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Mary Worth, 4/15/06

“Whale”? Did Mary just sit through a grueling week-long dinner dominated by savage passive-aggressive battles over eating and weight loss and just think “whale”? OH NO SHE DIDN’T! That skinny old biddy has crossed the line: even if it was just in thought balloon form, the sarcasm quotes around “whale” make sure that we know all about her smug superiority.

I’m looking at this strip again and just noticing that Lou is continuing to attempt to force-feed his hapless wife: he’s got a death grip on the back of her neck and he looks like he’s doing the “airplane” game with that spoonful of off-white mush, much as you would with a recalcitrant infant. Even creepier to me is Kelly’s attitude, which seems to boil down to, “Ha ha, that husband of mine, he’s an angry control freak who refuses to allow me to have any will of my own! Whaddya gonna do?”

B.C., 4/15-16/06

God and Mammon met head-on as B.C.’s Easter weekend took a Holy Saturday break for some good-old fashioned tax humor. I’ll ignore the joke of Saturday’s strip to point out that the keen-sighted blonde caveman dude in panel one (Peter? Thor? Does anyone actually know or care?) is suddenly transmorgified in panel two into dark-haired, glasses-wearing Clumsy, who is one of the easiest characters in the strip to recognize. I’m sure there’s a totally legitimate reason behind the miraculous transformation and I encourage you to post your ideas about it in the comments.

Easter Sunday we get the real goods, though. I think I caused some confusion Friday when I praised Johnny Hart for not hating on Darwin or the Jews; I meant that he didn’t do so in that particular comic strip, not that he never did. However, since I spent the weekend chowing down on a lot of unrisen matzo bread, I have to admit that I found the opening two-panel joke a bit unsettling.

The rest of the strip makes use of a technique found in some New Testaments, in which everything that’s a direct quote from Jesus is printed in red. This is, I suppose, intended to help us figure out when we have switched between the two speakers in this dialogue, though I’m intrigued that a convention used to highlight what most Christians believe to be the literal word of God is here used in a second-rate Dr. Seuss pastiche in the Sunday comics. When I showed this to Mrs. C., she asked, “Is this supposed to be funny?” I answered with a venerable Simpsons line: it’s not ha-ha funny.

Apartment 3-G, 4/16/06

On a happier note, Apartment 3-G continues to tease us with he prospect of a Tommie-centered storyline. Either wacky adventures await her (and us) as she journeys into Lucy and Ted’s den of boring lovesickness, or it’s just a device to write her out of the strip for the next few months while Margo and Lu Ann do more interesting things. As much as I want to see our favorite redhead in the spotlight, I hate to see the Margo not get her due: I love the first panel in bottom row, where she’s air-quoting so vigorously that she looks like she’s about the sprain something. The use of quotes in the word balloon to match her little bunny-ear finger gesture really drives the point home. Much as I love Margo, though, I am of course one half of a perfect couple, so I’m going to choose to take offense to her decree in the final panel.

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B.C., 4/14/06

I’m not a Christian, but I have no objections whatsoever to Johnny Hart doing Jesus-themed cartoons, really. Especially this weekend. Hart loves Jesus, this weekend is the holiest in the Christian calendar, so: knock yourself out. Bonus points for not hating on Darwin or the Jews.

What I object to is Johnny Hart doing Jesus-themed cartoons that make absolutely no sense. Is “stood on the truth” an idiomatic expression that anyone has used, at any time, ever, such that it would justify the word “truth” being carved, in faux Roman capitals, on an ant-sized podium in the middle of bleak ancient/post-apocolyptic hellscape, in order to set up this joke (and I’m using the term “joke” loosely)? In case you had trouble following that sentence, I’ll supply the answer to the question, which is: No.

(Also, the word “truth” doesn’t occur in John 1:14, in case you’re wondering.)

(UPDATE: Er, so it’s been pointed out to me that “truth” is in fact the last word in John 1:14. Apparently I looked up that verse, scanned it, didn’t see the word “truth”, and never got to the end. I’m as bad as Jeffy Keane (see below)!)

But hey, at least he managed to keep his eye on divine, soul-saving ball for the whole strip:

Family Circus, 4/14/06

It looks like this one started out as being Jesus-themed (“Mary”, “lamb” — lamb of God!) but then fell prey to the irresistible pull of an adorable malapropism. I’m pretty sure that people would read the Bible more often if it featured less smiting and thundering against hypocrites and more little kids mispronouncing words in hilarious ways.

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Hagar the Horrible, 4/13/06

Ah, it’s tax season, so what better opportunity for Hagar the Horrible to deploy an incomprehensible gag about tax collectors! Note that in panel one Hagar is blase about this radical change in tax policy, while Helga looks shocked and appalled that the royal government has decided to abandon a progressive income tax. Presumably the change was pushed through by fat-cat campaign contributors whose portfolios were heavy on capital gains-producing investments and low on foliage.

Anyway, the joke, such as it is, revolves around the sheer number of leaves on the The Horribles’ trees, and the sky-high tax bills that will no doubt result. This strikes me as the sort of thing that the artist thought was a great idea until he suddenly found himself in the position of having to draw all the damn leaves. So, he loses points on foresight, but kudos to him for following through to the bitter, hand-cramping end anyway.

Apartment 3-G, 4/13/06

How little respect does Apartment 3-G get from my hometown paper, the Baltimore Sun? Well, first they tried to cancel it, though obviously the outcry was too great for them to get away with that. Now I find out that the writing duties for the strip changed some time ago (Lisa Trusiani’s out, Margaret Shulock’s in) and the Sun has yet to change the byline in the paper. For shame! I had to find out by seeing that the Apartment 3-G article on Wikipedia was updated, which fact of course entails the disturbing corollary that there are people out there who care even more about this strip than I do and update its Wikipedia article when its authors change. I’m not sure, but I’m guessing that the author changeover happened right around here, when there was this weird abrupt wrapping up and yet the next storyline ended up continuing the previous one instead of just imposing the usual mind-wipe on all its characters.

Anyway, this has been a long-winded way of saying that if we can count on the new author to keep on creating bizarre and simultaneously sexy and slightly unnerving scenarios like “Let’s admire Tommie in Nina’s bridal veil and a polo shirt under an sweater,” then I for one welcome her with open arms.

(Oh, and confidential to King Features: It’s fine that you didn’t bother to contact me this time, but when Margaret gets tired of this gig in two or three years, I am totally available. Just FYI.)

Mary Worth, 4/13/06

Lou’s thought balloon is no “My very own meth lab,” and in fact I have no idea what it’s supposed to mean, but sure sounds sinister, doesn’t it? It should rightly be followed by maniacal laughter.

Lou: Yes, you’re right, hon! We do share everything!

Lou thought balloon: [And we always will.]

Lou: Heh he. Moo ha ha. MOOHOHOHO HA HA! HA HA! MOO HA HA!!!!

Kelly thought balloon: [God damn, that freak likes pie a little too much.]