur Peel, and others, all with the same story: Will they or won’t they? Oh yes they will, and often!

Soon, horny couples crowded the strip and their stories grew monotonous. To escape that trap, the strip rushed Edda’s twins Polly and Lolly through adolescence into adulthood and marriage, and loosened up the timeline. Now lucky readers can look back at Edda’s and Amos’s awkward teen courtship while enjoying the sexual antics of three generations: grownup Amos and Edda and all the others in the present, daughters Polly and Lolly and their husbands in the future, and Edda’s stepdad Elliott’s lusty courtship of Juliette in recaps of the past.

Nice save, but not a long-term solution. After all, assuming monogamy, the maximum rate of couplings is (P/2)*f, where P is the number of people and f is frequency. I fear Team Chickweed may have its eye on combinatorics: C(P,2)*f, dropping the monogamy (and incest) restrictions, or even (C(P,2)+P)*f if we throw in self-pleasuring. After that, I fear for Edda’s cat.

One Big Happy, 7/25/26

Hey Joe, Pluto is the Roman god of Death and ruler of the Underworld, and you do not want to piss that guy off. And Disney’s copyright lawyers won’t go any easier on you, so tread lightly.

Lockhorns, 7/25/26

They have one, Leroy, and you’re not gonna like it.

—Uncle Lumpy