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Judge Parker, 8/30/17

Oh, hey, Judge Parker, what’s been going on with you? Well it turns out April stopped by to leave an explanatory video where she explained that a group of her fellow CIA agents tricked her into unwittingly becoming a rogue agent, so now she’s on the run from everybody, but meanwhile she spirited her daughter away to her sketchy-ass and now mysteriously ruddy dad, who’s now had quite enough of the grandchild-raising and is dumping the kid on Judge Parker Emeritus, who has to raise her in Secret. The real weak link in that plan is Trophy Wife Number [DATA CURRENTLY UNAVAILABLE] Katherine Parker, who is notoriously stepgrandchild hungry and who may be physically unable to stop herself from sharing photos on social media, thus getting April, Randy, and everyone else blessedly killed.

Mary Worth, 8/30/17

So I guess Mary Worth is committed to going the “he’s a genuinely nice person who only propositioned Dawn the one time and truly cares about her well-being” route with Jared, even as they layer on the “oh also he’s a loser nerd” signifiers. It’s nice to see a loving cat dad portrayed in a positive manner in mass media, of course, and I’m glad the ubiquitous Food Shapes In Varying Earth Tones meals so popular in Santa Royale are available in microwaveable dinners for one. But, I gotta say: that window display? With some of the most mainstream Star Wars characters on offer? A real fan would have a Bib Fortuna, Jek Porkins, and R5D4 up there. This guy smells like a fake geek boy to me.

Six Chix, 8/30/17

Nice try, doc, but the radiant light suffusing heaven is emitted from an omnibenevolent deity and can’t possibly include damaging ultraviolet radiation. You know what can burn human flesh, though? Hellfire. Your husband went to hell, lady.

Marvin, 8/30/17

In today’s Marvin, we learn that the title character’s sandbox is so thoroughly soaked with piss that it can support semi-aquatic fauna!