Post Content

Spider-Man, 6/7/09

My only experience with beloved Marvel Comics character/franchise/cash cow/fetish object Wolverine comes from watching the first two X-Men movies, so I’m very much looking forward to getting lots of huffy blowback for making fun of what I don’t understand as the beclawèd one slums his way through the Spider-Man newspaper strip. My first big laugh came with Spidey’s thought ballooning, in which he wonders why Wolverine hasn’t stayed in the limitless wide-open spaces of Westchester County (population: 923,459; population density, 1,847 people per square mile). “Wolverine doesn’t think the cultural attractions, amazing nightlife, and youthful energy of New York make up for the high rents, crowding, and dicey public schools! He prefers ample parking, neatly trimmed lawns, and chain restaurants to public transit, high rises, and hole-in-the-wall ethnic joints — just like a real wolverine!”

Of course, as Mark Trail has taught us, real Wolverines do need to come into human settlements to steal weapons, which may offer a clue to Wolverine’s intentions in Manhattan.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 6/7/09

Poor Uriah looks more panicked to be seized bodily than one would expect if the upshot will just be a little impromptu umpiring. I thus assume that the dialogue has been bowdlerized by the syndicate editors in the final panel, with “Shanghai ya into bein’ thar ump” replacing “slice ya up as an off’ring to thar pagan god” and “Play ball!!” replacing “Soon our holy altar will steam with sacrificial blood!!”

Crock, 6/7/09

It should come as little surprise that characters in the poorly drawn hell-world of Crock would choose the easy way out: suicide.

Post Content

Gil Thorp, 6/6/09

It’s nice to see, with all the YouTubes and the Facebooks and the cardboard bikinis and the hey hey that the kids today will throw at an old stick-in-the-mud like Gil, he still knows how best to keep them in line: with good, old-fashioned physical abuse. Those who won’t die of heat stroke will surely grow to respect their tormentor, if by “respect” we mean “fear and loathe!” But, as Machiavelli once said, it’s better to be feared than loved, and they’ll sure love to fear Coach Thorp, as he and Kaz sit smugly by and enjoy their “lemonade” (is that a thermos or a fire extinguisher?).

Beetle Bailey, 6/6/09

Ha ha, it’s funny because Sarge spent a week walking around with rotting vegetables pressed up against the sweaty flesh of his midriff! And by “funny” I mean “a cry for help on the part of everyone involved in the publication of this comic.”

Post Content

Herb and Jamaal and Crankshaft, 6/5/09

I admit to regularly being irritated at or contemptuous towards Herb and Jamaal, but until today I don’t think I’ve ever been just outright puzzled. The stumbling point to me is that the strip appears to actually have two jokes in it — and this is not a feature that can spare the punchlines, if you get my drift. The first bit of ostensibly humorous material is that our Heart and Soul patron needs a “drink,” and so he orders … root beer, haw haw, it’s because, I don’t know, it’s unexpected? He’s young and/or a teetotaler? Anyway, once that bombshell’s been delivered, we still have two panels left to go, so we’ll wrap up with a “two heads are better than one” joke, which must only be conveyed via thought balloon, because it would be unrealistic for such a mind-blowingly hilarious bit to be actually spoken aloud. (Ordering a beverage with lots of foam on top is, of course, totally realistic.) All I can figure is that the root beer was originally supposed to be actual beer, but the fuddy-duddies at the syndicate balked at the notion of an adult attempting to relieve stress by consuming a wholly legal mild intoxicant. Won’t somebody think of the children?

Crankshaft, meanwhile, delivers the old lady laughs, as Grandma Rose attempts to use another wholly legal mild intoxicant to while away the time until the blessed release of death (and perhaps even speed up the process). Everyone else in the cast will love this, because it allows them to express judgmental horror, which is pretty much their entire reason for existence. I look forward to coming months when, already bored with smoking, Rose makes Ed drive her downtown to score some smack.

Marvin, 6/5/09

Let me tell you something: if this becomes some sort of Belly Laffs– or CrySpace-style multi-day epic, there will be consequences. At least we’ll be able to look forward to whatever cutesy name they come up with for it. My suggestion: “Poopin’ in a bowl!”